tsuki

This is going to be difficult but I want to be as open and transparent as possible. There's been a fellow self-actualizer on this forum that I've been skyping with that I want to remain anonymous. We've been meeting for a few weeks now and discussing our progress and supporting each other. I have a dream of being a part of a tribe. This is a bunch of people, friends, that know what's going on in other's lives and support each other in times of hardship and well-being. This person seemed like the right one, albeit young, very open-minded and willing to explore in this direction. I did my best to be clear about this dream and presented it to him as truthfully as I could. After a few meetings, a meeting in person came up and we decided to trip together. I had to back off from this arrangement because I learned that LSD interacts with autoimmune disorders, one of which I have. My wife knew all of this beforehand and was ok with it. When we picked him up, the atmosphere was a bit tense but I shrugged it off as a general uneasiness when meeting new people. It's a different town after all, and he never spoke with my wife before so it did not surprise me at all. What did surprise me a little bit is the amount of smiles we exchanged and the moment all three of us sat in our dining room to talk. Heavy silence dropped and to diffuse it I jokingly said that we're meditating. After some talking, we exchanged a few looks that I did not understand. Long looks into the eyes, that threw me off. Normally over skype, we would talk freely, but now maintaining eye contact was difficult. I thought that he was trying to dominate me and kept looking back, to which my wife said that we look like wanted to have sex. Still clueless, I shrugged it off, but what finally caught my attention was his nonchalant reply: "maybe?". He had a mannerism of becoming interested in facets of himself spontaneously, but I saw through this smoke screen and realized (emotionally at first) that I fucked up. We started talking about his experiences, getting to know him. I closed down and observed my emotions trying to tell me what's going on. My wife started to ask about his experience with girls, to which I asked him whether he inquired into his sexual orientation. From the start, it was obvious to us that he's fragmented, having his intellect disconnected from his feelings and we (my wife and I) explored the extent of it. His upbringing and culture has created a massive shadow out of his homosexuality. He would visibly flip-flop between being an open-minded, curious young man, and practically a demon shooting chuffs of sexual energy at me with his eyes. At some point, he became interested in the flowers I bought to my wife few days before and became disappointed with the fact that they seemed fake (they were real flowers). Later that evening when I got up to sit next to my wife, the glass vase with flowers shattered. It was my wife's favorite vase. He was sitting in the opposite side of the room and launched up, with remorse, looking for a mop to clean this mess, as if he did it. Flip-flops, flip-flops, mind-heart. We had a lot of moments where we were able to guide him to name the emotions that he was experiencing and he was able to recognize the attraction that he felt. I think that he understands now that he is homosexual and how it connects with various problems that he's having. I explained to him why he has to go back home and that he should look for a person that can reciprocate his feelings. If you are reading this, please do not contact me and remain anonymous. You probably have psychic powers and a massive shadow. Lay psychedelics off and start psychotherapy ASAP. Having said all of that, I'm also at fault. I was completely clueless. I am bisexual and my homosexual part is very difficult for me and for my wife. I repress that part of me and now I know how it manifests itself. When I'm meeting someone that I want to get close to, I unconsciously flirt. I use my sexual energy to attract them. Having seen what sexual energy is, what invitation for attraction looks like, I know that there are a few people in my life that I flirt with. I've seen these looks before. I have also learned how to project sexual energy consciously, with my eyes. It all became clear to me when I invited and embraced my homosexual part. I will never let go of it, ever again. I will have to talk to one of the people I flirt with and present this story to her. I will probably lose a person that I hope to be a genuine friend, but it cannot be any other way. I need to be clear in my intent, not giving off two different messages to people that I want to befriend. I also have to be more in touch with my homosexuality. This is a very important part of me that is intimately connected with my sexuality. My wife gets jealous of my new friends when I flirt behind my back. It hurts the relationships that I want to establish. I don't know how many times I've heard that I'm not flirting with my wife from her. This will change as soon as she gets better. This is all very difficult for my wife. We talked about my bisexuality before and she does not want to see my homosexual side. She is still to connect with her Animus and take conscious ownership of the little girl that is inside of her. This new facet of me broke her world apart and she shut down. She does not feel safe to talk to anybody right now and feels very alone and threatened. I'm going through a rollercoaster of emotions right now. From being happy for finding a lost part of myself, through being excited about learning how to project sexual energy, being hopeful about new prospects of our relationship, all the way down to sadness about hurting her and fearing that she will hurt herself. I already booked a couples therapy session this week.

I had a rough week and even more difficult weekend so I don't want to sound nitpicky but this whole notion of talent does not sound right to me. No donkey, or human for that matter, is ever going to be enlightened. It is God who wakes up from the donkey to itself. I don't know why donkeys don't meditate in caves and why we do, but each and every single one of us has a path to follow that is a unique expression of God. Some paths lead through donkeys and some lead through realization. Comparing yourselves to others is only helpful if you want to see how diverse the world is. You will never be a Ralston and taking any path as normative with respect to enlightenment is a distraction. Psychedelics may be a part of your path that lead you to realizing your godhood, but they don't produce it. Same as meditation. Techniques will never do it because they are merely a ladder or a scaffolding at best. The possibility to become conscious of any facet of truth, with enlightenment as a center of that, is prior to any invention. That is because you are the Absolute Truth that has forgotten itself.

