tsuki

<~ This one is in relation to what guys do, but I think it's unisex.

OH MY GOD I AM SO HAPPY AND HOPEFUL FOR THE FUTURE. NOT BEING IN CONSTANT PAIN IS AMAZING Ignoring pain TOOK SO MUCH ENERGY.

Ah yes, Spinoza's Ethics will hit you like a ton of bricks. I had my "experience" with Heidegger's Being and Time earlier, so I loved it and it went pretty smoothly. My parents sent me to therapy, which I started with, like, hours of crying out of compassion for the ignorant. Do you feel like the hospitalization was beneficial to you? (This one was answered already). Do you plan on any action to stabilize yourself further, like psychotherapy, etc?

For the longest time, I wanted to pinpoint something within my experience that would be a good indicator of the fact that I am experiencing stress. Unfortunately, I was not able to find it, but yesterday's date, relaxation techniques, and my recent re-introduction of a stress-measuring smartband taught me the feeling of being relaxed. This is a very welcome feeling that I rarely experience. Relaxation has a dream-like quality to it, as if reality was a good dream, in which I anticipate future with openness and hope. The visual field is different, as if it had a filter that makes colors more vivid and has some sort of woven quality to it, as if edges were accentuated with threads of various colors - mostly blue and red. The face of my wife has a crystalline quality to it, perhaps even god-like. Sigh, I'm in love head over heels. The date was a huge success. Anyways, when I was contemplating in the forest, I was able to access appreciation for fibromyalgia. The Sage has confirmed that this so-called disease is supposed to teach me to appreciate viewing reality through various perspectives, which has been my goal ever since I remember. In order to master it, I have to practically understand many areas of life such as: stress, sleep, digestion, brain anatomy, the autonomous nervous system, the lymphatic system, hormones, psychology and many more that I'm currently not aware of. It basically requires me to live a healthy, balanced life, or else I will be in pain. This is the perfect teacher for a person raised by a single-minded father that pretends to be a purely rational disembodied mind controlling a flesh-puppet. I am genuinely grateful for this guidance because I would not be otherwise able to get out of this frame of mind. The craziest thing is that many of the things that I pursued in life are in alignment with what I should be doing to alleviate my symptoms. There are things that I avoided because I lacked proper motivation such as regular formal meditation sittings, or analyzing my food intake, but now I'm excited for them. The biggest thing that reduces fibromyalgia symptoms is proper sleep quality, so I established a helpful routine last week and I already see measurable improvement. The garmin smartband I bought last year proves invaluable because I can finally see that the big stress I'm experiencing, as well as rapid body energy drop are actually symptoms of fibro. I can also compare my sleep patterns to my wife's as a control group and I can tell the difference from today's comparison. Despite having twice as much stress during sleep, my wife had twice as much deep sleep as I did (her 45 min vs 25 mine). A coworker shared his sleep patterns today and he was complaining about lack of deep sleep despite having like two hours! He did have a different device though so his milage may vary. It's pretty interesting that I discarded this device last year because I thought that I was way too inaccurate, but I accepted it given a new theory. As for the sleep routine, I went for: going to sleep at 21:00 electronic device curfew at 20:00 (phone, tv, pc) vitamins, supplements handling the dishwasher and locking the apartament for one hour total: deep breathing, aum chanting, journaling on my remarkable 2 I especially like the aum chanting because it combines deep belly breaths with vagus nerve stimulation. Vagus nerve is connected to parasympathetic nervous system and it governs, among many other things, speech-related muscles and coils around my voice-tube. Parasympathetic nervous system is responsible for relaxation and stimulating it is pretty damn effective. I was able to lower my smartband stress measurement down to 5 yesterday, which is remarkable given that I usually idle at 50-60. I could also incorporate inducing the gag reflex with my toothbrush into the routine, but my bisexuality shame is holding me back for the time being. Very exciting times indeed...

