tsuki

To me, it's absolutely mind-boggling-amazing that a woman's body can create another human being. This does not compute to me, like HOW?! I mean, the mechanics are pretty clear lol, but really? You just need a little bit of soap water and you will turn food into a tiny human? And this human will not just be a dead body, but a living breathing thing? Will discover the world, fall in love, disrespect authority and be obnoxious like us? This DOES NOT compute. I'm halfway convinced into trying just to see if this is not a hoax lol. A part of me feels sorry for you for having this enormous pressure and a deadline, but the other part of me envies the mere fact that your life has a purpose that is biologically built in. I mean, this is both a blessing and a curse depending on your choices, but I see it as something you can always fall back on if everything else fails. We don't have that option. If you ever wondered what you're gonna do with your life when you can't have children anymore, well, we men are born this way.

@Nahm Great to see that you found an avenue to approach this place .

I would add a following exercise: Look at something that is obvious to you, like your hand. It is obvious that your hand is your hand. Now look at something else, like a glass ow water. Obvious, right? What is this obviousness?

@nistake this is good. I had major shifts when I tried to experience the boundary between sight and hearing or hearing and touching.

I disagree with David Deida. Love is more fundamental than freedom.

This bugs me a lot. Why can't we just have a "clear the post" button with a pop-up confirmation?

The first paragraph is pure gold. Thank you @Guru Fat Bastard for sharing this!

On the flip side, Leo's big strength is allowing threads like this to continue.

Imagine you are 80, on on your deathbed, in your home. Waiting for your time. Would you honestly think that you regret not having worked more, having accomplishments that you can show off with? I mean seriously. Do this right now. Do this visualization and see what you think in the face of death.

Equating me with your ex was a dirty move. I feel terrible. They only appear "cruel" and "brutal" from the point of view of the person that hasn't yet learned the lessons that are offered. It will feel different when you learn the lessons and look back at your current self. My lessons taught me that I'm only protecting my ignorance.

Plot twist: I'm your ex.

It's these seemingly small words like "finally get it" that keep triggering your partners into fighting you . I encourage you to go back through our conversation and read it with this relaxed mindset and see whether I said that dating is easy.

Hahahaha

Yes, my answer is yes. Dating is absolutely brutal. No regards for personal feelings. You will be hurt over and over until you learn how to spot fuckboys. Then, the relationship will put to the test whether you actually love the person you married. You will be hurt over and over until you learn to do that.

Yes, being hurt over and over is a big challenge. I believe that I said so multiple times. This comes off as condescending. The premise of the question is false.

Men are equally capable of playing the victim and it is seen frequently on these forums. Also, when someone is called out for "playing" the victim, they are asked to stop playing the victim. Victim-oppressor-rescuer is a very common unconscious theme that plays out in relationships. Noticing the unconscious invitation to play the oppressor is a significant challenge for men. Apart from extreme cases where people are physically threatened, relationships are always voluntary and the victim-oppressor-rescuer cycle is a form of mutual power play. Children do that.

@Preety_India Take a deep breath and tell me if you truly believe this, or were you simply being cheeky. I am not denying that this is super difficult. I agree that this is super difficult and this is why I said that dating is brutal. Dating is not concerned with you as a person. Spotting fuckboys is ultimately what you have to learn as a woman and you will keep being hurt until you learn how to do it. "Presenting your challenges" will not change a single thing.

@Preety_India When you present your statements as objective facts, you are not merely "stating your challenges". There are a lot of generalizations in your posts and even though some of them are accurate, you are painting a picture that is heavily influenced by the painful experiences that you've shared here. You have every right to be angry and I understand that, but I don't think most men will be able to empathize with you when you blame them. Yes, the men you dated were players and they've hurt you, but you also entered these relationships out of your own free will. They played your blind spots and it's not okay, but you kept being attracted to them. The existence of fuckboys is for the sole purpose of teaching women how to find men. They are not doing this deliberately, so they should not be thanked for it.

You've grown bitter. Men are not evil. You're playing the victim here. The sexual game is asymmetrical and there are good reasons for it. Your resentment is clouding your vision.

