tsuki

@flowboy When you mention your dreams, a question popped up to my mind. Is the fulfillment of your dreams more of an artistic project, like expressing yourself, something wants to "come out" and you are seeking ways to give birth to it, or are they something that you seek so that you can feel complete? Do you feel like your life is a race, so that you can make something of yourself before you die, or is it more of a stroll where you admire your surroundings? Mind you, neither of these options are mutually exclusive with being intense. That is why I'm asking. I'm asking also because you seem to be experienced with spiritual practices and psychedelics and I get an achiever vibe from you which is weird when I look at the other traits that I mentioned.

@flowboy When I read through your journal from time to time, you come off as a pretty intense guy that pushes his limits. Have you ever considered that you may be pushing yourself too hard overall and it contributes to your stress (and nicotine addiction)? Maybe it is something that you need so that you can continue this lifestyle and use it as a relief when you are too overwhelmed?

@flowboy have you ever identified the reason why you want to smoke in the first place? It must serve some purpose in your life that could maybe be fulfilled by other means? Like stress relief for example?

Thank you man, glad that you found the new journal of mine Have a great year too! ____________________________________ Took my gear for the first tramp. I wanted to check how the boots fit and they are absolutely awesome. Never had anything like that before. I can walk in any terrain, rocks, water, mud, and they work perfectly. Wool socks work really good too, no blisters and my feet don't overheat and I get no moisture. The only drawback is that I'm not accustomed to walk in something this heavy for long periods of time and my muscles are sore after two hours of walking. I noticed that when my body wants to rest and I'm past my limits without realizing it, my brain starts to play fragments of songs on repeat, using my steps as the tempo. I will not become a proper wanderer merely by buying stuff online. This takes some stamina. The backpack is... well, still mixed feelings about it. It became much more comfortable when I noticed that I installed the frame the wrong way and it did not fit my spine very well. First time walking in a backpack that has a waist strap. Took me some time to figure out that the shoulder straps can't be too tight or else I carry the weight on my back instead of my hips. I can't make my mind about it. I don't like the way it looks, but I feel good when I ask my back about it. Still need to work on my posture though, because it does not work well with my hump and I can't keep my back straight for long periods of time just yet. The backpack is much more pleasant when I gave it a solid scrub, but it still needs work in the frame pocket. I really don't know why on Earth did it smell this way. After I washed it, the cardboard it was shipped in smelled so badly that when we went to do some shopping and came back to the apartment, it felt as if someone threw up when we were gone. I wanted to try to make a fire, but everything is so wet that it didn't work. I grabbed the wood from the trees and made some feather sticks, but they were damp through and through. Probably should have looked for even bigger branches, or maybe even a small dead tree. I got severely disappointed with the axe, I was mostly breaking the wood instead of cutting it. Everything was so damp that even birch bark didn't help. My zippo lighter didn't work in the cold and I failed at using the flint. I made some sparks, but the fire did not catch from it. I should probably tone the difficulty down and first get any fire started before I start to play with flint and steel. Especially because it is pretty wet and cold right now and I don't want to discourage myself too early. Also important to note: neck warmers are much more important than I thought. All in all, I enjoyed experiencing my body and my limitations today.

