tsuki

@How to be wise Please try not to take the title too personally. It's not meant to imply that you're stupid. I took 100ug of LSD about a month ago and yes, the way you perceive the world returns somewhere near the state where you've been before, but you get to see reality through a different perspective. Think of it in terms of throwing a dynamite down the toilet to have something to clean. It gives you a lesson you need to work through and it's nothing I could have come up with on my own. You never know what you'll get, but it's relevant and wisdom stays with you.

@flowboy That sounds like authentic vulnerability. It communicates that you're not uncomfortable with the fact that you are uncomfortable. Notice that nice guys are uncomfortable with the fact that they are uncomfortable, so they hide behind the Nice Guy persona. The macho man communicates: hurt me, and I will end you. The vulnerable man communicates: hurt me, and I will enjoy it. The first one makes the inner animal tense, alert. The second one gives space for mistakes without sounding meek. Notice, that if you truly enjoy the so-called negative feelings, you're much stronger than a man that constructs an image tailored to avoid them. Of course, that doesn't mean that you seek them deliberately (that would be spiritual practice or stupidity), but you're simply at ease with whatever happens. it seems to coincide with your recent insights about women and money. I don't know the general population of women well enough to say that it's a good gaming strategy. I'd expect that women that are conditioned to seek macho men would dismiss vulnerability. I'm not sure whether I would like to be in a relationship with a woman like that though (not judging here). Generally, I think that radical honesty is the way to go in relationships because it attracts people to your true nature that is projected effortlessly.

@How to be wise Don't worry. Nobody treats your experience as inferior because you haven't tried psychedelics. Even if you did try them, they wouldn't 'stain' you. Do they feel like cheating to you?

@Nadosa You seem to have had a huge dis-identification, but you are on the edge of whether you should identify with the mind or not. Look around you, none of that is you. The space in which thoughts arise is not different from the space in which you see. As you are reading this text, there is a voice that spells what I wrote. The sight of the text is not different from the voice. You are thinking right here, on the screen. You are not a thought and thoughts don't seem to like that. There is an emotional turmoil. It will settle down with time. You can start believing thoughts again, or resist this urge. Either way is fine. Let it go and breathe.

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks. I suppose that it may have been an opportunity for me to self-reflect. Upon sleeping on this, I realized that vulnerability is not in opposition to self-image at all. It's not a spectrum, but a synergy. The act of sharing things that are inwardly rejected is how we become vulnerable in the social sphere. Rejection of those things is, after all, based on our self-image, so the ones that have no self-image cannot be vulnerable. So, it's about me after all. Sorry @flowboy for this intermission.

@flowboy Ahem. So, before I say what I want to say - let me first give you some background so that we don't misunderstand each other. I definitely do not have as much dating experience as you do - in fact, I married the first woman that I dated in my adult life. I'm saying this because what I'm about to say may not apply to you at all, so it's not like I'm trying to teach you, or anything. More than that - I haven't even read your whole journal, so I'm not even sure if I understand you correctly. Nevertheless... When it comes to vulnerability with women, I think that it's easily misunderstood, because before we get comfortable around them, we tend to rationalize our meekness with this good guy persona/caricature. It is often held in place via thoughts of being special and emotional (vulnerable). The macho culture correctly teaches to master the masculine in order to spark the chemistry, but it confuses meekness of the good guy with genuine vulnerability. Please, for the sake of your future relationships, don't buy into that mindset. Vulnerability, not image, is what makes people connect. If you want a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship with a woman, you need to learn to be properly feminine as well. Leo has a video about that topic, but I can't seem to find it, so here's a different one if you're interested:

Osho's body may have been addicted prior to enlightenment, or his personality may have had tendencies to indulge in it. Unless he worked on changing that - nothing would change during any of his enlightenments.

@flowboy Don't get discouraged, it's not a guaranteed friendzone. Was vulnerability mutual?

Yes.

@Highest Just let it all out. It's going to settle down after a while.

I have no business in calling myself enlightened. Oh, I know that one! Attention.

