tsuki

Gurdjieff on Conscience, as recounted to P.D. Ouspensky in “In Search of the Miraculous,” taken from the edition published by by Paul H. Crompton Ltd 2004, Pages 155-156. “‘Conscience’ is again a term that needs explanation. “In ordinary life the concept ‘conscience’ is taken too simply. As if we had a conscience. Actually the concept ‘conscience’ in the sphere of the emotions is equivalent to the concept ‘consciousness’ in the sphere of the intellect. And as we have no consciousness we have no conscience. “Consciousness is a state in which a man knows all at once everything that he in general knows and in which he can see how little he does know and how many contradictions there are in what he knows. “Conscience is a state in which a man feels all at once everything that he in general feels, or can feel. And as everyone has within him thousands of contradictory feelings which vary from a deeply hidden realization of his own nothingness and fears of all kinds to the most stupid kind of self-conceit, self-confidence, self-satisfaction, and self-praise, to feel all this together would not only be painful but literally unbearable. “If a man whose entire inner world is composed of contradictions were suddenly to feel all these contradictions simultaneously within himself, if he were to feel all at once that he loves everything he hates and hates everything he loves, that he lies when he tells the truth and that he tells the truth when he lies; and if he could feel the shame and horror of it all, this would be the state which is called ‘conscience.’ A man cannot live in this state; he must either destroy contradictions or destroy conscience. He cannot destroy conscience, but if he cannot destroy it he can put it to sleep, that is, he can separate by impenetrable barriers one feeling of self from another, never see them together, never feel their incompatibility, the absurdity of one existing alongside another. “But fortunately for man, that is, for his peace and for his sleep, this state of conscience is very rare. From early childhood ‘buffers’ begin to grow and strengthen in him, taking from him the possibility of seeing his inner contradictions and therefore, for him, there is no danger whatever of a sudden awakening. Awakening is possible only for those who seek it and want it, for those who are ready to struggle with themselves and work on themselves for a very long time and very persistently in order to attain it. For this it is necessary to destroy ‘buffers,’ that is, to go out to meet all those inner sufferings which are connected with the sensations of contradictions. Moreover the destruction of ‘buffers’ in itself requires very long work and a man must agree to this work realizing that the result of his work will be every possible discomfort and suffering from the awakening of his conscience. “But conscience is the fire which alone can fuse all the powders in the glass retort which was mentioned before and create the unity which a man lacks in that state in which he begins to study himself. “The concept ‘conscience’ has nothing in common with the concept ‘morality.’ “Conscience is a general and a permanent phenomenon. Conscience is the same for all men and conscience is possible only in the absence of ‘buffers.’ From the point of view of understanding the different categories of man we may say that there exists the conscience of a man in whom there are no contradictions. This conscience is not suffering; on the contrary it is joy of a totally new character which we are unable to understand. But even a momentary awakening of conscience in a man who has thousands of different I’s is bound to involve suffering. And if these moments of conscience become longer and if a man does not fear them but on the contrary co-operates with them and tries to keep and prolong them, an element of very subtle joy, a foretaste of the future ‘clear consciousness’ will gradually enter into these moments.

This is so inspiring. Ever since yesterday I became aware of how much I write and think about myself. How important I am to myself. Is there even a difference between writing a journal to self-actualize and writing it to self-admire? I am so proud of being self-conscious. The uncomfortable truth about being a hipster is that I'm boiling with rage that is fueled by my powerlessness. Having post modernism defined as a cultural movement, I am trapped by something that I use to escape being pigeonholed. I am furious because I can't outsmart it and I am smart enough to know that being smart is easy. What is difficult is authentic love without being proud of it, and I fail at the last bit miserably. So, am I a hipster, a satire, or a parody? I want to accept being a hipster, be a satire of myself and a parody of spirituality.

If that's the truth of your experience and not a facade, then I salute you.

@Gog By rational, you mean post-postrational? I wonder if there really is such a thing. I'm starting to lose hope. I have always wanted to somehow integrate logic and paradox, but I never succeeded. The only thing that comes close is using mathematics in a poetic way, but it loses all of its utility.

