triadne

Thanks for more replies. I read with great interest because I am finding that I don't actually relate. I may have gotten it wrong. I beat myself up a little. For example, I can watch dancers on youtube and I'm under no impressions that I can't move like they do. Also, I recognise there are people who know more than me about physics for example. but here is the issue... In the past I have watched videos about a physics theory. the person in the video explains it all. I think about it I understand it, and I decided that they are wrong. I get angry about it because I feel like they are stupid and are misrepresenting it to us. I automatically think I am more intelligent than them and have the one true answer and that they should listen to me. It's when I get so bullish like this... I spend a lot of time on it and I act in a way that they may feel is disrespectful. But of course I'm right. until those times when I discover I'm wrong. and it feels like the bottom has fallen out of my stomach. Because how could I possibly be wrong? I figured it out. it made 100% sense. It's like.. when I know things I KNOW them. There is no mistake and I always argue with 100% confidence. until that gets shook. and then it's bad. but maybe it's bad because... why should I be so 100% confident of anything? why do I do that and how do I stop it? why do I have such strong faith in things that I am good at?

Sorry, I should have added at the end of my post: As a child, growing up, I was severely emotionally neglected. I have severe intimacy issues as a result. I have not learnt how to love others or to accept love and affection from others. any warmth or love is identified as sexual advances and I feel deeply uncomfortable. I am lacking a basis for what simple love is etc. I'll edit my post to add these details at the end. Osaid, thank you, you are right, I am seeking adulation from others because it is the only type of positive feeling I gained when I was a child, from my school teachers. I do recognise that I ought to be able to love myself, but I am uncertain how to go about it. I have seen Leo's videos before but I will most certainly watch it again. Neutralempty, thank you for your perspective, but I don't believe this is seductive, it is more like desperation, because it is the only type of love I ever got as a child.

I wrote this to my brother just now.. I wanted to be as honest as I could. Does anyone relate? > If I wasn't right all the time. if I wasn't extremely talented and smart. If I wasn't the most unique and special being that most people could meet. how could I even have any value? why would anyone want to know me? >>> (my brother) Well this makes no sense. People appreciate humility. Not bigging oneself up. Your value to me is your warmth and kindness, and your sense of humour. >It's my ability to be more humble than anyone else that makes me so special >I am far better than anyone else at being able to accept that I can be wrong >See, I'm supreme being at everything. and this is the only way I can be of any value. I have the best obscure sense of humour. nobody is as good as me at this type of humour. >and being kind is especially good trait. I am so good at this, that people have to like me for that. if they don't, then I am worthless >without those things you mentioned that make me such an amazing and wonderful person, I am scum and shit. just detritus infecting this planet >if someone, say for example and internet troll, fails to see how right I am, how kind I am, how skilled I am, if they don't respect me for how special I am, I can't just let them get away with that >and how could I possibly be wrong about something? something I was so sure of.. how could I be wrong, unless there was reasonable doubt? how could I be fallible? If I were fallible than I am not worth spitting on >>> (my brother) I am sensing humour, but I am also sensing biterness. I am thusly very confused, and I need to go out to tesco >there is no humour here >This is just the truth. something else I am good at. better than anyone else at seeing and saying the truth. honesty. most honest person most people will meet. >If I weren't honest, and all these other things, I wouldn't be worth much would I? ---------------------------- EDIT: As a child, growing up, I was severely emotionally neglected. I have severe intimacy issues as a result. I have not learnt how to love others or to accept love and affection from others. any warmth or love is identified as sexual advances and I feel deeply uncomfortable. I am lacking a basis for what simple love is etc.

thing is, if this npc or potential npc is my best friend, I don't want to simply stop interacting with him. he is on my level in so many ways and we usually have a lot of fun together.

sorry about the animals comment, I did not mean it as derogatory. I understand it would come across that way, I am so bad at describing my thoughts sometimes. I love what you wrote there by the way. so many lovely layers of concepts. It's a delight to explore what you said.

Came to some realisation this morning. some people simply aren't capable of recognising that other people have motivation and reasons for the things they do. It's almost like they look at other people in the same way as I look at a video game character. It's quite startling, because I would have been like this at some point. but now the complexity and consideration I give to the reasons behind things in the universe, it comes naturally to me and I just didn't realise that other people cannot do this. For me to try and explain another person's actions to someone who thinks this way, is seen by them as me taking their side. they can't see that there are two sides to a coin. they are not able to consider that an issue has more facets than how they see it. is this why some people are called NPC's these days? because it makes a lot of sense. These people simply don't have the thought processes to recognise that another person has complex thought processes and motivations and backstory. This is a new challenge for me, I've made a discovery and it is kind of exciting. how do I learn more about this? I was honestly under the impression that all people had the capacity to empathise and understand different viewpoints. How do we deal with these kinds of people, how do respect them and their viewpoint, how do we view them with high regard? edit: removed a line that I realise could be taken as derogatory. not always best at putting my thoughts into words...

I think even if memories are not entirely true, they can be connected to the emotions , and we can use that to process those emotions. so if I do this kind of practise, shamanic breathing etc. then I can regain access to memories that are similar enough to my younger experiences? So perhaps I can just use my imagination?