The voice is just the voice . I mean, it's not like the silence, or emptiness identifies with itself. I've had experiences when the mind was gone and the only thing that remains is that emptiness/silence. When experienced, it is bliss, pure love and everything I could ever dream of. At the same time, it is what remains when the mind is gone, so death is the best thing that will ever happen to me. Not that I seek death, on the contrary, I enjoy life and are enamored with it, I just know that when I'm gone, then I'm really not gone . Sorry if it makes no sense to you. I used to seek to create more space, but I no longer do. The space is only needed to observe the mind carefully, but not with the intent of fixing it, but rather to trust it. It is absolutely genius and wonderful. The second best thing after emptiness. Ever since I understood what love is, I want to simultaneously be both something and nothing. I know that it sounds stupid, but these are not mutually exclusive. The first step was just the unreflected voice talking as me, as in, there was no voice observed, not even thoughts being recognized, just me. When I woke up to the existence of the voice, I gradually became more interested in understanding what language is, etc, and started observing the voice as something that happens, as if it was something external (even though it exists in the private space). I began to learn to distinguish the moments when I'm thinking consciously/deliberately and when the voice talks by itself. At some point, after observation of the voice, I became interested more in it and asked myself, who talks as this voice? This is where I started to recognize that it's conditioned by interactions, something akin to a more sophisticated voice recorder that can model personalities. As I became more in touch with how my psyche works, it became apparent that there are more and less privileged voices that influence other voices. Not by talking to each other, but rather, some personalities that have been modeled by the voice, use voices of other people, "parrot" these people, to gain control over the will. The most dominant voice in there was my critical mother. "She" would use other people's voices to criticize "me" from within me. This had the effect of not actually living my life and having no actual center of my own, no heart, so to speak, recycling same stuff over and over again. Finding the real me within me, or rather, dropping falsehood, is the most significant accomplishment of my life. No, on the contrary! It is the voice that lies, always. Lying is not the correct word, really, at its core it's completely innocent. The voice is literally an infant. After language was learned, it never matured, it was just picking up on things and repeated them without knowing what it talks about. Some genuine insights were had, but they turned to knowledge through representation and lost its "spark". So the snowball of misunderstandings started to weave until it was too great to stop. Really, when it comes to "the other person", then it has to be said explicitly that the voice is the main culprit of all misunderstandings and not being able to see the other in a deep, meaningful, way. Most insights that were had during re-conditioning were actually gained by seeing the falsehoods that kept perpetuating the chatter. They were false/incomplete models that the voice recorder made, so to speak. Some of the insights were also about feeling myself more and prioritizing that over thoughts. This had the effect of deep compassion towards everyone because this condition is not really exclusive to me. My mother, for example, never went through the process I did, so she simply perpetuated the hurts that her parents inflicted. Even though it's the most personal thing, it's also completely impersonal at the same time. Only after seeing through the voice, I am able to experience others truly. There are very few people like that. When it comes to "re-conditioning" the voice, the only thing that was added was my therapists' presence that I modeled automatically. She is a wonderful, supportive, woman that is the mother that I always needed. Having a supportive presence that stops the inner turmoil is very, very helpful and I am very grateful to her. In part, thanks to this very conversation, I began to be more interested in interacting consciously with music and I noticed that there is a distinct kind of pain that I sometimes experience when I'm listening to it. I grasped that it is a warning and I recently stopped the music after feeling it. So far, no repeats . Consciousness and unconsciousness, as I call it, are not distinct entities, so to speak. They only seem that way because our conscious processes are based upon distinctions. The deeper I go into myself, the more in touch I am with the Unconscious, and I am very much convinced that it plays a significant, active, role in how we develop and grow. We seek experiences that mature us and this is what the Unconscious orchestrates. This is what I meant by the "double person" when I talked about observing and interpreting myself. It is not something that I can stop doing, this is how maturation progresses. This is how something and nothing are the same. When there's nothing left to crumble, I mean, literally nothing, the mind is completely gone, and you are love, then you can't help but to give birth to yourself . This is love - it is how reality is "made". Thank you! When I pondered my first awakening after coming down off it, I remember saying to someone that it felt as if reality was raping itself and it felt good. You are very inquisitive and open, I really enjoy reading your questions. Keep doing that and I'm sure that you will get your answers, eventually.

