tsuki

Ohohoho, my toys arrived. Can't wait to get back home from work

I appreciate this thread. Thank you @Leo Gura for keeping this place sane.

A system that is built on falsehood is at best, random, and at worst, parasitic. In both cases it is doomed to fail eventually, either by chance or devastation.

For me, the most important method is observation of inner, self-created suffering. In my experience, all self-created suffering is caused by acting and holding on to false beliefs. As for looking for the beliefs that create this suffering, contemplation is key. Contemplation being focused intention to find the causes of thinking that led to the undesired outcome.

It's not just an ideology. Most humans are not that far from animals when it comes to how they have sex. Let me re-phrase my words: the idea that there is anything wrong with how animals have sex and that our animal nature is ought to be put on a leash is a disgusting ideology. Sex obsessions stem directly from demonizing one's sexuality and focusing on "higher" concerns. Either that, or trying to substitute sex for other needs that we're not able to recognize because of plethora of false beliefs about ourselves.

Demonizing sexuality is the key component of how the collective ego demonizes the person's body and teaches individuals to be dependent on its "norms" and "regulations". The body is the doorway to wisdom that is not dependent upon external circumstances, so of course it has to be smeared with all kinds of shit so that people won't discover its wealth. The idea that humans are animals in heat and would kill each other if not kept on a leash is a disgusting ideology.

I feel that you fell prey to trivializing other person's willingness to put their ass on the line. Why not document the raw enlightenment experiences and release them after Leo is gone?

@PepperBlossoms Amazing thread! The dominant way in which I think is through inner voice. I used to be wholly identified with that voice, but now there is a big distance between me and it. I tend to identify as the silence in which this voice occurs and allow the voice to speak unhindered. I also watch the feelings that arise in response to the thoughts and use the feelings to guide the voice to be more aligned with the heart. I am very aware of the way in which language is used and spend a considerable amount of time to identify, name and analyze myself, how I feel and how it relates to the events that I'm experiencing. When I'm correcting the voice, I think deliberately, as if I was speaking with my mouth, but without movement, "trying the words on" as if it were clothes and feeling them. The more I learn about myself, the more I know that feelings are more primary than thoughts and focus on expressing them, even if I don't understand them at the moment. When I look back at the situation in which I expressed my feelings, oftentimes I find that they were exactly appropriate and it is only apparent to the voice because of the events that unfolded afterwards that I did not know at the moment. I experience feelings as "attractors of attention" that shift the focus away, or towards something. If I were to make a movie analogy, they are analogous to the editing process. They can be external, as a filter upon the "objective" events of the world, or internal, as sensations within my body-space. When it comes to internal feelings, they are made of distinctly flavored kinds of energy that accumulates in certain areas, mostly around my stomach and solar plexus. The external feelings are usually attractors of sight, sound, or smell, like a beautiful woman for example. There are also other kinds of feelings that are difficult to categorize this way and they occur when I correct the language, or try to express myself accurately. It just feels right to say something a certain, particular, way and when I do this, it usually turns out that I'm right. I am feeling this right now, as I'm writing this post. This probably has something to do with self-reflection, honesty, authenticity and inner truth. When I contextualize these feelings within the given situation and a few-day window, they give me a coherent identity, a person, that lives "under the hood" that I'm working to get in touch with. A lot of