tsuki

Before diving into my second awakening - I would like to address some points regarding my first. As the first awakening happened, I understood that I gave up something precious. What I thought I gave up back then is the notion of objectivity. I was a very scientific person, heavily oriented on mathematics, physics and engineering while also being born atheist. There was no possibility that I would come up with the thought that my mind was not seeing the real world without philosophy. The book I was the path to the fully subjective world. What it did to me is lay in terms of the logical mind: why the logical mind is not sufficient to account for all phenomena I was experiencing. By following the breadcrumbs it gave me, mindlessly, I went to the other side and woke up in Wonderland. What was of extreme importance is that I did not anticipate the end of the journey as I would not have picked up the book at all. The amount of obscure words contained in the work was a deception to the mind and a riddle it was supposed to solve. By picking up the book - the mind turned itself, on itself ignorantly as it always is. When it blew itself up, it left me with emptiness. The emptiness was unawareness of what to look with. The Unfamiliar. In the end, I turned away from the Nothing because I didn't learn the lesson that it gave me: "The Voice is not the thing I am". I followed his lead and turned away from what would take me down the rabbit hole. The second awakening started getting traction when I began to doubt the Voice. The second story begins 6 months ago. The first awakening happened because I felt like pursuing philosophy to become wiser, a more well-rounded person. The second one came about for the same reason. Youtube suggested me Leo's video about various meditation techniques. I always knew that meditation was key to wisdom in Eastern traditions and I was interested in its benefits and scripture that accompanies it. At that point I had no clue about Enlightenment whatsoever and I did not dare to link my experience to Buddha or Jesus. As I'm writing these words it still shocks me that I'm open to this possibility, as I indentify myself as an atheist, which I know is absurd at this point. Meditation quickly sticked with me, as I had some pleasant experiences early on. After closing my eyes during the "do nothing" technique I started having a vision. The blackness changed into a night sky, and the periphery of my vision changed to a forest, as if I was lying on my back looking up. It was very calming and helped me to keep the practice running. Other experiences included feelings of energy shooting up, or shooting down. They felt as if I was infinitely tall, or infinitely heavy. It was literal, visceral, "thing" that occurred and I was shocked that they could happen. They did 3-4 times. Visions were more frequent. I also did some mindfulness meditation. It was important for me to see that the Voice narrates the world. What I quickly picked up on with Zazen is that I simply cannot still my mind. Not a chance. This led me to realization that if I can't make myself quiet, then why the actual fuck do I think that "I" think? If I can't really shut up for a second, then how am I supposed to have more control over my life that I so desperately seek? I switched technique back to "doing nothing" and started to simply listen to whatever the Voice was saying as if it was something I heard "outside of my head". In the meanwhile I went on a trip with my fiancée. I was in the process of blowing my mind with Leo's podcasts at the time (they were simply interesting) and so it happened that I came across the guided meditation one. After the session, when I opened my eyes and saw the river and the sky, I felt so much beauty and connection to the world that it brought me to my knees, crying. I also stumbled upon some of his videos about Enlightenment. I quickly connected the river episode, and the Nothing with awakening, but at the time I thought that Enlightenment is a flip switch - either you are it, or you're not it. The information I had at the time suggested that it is something one arrives at after thousands of hours of meditation - not something I would stumble upon by accident. I was instilled with the idea of being someone completely ordinary. Nevertheless, it resonated with me and once more I recognized that it was something important. I was also working with Stoic philosophy at the time to let me see perspective that would let me control my emotions to a greater degree. I was literally, physically, trying to live it and it worked to some extent. The first words I remember that "pushed" me through the edge of awakening during the self-inquiry are: "Who is the Voice?" "I am not the Voice." "The Voice is not the Voice." That gave me some traction and I used that to bring awareness away from the Voice. The rip was not as great as the first awakening, but gradually, over time, I saw that what I am seeing is not real. It was compounded by the fact that at one point I remembered what I did to disassociate from anything. During the first awakening it took me a week to purge myself. This time took around one day and I didn't crumble like the first time. Every day I would wake up in the morning "asleep" and work my way up to being "awake" in the Enlightenment sense. I did that by relentlessly fighting the Voice each waking minute of the day, even at work while doing my stuff. There was a day that I was so determined to wake up that all of the 8 hours at work, the Voice was silencing itself. Other days, it has turned against itself producing innumerable amounts of nonsense chatter. At one point It was very much convinced that we are THE enlightened, the Buddha, and we are going to be appointed the new Dalai-Lama. LMAO. The trouble is that I was constantly switching between being it and not being it and I was scared that I was going insane. In order to progress I had to give up my sanity. This period lasted a week. It was a gradual wave of disassociation. Disconnecting from the Voice brought the disconnect from what I saw as "real". I was not moving my body, it moved itself. I did not say anything - the thing was saying itself. Out loud to other people and inside to itself. It was scary at first, but I was determined to go as deep as I could this time and not to trust the Voice. I had seen it for what it was: scared, as it is always is when you are "it". At one point, the Voice became frightened that one day we will wake up "asleep" and not become "awake" by the end of the day. That thing became a big struggle. The harder "I" pounded it, the more it became scared. The Voice understood that in order to progress it had to give up enlightenment. So It did and went back to sleep, ending my second awakening episode. I did not crumble like I did the first time. From that point on I knew the experience of surrendering sanity and the experience of surrendering objectivity. There were two beliefs I took with me as I once more started to "be" my body and be in some control of things: People did not see my complete and utter insanity during this episode. What's even more funny is that they opened up to me and my relationships became better! I KNEW that I didn't have to be in control of things for them to play out orderly. I consciously started to let things be as they are. Step by step. It is very important to understand that I did not really contemplate what happened. The points I took from the experience were completely intuitive and I did not use them on purpose at the time. What I did to arrive to the second awakening was pure coincidence as it was happening. This is the Voice narrating my life doing its deceptive work through the text. My story was NOT a story as it was playing itself out at the time. It was a bunch of episodes that resulted in connection called "Awakening". When all of this comes together, this shit rips you to shreds and rearranges you so that you become less orderly. It is for the best, despite of what you fear. If anyone is interested I have more words I used to bootstrap my awakening during the week that the Voice turned against itself. For now, I have some chores to run, so see you later in follow-ups, clarifications and the part three.