(Regarding skipping pickup) The fact that everybody else replies to just skip pickup made me very self-conscious. Yesterday I was feeling especially childish for whatever reason. I'm getting deeper into the Cosmic Oracle and I can't get enough of this book. I opened it randomly and I got the hexagram 34 - 'The use of power'. Apparently, Chaos (a.k.a. Cosmic Order) does not work through power and this is an egoic concept that creates fate. Fate is the interplay between circumstances and personality that reinforces beliefs in a positive feedback loop akin to confirmation bias. I wrote about it in the quoted post. I'm on the fence with respect to sugar-coating of terms in the book. If authors used the terms that the collective ego identifies as threat, it would be more efficient in my opinion, but it would probably be more difficult to publish it. I also don't like how the collective ego seems to be demonized, but I think that it's a conscious choice that is supposed to bring equanimity to the Western world. This way, the book is dependent on Collective Ego's dominance for its survival, but I guess we have a very long way to go to make it obsolete. After all, we have the original I-Ching if we want neutrality. Thank you again @Zigzag Idiot! I really appreciate what you share on the forum. I'm too young and too proud to read so many books. Having insights of my own makes me want to go all the way by myself. Typical Enneagram type 6.

Law is not meant to be a mathematical system that expresses equality and justice. Think of it more like a history record of people that want their interest to be protected. It is based on consensus, not on efficiency. The main reason is just practicality. Cases like these are heartbreaking, but unavoidable for the time being. I suspect that it fell to a intersection of laws that do not mesh together too well. What can be done about it? The best we can do is to pay $14,500, unfortunately.

Well, my view of this thing is that subconscious mind is not something that you are conscious of. It is a theory made by psychologists that observed tons and tons of patients with various problems and connected the dots. These theories were then extrapolated to the whole of humanity and are accepted now as common sense. I'm tempted to say that it is not really possible to work on your subconsciousness unless you know what to look for. Why? Because it is subconscious. On the other hand, if your observation skill increase, some of the stuff that had been subconscious before, may surface in your conscious experience. But at that point - it is no longer a part of your subconscious. This is when you can address it directly. There may be techniques that work with whatever is subconscious for you, such as meditation, kriya, reichian therapy, etc. These techniques however are something that one needs to sort of 'believe' in to even try and stick to long enough to see the benefits. I'm not a huge fan of that, but I get that I'm probably missing out a lot. With these techniques it's more like fishing than actual work because you kind of never know what you're going to get. It's like throwing a dynamite down the toilet to have something to clean. I may be confusing the subconscious with the unconscious though. I see the former as something between unconscious and conscious.

@Peo By living harmoniously. Explaining it will only serve to trigger people like you've noticed. Try putting it into practical context, without spiritual jargon. Share your inner peace and reassurance. If they become curious 'why' you're so benevolent, you may share something introductory with them. This doesn't happen often though, so don't be too fixated on that.

@Pouya I can relate. The 'I don't exist' phase is about dis-identification with whatever I perceive. "I" exists as a thought, but I am not that thought. The 'I am everything' comes from a place of peace and safety of this dis-identification. It is as if the whole world was 'me' and there was nothing to worry about. Everything is familiar, like 'my' hand. In my experience, this is more of an intuitive/emotional thing, so it's not really something that I expect coherency from. It doesn't matter that it forms a contradiction.

@Ampresus These people read so much to put that book together for you. Going through them again yourself may be beneficial, but only partially with respect to SD.

Yeah I've known that product since childhood, but I'm not manly enough to stomach painting my nails. Why? Is it because I put so much effort to sound unreasonable? You know, I've been persecuted by my inner critic for squishing things my whole life. I'm a man after all. How would I not be afraid of squishing small silly humans?

@Zigzag Idiot Man, you're a warrior. I was getting all upset that mine had a little bump on the bottom. Lamination does not reflect light perfectly anymore . It looks like you memorized it by now. How old is it? Balisongs are so cool! I wanted to be cool when I was 12, so I picked it up and started to learn the tricks. I still flip it, but it's my primary tool for manicure haha. It had its renaissance lately when I sharpened all knives in my home. I took the picture yesterday. Three of them, actually. The other two show my meditation cushion! Instagram disease. Getting too brazen? I always liked you that way.