According to Ralston, talent can be created.

I just loooove to watch people shamelessly spout ignorance as highest wisdom.

I was kinda hoping that you started to throw people at rocks.

I'm such a fanboy.

I was under the impression that Ralston was saying that he appreciates the use of psychedelics for the purpose of opening the mind. Radical open mindedness is one of the basics of his teaching. When he was talking that "it's not about the drugs", he was referring to Castenada's realization and the difference between his books. You guys are so touchy on the subject.

Hey, I recently started to notice the sensations that I experience in my feet and calves. They were there for a very long time but I used to shrug them off as having my shoes tied too tight, etc. I was experiencing them probably for a few years now but now that my nervous system is more calm, I can focus on them better. In my feet I sense something between tingling, pinching, or stinging depending on the intensity of the sensation. The area covers the skin that is in contact with the ground. Changing the way in which I contact the ground alleviates these sensations for a while, but they eventually come back to their previous intensity. I was not able to correlate them with stress or other external, emotional, factors so I'm thinking that they are physical. When it comes to my calves, they tend to tense up and I have to massage them until they relax. I'm thinking that maybe I'm tensing them up in response to tingling in my feet? So far I've tried exercise (running), but the habit was disrupted by my recent covid infection and I was not paying attention to its effect on these sensations before. I felt much better overall back then. I tend to spend a lot of time sitting (I'm a programmer), so it may be spine-related. I also experience some upper-back pain because of the tension in my shoulders. I'm meeting a physiotherapist for that though. Other medical conditions that may be of relevance is that I was diagnosed with juvenile idiopathic arthritis, but I was not prescribed any medication for it and I'm not addressing it in any way as an adult. I'm not necessarily looking for a diagnosis, but rather fishing for ideas on how to approach this from different angles.

This also seems to fit my other symptoms that I did not mention, which are cold hands and feet. I will observe how I feel after experiencing cold for extended periods of time, but I remember that I felt awful at my previous work where temperature was low. I also remember that after taking LSD I'm experiencing huge temperature sways from my baseline down to being very cold where my body hurts.

Ravenclaw, obviously.

This actually makes sense. My last trip was so painful that I almost went crazy and the pain started in my feet. LSD is off. I will research its interactions with autoimmune diseases further.

This is interesting. My father was diagnosed with Sjogren syndrome and his daughter from previous marriage was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis so it indeed does seem like autoimmune. I can't believe I ignored this.

@Michael569 I'm not aware of any sugar-related problems in my family. I will get my bloodwork done ASAP and post back results. Do you know whether tripping on LSD can impact these tests? I have a trip scheduled for this Saturday and I can call it off. This is interesting. The back pain roughly corresponds with fibromyalgia pain points, especially the neck and around the scapula. I will try to get it diagnosed soon. Thank you for the suggestion.

I'm having a huge breakthrough right now. I have a lot of issues with a coworker of mine. He is older than me, but less skilled in programming. He does not understand modern principles of programming and does not understand software architecture very well. He also uses outdated technology, mostly on written by himself and openly refuses to learn. He is employed here because he has specialized knowledge that is difficult to come by and knows how to play politics. Basically, we're stuck in opposition to each other and settling for any solution is practically impossible. His way of pretending to discuss matters is to basically repeat over and over the same response in different ways while ignoring responses from people. Few times, after hours of discussion, he said that he never heard any counter-arguments to his ideas. His new tactic is to use de-facto standard by implementing (in code) solutions to problems that have not been specified yet. I managed to realize that he triggers me so much because I'm confusing my ideas with myself and reacting to being rejected. This triggers the traumatized three-years old within me and it keeps creating anger long past the actual confrontation. I realized that I can't be rejected by other people. Ever. The three-years old habitually stuck to seeking validation by others and did not realize that I am my own parent right now. I will protect and love you, kiddo I see you. You are important to me. I will not abandon you. I'm with you, forever. We are complete. Will you trust me?

@Preety_India The mindset can be described in few words, but it takes a lot of practice. Emotions are how the body presents its wisdom to you. All emotions are necessary. You can feel any emotion. You can understand their origin. You can express any emotion in any situation. How you respond to your emotions is up to you. What people feel about you is how their bodies understand your presence. You cannot control other people's emotions or their reactions.

@Psychonaut ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

@AlwaysJoggin Saying no to unsolicited sex with a woman you don't like does not make you any less of a man. On the contrary. If I were you, I would investigate why you dislike this girl and why do you smoke so much weed that you have erectile issues.

@Preety_India You are very welcome.