A no-self perspective wouldn't care to have a self. Don't get too hung up on words, I give up the quest to make you give up your quest. Peace!

That work you speak of: who's agenda is that? It is Ego pulling the carpet it stands on. Do not focus on on the opposing statement I produced but on the possibility of making one. That is the reality I seek. Let the mind come and go.

There is no throwing away of the mind. Letting go is no throwing away. The mind will come back if you throw it away. Be open for its return.

What I do is I shake the pool so much, that I don't even see the ripples. Stilling your mind is one end. This is the other. There is no need for fear.

@Patang I get a feeling we're talking about the same thing in two different languages. Let me SHOW you what I mean: the real nature of me is that there is something. Then, there is something else. Or nothing... and all of that is okay. Until that it isn't... If this gets too tiring for you - let me know. I'm mapping the territory

It seems that we agree. Wisdom is all openness. Wisdom lies in the process of change. When I say what wisdom is, I need to be able to change that as well. Wisdom is silence that stops. Do we understand each other?

I do, irregularly. The pattern so far seems to be a every other week - 20 mins to 1 hour of do nothing everyday. Recently I've been mixing meditation with everyday experiences. Things trigger meditation states with deep concentration by themselves.

But one that knows everything cannot speak. Thoughts make things something other than what things were. They are no longer unfamiliar! What do you need wisdom for, if you remain silent?

@deci belle At one point I understood that even if I picked the original version of Being and Time written in German - I would understand all of this by simply staring long enough and trying to make sense of it. And I don't even speak German! There is this joke about Heidegger, that he's fundamentally intranslatable - even into German ;). @Patang Your post brought me to tears. Thank you! I can now summarize this post like this: Wisdom is like a muscle. You flex it by accepting the unfamiliar as it is and by not trying to make it familiar. Wisdom will tire. When it does - it's time to speak.

And hell. Depends on which models you confused for what.

This is what we humans do, construct models and mistake them for what they are. This is what I did, what you did, and what @Neo is trying to do. Spirituality is a riddle you have to solve to get to the next level and realize that you didn't go anywhere,

I don't. That's the point

That is a faulty reasoning. There are no methods that dependably guide to heaven. Meditation can, and will, be hell itself at some point.

@cetus56 His presidency, or the will?

@Torkys This resonates with me so much! What I will add from my perspective is that by trying to understand anything at all we make a symbol out of it and create a different real thing out of it. This is what the world is made of! Nothingness! I would rather state that as: All analyses are true! The funny thing is that it means exactly the same thing as yours for me while explicitly stating the opposite. Insane!

@cetus56 "Will" does not have to be free for Trump to become the president.