I decided to end my therapy today. This topic came up a few times before because I felt ready to be on my own. The most significant development that I have undergone is that the critical inner voice is no longer the dominant force within me. Thanks to my therapist, I now have a supportive feminine voice that stands by my side that I can rely on. I am also able to understand my current feelings in the greater context, especially when I'm overwhelmed. Another thing is that my intuition has opened up a lot and I am more attuned to my feelings and boundaries. When I asked her to summarize what she saw change within me, she agreed and also complimented a trait of mine that I did not pay too much attention before. It is true that I am grateful for many things that happen, even the difficult ones, and that I am open about it. I want to work on expressing my gratitude more. As for the toys, I have very mixed feelings. The boots are perfect. I mean, top-notch, very comfortable and nice looking. Gloves, socks, beanie, all perfect. The axe surprised and disappointed me a little because it was heaver than I expected and I find it quite dull for a brand new item. The backpack on the other hand... very mixed feelings. I mean, the backpack itself is not too worn, the colors are quite good, i quite like it, but it was somewhat dirty and sticky for whatever reason. It was covered in some kind of white powder on the inside, or maybe the rubber coating started to turn to powder? Dunno. But damn! I found an ancient fucking worn pair of socks, briefs and a PCS british t-shirt inside! FUCK. So disgusting! I feel as if I found a dead rat inside... A part of me was like barf, and the other part of me was like hmm, a free t-shirt, can I wash this? Nope, disgust won and it's in the trash. Scrubbed the fucking hell out of the backpack under shower and now it's drying on the radiator. GOD I HOPE THAT I WON'T FIND SUCH GIFTS IN THE SLEEPING BAG. FUCK. Already wrote an e-mail to the shop and told them to double fucking check this thing. I also hope that the gore-tex bivy for the sleeping bag won't be as disgustingly sticky as the backpack. My pride is itching so much right now. Anyways, I have mixed feelings of disgust, excitement and being deeply touched. I hope that the backpack will dry out by the morning so that I can test it in the field. I hope to take the axe to the forest and see if I need to sharpen it. I was wondering why there are dedicated stones for axe sharpening, but now I get it. The axe is too heavy to sharpen it against the wetstone. A knife is much lighter so handling it is easier. I will have to maneuver it somehow tomorrow.

Ohohoho, my toys arrived. Can't wait to get back home from work

I appreciate this thread. Thank you @Leo Gura for keeping this place sane.

A system that is built on falsehood is at best, random, and at worst, parasitic. In both cases it is doomed to fail eventually, either by chance or devastation.

For me, the most important method is observation of inner, self-created suffering. In my experience, all self-created suffering is caused by acting and holding on to false beliefs. As for looking for the beliefs that create this suffering, contemplation is key. Contemplation being focused intention to find the causes of thinking that led to the undesired outcome.

It's not just an ideology. Most humans are not that far from animals when it comes to how they have sex. Let me re-phrase my words: the idea that there is anything wrong with how animals have sex and that our animal nature is ought to be put on a leash is a disgusting ideology. Sex obsessions stem directly from demonizing one's sexuality and focusing on "higher" concerns. Either that, or trying to substitute sex for other needs that we're not able to recognize because of plethora of false beliefs about ourselves.

Demonizing sexuality is the key component of how the collective ego demonizes the person's body and teaches individuals to be dependent on its "norms" and "regulations". The body is the doorway to wisdom that is not dependent upon external circumstances, so of course it has to be smeared with all kinds of shit so that people won't discover its wealth. The idea that humans are animals in heat and would kill each other if not kept on a leash is a disgusting ideology.

I feel that you fell prey to trivializing other person's willingness to put their ass on the line. Why not document the raw enlightenment experiences and release them after Leo is gone?