@now is forever I guess that I do. Serves me right for projecting how I feel about my childhood onto my hypothetical children. On the other hand, it gives me chills to imagine that I could have a son as cheeky as I was. Or maybe, that I wouldn't and I would have to constantly watch my steps to not squish a small silly human. Anyways, my boredom is fixed now that I have this: This book spits fire on every page. Thanks @Zigzag Idiot!

I skipped that stage as well for various reasons and now that I'm married it's not an option anymore. From my experience, I will tell you that the most valuable thing you can get from manipulating people is: feeling at ease with being manipulated by others taking ownership of your desires As humans we need stuff. In order to get it, we need power. If you do not acknowledge this simple fact, you will still use power but in such a way that you will not notice it. You will feel like a victim. This way, your needs will be insatiable, because you will not be conscious of the fact that you are exploiting people and reap benefits. The other problem is that you will not feel joy in having things, which will feed right back into your need for more. It's a vicious cycle. You can, but it will result in you having a shadow. In fact, you probably already have one with respect to power to begin with and it is the cause of your willingness to avoid this stage altogether. If you want to do pickup, you need to ask yourself: what do women get out of being picked up by you? Do you provide some value to them? Or are you trying to outsmart them and lie your way into their pants? The other question is: will your future wife really be happy with a man that can't fuck with her psyche properly? How are you going to keep being attractive to her through 40 years of marriage/relationship? You need to get this experience somewhere. <- ooh, that paragraph feels so wrong. Long term relationships are not built in pickup skills, but I believe they could help. I guess that's my stuff right here. This feels like a classic example of trying to be smarter than yourself. You are exactly as smart as you, so don't try to use knowledge you gathered to avoid uncomfortable areas of life. It will bite you in the ass in the end.

I've been bored out of my mind for the past two days and it's bugging me. Why can't I just enjoy life without problems? Nothing to do? Just sit flat on your ass and enjoy yourself for fucks sake. NO, I NEED TO COME UP WITH A GREAT SCHEME OF HOW I WILL IMPROVE MY LIFE. I'M WASTING MY TIME. i SHOULD CONTRIBUTE TO THE WORLD. I HAVE SO MUCH UNFULFILLED POTENTIAL THAT I NEED TO ACTUALIZE. Well, the only reason I work is that I want money. It's not like I want luxury, if I had more I would probably save it. It's just that I think that I should earn more given what I think that I'm capable of. I think that this company does not give me any opportunity for growth, so I can't prove myself to be more productive and useful. Is that really the case? Well... Kind of yes, but no. We need money to do stuff which seems to be the bottleneck for the time being. Of course, it is always the case for management and I can't really count on their reliability. I could try to coerce them into giving me a raise if I had a counter-offer from another company, but in order to negotiate I would have to be willing to leave. I'm not. I would probably have to reallocate and sell/rent my apartment and it's just too much of a hassle to do. Or is it? Am I too comfy in my current lifestyle? I kind of am. Is it bad? Not really - things are stable and reliable here. So, am I really just bored and try to find some problems to solve? It seems that way. If I were to entertain the idea of changing a job, I would probably have to pick my alternative career as a programmer. I could make much more money, but it would probably not be as comfy as it is right now. I could clean up my life a little and my wife could get a better job in another city, so that's an opportunity. On the other hand, I've never worked as a programmer before, so it's risky. So, is it just a self-esteem problem? It's not like I have a social life to boast about my career. I tend to stick around simple minded people and connect with them. Am I just curing my grandiose self-image that I've been cultivating in my early 20s? Is it just a backlash from a set of beliefs about my intelligence and potential? If I were to ask myself: "What do I want to accomplish in life?", then I would probably say that nothing is worth spending my life on more than simply enjoying it. People are a very potent canvas to express myself in, but I have that covered by my marriage. Having children is something that intrigues me. There are many benefits to them, practically speaking, but I'm hesitant to indulge in this pleasure out of egotistic reasons. Are there any other reasons though? I want to create the world, that's how grandiose my ego is, and I suppose that children are very potent vessel for that purpose. On the other hand - how do I not succumb to the temptation of molding them into a shape that simply pleases me? Obedient, sweet children are great children, but they make terrible adults. After all, people that crave power are the ones that should stay away from it, and what is less vulnerable than a blank slate?