jillmars7

I ask myself the same thing all the damn time. Why does it take so much work just to fill this emptiness that just comes back all the time? I don't have an answer for you but I believe that the "powers that be" have achieved their goal of herding us like sheep. Look at the society we live in. It seems ridiculous doesn't it? 8 or more hours a day taken from our lives just to keep this machine called society going. It doesn't make sense. The reason why you and I and a lot of people feel the way we do is because this isn't natural. Our souls want more than what we're giving it but how can we when everything is so fixed on money? I feel you. I break down and cry many times before going to work, just enraged at the fact that I have to spend my precious time there. Sometimes I wish money isn't needed to survive, just so I could spend a lot of my time meditating or just admiring life as it goes by. But it's full of people and things that piss me off all of the time. I too am sad that it takes so much just to be happy.

I keep thinking that I want to be relieved of the human condition. The need to eat and work to survive. Nothing satisfies me. All I have are addictions to certain distractions such as binge eating and watching videos, looking at bizarre pictures and at certain times I derive satisfaction in the plight of annoying celebrities. Everything bores me. I find most people I meet loathsome. Sometimes I'm angry that they are sheep. I'm also upset with this disgusting ego of mine because of how I want to be recognized for my ideas and how badly I want to be special and adored. But I also don't want the attention of sheep. I believe in a spiritual realm where fairies and angels live but I am terrified of seeing one. I am afraid of the dark and of evil. I am afraid that I am evil. It terrifies me to think that my soul is corrupted. I know aliens exist and I am aware that all souls are one but I am incredibly lonely. I am also reading over this as I type it and think how incredibly insane it sounds then I feel disgusted in myself. I feel like all I want to do is sound good and make sense. I want to be accepted. I am aware that wanting to be accepted is a condition from my incredibly huge ego. I hate my ego. I believe my ego is the cause of my insecurities. But I can't help but want to be significant. I believe that somehow service to others is the path to happiness but I can't make myself want to even get out of bed. Sometimes I look up at the sky and want to see alien spacecraft just to know there's something other than this reality I'm living in. Even though I know they exist, I just want to see it with my own eyes. Currently my greatest interest is to go through hypnosis just to see what my higher self wants to say. Sometimes I'm afraid my higher self isn't as magnificent as I would like it to be. I am aware that that's not for me to decide. I am curious who I was in my last life. My ego wants me to have been someone spectacular. Sometimes I wish I was Cleopatra. Although she went through much suffering so I don't know how much I would enjoy that idea. But I just want to be recognized for that in this life. How selfish of me. I want to relieve myself of the human condition. There's way too much work and burden to feel somewhat fulfilled. So at times I have thoughts of killing myself. I didn't like my life much and still don't. I will not kill myself but my thoughts keep entertaining the idea. I'm so ungrateful and I'm a bit ashamed of it. Some people find joy in living and would probably like my life if they had it because it is comfortable and I live in a first world country, I'm never hungry and there's always something to do if I choose. But... like Leo said in one of his videos, I yearn for life to be magical.