I remember my fascination with strangeloops. I'm still recovering from it. My latest discovery was the difference between total order and partial order. Life seems like 1 < 2 < 3, but it's more like rock paper scissors.

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you. I resonate with what you wrote, but there is some resistance towards the last two paragraphs. Can't see it clearly, but I'm glad that I asked. You seem to have come across a lot of, hmm, esoteric (for a lack of a better word) texts. How did you become interested in them? Your sources are always similar in the sense that common people would consider them spiritual nonsense (I hope that you take no offense, I do not consider them as such - just no better description comes to mind).

@Zigzag Idiot I can relate to him in this regard as well. People tend to respond with hostility towards things they do not understand, simply because deep down, they don't believe that there is something beyond their understanding. That they know how the world works. I can envision Joker venturing deeper and deeper into his insanity for what seemed to him valid, rational, reasons. In doing so, he gradually lost touch with other people, unable to explain what he does - even if he was true to himself. At some point, he just accepted that there is no way back and embraced his loneliness. From this point of view, he's like a lost, abandoned child. His need for external validation does not surprise me. It may be easier for him to guide people in, than find his way back. A mind that is once opened is difficult to contain.

Yeah, I know. I was trying to reassure him, but he was so stuck in his thought-loops, that he barely gave me space to talk. When he did, I commented on my ignorance about current affairs and that I do not pick sides. His response was 'what sides, is there any conflict?'. To that, I responded: 'Well, you seem to imply that'. The more I think about him, the more sympathetic I become. His most redeeming quality was deep respect for another member of the management that supposedly 'holds this thing together'. He said that he lived above him, but nobody introduced himself to be a part of the management, so I don't know anything about him. It makes me curious. If I met him, then I really respect him for his silence. Now that I thought of it some more, I do not agree with Jared (from wisecrack) that Joker denies insanity. Joker affirms it so thoroughly that he treats it like air. He is completely at ease with his condition, to the point of making jokes about it. I can't help but to see the tragedy of what he had become. His most disturbing quality is the fixation on external acknowledgement. He wants Gotham, Batman and the world to see how insane they are compared to him by pretending that they are normal. He is so far gone that he kills and tortures people to prove his point, that everybody is just one bad day away of losing it, and of course - he is right. We are all crazy, some of us are so crazy that they can't even acknowledge it. I don't know whether Joker is aware of his need of validation or not, but it is deeply egoic. It seems like he is, which is how I read the ending of the 'Killing Joke' - and in that case, he has truly become a sage, unable to turn away from his fate. He is a force of nature, the embodiment of insanity. It's a terrifying idea that I could become like that one day. What do you mean by 'strange attractor' @Zigzag Idiot ? Can you elaborate? It piqued my interest - wikipedia mentions it only in reference to chaos theory and fractals (both are my favorite subject).

This was near the end of the article on Buffered Consciousness just above. Although It's Fourth way material, it points to an occurrence mentioned in the I CHING when one incurs a fate by slandering the Cosmos, thus imprisoning the 'Cosmic helpers'. When we reunite with our True Nature the Cosmic helpers or nature spirits are free to help us again. They remain able to help when we are balanced and connected with our True Self. @Zigzag Idiot I'm very thankful for this passage and your commentary. My recent departure from spiritual path into bayesian statistics that was fueled by my instinct of self-preservation was abruptly redirected back to my previous course. I'm not at ease with saying that the universe took care of me, or that I have a guardian angel, but your words are very soothing. I wonder whether I will ever be able to honestly say that I'm special and that I deserve to be taken care of.

@PetarKa I recently had my first trip on LSD and my advice is: please beware and respect the substance. It had helped me tremendously, but it was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. When it comes to losing it, the further I am on the path, the more I feel like I've lost it for good. It's scary, but strangely reassuring at the same time. I don't know why. I won't tell you to do it, or not to do it - your conscious decision is a part of the process. Weigh the pros and cons, so that you resent, or admire yourself. Good luck.