repressed stuff lives there and I find that enduring the discomfort of having/being a double person is extremely worthwhile. It is probably the single most important thing that I do with my life. When it comes to the voice, it usually talks as somebody to someone and identifying these people is very important, especially when the voice is very harsh or critical. This gives me the space to look upon my relationships and how they influence me, because the voice is conditioned by interactions. My mother used to be very critical of me and re-conditioning her voice into a supportive woman through psychotherapy has drastically improved the quality of my life. There used to be "friendships" that were actually rivalries that conditioned the voice to pretend manliness. When I'm thinking about stuff, the voice usually goes full lecture-mode, addressing the anonymous audience (probably conditioned by school). The recipient of the talk is also important because I'm bilingual (English and Polish) and I think in different language when I think to different people. When I'm thinking about metaphysical stuff I usually think in English, as if I were writing a post on the forum. This leads to interesting problems when I try to talk in Polish about things that I thought through in English. I work on being able to seamlessly read things in English and translate them into Polish. The voice is not human, strictly speaking, because it is also conditioned by music. If I don't vary the music enough, even very complex songs can get stuck on repeat for weeks. Remembering a different song deliberately helps with it, but not always. I'm still learning to manage the music. There is also a distinct mode of being that I go into when I try to uncover something that I know that I don't know. I call it contemplation. It is really strange, I don't think that there are appropriate ways to express it, but I will try. It consists of noticing the "gaps", or "nothings" that occur when I encounter the unknown. It feels as breaking of cohesion in my reasoning, not being able to follow, as if a moving car teleported few meters forward when I watch it pass by. There is really not much to do when I notice the "nothings" other than sit in their presence and observe them with focus, as if awareness itself had the capacity to uncover truth. At some point, they become intelligible in an orgasmic mind-flash and I can talk about them in new ways. Depending on the thing that I contemplate, this may go very deep and emotions tend to get in the way of doing it. If the mind-flash is deep enough, like really fucking deep, like mind-shattering, going crazy, no-human-can-ever-understand-it-and-yet-I-do-understand-it deep, I can go into a full-blown existential crisis that can last for weeks. As I contemplate more, emotions became more and more on board with this contemplation thing and crumbling of my identity is perceived as something positive and looked forward to. This somehow relates to these distinct neither-internal-nor-external feelings that I get when I write posts like this one. Contemplation and "nothings" also relate to creativity in unexpected ways. When I'm tasked with creating something, the process in which it is born is very reminiscent of sitting in the presence of nothing. Depending on how big the task is, it can be very daunting, but "looking" at the openness that is "there" and waiting patiently gives rise to solutions. At first, they are rudimentary, but making some parts ambiguous, some more constrained, re-arranging relationships between things usually allows me to deepen and deepen the solutions until they become workable. This is also experienced as an orgasmic mind-flash, but is very tiring because my mind tends to build momentum around a certain task and it becomes difficult to stop it at night. It tends to disrupt my sleep pattern and is not really sustainable at the moment. It somehow also relates to fantasy and dream-states as I tend to become enamored with my ideas and fall into attachment. When that happens, I sometimes go bipolar: one day being "high" on ideas, and "low" the other day, criticizing them and seeing the week points. If I can, I try to regulate this and be more grounded, but it is still an area that I'm developing in.

