tsuki

My god, who would have thought that stabbing my heart open would feel this amazing. I woke up with a feeling of immense beauty inside of my chest. I was moved, like when watching a beautiful movie. When I get this feeling, I sometimes cry, but this time it was just it - silent beauty. Later that day I had a fight with a coworker that promised to prepare something for me, but did not do the most important part. At the time, I reacted in such a way because it would put me in an uncomfortable position when I was expected to do my part with a tight deadline. Now, I had to do his work in addition to mine. I inquired into why this person annoys me so much and I ended up with my unfulfilled ambition. It has something to do with my father and I'll have to explore it sometime. The coworker is just a kid that's scared as hell. Later that day we had a conversation and I taught him something. I get annoyed easily when people I teach are slow to learn. It may be resentment because I always had to teach myself everything. After that, I started breathing deeply into my heart and my whole body is filled with bliss. I feel high, but alert. I finished my job without any problems.

Oh, and I still fucking love her.

Chasing shadows out of our home is a grueling work. thankfully, this time we both did it intentionally. The results were very unsettling and I'm not sure whether I should post them here. It sounded similarly to bickering, but I was pressing on with a clear mind without judgement. The truth about jealousy was difficult, but what was even worse is how it fits with my own wounds masquerading as love. The strangest thing is that these things cannot be fixed, undone. The thing that comes the closest is kintsugi. What we call infatuation is just unexplainable familiarity of a stranger. Marriage is the pressure that keeps partners together so that they learn their own shadow and mend their wounds.

So many insights, so little time to write. When it comes to chakras - focusing my awareness on each of them changes my thought patterns and behaviors. Each of them also feels differently. For example, Heart feels like an open wound. Tender, vulnerable. It's similar to the tightness of the chest when I cry, but the body does not tremble. My interpretations change when I'm in heart mode: my face looks differently in the mirror. It reminds me of how I perceived myself during the trip - a squishy potato. It does not even concern me that much, I like it! This vulnerability gets my mind confused because I associate it with crying and it was always something unpleasant. The truth is that it is not unpleasant, but overwhelming. It's like being a small, wounded, animal at the mercy of the world. What's strange is that people seem to pick this up subliminally and they are actually nice to me. It may be why I can see shadows so clearly. Muldahara on the other hand is just raw survival power. The first thing that I thought when red is that I can just shift my chackras to control my behavior. That it's a straight path to turquoise lol. There is still a big gap between the heart and sacral chakra. Having read something I suspect to find the solar plexus chakra there.

@now is forever Shh, no bickering. I didn't read your post carefully enough, my mind hanged up at the part where you called her tougher than me. I needlessly took that as an offence to my masculinity. Thank you and sorry.

@now is forever Nah-ah. You don't get to teach me about protecting love after posting here about orgasms. Not after I said that my wife gets jealous easily. I appreciate the rest of your post though. Hmm, or maybe you do get to teach me after all. I'm so dense.

My wife's dowry was a sizable library of fine books that I never read (except for philosophy). Yesterday I randomly picked Milan Kundera's "The Unbearable lightness of being" during our conversation and it sucked me right in. It made realize a lot of things and the least painful of which was that I want my wife to be all the women I will never have. Me being me, I did not turn away from that thought and I told her. Needless to say, she wasn't pleased, but she knew that it was true. My cousin with his fiancee came later that day and invited us to their wedding. It distracted us for a while, but I couldn't help but notice how badly my wife is fidgeting. I didn't make the connection at the time. Earlier that day I cried out of happiness when I remembered our wedding and the photo session by the fountain. It didn't stop me from mercifully crushing my cousin's unexpressed expectations. Later that night I started inquiring into why she's jealous about other women and why. Why she responds with such passionate anger. My mind scares me. Let's just say that there is a subtle difference between a scalpel and a dagger and it's lost on me. Looking back - I knew the exact sequence of buttons and this time I understood when she lashed out. I caused her pain and she didn't see why. I know that it's because she learned to look away from this place. Unsurprisingly, there are men she finds more attractive than me, but she refuses to acknowledge it. Marital sex can't compete with the freshness of stranger that is mostly constructed by projections. If it is to keep occurring, it has to be about something else that we're still learning. I still remember how it's like to be broken open and being right did not stop the remorse. I had a difficult night. Surprisingly, albeit being hurt, she felt closer. I felt that as well and for the first time, I noticed my heart chakra to be open by itself. As I'm writing this at work I've been breathing into it for the whole day with watery eyes.

@Tony 845 You will not get read of fear by fearing it. It's like trying to escape from escaping.