Am I a spiritual hipster, a satire, or a parody? I can't seem to decide which. This triggers me a lot. I kind of feel like the joker that outright denies insanity. I think of myself to be sane precisely because I watch my insanity very closely. I distrust people that say that they are good, or the ones that deny their animal nature. I have an acute sense for liars and I'm allergic to salespeople. The better salesmen they are, the more I despise them. Hmm, still no arbiters here.

Here's an entertaining story related to this point. After my last trip I talked to my neighbor about our housing association. We were both dissatisfied with the flow of information between the management and inhabitants, so I realized my idea of creating a facebook group. I printed out invitations and went around the building, talked to my neighbors (some of which I never met before) and invited them to join. I am well aware of the sticky situation between management and the inhabitants, so I hope that this thing will turn out alright for everybody. It's not a matter of hope, really as I've put myself out there and actually talked to people, so I'm kind of responsible that this thing will turn out well. Everybody seemed genuinely interested except for one person that surprisingly, was the head of management. That guy was scared shitless. First, he told me that if I wanted to do such a thing, then I can ask management to do it on the next meeting. Then, he tried to persuade me that there is no point in creating the group. Then, he went ahead to complain about the inhabitants that do not cooperate with the authority. Then, he asked me to join the management. When I asked when will be the next meeting, he vaguely replied that it'l be held next month, but it haven't been decided when exactly. He wasn't even able to tell me how we will be notified of the date. I don't know if he's scared because people will gossip about him, or because he knows that he's not playing fairly. I am definitely not going to let the group devolve into petty squabble and name-calling. I'd much rather close the group than let this thing happen. What does it have to do with spirituality? Hmm, it triggers me because my life is, in fact, boring. Especially when looked upon from the perspective of everyday repetitive routine. I am pretty sure that I can become bored by anything, so I don't think that it is really a valid measure of my spiritual practice. I learned to be indifferent to boredom. When I'm bored, I remember the times when I went over the top and take pleasure in it. Just like I enjoy being stupid again, or praise the fact that I will die some day. That is stoicism 101. EDIT: That's humble bragging 101.

So, why does it trigger my ego? Well, who the hell are you to judge me by your standard of delusion, mister? I am definitely not going to trust society with establishing what delusion is, so it's you versus me with no arbiters. If I am truly deluded, then wouldn't you seem deluded from my perspective? If that is the case, then how do you know that it is in fact me, who is deluded and not you? Because you trust your inner sense of truth? Because you meditated your ego out of existence? Don't give me that bullshit, I know you're just a scared little animal that wants to survive. Oh, because what, you are a personal development teacher that wants to threaten my ego? Oh yes, my ego feels triggered as fuck, good job with that. Your mere sight via TV screen triggers me, how loving you've become! Soon, you're gonna be stoned to death like a proper saint by pedestrians on the street, that's how pure you are! Rotten society can't stand you, they will poison you like Osho, or something. So, now that I established that I'm deluded to the point of being triggered by my own imagination, what did I learn? It seems like I am a spiritual ego that is attached to my commitment to honesty and truth. Do I think that I am somehow better than a 'regular' person? Hmm, calling people regular compared to me, really does seem like I'm putting myself on a pedestal. Why do I care so much about being recognized if I committed to being nobody? Do I do this for myself, or do I do this for other people? Until recently I thought that by becoming a useless teapot, I reject society's influence on me and develop myself to the point that people can't help to need me. That's a first-class delusion of a spiritual ego. Now that I experienced some suffering and opened up to vulnerability I suddenly feel inferior and play the game of a gentle puppy. That's just another survival strategy, but in order to find balance, I need to explore it and understand its insanity. The strangest thing is that I really do feel that I need people and I do not pretend to be vulnerable. This very journal is the place where I rip myself open publicly, so that people know what kind of crazy person they deal with. Is this some form of masochism? There is this strange feeling of a fresh wound that feels, hmm, pleasurable - or at least authentic, alive. Well, as useless as I am - I still need other people. At least this knowledge gives me different grounds for functioning in society. Now, I develop myself for two purposes: So that people can't help but need me Because I understand how useless I am and I need others to take care of me That's a paradox where from one point of view I am this perfect crystal statue of usefulness and from the other, a vulnerable being made of flesh and bones. Can I balance this delusion without being ridiculous? I guess there's only one way of finding out.

