tsuki

This is how my mind feels like today:

@now is forever You know, I'm flattered by your presence and attention, but I can clearly see the you are trying to defend my mother. There is no oppressor here. These memories are not personal and I do not bear resentment towards my mother. She is not evil, but hurt. I do not know the exact circumstances of her suffering, but I know that her brother used to bully her and she was always at odds with her male peers since early childhood. Her father was a high ranking officer of MO, probably lowkey alcoholic, and I heard that there was violence between him and his wife. I'm not sure of severity of it though. I also know that a catholic priest attempted to molest my mother. I'm not surprised at all that she ended up in the police herself, chasing sexual offenders. She had quite a career. Hmm, I'm starting to feel a little bit disgusted by how banal this become. It feels like a low budget polish reality-like movie of drunkards, abusers and sex. I'm sure that I don't know 99% of the story, so it's not like I'm condoning or condemning anybody. Life simply happens to people and expecting them to understand it is too much in most cases. This is why I don't treat it personally. Chaos is not random. It's just structured beyond our comprehension and it's precisely what's terrifying.

@PetarKa For most people, helping others is a way to defend their self-image, or their self-righteous view of 'how the world should be'. This mode of helping is actually a hidden plea for help that the helper is not able to express explicitly. To actually meet another person where he/she is, requires enormous sensitivity and maturity that most people lack. It has to come from a place of abundance - simply because there is nothing better to do.

@kodanope I tripped once and it was a very challenging experience. Since I have no reference point, I wouldn't necessarily call it a bad trip, but I can imagine that it could leave some people deeply scarred. The benefit is that it taught me the experience of deep, infant-like vulnerability, which was lost somewhere during my life as a man. It allowed me to work on my sensitivity on a whole different level and I see a very rapid growth in my relationships and general attitude towards life. Not to mention the increase in baseline consciousness that I see accelerating for almost a month. Even if you have a bad trip, it is a valuable experience because it shows you the areas you neglected or repressed. In my opinion, tripping should be challenging and you should respect the substance. At the very least so that it does not become an escape from your problems.

Today I went to see my parents to chat and drink some coffee like every week. I used to have a cat, but my wife is allergic to them and they are his keeper since our wedding. They also have a female cat and they don't really get along too well. He's unsure of his position and tries to dominate the other cat by periodically hunting her. They aren't exactly fighting full-force, just a pat or two with him leaving with his nose scratched. This repeats every day, 3-4 times. Of course, my mother defends the female cat, having no sympathy for the male. That's because she's just a poor little female that's scared. That doesn't stop her however from scaring the male when he's sneaking to hunt her, or even throwing a slipper at him. Isn't he just a poor little male that's scared of a new place and a cat that bullied him when he was little? They have a reverse history of her hunting him and guess what? Strangely enough - my mother didn't mind that in the past. He's always been a laughingstock for her for not being able to stand up for himself. Now on the other hand, he's being ridiculed for not learning the lesson that he's going to lose every fight. It doesn't convince her when I'm saying that she's just perpetuating the victim-oppressor cycle by scaring him and hugging her. They have to set their hierarchy straight by themselves, or she has to change the environment so that both cats feel safe. I can't help but project the family dynamic that was going on between me and my sister. Thankfully, I came to my senses and she seems to have forgiven me.

Here's another one that came up after I was moved when posting the previous one: It was late evening. We were after a (verbal) fight. I wanted to get back at my parents. They were sitting by the table in the living room, I went to the kitchen and took a long knife. I went back the the corridor and stood with my side facing towards them. I called them and when they turned towards me I pretended to stick the knife through my chest. Of course, it went under my armpit like in a cartoon. My mother disarmed me very quickly. I remember that she cried. This one was particularly difficult to share/shed because I had a lot of shame associated with it. I was a young teenager at the time. Probably 10-13. What's strange is that I actually thought for a very long time that I was blessed with a very good childhood. I think that during the first memory (with the rotary swing), the thing that was born was my ability to power through emotions by disowning them.

Here's another traumatic one featuring women: My grandmother was looking over me during my mother's absence. I had an attitude that day and didn't respect her. I don't remember the particular time when she actually hit me, but I remember telling her that: she has no right to hit me because she's not my mother. I remember that it shocked her (my grandmother was a sassy woman, things just didn't shock her). Later that day she talked to my mother and they both came to me and my mother said: I, as your mother, give the right to hit you to your grandmother. They were both laughing. I brushed that off at the time. Just recently came to me why was my grandmother so shocked. That's because a kid thought that his mother had the right to hit him.