GOSH I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I was so overwhelmed when the shop that sold me gear told me that the gore-tex hardshell is not available in my size. I started thinking and I figured that I will buy myself a waterproof poncho with a synthetic liner on top of the softshell instead. I figured that it's much more versatile and it protects my backpack from rain. I guess that I will learn whether it's a viable option soon. I'm consuming so much information on bushcraft right now, I can't wait to get my gear! SO EXCITED!!! Haven't been this happy for a very long time! I figured that bushcraft dovetails with so many aspects of my idiocy. I feel like this is a very important piece of me that I've been working to discover for such a long time. I have this philosophy of working upon the world from inside out, gradually extending the sphere of my influence. Now that I found the inner source of love, have my mind in order and feel great, it's time to get in touch with my body. I've learned that the most important thing in camping outdoors is again, basics. Clothing. A sleeping bag and shelter. Backpack, tools and skill. All of this starts with your self-knowledge, and choices are made in relation to your skin and your interior. SO EXCITED!!!!! Even learning all of these things theoretically, I can already feel just how weird our normal circumstances are. I feel like I discovered clothing for the first time in my life. This stuff actually starts to make sense! Someone spent time and thought this through lol.

@xxxx When you think that you will lose someone precious to you, it is natural to fear losing them. Attachment and detachment are not about dropping the feeling that comes from the thought, but rather it is about not revolving in the mental space that creates these thoughts. This is not done by "manually" dropping each arising thought, diverting your attention away from it, but rather by investigating the causes of dwelling in such a mental space. If it is common for you to think about losing the people that you love, it will be worthwhile to investigate the beliefs that you hold about your role in these relationships. A good starting point for the investigation would be looking at your childhood and the roles you took in your family dynamic. Contrary to how most relationships work, it is not your job to regulate the other person's emotions by behaving in ways they need, or expect from you. This comes back all the way to your childhood, where it was your parents' job to regulate your emotions, while being responsible for theirs. If they weren't able to self-regulate (and they probably weren't), then they taught you to be co-dependent. This means that as you grew, you learned to fill their blind spots, and provide emotional service to them. Now, as an adult, you may find yourself looking for people to 'fit in' with you, to 'latch' into the services that you unconsciously learned to provide. This is the thing that most people call 'love': co-dependent emotional regulation. This will never work. Healthy relationships between adults require that every participant is responsible for their own emotional state while holding space for the self-expression of others. It does not mean that we're bottling emotions in, not crying and talking in monotone voice, or are being nasty to each other. It means that my emotions are my own and that I can express them, and know how to deal with them, either on my own, or by communicating my needs explicitly. This is 180 degrees different from acting my emotions out, blaming when I'm angry, avoiding when I'm fearful, scheming and lying when I desire. The biggest obstacle to being able to self-regulate is shame. Shame is an emotion that stems from prioritizing external standards of conduct over personal feelings and inner truth. Your own emotions tell you who you are, they tell a personal, intelligent, coherent story and give you an identity that is not based upon roles that you serve in other people's lives (mother, wife, employee, friend, etc) or the way in which you were raised (feminine, gentle, submissive, etc). If you prioritize how you should act over what you feel, then you are disconnected from yourself and feel shame. Shame is an awful feeling precisely because you have thrown yourself under the bus and gave in to the demands of collective ego. If you are disconnected from yourself and are unwilling to experience the emotions that you have (feel stupid for feeling them, or whatever), then you have to repress them. When you repress anything, then you are creating a shadow that acts with the intention of being recognized and re-united with you. Repressed emotions periodically blow up and sneak into the way in which we communicate, undermining the message that we're trying to present. We lash out and act on them. If we're not careful, we're prone to further demonize them and repress them, so the cycle closes viciously. The situation that you have presented is SO MUCH DEEPER than the wording you have used to describe it. This is your mother! The person that raised you. She knows every nook and cranny of your most intimate, infant, interior that still lives in you to this day. She was regulating your emotions way before you were able to regulate yourself! AND YOU ARE UNABLE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR HURTING HER FEELINGS?! She is supposed to be the rock upon which your emotional life is built! She was forgiving you when you shat yourself in the mall! When you bit her tit! When you lied about eating the cookies! She is perfectly capable of forgiving you for a few harsh words and few drops of tears in a heated argument! THIS IS HER JOB AS A MOTHER. If she is a vindictive prick with total memory and a record of every fault that you committed, and reminds you of them, then she is a toxic abuser that should hold no space in your life. Fretting over how she feels in that case is a waste of your blood. When it comes to the "humanly possible" part, you cannot be healthy in a toxic environment. It is possible to get out of a co-dependent relationship, but we're usually stuck in the crab bucket mentality and this requires every participant to do their share of the work. Usually, because of the generational gap, parents are not willing to change the ways in which they lived their whole lives. They are usually locked in because they have not processed their own childhood and the ways in which their own (now dead and deified) parents have hurt them. So, reducing the amount of relationships and increasing their quality will be necessary, but it is doable. Once you know how you are being hurt, it is very difficult to turn a blind eye and keep enduring it endlessly. All of it is spoken from experience, and I may be projecting things onto you. You be the judge, but I thoroughly enjoyed writing this post .

Genuine, fruitful reflection is only possible from the place of non-attachment. Telling a person that is obviously attached to reflect upon their hurtful actions is shaming.

@xxxx It seems like your 'wound' is not really a wound, it's a fear of missing or losing her. I also feel that it is rooted in shame. You have no obligation whatsoever to your mother with regards to being a certain, pleasant way. You two were fighting and she took part in that fight. She was not a bystander. She is an adult that is capable of regulating her own emotions, healing and forgiving you for what you said. We all say hurtful things when we're in that space, where we're only concerned with our own emotions and needs. While this forum is a spiritually-oriented place and it is common to feel shame with regards to standing our own ground and protecting our boundaries, it is very healthy to be your own precious person. It is okay to protect yourself more than you protect the one's you love. I'm sure that you had reasons for saying the things you did, even if you can't articulate them at the moment. Remember that she is your mother and she holds all the keys to your traumas and triggers. It is extremely difficult to remain conscious in the presence of your parents. Terrible advice. Shaming people into kindness is the quickest route to killing their spirit.