Yeah, no. Suppressing my anger was a bad idea. I was just sexually frustrated, it's not the mind's fault - it was doing its job. It's strange how sexual drive is wired differently in men and women. When I'm horny and I can't relieve it, I get agitated. If I try to contain it, the shell gets constructed, but the animal is always looking through the cracks. It doesn't matter that I'm doing my best to just be nice. It doesn't matter that I tell myself that I can handle it. I always snap in the end. My wife on the other hand constructs her shell to protect herself from customers at work. She's unaware of her body. I can get her physically aroused quickly, but the mind just won't have it. That is, until the body cracks the shell open and releases all of the emotions at once. Of course, the mind being a mind - it won't acknowledge the fact that it is subject to body, but she slowly starts to get it. Not that it helps the tantrums though. I am not infallible. I get angry. I get sad. Sometimes, I snap. Every blade is double-edged. Being emotionally aware is great - only as long as you're not trying to control your emotions. The body rules the mind. The mind has a bit to say in the matter, but building dams to contain tsunami is not going to work. The mind is a subtle, magnificent tool. It's like a dial indicator. It gives precision, not force. I can't mistake it for a hammer because I will get disappointed that it's not doing its job. Funnily enough - some of my inner dialogs with my manager use this metaphor to teach him delicacy with people. I could use my own advice sometimes.

The mind has been giving me a lot of shit today. It just wont surrender. It's been almost two weeks since my first trip and my old friend anger has been showing up since Tuesday. If I'm mindful, I can extinguish it with energy very rapidly, but it comes back from time to time. It's about my manager. Thankfully, I haven't learned to express my outbursts externally, it would be a lot of hassle to forget them now. I became aware of the fact that the mind is just a glorified echo chamber. Very few thoughts are actually original, especially with idle chatter that goes on when I'm not paying attention. I suspect that body is very similar in this regard - it just repeats patterns that have been formed out of ignorance. I'm struggling now with my sexual drive because I just had a haircut and my imagination is running wild. Relieving myself does not solve the problem because it just reinforces the pattern. I want it gone. I'm working alternative shifts now to better overlap with my wife's schedule and it messes up my commitments. I'm back to drinking coffee in the morning (2x) and I'm overeating when I'm back from work. There are so many things that are critically important to improve that I feel like I'm trying to be perfect. What else is there to do when I'm home alone for the whole day?

When it comes to marketing minimalism itself - look for Matt D'avella on youtube. He has made a movie about minimalists that may inspire you. There seems to be a small market for this stuff, I'm not sure whether it is still picking traction, or is it dying off. You will have to look into it yourself. In a sense - it's a paradoxical market because you are educating people to not need you. It resembles spirituality a lot. If you look for people that are driven by minimalist aesthetics - Steve Jobbs comes to mind. I haven't read his biography, but my wife has and she confirms. I was never too invested in following other people's lives so I can't be of much help here. I don't even know what I'm missing out on in this regard. Good luck!

@NoSelfSelf In order to see your ignorance first-hand, you need to suffer and self-reflect. Don't try to be smarter than yourself, you're not. Accept that you're orange and act like it, even if your pride does not allow it. Like @Michael569 said, there are no shortcuts to growth.

Because unless you actually try to grasp god with language, you are buying into a belief that it's impossible. Some people (me included) are just stupid and need to chase their own tail until they have no strength left.

@Wisebaxter That is right. Can you really know if she exists? Does it really stop you from interacting with her? What does it say about the relationship between your intellect and what happens around you? Is your intellect really in control if you can do something with things you have solid idea about? The sense of separate self is grounded in distinctions that are not grounded in anything. You have learned to associate the extents of your 'physical' existence to your skin, but if you actually study your direct experience, then you will know that your distinctions make reality tangible. If you were raised in the Amazon jungle, would a monitor be a monitor? If you were a ferret, would a monitor be a monitor? What is meant when somebody says that you are all there is, is simply that how you define you is arbitrary. Study it and see how reality changes in response. It's not 'just an illusion'. Illusion is all there is. You are disappointed in it because you're still buying it and expecting to gain anything by gambling your life on it. If you truly get it, then all there is is just enjoying the ride. There is no reason to change and fight it.

Even if Aztecs had advanced metaphysical understanding of reality, their egos were much less developed than today's. What sacrifice and non-attachment means for green people is much different from blue/red/purple.