@Vinnie Thanks, that means a lot to me So, there are some things I need to clear up before I will report on my second awakening later today. @Leo Gura did a video about "correcting the stigma of psychedelics", and what I would like to do is to clear up the stigma of philosophy as mental masturbation. If you are looking for a bunch of thoughts that you can drag around with you and use to explain everything, philosophy is an excellent match for you. In fact, philosophy's sole job is to produce an endless amount of thoughts by changing existing ones into something else. There will be thought-systems that will stick with you and you will use in everyday life, successfully. The problem starts, when you are stuck at philosophy's results and not its method. When you collect the thoughts, and don't know where did they come from. Now you may ask: "so where do they come from?", and my answer would be: Straight out of philosopher's ass. STOP COLLECTING PHILOSOPHER'S SHIT. FOCUS ON WHY DO YOU QUESTION. I was always a smart kid, but not book-smart. I was curious and lazy. I never learned facts, because I didn't feel like putting stuff in my head. I intuitively learned key points and extrapolated them to produce a story. I was always very good at mathematics. By the time physics came along I could memorize an equation and reproduce the theory behind it. I had no clue what I did at the time, I just thought that I was soooo rational and soooo logical that my thinking was very fast lol. I was very independent and it did not frighten me to dive head first into unmarked territory, as it was something I always did intellectually. I learned the method of phenomenology and applied it during reading of "Being and Time" and reproduced all the things Heidegger was writing about. What is key here is that I didn't become obsessed about learning what phenomenology is from Husserl, as he produced enormous amounts of material about it. Instead, I tried to make do with whatever clues Heidegger left in the book and a broad google search on the subject. I was interested in what I REALLY am, exactly, so I didn't want to waste too much time on this subject. So, to summarize - you should not focus on the thoughts of philosophers to simply collect them as medals. What you should do is to focus on APPLYING their methods of inquiry. Self-inquiry, especially because that's what you want to know. And after saying that, I'm going to tell you a small secret: their thoughts are useful as well. Treat them not as something other than yours. Live them. Treat them as if you produced them yourself. Literally, become the philosophers themselves. I know how this sounds - the Ego does not like that and that is precisely the point. The less you like to read the philosopher's work, the more you know that you have to. You have to accept him as yourself. LITERALLY. Combine that with your newly found superpower to pull thoughts out of your ass and treat them with disrespect and voila: you have a very confused ego that pulls the carpet it stands on. And when it falls, the fireworks are SPECTACULAR. So: I hope that the story was enjoyable, but it is simply a story. You know where it came from

@Patang Well, we can't really have a conversation if we are going to call concepts out for what they are

What I did is at first carried on like nothing happened while being completely insane on the inside judging by my previous standards. Then, when I calmed down and changed my standards, I continued like nothing happened, smiling to myself silently. It took some practice, but you wouldn't believe what you can hide amongst unobservant people ;). Your life won't crumble simply because you've changed. If it was all dream from the start - all of it was just a story that played itself while you were being deluded. Have some trust in yourself.

Have you ever noticed that when flailing your hand around, you don't think about moving your muscles? Any conscious act that somebody may call free will is based in unconsciousness.

I like to see it this way: The paradox was always there, you just weren't aware of it. The paradox is the ego dissolving itself. The paradox is the smoke and mirrors that constitute it. It likes to disguise itself as something stable and dependable, but it's not. Logic tells you that if you assume false, you can prove anything. You can prove that you did in fact change reality, or you can disprove it. If you assume paradox, you will get a paradox. If you assume "seeking truth, but accepting none", you will, at the end, see the paradox. As for the road that lies ahead? You just carry on, like nothing happened and smile silently.

@Neo Truth is never wrong. Until it is and becomes False.

@Buba What I'm going to say may sound harsh, but please don't take it too personally. I have never been diagnosed with depression and I probably don't know your hell. Your life was misery before you started meditation. What it does is simply revealing to you the extent of what is happening. What you're doing is simply sitting and observing it. Observing it is only possible because you stop chasing all the beautifully real things around you for a few minutes each day. Look at it this way: when surgeon opens up his patient, it's ugly. If the surgeon was not prepared for what he's about to see, he may throw up. He'll feel better, but the patient will not. He may even die. With what you're trying to do, you are the surgeon and the patient. Keep at it and it will get better, even if you get sick and throw up, and it will get worse. You weren't trained for this. Learn from your mistakes and keep going. After some practice, you will learn to appreciate the beauty of the ugly. Just like any good surgeon.

One of my golden nuggets I keep reminding myself of: Truth is whatever stops you from seeking.