This is how early childhood trauma may express itself in sexuality. When you peel the persona off and are very vulnerable, such behaviors may surface which can be confusing. I am glad that you are aware that this pattern is unhelpful and draw a line between it an healthy sexuality. It may have come about because one of your parents did not respect your boundaries as a child or infant and you had to misconstrue the definition of love so that it incorporates such behavior. Depending on how early this happened, it may be intellectual, or not. An infant does not think in words, it starts off by learning how to create emotions and they express various things, including attraction and love. When this pattern has manifested for a long time, the intellect may work in reverse, to justify the emotional need for such treatment by a sexual partner. What has to be understood (intellectually at first) is that playing these fantasies out will never satisfy you because it is rooted in falsehood and confusion. Your inner infant does not want to be mistreated, but rather taken care of and loved, but it has associated that with being violated so it asks for violation, rather than actual love. This is why indulgence in these kinds of fantasies are scary and unsatisfactory, even if they are very exciting. The infant will create emotions that incentivise seeking it, but it is ultimately not what it wants. You have to understand that children will adapt to their parents to get love or the closest approximation. What is also important to note is that this mistreatment by a parent is not necessarily about hitting you, or acts of physical violence. For example, you may have shown signs of being overstimulated and your mother did not read this properly and tried to interact with you past your limits. This is subtle because infants are very sensitive. You can read about early childhood trauma to learn more about that. What gives PTSD to infants is different from what gives PTSD to soldiers. What ultimately needs to happen is that you have to see this impulse for what it really is. When these emotions arise, you have to name them clearly. Seeking brutality from your partner is never something that you should be doing. This is not love, this is violence. It sends mixed signals and deters both of you from building a stable relationship with a single, unified direction. I am not advocating for denying the fact that you have these fantasies. On the contrary - you should explore them, but consciously, and with presence. You have to really see for yourself whether it is what you want or not. Do you feel joy as it happens? Does it satisfy your thirst for it? Do you feel connected to your partner and feel that you can trust him? Why do you feel guilty for having these thoughts? Why is it not socially acceptable? Why do you fear telling these fantasies to your partner even if he's close to you and could hurt you by rejecting them? There are hundreds of questions like those that can be asked and answered and will reveal to you what this impulse is. Healthy sexuality helps build intimacy and trust and is in line with the general outlook of a relationship.

Yes, that is true. I read somewhere that Óscar Ichazo developed it and it came to me through the internet and Eli Jaxon-Bear's book. I did not intend to imply that Gurdjieff's Enneagram is the same as Ichazo's enneagram of personality. What I was getting at is that Gurdjieff's Enneagram is deeper and reflects more basic rules of reality that govern all creation. These rules can then be made more concrete by framing them in a specific context - which in Ichazo's case was personality. This is why Gurdjieff's Enneagram works with respect to many different areas such as body types, etc. This is also why I made the link between Numerology and Gurdjieff's Enneagram, because they both seem to reflect the same depth (or universality). Alchemical Square of Opposition is another set of unversal rules that can be applied to various contexts. Gurdjeff's Enneagram seems to be much deeper and more rich though. Thank you, I will read it. I am wondering about the term "vortex math" that you used. If you have any resources handy about the vortex, or vortex math, I would gladly read it. Attractors and chaos theory are words that come to mind. My mind also makes the link with Abraham Hicks' teachings but I don't know if it's legitimate.

Things aren't gonna be fixed overnight. You may want them in the future.

I know this feeling. It's awful when you hear that you are evil when your past hurt takes the steering wheel. Healing started for me when I realized that my trauma is not my fault but it is my responsibility. I was letting my trauma manifest through me and in doing so, I was a Joseph to my wife's Preety_india. My trauma was not my fault, I got it from my parents. My parents' trauma was not their fault. They got it from theirs. Someone's gotta be responsible, response-able, for it to stop. Think about your children.

Brain fart haha. Up until number 78 there are 8 vibrations of number 8 that match: 8/8, 17/8, 35/8, 44/8, 53/8, 62/8 and 71/8. Any of those with soul number 21/3 would create path of destiny 11/2. Given that my current one is 10/1, the next one would be 17/8??? But why would he put the numbers in the order that is correct when going around the circumference? They really seem like the holy ideas of each of the enneatypes with respect to personalities. I don't know the law of three or seven so I can't speculate anything more.

How do you pronounce YOD-HE-VAV-HE?

@Zigzag Idiot In the first few pages of the divine triangle, the author describes the quality that each number expresses. This corresponds with the numbers within the Enneagram and encodes the universal principles of change. I remember reading somewhere that Gurdjieff said that he can draw the enneagram in the desert sand and unpack the whole knowledge of the mankind. For example, if you squint at the descriptions of the numbers, you can see the personal essences of each enneagram types (or Holy Ideas) like @Megan Alecia described in her journal somewhere. I can't seem to find her notes on that though. I should have bookmarked them!