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I just read these three last posts to my wife. I'm so glad that she's finally here. @Zigzag Idiot Being broken open is exactly how I feel. If you ever wanted to see more, you have to be insane. Who is your 'big daddy' to put your pieces back together for you?

I took 100 ug 8 am in the morning. The idea was to ask myself 'what am I', but very early into the trip it became apparent that I don't really want to know that. I had the answer for the next 7 hours after I took it and I just can't take it. It's too much. I have a friend with me and I called my mom to help me. It's so good to have other people to depend on. I'm so glad that these people do not see what I do. It makes me want to protect them from it. I'm so glad that my wife is away so that she does not witness it. It's terrifying. If I ever come to a bright idea of taking this substance ever again, I hope that these people will prevent me from it. Curiosity had killed the cat. @now is forever, @Zweistein, @Leo Gura, @Zigzag Idiot I look up to you. It's good to have stronger people to depend on.

Today I will be tripping on LSD for the first time. 100 ug. "What am I?" will be the question.

@GroovyGuru I'm in my 30s and here is my advice: It may sound silly, but you are alive because of your parents, which are a part of society. You are not a separate, self-sufficient organism. You are finite being that is contingent on external circumstances. Embrace it. It is not just about biology, it's about everything in life. To live is to exchange energy and you are your parents' effort. They made you for their own benefit, so you don't have any debts to pay, but you still want to live and you need people to need you. Make yourself useful. Being useful is not your life's purpose, but it will let you live. Boring, repetitive work can be mastered and brought out of your consciousness to give space for things you find more important. I am a mechanical engineer and things that most people find difficult to understand are boring and repetitive to me, so I know what I'm saying. Contemplation and meditation is super important, but given your circumstances I'll say that you are procrastinating. Do you know what is worse than boring repetitive work in a cubicle? Boring repetitive work in a supermarket. That, or boring repetitive begging on the streets. There is a reason why self-actualization and self-transcendence is at the top of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Fail to secure the base and you will get nowhere - despite all of the genuine effort you will pour in. Find your internship. Leo is not going anywhere and you are still very young. There is another thing about your situation that you may be not aware of: the reality that school presents to you is fabricated to make teacher's lives easier. This vast, nauseating feeling of open-endedness of life is the existential reality of your adulthood. There is no ladder to climb from freshmen to graduate. There is no objective system of grades to build a hierarchy of good and bad students (employees). Your boss is not going to grade your assignments according to a standard. Everything is as open-ended as your situation right now. Never forget this despite everybody else's best efforts to present reality in a different light. Nobody knows where we're headed and nobody knows where you're coming from (including me). Get used to it.

I don't think that it's necessarily more difficult than any other transition. Maneuvering out of blue's dogma with all of its systems that threatens to kill you if you step out has to be a lot of trouble. Green is no different too. Once you've deconstructed success that orange is oriented towards and see its true nature (sheer stupidity and shortsightedness) - it is extremely difficult to find a new basis that is not susceptible to the same methods. Spiral dynamics is a tricky thing to master, especially since you know up front that every single stage is wrong in some sense.

@Daniell Why don't you ask him to remember how it was back then, before he was born?

@Ethankahn If you "adopt" a fully nondual perspective, then why is there a need to ask why? Who are you asking, exactly? What is the difference between questions and answers? Is there a duality between duality and nonduality?

@Aquarius I refuse to blame. You, me, the medium. I just love Enneagram. It's so uncannily accurate. Truth always feels like a slap in the face and this system just never fails to deliver.

@Aquarius I'm sorry. How do I even respond to you after all you've wrote? Let me try this way and I hope that you won't pick up on my mountains of suppressed anger this time: I don't take anything you say personally. You are okay. Don't worry. I was making fun of myself in my last post. This human thing called "talking" is tricky. I usually fail at it. Have a good day.

You're right. Don't use the word don't.