I noticed that I cling to the idea of reincarnation and I use it to justify my pursuit of wisdom. Buddhists believe* that only wisdom is transferred upon death because memory and personality are tied to the brain that is physical. Since they define wisdom very loosely (duh), I was skeptical of it, but it stuck with me nonetheless. What gave me peace is the realization of what is wisdom. Of course, Buddhists say it clearly - it is the realization of no self. One gets to reincarnate by being nobody - exactly like every nobody before and after him. So, that's exactly the opposite of what Ego wants - it has to leave, so that past sages get to have their seat.

@Knock I'm a minimalist myself and here's my line of reasoning that I find to be authentic: If you really needed money, life would press you to make it. Since you can choose to not pursue it, then it probably means that you shouldn't. It will not relieve your suffering because the meaning it provides is not sustainable. You will fail to make more money at some point, so why invest so much of life in it? If you want to learn to do business because it serves your long term strategic goals, then by all means - go ahead, but treat it as a learning experience and not an earning opportunity. When it comes to products - it is really difficult to make a good one and your minimalist sense is not an obstacle, but an aid. If you have worked on your aesthetic* sense for a long time, creating a product you would need yourself can be a good standard for what you create. It may be the case that you are at the point in which there are very few things you truly need, so it may be wise to market minimalism itself? It seems like it provided a lot of value to you. * by aesthetic, I mean this in general sense - there are things that are beautiful by their sheer usefulness and not their visual style.

@aespinosa Truth is not an object of knowledge. The closest you can get with the mind is not-knowing, which is the gateway to being (truth).

This is such a profound video. Very foundational for me. I finally groked so many important things about nonduality and how it ties to shamanism. Leo, I salute you! I'll have to re-watch sometime in the future and read the article.

@Gog You know, I know that you're into me, and I dig your style too, but we need a way to communicate.

@now is forever That is how my spiritual ego mocks me. I am still curious though. I just remembered how I used to hate dentists because my mother would insist on that I shouldn't use anesthesia. I think she was afraid of needles because she often said that the injection hurts more than the procedure itself. I even remember playing frozen with fear at the dentist one time when I was like 11. It didn't work.

@now is forever I heard that Peter Ralston had root canal treatment without anesthesia. I'm not sure if I'm curious enough to do it this way though (thankfully, I just have some cavities).

Yesterday I did the minimum amount of work required to satisfy my work ethic and didn't want to push myself to do anything beyond that. I sat with my boredom and observed it. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and something about its relation power is being formed in my intuition, but it's not ripe enough yet to post it. Anyways - due to my boredom - my attention was refocused on energy and I started to work on moving it towards my lowest center. I noticed that if I move enough energy so that it passes a certain threshold - it sticks there for a long time. It's very unlike my highest center which is quick to respond and deplete. The middle center seems to be responsive only if the other two are active. Conceptually - it seems the lower and higher center have different momentum associated with them. One is like a fireplace that burns for a long time, but requires effort to start, and the other is like a gas furnace that goes on and off. I don't have much experience with my heart, unfortunately. I had a dentist appointment today along with teeth decalcification. The checkup was a little awkward because the dentist was uneasy with my presence. Both his assistant and the receptionist had wonderful facade of niceness, but it was too consistently cheerful to be genuine. This fact did not bother me much and I kept my focus on relaxing my animal. The questionnaire had a funny twist because it asked if I do any narcotics and I did not know whether LSD interacted with their anesthesia, so I wrote the truth. I wonder if it had anything to do with their uneasiness. They ignored it masterfully. Before the decalcification I had some time to myself, so I decided to play with my energy and start the lower center. After 10-15 minutes the lady came and greeted me with a stiff handshake and facade of niceness that was much more forced than the other two's. She gradually started to open and be genuine, which surprised me a lot. The procedure itself was very interesting, as I watched my animal squirm on the table in anticipation of pain. I kept reminding myself that pain is a sudden energetic movement that is externally caused and did body scans with deep breathing. Various parts tensed up during my absent-mindedness, but it ended with me being totally at ease despite the pain. I'm tempted to have my cavities filled Ralston style, but my spiritual ego tells me that I should leave my ego out of it. The important thing is whether the hygienist's openness was 'caused' by my energy in the lower center. Causation is a tricky word here because I may have opened myself with this movement and she opened in response. However, the law of attraction makes this distinction obsolete, so I'm not going to dwell on it. When I was leaving the receptionist also seemed much more genuine, I wonder whether it worked on her as well, or she was just glad that I was leaving.

@Zigzag Idiot That's a great resource, I read all of it. Thank you. How do you think Remorse is related to deliberate self-criticism (honest observation)? Is there a name in Gurdjieff's teaching that refers to the feeling of resignation when one becomes deeply conscious of his inadequacy and is content in just being?