@Leo Gura You know Leo, it's not like it's clear what you mean when you say: Isn't that knowledge if I cling to it? Can I fake it until I make it? Or should I rather suffer for my ignorance mindfully until I get how stupid and misguided I am? You make it sound so simple that it makes me think that you're so far out there that you forgot how it's like to be us, miserable devils.

@PetarKa My responses may seem like I'm mocking you, but I assure you that I'm not. You can't be sure of anything and the truth is that you do not need to be intellectually certain of anything in order function. Realizing the truth does not introduce anything new. Truth have always been this way and you simply weren't aware of it. Now that you are, why the mental hiccups? Alternatively - think of it this way: your lack of certainty does not stop you from doubting yourself. Are you certain that it is appropriate to be uncertain about your epistemology? Does it stop you from doubting? Maybe it is the case that you are not deliberately choosing to doubt based on your conscious knowledge? Maybe you don't notice the underlying mechanics of what is happening? I know this feeling. When I was in your shoes, I simply stopped asking questions until I sorted my stuff out by myself. My advice is: talk to people to understand yourself instead of understanding them. They all are projections of your own psyche, right? We, egoic humans, always know how it all ends. We are all going to die sooner or later. We were born ignorant and stay ignorant. The only knowledge we accumulate is self-deception. The only certainty there is can be acquired by choosing to not question any further. The only people that are sane are the ones you do not know. We are all insane, some of us want to be as insane as everybody else, and some simply want to do it their own, individual way. Your life will get on with you. You are an insignificant speck of the giant machine you call 'my body'. Have a good day!

I keep wondering who even reads this journal. I see the view count of the thread increasing, but the amount of people that I come to contact with does not explain it. If, by any chance, you follow my journal and want to say hi - you're very welcome to do so now.

While I have been thinking that during the trip, upon reflecting on it - it is just a belief. What is much more truthful is that discursive, structured thoughts expressed through language are waves in the ocean of the subconscious mind. In the everyday life, I am just too stupid to notice the depths of what is happening and thoughts are just the thing that is the most easily seen. I am so glad that I'm back to being stupid and I'm so thankful that I learned to appreciate it.

Which preexisting beliefs/thoughts were confirmed by the trip? The mind is composed of [flaps/triggers/clicks] that either go on/off, good/bad, friend/foe, etc. Some of the flaps are hard to flip and momentum of everyday psyche is not enough to push them. The flavor of bodily energy I that I ordinarily call 'emotion' is the experience of a flap being pushed on. Freedom/agility of the mind is determined by the amount of loose flaps. It is how intelligence and ego are connected. Ego is blindness. It is the mechanism that glues flaps to their positions. I do not understand the reason why a position of a flap is chosen to 'stick'. I can't believe that it's random. Is it a past trauma? Trauma being change that is too sudden for the animal to bear.

During this video, my Ego got triggered by the suggestion that I am: reinforcing my preexisting beliefs, venturing deeper into delusion, using spirituality to escape my boring everyday life.