@Aquarius My inner animal smells a slight sense of superiority from you. You may call it my insecurity if you feel like it. Anyways, thanks for your explanation of what spiral dynamics is and your encouragement to feel comfortable picking a seat. I find both of these kind of insulting, but I know that we've never talked before and you're probably just cautious with your response. I choose not to identify as any particular SD stage because I think that it is ridiculous to cultivate an identity in a system that is built around a hierarchy. (That's very green/turquoise of me, isn't it?). I think that any color I choose to pick is, ultimately, my choice and reflects my self-image. Any development within this system is therefore not a development of me, but of my thoughts about myself.

Hey, I was just curious what do you get from calling yourself coral. I didn't intend to offend you at all. In fact, I'm still curious. I used to (silently) think that I'm turquoise, but I'm probably green/yellow.

Ohh, and I'm back to obsessive checking out of the forum. I have to get back to being productive! My success is at stake lol.

@Aquarius I'm curious, can you actually look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say that out loud with a straight face? The more I think about spiral dynamics (and even life in general) - it all seems like a device that reflects ones self-image.

Half a month later - I'm still entangled with bayesian machine learning with PYMC. So far, I was able to create a autoregressive model for stock price forecasting in PYMC3. For now, moving average models have the upper hand on me - I can't find any solid introduction on them. Anything I'm able to find is either: Good old arxiv article written in plain mathematical Voodoo Failing to describe the actual process of parameter estimation of the model So far, I was able to implement an example of MA model from STAN's documentation, but we have a disagreement with python interpreter about its correctness. That cheeky bastard actually swallows the program no with problems, but then, when I try to sample from the model - it crashes. The actual python interpreter crashes. It makes me think that It's a bug in PYMC, or Theano, but it just seems like I'm excusing myself for my lack of skill. What makes me think that I'm correct? Well, as funny as it sounds - this implementation is the only one that makes sense to me and if I introduce a bug, it samples, but the output is rubbish. I implemented it twice in two different ways and it crashed both times. Wrrrrr So - it seems like I'm back to buying into the life's stories of necessary success. It's a refreshing change, actually believing in something. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Perfection is not a statement about reality's moral value, but about its completeness.

Just to leave a breadcrumb for myself - I vanished into: Re-capping statistics Then I got into Bayesian statistics Then it lead me to quantitative finance Which took me back to machine learning Now, I'm playing with time series analysis with Bayesian statistics.

Enneagram type six, counterphobic MBTI - INTJ It's strange that we're both sixes and I actually took great value in learning MBTI.

That's just beautiful.

Funny that we can always immediately tell that we're not on the same page though .

I don't have any concerns, I was clarifying the question that @Sashaj asked.

That's a good point and I thought that as well for a very long time. I think that the key observation is that we take the understanding of language for granted, and it is not such a simple matter. After all - in order to understand what @Preetom says, one has to go through some of 'the path' and relate his knowledge to what Preetom wrote. The important bit is 'relating his knowledge', or 'careful consideration'. Without it - it will become just another belief. So - even if Preetom presents knowledge, this knowledge has to be understood.

I don't think that you do. It may very well point to it, but I haven't followed that pointer yet. I have an intuitive sense that you are right, but the whole point of reading Ethics is to see it in terms of something else than intuition. (or at least in baby steps of intuition) I am an INTJ and intuition is my strongest forte. It feels like magic.

It does not relate to my interpretation of Spinoza, because I'm just 20 pages into the book. However, my high level view of his work suggests that he may conclude that in the last part of the book. I can relate to what you've quoted from experience though. I can barely follow myself . The key to understanding any of that is understanding what a substance is. You can understand that either by stumbling into this problem by yourself, or - by reading Descartes (which Spinoza argues with). The key here I think is that substance is basically a self-defining concept. Descartes concluded that there are two substances - mind and body. These substances do not interact with each other and because of that, he was left with the famous mind-body problem that Spinoza solves. His idea is that Descartes is wrong in concluding that there are two distinct substances and proves that on the grounds of logic. Ethics is built as a set of propositions that mimic Euclid's Geometry for that reason.