@PepperBlossoms Amazing thread! The dominant way in which I think is through inner voice. I used to be wholly identified with that voice, but now there is a big distance between me and it. I tend to identify as the silence in which this voice occurs and allow the voice to speak unhindered. I also watch the feelings that arise in response to the thoughts and use the feelings to guide the voice to be more aligned with the heart. I am very aware of the way in which language is used and spend a considerable amount of time to identify, name and analyze myself, how I feel and how it relates to the events that I'm experiencing. When I'm correcting the voice, I think deliberately, as if I was speaking with my mouth, but without movement, "trying the words on" as if it were clothes and feeling them. The more I learn about myself, the more I know that feelings are more primary than thoughts and focus on expressing them, even if I don't understand them at the moment. When I look back at the situation in which I expressed my feelings, oftentimes I find that they were exactly appropriate and it is only apparent to the voice because of the events that unfolded afterwards that I did not know at the moment. I experience feelings as "attractors of attention" that shift the focus away, or towards something. If I were to make a movie analogy, they are analogous to the editing process. They can be external, as a filter upon the "objective" events of the world, or internal, as sensations within my body-space. When it comes to internal feelings, they are made of distinctly flavored kinds of energy that accumulates in certain areas, mostly around my stomach and solar plexus. The external feelings are usually attractors of sight, sound, or smell, like a beautiful woman for example. There are also other kinds of feelings that are difficult to categorize this way and they occur when I correct the language, or try to express myself accurately. It just feels right to say something a certain, particular, way and when I do this, it usually turns out that I'm right. I am feeling this right now, as I'm writing this post. This probably has something to do with self-reflection, honesty, authenticity and inner truth. When I contextualize these feelings within the given situation and a few-day window, they give me a coherent identity, a person, that lives "under the hood" that I'm working to get in touch with. A lot of repressed stuff lives there and I find that enduring the discomfort of having/being a double person is extremely worthwhile. It is probably the single most important thing that I do with my life. When it comes to the voice, it usually talks as somebody to someone and identifying these people is very important, especially when the voice is very harsh or critical. This gives me the space to look upon my relationships and how they influence me, because the voice is conditioned by interactions. My mother used to be very critical of me and re-conditioning her voice into a supportive woman through psychotherapy has drastically improved the quality of my life. There used to be "friendships" that were actually rivalries that conditioned the voice to pretend manliness. When I'm thinking about stuff, the voice usually goes full lecture-mode, addressing the anonymous audience (probably conditioned by school). The recipient of the talk is also important because I'm bilingual (English and Polish) and I think in different language when I think to different people. When I'm thinking about metaphysical stuff I usually think in English, as if I were writing a post on the forum. This leads to interesting problems when I try to talk in Polish about things that I thought through in English. I work on being able to seamlessly read things in English and translate them into Polish. The voice is not human, strictly speaking, because it is also conditioned by music. If I don't vary the music enough, even very complex songs can get stuck on repeat for weeks. Remembering a different song deliberately helps with it, but not always. I'm still learning to manage the music. There is also a distinct mode of being that I go into when I try to uncover something that I know that I don't know. I call it contemplation. It is really strange, I don't think that there are appropriate ways to express it, but I will try. It consists of noticing the "gaps", or "nothings" that occur when I encounter the unknown. It feels as breaking of cohesion in my reasoning, not being able to follow, as if a moving car teleported few meters forward when I watch it pass by. There is really not much to do when I notice the "nothings" other than sit in their presence and observe them with focus, as if awareness itself had the capacity to uncover truth. At some point, they become intelligible in an orgasmic mind-flash and I can talk about them in new ways. Depending on the thing that I contemplate, this may go very deep and emotions tend to get in the way of doing it. If the mind-flash is deep enough, like really fucking deep, like mind-shattering, going crazy, no-human-can-ever-understand-it-and-yet-I-do-understand-it deep, I can go into a full-blown existential crisis that can last for weeks. As I contemplate more, emotions became more and more on board with this contemplation thing and crumbling of my identity is perceived as something positive and looked forward to. This somehow relates to these distinct neither-internal-nor-external feelings that I get when I write posts like this one. Contemplation and "nothings" also relate to creativity in unexpected ways. When I'm tasked with creating something, the process in which it is born is very reminiscent of sitting in the presence of nothing. Depending on how big the task is, it can be very daunting, but "looking" at the openness that is "there" and waiting patiently gives rise to solutions. At first, they are rudimentary, but making some parts ambiguous, some more constrained, re-arranging relationships between things usually allows me to deepen and deepen the solutions until they become workable. This is also experienced as an orgasmic mind-flash, but is very tiring because my mind tends to build momentum around a certain task and it becomes difficult to stop it at night. It tends to disrupt my sleep pattern and is not really sustainable at the moment. It somehow also relates to fantasy and dream-states as I tend to become enamored with my ideas and fall into attachment. When that happens, I sometimes go bipolar: one day being "high" on ideas, and "low" the other day, criticizing them and seeing the week points. If I can, I try to regulate this and be more grounded, but it is still an area that I'm developing in.