To understand my deep emotional issues that are hidden. We have stories built upon stories, and I need to understand what those stories are before i can unravel them. I was hurt as a child and without understanding how that has shaped my outlook now, i can't resolve my emotional problems. mindfulness doesn't really help because when i pay attention to my emotions they can become overwhelming and it's like trying to piece together a conversation while standing in a nightclub. I need a filter or a telescope.

More info :- I've figured out that I have this crazy overblown sense of justice. If I feel an injustice, it's like I get obsessed with it and get super controlling or manipulative.I get this way about things that other people take in their stride. I can't keep a pet because I want it to love me all the time and if it acts in a way I feel is unwarranted form of rejection, I get super angry. I would probably do really badly in a relationship but I've never been in one so I don't know for sure. I feel rejection badly, let's say somebody said they would give me a car ride to a place, then if they are late by more than 5 minutes, I get super paranoid. If somebody parks their car on the grass outside my home, I get really angry and look for ways to make them stop. If I hear my neighbour's door bang closed, I get really crazy bent out of shape and recently I've been really anxious about it. I practice avoidance so I don't have to confront these situations. I sleep crazy hours so I don't run the risk of being in my hall when the neighbour gets home or goes out. I've finally figured out this is all due to abandonment. my mother has some other sort of bad issues I think. her second child died in his sleep while sleeping in his cot. I was her third child and up til the age he died, she would stay by my cot while i slept and watch me. after I had passed that age, she said she stopped watching me. she has been dismissive of me ever since. any time I asked for her validation, asked for her opinion, asked for her help, she has dismissed me. when my two younger brothers were born, I got it even worse, if that is even possible. mainly because I could see how much they were doted on and i must have been thinking "why didn't I get that?" The twins were always taken on trips and treated to new toys and new clothes etc. I was expected to do housework that they were never expected to do. They got away with all sorts of mischief that I was often blamed for. Any time they did anything bad that effected me, I would ask for my mum to intervene and she would do nothing, but of course it was the other way round for me. Any time anyone did anything that hurt me, including neighbours or strangers on the street, it became my fault.

Hi, I've watched some videos on abandonment and how to deal with it. some pretty good tips to be had. one poignant video said I need to reconnect with my inner child, to feel what she felt, and to comfort her. I think this would really help if I could remember a lot of it. I can't. It feels like several lifetimes ago. Can anyone give any further tips on how to do this? I'm sure a therapist would be awesome but I don't currently have access to that. any other ways I could try and unlock any lost memories or access the emotions that are linked to them? Thanks!

Seeing a therapist won't help if you are still fighting various thoughts. It really depends on how you are using the therapist. I can go to a hair dresser and ask for a wash and blowdry, but if my hair is past my ankles I'll still trip up now and then. You need to use the therapist for what YOU NEED, and that is to stop this battle with yourself. Notice the feeling in your body when you do this shaking thing. What is this feeling? Why is it so terrible? Try just one time to embrace the feeling. Imagine it's like an old friend. Let it wash over you. You see, your body wants to protect you. Every feeling, every response, is pure love. I get the feeling you are trying to rid yourself of various feelings or thoughts. This is only going to make it worse. You have to accept all of yourself. Even these thoughts that you might think are dangerous. I used to think suicidal thoughts and it used to terrify me. It terrified me every time it happened until I decided suicide wasn't a bad thought. I decided it wouldn't really matter if I killed myself. It would be fine. Since then I realised these thoughts weren't scary or dangerous and I realised I really didn't want to kill myself. I could try if I wanted and that would be fine, but I didn't want to.

let's suppose you chose to come live this life. then you would choose t go live those other lives too. it's not like you're being forced to live it. you say now, you don't want to experience some thigs, but that is your ego throwing up fear about something it does not understand. this is why people seek ego death because the ego can flip out over things it doesn't get. other people undertake the work of developing the ego so it doesn't flip out over things. that's what I do. I know there will be suffering. I feel it is important for me to go through that adversity. because I chose it.

not quite. as has been alluded to, there are two components to you as a human being. there is the human and the being. the human is your ego, the software that runs on your brain computer and throughout your body and may soon spread beyond the human body as technology advances. the being is what I tend to call "the watcher behind the eyes". it is the part of you that is watching and experiencing all this. this is the part that remains as 'you' when in deep meditation. It's also called your higher self and is in essence, god. or existence. for 'god' time has no meaning. it is only within your ego that time has meaning. There seems to be two schools of thought of how to deal with suffering. one is to shed the ego, the other is to develop the ego. depending on what stage of development you are at, one will sound vastly preferable. There is no right or wrong answer. it's down to the individual. but since time has no meaning for god, when the ego dies, you will start a new ego existence immediately, but at the same time you won't. or you might go back in time to the beginning of the same day as you died. I don't think any of us could say for sure. long story short, this memory you have and the story you tell yourself about who you are, this part will end when you die and will not continue any ego existence. But the essence of you, enjoying this life and experiencing all these things, that will not die.

Honestly, I'm surprised at the arrogance I'm seeing here.

for 'god', suffering is valuable. Its all about learning and learning is inherently fun. anyway, ego death.... Well when your ego dies, your body will die. The ego is what keeps us safe from danger and discomfort etc. Its what keeps you alive. Without ego, you would not eat or move. You would be a cabbage. Comatose. It might be helpful for you, if you learn how to deal with suffering and not let it get overwhelming. This is what actualisation is all about. Becoming the best human being possible. Ego and all.