The hanged man from your description @Zigzag Idiot seems a lot like a shaman. I still have a very long way to go to get there, but I recently found a new appreciation of ordinary people and my subconscious mind that ties these aspects of shamanism. I was always wondering why a shaman needs people he cares for and I knew that it had to go beyond basic self-interest and employment. To see reality for what it is, I need to release the grip of my everyday life and venture into what common people call insanity. It's so easy to get my ego involved in all of this. It's so easy to make a mistake and not be able to find a way back. If ordinary people knew what I know, they wouldn't be able to prevent me from going too far. They would cheer for me. I need them to ground myself and have a reason to return to my ordinary life. They are stupid and they do not understand neither what, nor why, but I need to respect them for it and hope that I can bring something of value back to their lives so I'm worthwhile to keep taking care of. After my trip I'm much more in touch with my animal nature and I recently understood that I perceived the world through the lens of my subconscious mind. If I do not have an anchor strong enough to convince the animal that we will return - It will fight for its own survival. I am thankful for it. It is a powerful anchor and I relied on it during my last trip. Taking care of my body and everything else is the most important thing I can do when I'm back to being stupid. Now that I think about it, it does not go beyond basic self-interest at all. It goes beyond employment though, but not necessarily.

I actually had a vision of this way of being I experienced on LSD. It was during my previous mystical experience when I unraveled my senses. It was just a few glimpses, but it made a very strong impression on me. I wondered how can one live like that. I understood back then that it has to be possible, but it overwhelmed me very quickly when I experienced it. Today I noticed that everyday acts of aggression in the animal kingdom of men don't bother me as much. When I had a rough time and couldn't handle it, I escalated my pleas of help until they were met. If my mother wouldn't soothe me, I would escalate it to the hospital. If that didn't help, I would escalate further. Aggression is a plea of help that is escalated far enough that it is answered by mother nature itself. It's a shame that I don't usually recognize it for what it is. That is the very reason why people become aggressive out of habit - they had to become sharp out of neglect. I am preoccupied with getting my own needs met and I don't notice the pleas when they are still subtle. I can only see them when they are threatening to me and it is too late to meet them appropriately. This is why life seems like a struggle. I am actually impressed with the hanged man card @now is forever. It depicts my situation very accurately. How did you learn tarot? Did you just start to use it one day until it became tangible, or did you have a teacher? The old trees were frightening because I found a new appreciation of time. 16 hours of time within time taught me that 200 years can be a lot longer than I can imagine. I am actually glad to be stupid enough to not notice time slipping through my fingers. I am so glad that I will die one day.

@now is forever Can I help you with any matter that concerns you?

No, I'm not taking it bad and you can show your wounds. You're okay. It's just that It feels like I already said too much and it tries to frame it into something positive or negative. I'm repulsed by this feeling and I prefer to stay quiet for now. I'd rather be kind to people and talk about your wounds. I spent the past two days caring about myself, my wife and everything I see. I started caring about my face, I asked my wife to have me appointed to the dentist. I went to have manicure (I bite my fingernails a lot because I don't like how they look). I went to the car wash and took care of my car that I neglected for so long. I bought myself a comfortable pillow today. I had a long walk in the forest and exchanged some energy with my favorite tree. Some trees were so old that their presence frightened me. I felt immense respect for them and I didn't have the courage to touch them. Huh, still talking about myself. I even cried a bit, and here I thought I was okay. Sigh, I do feel violated and the strangest thing is that I liked it.

@now is forever I guess that's why I look up to you.