GOSH I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I was so overwhelmed when the shop that sold me gear told me that the gore-tex hardshell is not available in my size. I started thinking and I figured that I will buy myself a waterproof poncho with a synthetic liner on top of the softshell instead. I figured that it's much more versatile and it protects my backpack from rain. I guess that I will learn whether it's a viable option soon. I'm consuming so much information on bushcraft right now, I can't wait to get my gear! SO EXCITED!!! Haven't been this happy for a very long time! I figured that bushcraft dovetails with so many aspects of my idiocy. I feel like this is a very important piece of me that I've been working to discover for such a long time. I have this philosophy of working upon the world from inside out, gradually extending the sphere of my influence. Now that I found the inner source of love, have my mind in order and feel great, it's time to get in touch with my body. I've learned that the most important thing in camping outdoors is again, basics. Clothing. A sleeping bag and shelter. Backpack, tools and skill. All of this starts with your self-knowledge, and choices are made in relation to your skin and your interior. SO EXCITED!!!!! Even learning all of these things theoretically, I can already feel just how weird our normal circumstances are. I feel like I discovered clothing for the first time in my life. This stuff actually starts to make sense! Someone spent time and thought this through lol.

@xxxx When you think that you will lose someone precious to you, it is natural to fear losing them. Attachment and detachment are not about dropping the feeling that comes from the thought, but rather it is about not revolving in the mental space that creates these thoughts. This is not done by "manually" dropping each arising thought, diverting your attention away from it, but rather by investigating the causes of dwelling in such a mental space. If it is common for you to think about losing the people that you love, it will be worthwhile to investigate the beliefs that you hold about your role in these relationships. A good starting point for the investigation would be looking at your childhood and the roles you took in your family dynamic. Contrary to how most relationships work, it is not your job to regulate the other person's emotions by behaving in ways they need, or expect from you. This comes back all the way to your childhood, where it was your parents' job to regulate your emotions, while being responsible for theirs. If they weren't able to self-regulate (and they probably weren't), then they taught you to be co-dependent. This means that as you grew, you learned to fill their blind spots, and provide emotional service to them. Now, as an adult, you may find yourself looking for people to 'fit in' with you, to 'latch' into the services that you unconsciously learned to provide. This is the thing that most people call 'love': co-dependent emotional regulation. This will never work. Healthy relationships between adults require that every participant is responsible for their own emotional state while holding space for the self-expression of others. It does not mean that we're bottling emotions in, not crying and talking in monotone voice, or are being nasty to each other. It means that my emotions are my own and that I can express them, and know how to deal with them, either on my own, or by communicating my needs explicitly. This is 180 degrees different from acting my emotions out, blaming when I'm angry, avoiding when I'm fearful, scheming and lying when I desire. The biggest obstacle to being able to self-regulate is shame. Shame is an emotion that stems from prioritizing external standards of conduct over personal feelings and inner truth. Your own emotions tell you who you are, they tell a personal, intelligent, coherent story and give you an identity that is not based upon roles that you serve in other people's lives (mother, wife, employee, friend, etc) or the way in which you were raised (feminine, gentle, submissive, etc). If you prioritize how you should act over what you feel, then you are disconnected from yourself and feel shame. Shame is an awful feeling precisely because you have thrown yourself under the bus and gave in to the demands of collective ego. If you are disconnected from yourself and are unwilling to experience the emotions that you have (feel stupid for feeling them, or whatever), then you have to repress them. When you repress anything, then you are creating a shadow that acts with the intention of being recognized and re-united with you. Repressed emotions periodically blow up and sneak into the way in which we communicate, undermining the message that we're trying to present. We lash out and act on them. If we're not careful, we're prone to further demonize them and repress them, so the cycle closes viciously. The situation that you have presented is SO MUCH DEEPER than the wording you have used to describe it. This is your mother! The person that raised you. She knows every nook and cranny of your most intimate, infant, interior that still lives in you to this day. She was regulating your emotions way before you were able to regulate yourself! AND YOU ARE UNABLE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR HURTING HER FEELINGS?! She is supposed to be the rock upon which your emotional life is built! She was forgiving you when you shat yourself in the mall! When you bit her tit! When you lied about eating the cookies! She is perfectly capable of forgiving you for a few harsh words and few drops of tears in a heated argument! THIS IS HER JOB AS A MOTHER. If she is a vindictive prick with total memory and a record of every fault that you committed, and reminds you of them, then she is a toxic abuser that should hold no space in your life. Fretting over how she feels in that case is a waste of your blood. When it comes to the "humanly possible" part, you cannot be healthy in a toxic environment. It is possible to get out of a co-dependent relationship, but we're usually stuck in the crab bucket mentality and this requires every participant to do their share of the work. Usually, because of the generational gap, parents are not willing to change the ways in which they lived their whole lives. They are usually locked in because they have not processed their own childhood and the ways in which their own (now dead and deified) parents have hurt them. So, reducing the amount of relationships and increasing their quality will be necessary, but it is doable. Once you know how you are being hurt, it is very difficult to turn a blind eye and keep enduring it endlessly. All of it is spoken from experience, and I may be projecting things onto you. You be the judge, but I thoroughly enjoyed writing this post .