The over-arching themes of my memories are about power, responsibility, denial and hurting innocence. All of them feature women as: a victim, an oppressor and a responsible, but incompetent person. The first memory is about using power for personal gains and hurting innocent people. I wanted to impress my childhood friend and gain her favor and it ended up in a catastrophe. The second memory is about being punished for wanting to play. Being in the company of other people and ignoring warning signs of approaching disaster. The third memory is about taking responsibility for other people. Using power for my own amusement and hurting innocent person that was under somebody else's care. All of these tropes fit very well to my various relationships.

There are two other childhood memories that keep returning to me. I was playing with kids outside. We lived at the 10th floor and my mother called me out of the window. She kept calling me, but I kept ignoring it. We went to play to the school grounds and I didn't hear her anymore. When I came back, she was angry. It was the only time I was hit with a belt. One hit for each call that I ignored. The second memory takes place on the same playground but at a different time. It was a holiday and I remember the weather to be 'golden' like this: I was playing with a swing again, and there was a mother and a child nearby. The child was so young that it was struggling to walk. I was standing beside the swing and swinging it while it was empty. The kid was curious and wanted to see what I was doing. The mother was busy. I saw the kid as it approached and kept swinging the swing. The child did not stop and it wandered straight into its path. Again, it was hit in the back of his head. Guess what I did? I ran away and denied the reality of this situation.

The childhood memory that involves a little girl happened when I was around 10. During holidays I used to leave with my parents to a small town near my home where we would borrow a summer house from my uncle. This town had a lake with a beach and I had a female childhood friend that lived next door. One day, her relative came by and she hanged out with her. She was much younger than both of us - the little girl. I remember that didn't like her that much for some reason. I think that she had an attitude and tried to boss us around. I'm not sure. I remember that she had blonde curly hair and looked very innocently. The three of us went to a playground nearby and played with a rotary swing like this: The little girl sat in one of the seats and I started pushing. I wanted to impress my childhood friend, so I gave my best. The little girl protested, but I didn't listen. I always thought that she fell off, but now that I think of it - she may have wanted to get off on her own. She fell out/got out and the next seat hit her hard in the back of her head. I ran away and left the two on their own. I just denied the realness of what I did. I think that something may have been born that day. I met that girl several years later and she tried to blackmail me into submission. She threatened that would tell my mother what happened if I didn't do what she said. By that time I knew to not negotiate with terrorists, so I just said: go ahead. She went ahead and my mother was very upset. The girl had major health problems because of that accident, but I never inquired into that. Now seems like a good opportunity.

@now is forever No, she definitely slipped through. From my point of view, she definitely knew about me and that the alarm was off. She was just masterfully pretending to be innocent. The key to this dream is the ambiguity of whether she was really the witch or not. It plays into vulnerability that I'm learning recently. A little girl is a symbol of it.

Beautiful sky greeted me today. I also had an important dream, but I don't have enough time to dissect it properly, so I'll just post it. There was a witch masquerading as a little girl. She had seduced me before. I was a watchman in a military base, standing in the middle, atop of a watchtower. I was appointed to look out for danger and I saw her talking to other men. She was sitting on a sunbed by the pool in a two-piece swimsuit and I saw her through a glass ceiling. I raised the alarm, red lights and sirens turned on. The guards did not know how she looked like, so they drew everyone's blood and tested it. I was pointing my finger at her and yelling, but they couldn't hear me. She kept talking to men ignoring the alarm and I knew that she was looking at me with her cold eyes. She let her blood be drawn calmly and the test was negative, so the guards missed her. As the guards were passing by her, she gave me one last mocking* look and the dream ended. Note to self: a strong connection to a traumatic childhood memory. * - I read it as if she mocked me, but she may have simply been looking.

My god, who would have thought that stabbing my heart open would feel this amazing. I woke up with a feeling of immense beauty inside of my chest. I was moved, like when watching a beautiful movie. When I get this feeling, I sometimes cry, but this time it was just it - silent beauty. Later that day I had a fight with a coworker that promised to prepare something for me, but did not do the most important part. At the time, I reacted in such a way because it would put me in an uncomfortable position when I was expected to do my part with a tight deadline. Now, I had to do his work in addition to mine. I inquired into why this person annoys me so much and I ended up with my unfulfilled ambition. It has something to do with my father and I'll have to explore it sometime. The coworker is just a kid that's scared as hell. Later that day we had a conversation and I taught him something. I get annoyed easily when people I teach are slow to learn. It may be resentment because I always had to teach myself everything. After that, I started breathing deeply into my heart and my whole body is filled with bliss. I feel high, but alert. I finished my job without any problems.

Oh, and I still fucking love her.