Yesterday, I did a 14-km round-trip with a 12 kg backpack. Pretty interesting and intense tbh. Unfortunately, I was not able to sleep out because my sleeping bag was too warm. I was also concerned that I will not have the strength to go back home if things got dangerous. I think I will have to sleep someplace closer and perhaps venture out later into the day so that I don't second-guess myself after I set the camp up. Anyways, my concerns about strength were not confirmed because I woke up well-rested, with sore muscles. This is the first time I was able to set a proper camp and I learned that good setups are modular and easily modifiable. First, I set a mat and a pillow, then, I clean the leaves and set the poncho underneath. After that, I set the tarp up, and only then I get the sleeping bag. This process took at least and hour because I'm pretty tired after the walk, and I need to feel the area for the proper camp placement. Also, what is very important is the order of items in the backpack. Stuff needs to be packed as if I were disassembling the camp: first the sleeping gear, then the tarp and lines, then the clothes and poncho, then the food and water. This way, there is minimal awkwardness when accessing items. I bought a new backpack, Karrimor Sabre 45 and I'm very glad I did. I don't have to convince myself that I like it and it packs very well. It is also modular so that I can buy side pouches and extend it capacity for longer trips. I will have to buy a summer sleeping bag though, preferably a British military one so that it combines with my current to form a winter variant. I also started reading "The Fibro Manual" by Ginevra Liptan, M.D. Fascinating book about fibromyalgia. As it turns out, this is a hypothalamus disease that locks the sympathetic autonomous nervous system into a constant fight-or-flight response. The symptoms have two primary causes, which are deep sleep deprivation, and digestion problems. The pain comes from lack of proper muscle detox during deep sleep which causes the immune system to flair up and aggravate the fascia, which has a lot of pain receptors. During the trip, I was afraid that the labor would cause a lot of pain so that I would not be able to make it back home, but thankfully I had no issues today. The rheumatologist gave me some vitamin B and D and I started helping my sleep with some valerian root extract. I will probably start supplementing GABA with glycine, and maybe some form of magnesium to help with RLS. Also had a date with my wife. I think we've got commitment down for the time being and I'm finally starting to grasp what seduction and passion are. It was pretty successful.

Super important https://youtube.com/channel/UCR3yCTTgjOOHVyx0NGdfmVQ

You would be surprised. What outwardly looks like narcissism is internally lack of self-esteem. This is a fact.

As a philosopher, Hubert Dreyfus is best known for his studies on Martin Heidegger. Heidegger was working with Ontology, the study of being.

This is an amazing channel that talks about research into safety concerning general artificial intelligence. What I like about it is that it avoids fear mongering and shows various quirks of optimization that tie well with spiritual topics presented by Leo. For example, the author shows how self-preservation, deception and reward hacking spontaneously arise when all the agent cares about is reward maximization.

Either you are deeply ignorant, or indulging in some sort of fantasy. Good luck in finding someone more appropriate to give you advice than me.

What does it mean to you? What are the symptoms of "too much empathy"? Also, how old are you and where are you from?

Hi, it's been a while. My mind found a way back here to this journal after I finally landed a visit with a rheumatologist. Not sure if I ever shared this here, but a lot of painful memories from my childhood have to do with many hospitalizations I had due to a mysterious disease in the ballpark of juvenilie idiopathic arthritis. After I came of age and was discharged from hospitals, I decided that I needed no medical care and started living as if nothing was wrong. Looking back, it was a necessary period to take care of my mental health and get my life in order, or rather: to allow myself to be messy. Now, I feel strong enough to go back and tackle this issue again because I've grown to understand that mind is not, in fact, over matter. The visit to the hospital was pretty taxing on my psychology because it revived all sorts of mental states dating way back. Walking the hallways felt strangely home-ish, but at the same time, triggered abandonment fears and all sorts of helplessnesses. I walked into the office pretty broken down and regressed, and the doctor seemed distant and detached, which felt familiar and strangely reassuring. Facing her conjured a mix of fear of my symptoms being ridiculed, with feelings of deep dependency upon her. Now that I'm writing this, I realize that I must have tried to form attachment to doctors when I was alone in hospitals. I think so because the feelings I had towards the doctor are very reminiscent of what I feel towards my mother. Thankfully, she wasn't my mother and she was gradually opening up as I was describing my history and symptoms. The most difficult part was plainly speaking about the connections I saw between my psychological state and the pain in my body afterwards. I was sure that she would dismiss it as me being a hypochondriac, so I made sure to stress beforehand that I was 6 years in therapy after I left hospitals. Thankfully, she didn't ridicule it and I felt brave enough to tactfully share my suspicions about fibromyalgia. When I said it, she opened up even more and said that it was also her first instinct, but we need to run tests to rule out other diseases first. I know that there are no tests for fibro and this is the standard way of proceeding. I even opened up enough to share that I used to do LSD but had to stop once I learned experimentally that it aggravates autoimmune disorders. The following days were pretty difficult because the stress increased inflammation in my body so I'm in pain as I'm writing this post. My wife accompanied me to the hospital because she knew how difficult it was for me, but failed to consider her own traumas. She learned to be codependent on her mother and took a hard hit when her mother was hospitalized with kidney problems when she was about 10. Back then, she sympathetically fell very sick with fever and her father whom she hated had to take care of her. The hospital visit was the first time when she was fully exposed to the extent of my illness and went through several panic attacks during night. I did my best to support her, and after some convincing, she finally gave in to call her mother during the night so that she would soothe her. We only understood the connection between her childhood trauma and my visit to rheumatologist today morning, so this story is linear only in retrospect. As it was happening, it was very chaotic, but I'm proud that we did not jump to each other's throats in times of stress, but supported each other. Yesterday I decided to ask the Sage to cure my illness and I developed hexagram 47/33 changing lines 2,3,6. As usual, it points to my father as being the source of autoimmune disorders in my family and his materialistic thinking that demonizes the body. This time, however, I'm starting to see the programs that I inherited in this regard, but it's still very murky. Will introspect with RTCM for the next few days. ------------------- I would like to thank @Preety_India for pointing me towards the right direction. Your input in the other thread was invaluable. Thank you!