Out of selfishness, obviously. He does not care about you clock, it's your job to see this. Because he has to protect his false sense of masculinity. To a player, scoring with a woman equals being a man. They have no idea what being a man means intrinsically, so they walk in the dark. Because he is actually a child pretending to be a man.

It's "time for the man to ask the question" when you feel like it's the time to do so. Some men are too scarred by their own childhood to even ponder such things. It's your job to screen for them and pick the salvageable ones. Of course, you are not their mother and should not attempt to nurture them beyond your limits, but make no mistake - being with you is not a cakewalk either. Believe me, you are way more fucked up than you care to admit to yourself and he sees it. Some men will play off of it, some men will ignore it, and some men will try to nurture it. It's your job to screen for the right ones while you notice the blind spots the wrong ones try to use. Dating is brutal. If he is saying that he wants marriage, but does not deliver, then it's time to dump him. It's your choice to stay with him so don't blame your emotions. Your anger is telling you that he's playing you. I agree that players exist and it sucks.

This is not just lies and pretense. Some people genuinely fall in love, become infatuated with each other and their inner children create fantasies of the other person so that they don't notice the flaws. This is by design. No sane, logical, person would enter a committed relationship. The fact that you desperately want to be in a committed relationship tells me that you have no idea what it means. It will only get more difficult after you are married and it is not because of malicious intent. Growing up is difficult.

If you present it this way, you will scare most men away. It takes a lot of contemplation for a man to see the value in being in a committed relationship. See, the struggles that you posted are revolving around a single topic: being a mother and having a family. At the risk of sounding rude, I will say, that this is both a gift and a curse of women. You nailed the curse part pretty well, so I will highlight some of the upsides that we men don't have, that will hopefully tie back to the point that I'm trying to make. Having children is your birthright, it is the meaning of life you can always fall back on if everything else fails. I am not denying that it's hard work, what I'm pointing towards is that this is something that you are nurtured into cherishing. Men have no such thing. If we find no purpose of our own, we're purpose-less, aimless, depressed and miserable. Finding your purpose is probably the most challenging thing a man can do. I believe this is why most brands of spirituality are male-oriented, because men have the drive to discover themselves simply because we have no other choice. It's either that or we're dead. The alternative is to fool around, run the hedonistic treadmill, accumulate wealth, power, status and fame, but this ultimately gives us no fulfillment. We have more possibility of expressing ourselves, but if there is no self to express, then it is ultimately pointless. The true purpose of a committed relationship for a man is not to have children like a woman has. A man that has spent a considerable amount of time trying to discover himself, screening through the bullshit that he's been programmed with, will not want to pass on a legacy. The only reason for a man to be in a committed relationship is that you women are the single best thing that cuts right through our bullshit and falsehood. You can smell it a mile away, even more so after we're together for a long time. There is no more potent vehicle for emotional growth and self-discovery for a man than a committed relationship. Period. We will give you a child only because you want it and will help you raise it because we love you, and that's it. And we know that a child will repeat right after us, and this responsibility is heavy for men that truly found themselves. Now, you will not find a free man that understand this. If you present it to him like this, he will run away. Mostly because even though I just told you all of this, you have no idea what it means, really. This can only be known from the inside, as a man, how is it to face a woman that knows. You are not doing this deliberately, but if we read you, we learn. So, your best bet is to find a man that seeks himself and hope for the best, that he will find his own reasons for staying with you. If you don't fit into the biological deadline, then remember that children are only important to you right now, because you can have them. Your hormones will do wonders once you can't.

@PenguinPablo "Freud did cocaine" rebuttal coming in 3... 2... 1...

@Preety_India It seems to me that you know what you want and know what you are looking for, just the right man has not approached you yet. I can see how current pickup situation is both destructive and constructive for men and women, but I don't deny that it's difficult for both. Your job as a woman in this system is to screen for mature men. Not men that pretend to be mature that pretend to care for you to get laid, or pretend to be mature and deny the fact that they want to get laid. You are screening for truth, that is your job. I can see how devastating it is for you to try to fit into a biological deadline, but there is no other way. I know that you don't want advice, but I'm a man so you will have to indulge me, we give unsolicited advice sometimes. I know that you want and need the complete package, but it is not likely that you will find the complete man that is your age. Screen for men that want to be there and have the potential for it. Grow with that man, there is no other way. Best of luck, girl.