Chasing shadows out of our home is a grueling work. thankfully, this time we both did it intentionally. The results were very unsettling and I'm not sure whether I should post them here. It sounded similarly to bickering, but I was pressing on with a clear mind without judgement. The truth about jealousy was difficult, but what was even worse is how it fits with my own wounds masquerading as love. The strangest thing is that these things cannot be fixed, undone. The thing that comes the closest is kintsugi. What we call infatuation is just unexplainable familiarity of a stranger. Marriage is the pressure that keeps partners together so that they learn their own shadow and mend their wounds.

So many insights, so little time to write. When it comes to chakras - focusing my awareness on each of them changes my thought patterns and behaviors. Each of them also feels differently. For example, Heart feels like an open wound. Tender, vulnerable. It's similar to the tightness of the chest when I cry, but the body does not tremble. My interpretations change when I'm in heart mode: my face looks differently in the mirror. It reminds me of how I perceived myself during the trip - a squishy potato. It does not even concern me that much, I like it! This vulnerability gets my mind confused because I associate it with crying and it was always something unpleasant. The truth is that it is not unpleasant, but overwhelming. It's like being a small, wounded, animal at the mercy of the world. What's strange is that people seem to pick this up subliminally and they are actually nice to me. It may be why I can see shadows so clearly. Muldahara on the other hand is just raw survival power. The first thing that I thought when red is that I can just shift my chackras to control my behavior. That it's a straight path to turquoise lol. There is still a big gap between the heart and sacral chakra. Having read something I suspect to find the solar plexus chakra there.

@now is forever Shh, no bickering. I didn't read your post carefully enough, my mind hanged up at the part where you called her tougher than me. I needlessly took that as an offence to my masculinity. Thank you and sorry.

@now is forever Nah-ah. You don't get to teach me about protecting love after posting here about orgasms. Not after I said that my wife gets jealous easily. I appreciate the rest of your post though. Hmm, or maybe you do get to teach me after all. I'm so dense.

My wife's dowry was a sizable library of fine books that I never read (except for philosophy). Yesterday I randomly picked Milan Kundera's "The Unbearable lightness of being" during our conversation and it sucked me right in. It made realize a lot of things and the least painful of which was that I want my wife to be all the women I will never have. Me being me, I did not turn away from that thought and I told her. Needless to say, she wasn't pleased, but she knew that it was true. My cousin with his fiancee came later that day and invited us to their wedding. It distracted us for a while, but I couldn't help but notice how badly my wife is fidgeting. I didn't make the connection at the time. Earlier that day I cried out of happiness when I remembered our wedding and the photo session by the fountain. It didn't stop me from mercifully crushing my cousin's unexpressed expectations. Later that night I started inquiring into why she's jealous about other women and why. Why she responds with such passionate anger. My mind scares me. Let's just say that there is a subtle difference between a scalpel and a dagger and it's lost on me. Looking back - I knew the exact sequence of buttons and this time I understood when she lashed out. I caused her pain and she didn't see why. I know that it's because she learned to look away from this place. Unsurprisingly, there are men she finds more attractive than me, but she refuses to acknowledge it. Marital sex can't compete with the freshness of stranger that is mostly constructed by projections. If it is to keep occurring, it has to be about something else that we're still learning. I still remember how it's like to be broken open and being right did not stop the remorse. I had a difficult night. Surprisingly, albeit being hurt, she felt closer. I felt that as well and for the first time, I noticed my heart chakra to be open by itself. As I'm writing this at work I've been breathing into it for the whole day with watery eyes.

@Tony 845 You will not get read of fear by fearing it. It's like trying to escape from escaping.

Yeah, no. Suppressing my anger was a bad idea. I was just sexually frustrated, it's not the mind's fault - it was doing its job. It's strange how sexual drive is wired differently in men and women. When I'm horny and I can't relieve it, I get agitated. If I try to contain it, the shell gets constructed, but the animal is always looking through the cracks. It doesn't matter that I'm doing my best to just be nice. It doesn't matter that I tell myself that I can handle it. I always snap in the end. My wife on the other hand constructs her shell to protect herself from customers at work. She's unaware of her body. I can get her physically aroused quickly, but the mind just won't have it. That is, until the body cracks the shell open and releases all of the emotions at once. Of course, the mind being a mind - it won't acknowledge the fact that it is subject to body, but she slowly starts to get it. Not that it helps the tantrums though. I am not infallible. I get angry. I get sad. Sometimes, I snap. Every blade is double-edged. Being emotionally aware is great - only as long as you're not trying to control your emotions. The body rules the mind. The mind has a bit to say in the matter, but building dams to contain tsunami is not going to work. The mind is a subtle, magnificent tool. It's like a dial indicator. It gives precision, not force. I can't mistake it for a hammer because I will get disappointed that it's not doing its job. Funnily enough - some of my inner dialogs with my manager use this metaphor to teach him delicacy with people. I could use my own advice sometimes.