As always, enjoying your posts. Thank you for sharing.

I highly suggest watching the whole movie "Man for all seasons". It is specifically about integrity. If you are not afraid of spoilers, here is the climactic scene:

Terrible idea for your mental health. You are not supposed to deatch from your emotions, but from the constant abstract chatter of your think-box.

I'd say that important component of mastery is tied with competition. It's not much of a mastery if you are the only person in the world doing something, nor is it when you only think that you are a master. In this sense, putting your work out there for people to consume it is crucial, but not all-encompassing of mastery. Think of it more in terms of testing yourself, but remember of Goodhart's law (When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure.)

More often than not, a catch-22 is a by-product of a constrained perspective trying to squeeze/frame a broader perspective into itself. For example, if you frame understanding as an emergent property of language, then you cannot explain how communication occurs. That is because within this perspective, language had to be communicated to you when you were learning it. Similarly, if you view your limited self as your true self, then you must fear and defend yourself, thus reinforce separation. The only way out of this is to experience death and view knowledge from not-knowing.

Your values are not a mental construct that is built on a whim with reasoning. They are ingrained into your being as your schemas and patterns and reinforced via repetition over years. "Values" in this sense is a reverse-engineered description of what you stand for as a person. If you truly understood that masturbation was wrong for you, you wouldn't do it. It has to serve a purpose in your life, like for example, blowing the steam off after a stressful day, but you can't admit that to yourself for some reason. Do not underestimate your patterns. Generally speaking, the less you involve moral judgments into self-improvement, the smoother it goes, so stop moralizing at yourself and learn to respect your history.

@LambChop I have a question for you. Before your hospitalization, did self-help material help you to get serious about your mental disorder, or did it rather contribute to your will to brush it off as being weak, or underdeveloped? Similarly, how did spiritual material influence your attitude towards your mental health?

This is a very good observation. Be mindful that cycles of domestic abuse are likely to create psychological trauma that can be maliciously triggered against you in court. If you can afford it, I strongly suggest to find professional help: a good lawyer and a good therapist. Strong support in these domains will be invaluable when things get nasty. Also, be mindful that any sort of spiritual teachings that teach you to sacrifice yourself for a greater good, or for moral reasons is simply false - plain and simple. Steer clear of such ideologies, at the very least until you win the custody battle for your children. You will have time to contemplate this in easier times.

WDYT? Is democratization of GAI research a bad idea? Sounds fishy to me. Haven't watched Elon's interview, but it seems like democratic access to GAI is a good idea.

Please do not confuse love in metaphysical/spiritual sense with love in relational sense. The primary role of anger is to tell you that your boundaries are being crossed and to mobilize you to action. If you eviscerate that, you will not be able to fight for yourself when you are being treated unjustly. Instead of trying to love your abuser, focus on loving your children and on loving yourself.

Don't sweat it. I'm sure that there are waaaaaaaay worse things about you that will scare her off if you tell her. Don't worry, you will tell her. Eventually .

There is no such thing as a "normal relationship". It is "normal" when it fits both of you and you are not afraid of bringing it up when something needs to change. Try bringing it up with him and see if he's able to respond to your needs. Chances are that he will and you will carry on.