Genuine, fruitful reflection is only possible from the place of non-attachment. Telling a person that is obviously attached to reflect upon their hurtful actions is shaming.

@xxxx It seems like your 'wound' is not really a wound, it's a fear of missing or losing her. I also feel that it is rooted in shame. You have no obligation whatsoever to your mother with regards to being a certain, pleasant way. You two were fighting and she took part in that fight. She was not a bystander. She is an adult that is capable of regulating her own emotions, healing and forgiving you for what you said. We all say hurtful things when we're in that space, where we're only concerned with our own emotions and needs. While this forum is a spiritually-oriented place and it is common to feel shame with regards to standing our own ground and protecting our boundaries, it is very healthy to be your own precious person. It is okay to protect yourself more than you protect the one's you love. I'm sure that you had reasons for saying the things you did, even if you can't articulate them at the moment. Remember that she is your mother and she holds all the keys to your traumas and triggers. It is extremely difficult to remain conscious in the presence of your parents. Terrible advice. Shaming people into kindness is the quickest route to killing their spirit.

@Zigzag Idiot I bought a modular fall/spring sleeping bag with optimal temperature of 0/-5 down to -15. It can be extended with an insert that serves as a summer sleeping bag so that it can also be used in winter. Pretty excited. I'm learning to choose the right boots. I thought about going for military boots, but now that I'm learning more about it, I think that I may be able to choose more specialized purpose but we'll see. Yes, I learned about this method. This is very practical I'm actually impressed by it. I wonder why regular clothes are not made this way. Would save a ton of electricity if we were more knowledgeable about it. Reminds me of Frank Herbert's Dune stillsuits.

I proclaim the year 2020 to be the year of my self-care. Through this exercise, I want to learn what my needs are and take full responsibility for satisfying them. This year, I will make meeting my needs my number one priority and will organize my days around it. This journal is the exploration of this theme. To keep it focused, I promise to myself that I will only post: Promises that I made with myself. Summary of research regarding my needs. I grant myself the right to let go of promises that turn out to not serve me.

Awakening/enlightenment is orthogonal to ego development/spiral dynamics. There is no such thing as "yellow" or "green" awakening. The person never wakes up.

@Zigzag Idiot Probably yes, but I never learned to fish properly. I live next to the Vistula river. Have you ever slept outdoors? I want to be able to spend multiple days outdoors, maybe do 3-5 day trips. I also started a new journal for 2021:

I absolutely love spending time in the forest and I've been very fortunate to do so often during my winter vacations. I recently felt that this need to spend time alone deepened. When I decided to let go of the old knife that I had and bought a new one, I learned about bushcraft and it sucked me right in. I remember that when I was younger, we used to go out into the forest to practice firing ASG. We would dress up in military outfits and train in a three person group. When I look back, the best thing about it for me was camping - making a fire and consuming food. For the past couple of days, I've been consuming a lot of videos on choosing the right equipment. So far, I've been collecting my gear from surplus military stock. It's cheap, durable and designed for the purpose. I bought a 60 liter British military backpack, sleeping bag and a bivy bag, Austrian army gore-tex anorak, and a softie and Czech army trousers. I still need some equipment, but I'm very glad that I bought these. Even though it's winter in Poland, contrary to popular belief, we had very little snow for the past few years so I think I will start my journey very soon.

Books written by Alice Miller. The Drama of the Gifted Child is very short and packs a truckload of punch. Previously mentioned John Bradshaw is also good. I read some of his "Homecoming". Very good.