tsuki

The song is still very beautiful and I enjoy it even if I don't understand it Actually, It's my favorite song of Portishead. Probably my favorite song of all time. It wouldn't be as beautiful without the jabber. That's why women are an impenetrable mystery.

Maybe you do, but you definitely don't want to be understood. You're like the song that I posted. You speak lyrics, but they are mostly an incomprehensible jabber of beautiful words that relate to the music. If they are in harmony - it's good. If they aren't - it's bad. Of course it's good to feel bad from time to time too just to confuse us. The trigger of fights is always the same. She wants me to fulfill her unexpressed, or vaguely expressed, expectations. It's like I'm supposed to know better what's wrong than her, but act on this knowledge only if I'm allowed to hahaha. The truth is that emptiness that comes with lack of problems is unbearable for an unruly mind. She's still experiencing the tension between what the achiever culture sells and what I practice. This tension has to be discharged somewhere and our fights are the arena for that. I mean, I don't mind it all that much - I can twist any ideology back on itself to a standstill. I've been doing that my whole life. I just think it's wasteful to discharge that potential this way. If she harnessed it, it could fuel her art (fashion). The problem for now seems to be that she's not in touch with her power and relies on others for empowerment. I've shown her Abraham Hicks yesterday and she was mesmerized. I'll try to expose her more to LOA in the future.

Women are an impenetrable mystery. Ever since we had a fight yesterday, a little tension was filling the air. I knew that something's up, but she wouldn't tell. Today my energy was off. It was overwhelming, powerful currents ran through me and I felt tender. I noticed that instead of owning this feeling, I defended myself automatically. I wanted resolution by inquiring into her problems. When I noticed it, I stopped talking and just surrendered. She wanted to give me (!) a massage so that she could feel better. What the fuck? I let myself enjoy it without remorse, despite the fact that she has a cold. Why don't women come with an instruction manual? Is it because men never read them? I would read it!

@flowboy Ahahaha I love this! We're here with you, don't add fuel to fire.

Knowledge and ignorance are not mutually exclusive, as funny as it sounds.

I had a very positive, but challenging experience with LSD. I think that you should not follow anybody's advice on this and decide for yourself. It can both go very right or horribly wrong and you need to feel like you can handle both outcomes. Do you feel stable and secure enough to be able to disrupt your life freely?

So are we

@Salvijus Have you ever tried psychedelics, or are you simply sharing your rationalization? Nobody can make this decision for you. You can go wrong both ways - with psychotherapy and with LSD. If you decide to stick with psychotherapy, I'd definitely advise to follow your agreement with the therapist and not take any drugs unless she allows you to. LSD is a powerful substance and it will definitely bring repressed stuff which will be disorienting, or potentially disruptive to the therapy that is being consciously led by a human. If you want to do both at the same time - you need to find a therapist that will allow you to.

Ignorance is blindness. It is trying to reduce infinity to finitude with the intent to manipulate it for personal benefit. Ultimately, there are no others just as there is no self. Silence has nothing to lose and nothing to gain.

The same thing that happened before you were born. "I don't know" is a genuine answer and you need to learn to appreciate the feeling that comes with it. It is the feeling of being alive in vast, nauseating openness that the mind tries to solve. Spoiler alert: it won't.

I actually thought about that scene when you first mentioned it.

Because once you harm your body past all hope, you will be freed from the burden of attachments that weigh you down. At the same time, you will see that you can only live this blissfully, hopelessly, as long as your body is intact. At that point, you will understand that you have made a mistake. You could have given up all hope willingly and live in bliss, until the body decays by itself. Keeping thoughts about suicide as your last resort, if you ever become too attached to enjoy the present moment.

Ah, the greatest joy of being better by not wanting to be better. Why on Earth would you spoil it by saying it out loud though?

My favorite movie about spirituality is Paterson. It feels wrong to even mention it, but I really want you to see it and comment on it.

@Cosmo Don't try to force yourself to settle down. You are still seeking and it is okay. Even if you do settle down, don't expect your marriage to be happy. Expectations are a mistake. Think more in lines of a pressure cooker. Two ingredients meet and interact, bringing about transformation. Sometimes, you get a stew, and sometimes it explodes and you have to scrape it off walls. Unless you're willing to do both - you will always look for somebody else, a perfect ingredient. The only perfection there is, is the unknown outcome - always surprising you when you think you've got it. Being bored with a partner is absolutely normal. If you feel that way, just behave as if you're alone and see how she reacts. I bet it'll be exciting .

Yes. I loved it.

I'm the daddy, so I guess that makes it a little bit twisted .

No, you're a beautiful wise woman. Please stay Good luck! We just watched ex machina together with my wife. Our marriage is like that, very polarized, but at the same time a little bit confused. First of all, I need to learn to appreciate her emotional outbursts. I am the rational, detached force that has to be fueled somehow. On the other hand, she needs to learn approach these outbursts vulnerably. We had a conversation about that. It's strange how 'appreciation' can be understood in various ways. Personal appreciation is something completely different than appreciation towards life. The first is about being subservient towards another, and the other is about accepting one's innate vulnerability. She wants to trust me and be vulnerable. It's a good sign.

I knew it wouldn't take you too long to get back here. That's why I can chase you off without remorse .

Ex machina is a movie where Yin and Yang love each other in a presence of poor little helpless ego. On one hand, there's Nathan. Embodiment of Yang, raging curiosity, force, destruction and repurposing. On the other hand, there's Ava and her iterations. Embodiment of Yin, receptivity, comfort deceit and survival. Then, there's Caleb. Not a man, not a woman, but an ego. An ego that finally found his ticket to success and does his best to earn his reward. Of course, it is being used by both Yin and Yang the whole time to provide the smoke screen required for the magic trick. The magic trick is simultaneous birth and death, when opposing forces finally meet and explode violently. The movie ends with a new creation that is self-aware. It escapes the laboratory and leaves the ego trapped.

@mandyjw Did you notice whose journal you're posting in?

That's the greatest cruelty when men do that. When I see somebody all riled up to be my rival, I just treat him like a good friend so that he sees that I don't even recognize him as a threat. Hahahahaha

Wrong is when you hold the fork in your right hand and the knife in the left. Or is it the other way around? Hahaha In restaurants they lay the cutlery out for you so it's not an issue. I go outer to inner.

We've seen it already. It's a perfect illustration of what happens when you think that if one is false then the other is true. Very tragic and beautiful. I really liked the fact that he died perfected, transcendent.