tsuki

You don't want a discussion. You want a hug.

Giving gaslighting a label and talking about it gives the impression that it is a deliberate action taken by the other person to achieve some goal, win a discussion, or assume power. Gaslighting is a defense mechanism. It is a mechanism buried underneath conscious experience that guards the person that "does" gaslighting to you. The goal of denying the reality of the other person (gaslighting) is primarily to prevent oneself from acknowledging something too difficult to acknowledge. It happens when the conversation is touching upon a subject that would probably shake the whole worldview of the gaslighter, sometimes uncovering things within him/herself that have been denied because of self-preservation. For example, people that have been traumatized, routinely gaslight others to steer the conversation away from topics that are too difficult to handle. I strongly believe that all of the so-called narcissists are very deeply traumatized, to the point of being reduced to basic survival instincts. No conversation that brings gaslighting to light will ever be acknowledged by them unless we acknowledge the fact that they are using it to guard themselves from their own hurt. The other issue is about the distinction between being a victim and having a victim mindset. Being a victim is characterized by being hurt, physically or emotionally. It is about damage and wounds that have been inflicted, not about retribution, vengeance, or even justice. If you have been hurt, and are hurting, then you are a victim. Physiologically, victimization is about bruises, broken bones and blood. Psychologically, victimization is about trauma. These two are interrelated, but there is just one thing that leads out of being a victim and it is healing. Healing is distinct from justice, revenge or retribution. Breaking the oppressor's arm does not help to mend yours, neither does traumatizing him help to heal your trauma. Retribution, revenge and justice are ways in which a person with a victim mindset seeks to advance his or her cause. A person is said to have a victim mindset, when being an actual victim has been incorporated into the self-image and a survival mechanism has grown around it. The purpose of the survival mechanism (mechanism=unconscious process) of a person with a victim mindset is to divert attention away noticing the actual damage that needs healing. It is primarily done via gaslighting, projection and denial. This trauma-blindness often causes trauma victims to repeat the traumatic experience by not taking necessary precautions. For example, a woman that is physically abused may repeatedly enter relationships with men that abuse her. Please note that abusers are usually traumatized victims themselves. There is no way out of these cycles other than processing one's psychological trauma. Changing partners will not help. Solitude will help only to the extent that external abuse will stop, but other self-harming mechanisms will arise. Processing trauma is done via accepting the traumatized parts into conscious experience, renouncing the denial, seeing with clarity, spending time with psychological wounds. To make it clear, in all of this I am not excusing abuse. The stable cycles of abuse are a mutual tragedy that is apparent only to the outsiders and understood only in relation to one's own trauma and shadows. One cannot see past the depth of one's own healing. Our parents will not understand their abuse towards us because they did not process how their parents abused them. In some sense, their job is twice as difficult because not only they have been abused and have to live through that pain, but also they have abused us and they genuinely love us. This is why very few people go through this process. Ultimately, we cannot control the behavior of other people and telling them that they abuse us will not make them stop. In my experience calling people out for "their" bullshit in a heated argument helps rarely, if ever. it usually only heats the discussion up even more, so the correct way of doing these things is to talk about what you, personally, feel. "I feel personally attacked" is worlds apart from "you are attacking me personally". If the other person cannot make space for the expression of how you feel, and tries to tell you that you should feel something else, then disengage immediately. It is a sign that they have no respect for who you are and are not interested in what you have to say. It's okay if it happens from time to time, but if it is a common occurrence, then it is a HUGE red flag for a relationship.

@seeking_brilliance Thank you very much ? I don't think I will be able to make enough space for your treat today, but I will post back as soon as I'm able to. I will probably watch it tomorrow.

Randomness is a way of thinking about uncertainty. It does not occur in reality.

I do. The previous job paid well enough, but I hit the ceiling and I was fed up with work environment. I was passionate about programming for many years but my self esteem didn't allow me transition it into a profession. Glad that it turned out this way. A year later I earn twice as much as before and are treated as a human being, so definitely turned out as a plus. Still, it's a job that I do until I heal and then will transition to something more beneficial.

There is no purpose to human life other than the one chosen by the individual. We're here to express our uniqueness regardless of the relative development level. Actually, it does not get any easier to do so at the higher spiral stages because responsibility is greater. I agree with @Jennjenn, trauma is one of the most significant factors that stunts growth.

Every moderator is green here lmao

I'm hesitant to post this because I'm not sure myself what to think about it. Usually, when talking about minorities, I avoid the argument that it's the minority's responsibility to assimilate into the culture. However, with SD, I'm tempted to use this argument and claim that it's Green's responsibility to fit in with the other stages. I think so because healthy green should have gone through all the other stages and be able to understand where they are coming from and connect with them at their level of development. I may be conflating Green with Yellow here, but this line of thinking may be beneficial if adopted. I also don't think that the usual minority oppression talk is applicable in this instance because of the difference in cognitive abilities and self-understanding between Green and lower stages. Integrated Green would run circles around Blue in conversation. So I don't think that Green needs much protection when confronted with prior tiers. Remember that the higher one is up the spiral, the easier it is to accumulate wealth an power, so the dynamic here is reversed compared to usual minority oppression talk.

While I appreciate the shout-out, it ain't gonna happen. Demonizing is not a deliberate choice for tier 1 spiral stages, so asking the favor explicitly is not going to stop it.

Used to build molds for thermoplastic injection. Now I'm a programmer working in cryptocurrency field.

Never saw new mods introduced before. Talking about moderation policies openly is a good policy.

Using the forum interactions to feel validated, seen. Have a tendency of repeating and re-formulating my point over and over again if I don't feel like it has been acknowledged or understood My points tend to be abstract and I sometimes can drop a witty non dual one-liner just to confuse people Getting into inner contest with other advisors and comparing myself to them (Mandy, Nahm) Not nearly as humorous as I'd like to be Too much concern about my profile and journal statistics These will improve over time when I heal my traumas. I am deliberately not writing about using the forum too much because it is not a problem with the forum perse, but a problem with the current structure of my life.

Glad to hear that <3

Another radical idea: mandatory therapy before claiming any public office. Therapists being apolitical is the trick.

For the past week I've been grieving. Not able to gush out any creative energy at work, just barely making it through, crying in my car on my way back home. Honestly, the pain I'm connecting with is so deep within me that I basically thought that it is me. I am able to cry it out for the first time in my life.

In this this thread: "my enlightenment is more enlightened than your enlightenment".

The reason many religions have such weird taboos surrounding naming God is because turning "it" into a concept gives the illusion that God can be understood intellectually. Once you experience it, it is actually very difficult to ask meaningful questions about "it". In abstract terms, God is a tautology, so giving it a name that is distinct from all other words is misleading. Hence, it is sometimes called AUM, which is the sound that is present in all words as a basis for modification.

I think that spiritual discussions would be much more entertaining if we activated a filter that changes "God" to... [enter profanity of your choice]

Very interesting. Watching his current state, I would have never guessed that he went through such a long path. He even touched green for some time. I wonder what happened.

I was never touched with affection by my father. Thinking of images where I'm hugged by another man puts me in the right place for crying.

Do you volunteer into the 70%? Mass population reduction is coming if we don't do anything about global warming.

@seeking_brilliance Hey, I'm going through grief right now and I would appreciate help with expressing, releasing, sadness. I realized that I never had a real father.