@Zigzag Idiot I bought a modular fall/spring sleeping bag with optimal temperature of 0/-5 down to -15. It can be extended with an insert that serves as a summer sleeping bag so that it can also be used in winter. Pretty excited. I'm learning to choose the right boots. I thought about going for military boots, but now that I'm learning more about it, I think that I may be able to choose more specialized purpose but we'll see. Yes, I learned about this method. This is very practical I'm actually impressed by it. I wonder why regular clothes are not made this way. Would save a ton of electricity if we were more knowledgeable about it. Reminds me of Frank Herbert's Dune stillsuits.

I proclaim the year 2020 to be the year of my self-care. Through this exercise, I want to learn what my needs are and take full responsibility for satisfying them. This year, I will make meeting my needs my number one priority and will organize my days around it. This journal is the exploration of this theme. To keep it focused, I promise to myself that I will only post: Promises that I made with myself. Summary of research regarding my needs. I grant myself the right to let go of promises that turn out to not serve me.

Awakening/enlightenment is orthogonal to ego development/spiral dynamics. There is no such thing as "yellow" or "green" awakening. The person never wakes up.

@Zigzag Idiot Probably yes, but I never learned to fish properly. I live next to the Vistula river. Have you ever slept outdoors? I want to be able to spend multiple days outdoors, maybe do 3-5 day trips. I also started a new journal for 2021:

I absolutely love spending time in the forest and I've been very fortunate to do so often during my winter vacations. I recently felt that this need to spend time alone deepened. When I decided to let go of the old knife that I had and bought a new one, I learned about bushcraft and it sucked me right in. I remember that when I was younger, we used to go out into the forest to practice firing ASG. We would dress up in military outfits and train in a three person group. When I look back, the best thing about it for me was camping - making a fire and consuming food. For the past couple of days, I've been consuming a lot of videos on choosing the right equipment. So far, I've been collecting my gear from surplus military stock. It's cheap, durable and designed for the purpose. I bought a 60 liter British military backpack, sleeping bag and a bivy bag, Austrian army gore-tex anorak, and a softie and Czech army trousers. I still need some equipment, but I'm very glad that I bought these. Even though it's winter in Poland, contrary to popular belief, we had very little snow for the past few years so I think I will start my journey very soon.

Books written by Alice Miller. The Drama of the Gifted Child is very short and packs a truckload of punch. Previously mentioned John Bradshaw is also good. I read some of his "Homecoming". Very good.

Public service announcement: If you find a certain trait ugly, disgusting or repulsive, it does not mean that you are "not attracted to this trait". It means that you are being actively repulsed by it. That is a form of judgement and there are identifiable reasons for it. "Not being attracted to" means that you are able to hold space for it and experience it. When you are not attracted to short men, or fat women, it means that you can date or bang them but this trait does not contribute to their overall attractiveness. This is completely different from what people hear when someone calls their trait not attractive. They hear that they are inherently unlovable because they are a certain way. This is a self-esteem issue and can be overcome by learning the workings of the mind and freeing oneself from thinking in dualities. The second thing is that relationships are not built on equality. This does not mean that they are built on inequality either. Relationships are asymmetrical, non-complementary and people are incomparable. When a man is attracted to sex, but can't get any, then that man is not worthless. When a woman is attracted by money and has none, then she is not worthless. When a man is attracted by sex and finds a woman that wants money (and is not attracted by sex), then that woman is not worthless. When a woman is attracted by money and finds a man that is attracted by sex (and not attracted by spending money), then that man is not worthless. These two are not incompatible, they are non-complementary. This is very common in relationships to seek partners with complementary needs, but they are close to non-existent. It's far more common to negotiate these things and work for the common cause. If you let your attractions define your relationships, then you are doomed for repeated disappointments.

Paper journal is great for recording your contemplation progress. When I have to physically clear space for writing, my mind naturally calms down. I also find it helpful to write my thoughts with a calligraphy pen so that I slow down and focus even more.

Recently, I've been contemplating my relationship with housework, particularly with preparing my own food and general cleaning. I have lots of resistance to these things that I want to let go of. I received hexagram 63 and was directed to work with the Helper of Transformations in order to free myself from some of my beliefs. The first belief was about my physicality, pain and limitations. I perceive limitations as something evil and something to be overcome. This creates unhealthy relationship with pain, resistance, food and my body. I could not be anything in particular without being limited. The second belief is about house chores. I perceive them as "dead time", something to be performed so that I can do something else. Learning to appreciate these things for their own sake will be awesome.