@now is forever @Zigzag Idiot My ego was unraveled to such a degree that I was reduced to a sobbing infant crying for help. My ordinary consciousness is constricted/constructed by things that are more or less unthinkable. I reject parts of myself that I feel are too uncomfortable to witness. Yesterday, I saw everything, as every nook and cranny of my existence was forced open to bleed. What bled out was pure energy, ecstasy, understanding and love. And it was too much. I was working with energy for the past few months and I was able to induce this movement without LSD. I usually am able to induce it in my head, chest and hips. Sometimes fill my whole body with it, but it's a rare event. With the drug however, all floodgates were forced open, full throttle, for 12-16 hours. Every inch of my body was filled with it and I couldn't take it. I was acutely aware of the fragility of the body, I saw it to be a formless blob of soft skin with a few even softer spots such as eyes and tongue. I noticed how badly I treat my body, how badly it treats itself. I was aware of the constant struggle to survive of every part of it, especially the constant struggle to not bite my soft tongue with my hard teeth. As I was eating, it became absurdly apparent that to even feed myself, I have to point a sharp fork towards my face. Speaking of my face, I had a good look on it and I understood how underdeveloped it is as a body part. I can move my hands, but my face is like a stone mask. Well, I gave it a good stretch, I tried every muscle and every expression. It became nothing special, just another part of the formless, soft blob of my body. Again, my eyes fascinated me, as I saw them to be so soft and fragile, almost liquid-like. I understood that I could have easily plucked them out with my fingers and I was terrified of the irreversibility of this act. At the same time however I knew that these eyes are not mine and I simply would become something else. This irreversibly was a big theme of the trip, I unraveled my mind to such a degree that I had to ground myself in my body and pray to it so that it would undo what the mind did to itself. I acutely understood that I could have as easily unraveled my body with LSD, but I was afraid to leave. I did not know where would it take me. I knew that I would re-form as something else eventually, but I could not let go of my wife. The thought of my wife, my marriage, my wedding ring was the nook of my mind I refused to open and explore. At the same time I knew that I was incapable of doing anything, that my curiosity had led me too far to keep the illusion of an actor. I knew that the only thing to do is to be. That all there is, is just pure being, without any sort of destination, that this curiosity that poured through every inch of my body was all that there was. It felt as if my whole body became a giant eye that was composed of infinitely many small eyes that wanted to know. At the same time, it had the answer. The answer was not knowledge, as knowledge was just another closed wound to unravel. The answer was a feeling of satiation, like when you quench your thirst. I experienced this feeling of satiation for 12 hours and it was unbearable. It was like taking a starving person, strapping it to bed and feeding it past its limit. All I could do is to be until the body twists the mind back to a shape that could function. I was thankful that I could become stupid again, I was thankful that I can not know and I was thankful that it would finally end. Everything always finally ends and I was even thankful that I would physically die at some point and become something else because I understood my insanity which is rooted in unchecked curiosity. Speaking of my insanity, I became aware of how this force affects my relationships. Why I people are afraid of me, what kind of monster I had become. My friend was my tripsitter. We know each other since kindergarden and I started to unravel him as well. I was unable to lie, to pretend. I told him that I call him my friend only because I can see myself as a success compared to him. That he is a 30 years old fat neckbeard that lives with his mother. I immediately understood that the fact that I told the truth did not matter one bit and that is how I hurt people. That is why they are rightly afraid of me. Because I refuse to look away from my own wounds and I treat others the way I treat myself. I hurt them to make them feel good, and the driving force is my curiosity. I'm like a kid with a magnifying glass. I understood that he was not my friend at all. I tried to drive him away, but he stayed and I understood that he simply does not have a choice, that he is driven by the same force as I am and this is exactly why he was my friend. That we are stuck together and that to make friends is to need them, to show them how vulnerable you are, so that they cannot refuse. To show them the infant within me and cry. I called my mom and just said: come to me, while crying. She did. She did not judge me, she was even curious and when she saw how emotional I was, she wanted some too, but I couldn't let her. I had to protect her form her own curiosity. I understood that there are stones that should be left unturned and this is how friends are made. I have said multiple times that I have to protect my wife from curiosity and that 'a purpose of a wife is to fuck off from her'. When I cried out for help, the rest of the trip was much better once I could hug a soft woman's body. First, my mother, and then my wife, after she came back from her trip to her mother. When she came back, she sat with me and we had a few hours of hugging and conversations. I was so vulnerable that I felt like a raw steak being beaten with a hammer. I tried to go to sleep 13-14 hours into the trip, but the night's rest was very difficult for both of us. Today I feel empty and glad to just be. I started the day by taking care of my body and being gentle with my wife. There is one last thing that is worth noting about the trip, which is how I perceived time. It was like it became two-dimensional. It was like on top of normal, linear, time was another time. That each now had its own timeline. Time within time. Each second felt like eternity. Each hour like another life. Each song on the playlist like a whole separate reality and all of them filled with terrifying love. I became a bigger facet of absolute infinity and I couldn't take it.