I feel very sorry for you. It may be extremely inconvenient for you, but I would advise against trying to rush this. Spend some time each day for remembering moments with you mother. Feeling depressed, shocked and confused is to be expected. Conflicting emotions may arise, which is a normal part of grieving.

@kag101 Because it is one of the most difficult things that can be done in a life of a householder. Being in a close proximity to a completely different person and being friends and lovers with them will not let you stagnate, or play spiritual games with yourself. This forces you to embody your understanding. No. It's difficult to explain but I recently found a new avenue and this "bisexual" arc of my life has found a fruitful resolution. I think that a space for masculine behavior of women was being born into the conscious part of me, simultaneously with space for my feminine behaviors and needs. I do find some men attractive and we sometimes comment on them with my wife, but I don't think that I'm looking for having sex with them. On the other hand, I find it sexy when my wife displays masculine behaviors and I want to help her explore them. I am also more comfortable with expressing my femininity and it dovetails with my masculinity in unexpected ways.

2020 has been an amazing year, both positive and very, very challenging for me. I feel like I've grown a lot and this growth has shown me the basics that I don't have covered. Why is it always about the basics? Physical needs, emotional needs, creative outlets, having friends, freeing myself of my conditioning... This life, the life that I'm creating, is very different from what is marketed by culture. I am becoming a shaman, this is inevitable. For the past few days, I was still conversing with the Sage, this time, specifically about my relationship with money. It's pretty messed up and I've known it for a while despite hearing all about it ever since I got married. I am saving up to survive the Apocalypse that never comes, and always have trouble spending it even if I want something. I am purposefully denying myself pleasures to train for the moment when I will have no money. And yet, I do have it. A lot. I noticed that it is an ego trip, an excuse to escape reality. I am using this money to be reckless with life and I decided to let go of it. I will spend my personal savings on things that I want. But first, I consulted the Oracle. I sat in a meditation and asked the Helpers and the Sage to help me find my beliefs about money. I visualized having no savings, and an empty bank account. I visualized having no food. Mild panic occurred, but I immediately thought to ask my parents for help. Nothing happened. When I pondered this, I understood that it's about pride. I am proud of following through with plans, of being prepared for unforeseen circumstances. There is nothing wrong with being proud, but I am attached to pride. I have to feel it. When I pondered this with the Sage, it became apparent that it's linked with the emptiness that I felt for not having a real father. I kept contemplating this, picking apart what I felt as a child and actually experiencing this emptiness. I saw that my father was not there for me because I was reminding him of the absence of his father. I was the living reminder of the emptiness he's been avoiding. When I opened up, the Sage has helped me rectify my beliefs about money, but I was pretty shaken the next day. A lot of chaotic, urchin-like, boyish energy was coming up in destructive ways. When I was taking a shower, the aquamarine necklace slipped out of my fingers and a part of it broke off to remind me of my wounds. This necklace was a new gift to myself and it was very dear to me because of its soothing energy. Then, I got very pissed for no reason at the courier when he was delivering my new knife. I've been steadily removing items with stale energy from my life, the knife dates 15 years back when I was a very angry teenager. It bears a lot of resentment and I decided to let go of it after I cleaned it. My new knife is a tool for working with wood in camping situations and does not bear the killing intent the other did. Still, my urchin wants to slice all things with it. It finally found some rest today when I decided to get rid of the Christmas tree. I took the branches off with the saw-end of the old knife and did some carving of the stump with the new one. For the past few weeks I've been regularly going to the forest and enjoying it greatly. I find great pleasure in taking the thermos and food with me and reading I-Ching in the field. When I was choosing the knife, I learned a new word: bushcraft. It sucked me in real good. I was thinking of buying a bike, but I think that I will buy bushcraft kit and go camp in the woods when it gets warmer. The thought of having no savings scares me, but I will follow through. Money is too complicated for me for the time being. I want the basics. A knife, a sleeping bag, an axe and a backpack full of food. I think that the journal for 2021 will be called self-reliance, but I will do some numerology before I decide on that. Anyways, this journal blew up. 12k views, I can't believe it. If you are reading it, I would love it if you dropped a comment what interests you in my writings. I could use some compliments right now.

Happy new year everyone! Have a great alien invasion in 2021!