Silvester

I don't know what else to do, so I will post here. This is my emotional babbling, feel free to ignore this post if you don't feel like it. I seem to keep messing up other people's lives. A few weeks ago I left a bump in my parents new car. I just got my license. My mental health declined a bit for a few weeks after that. Yesterday I came back from a 2 week vacation and today, an hour ago, my first day back, I get into a bike accident with my mom. I took the wrong direction out of habit and she landed, I did not. Her glases are broken, her hip recieved some damage and her kneecap is open. When it happened it felt like a dream. Like I would wake up any moment. I know people here probably have way worse things they've accidentaly done but my emotional state is very unstable. I felt no guilt, nothing at first. I can hear her downstairs in pain when she takes a wrong step. I don't think its all too bad (she walked home at least), but the thing is that my parents will go on holiday (ironically the same island I was on) in a week. She can't get glases till then and we don't know if the pain subsides till then. I'm in a weird space right now. Sort of like looking over a very high cliff, unsure if I will fall any second. I am used to suicidal thoughts coming and going but there's nothing yet. Just an odd sadness, and like none of it is real. Its so strange, the day began so lightweight. So happy. What does it mean? Am I bad luck? I feel like bad luck. What should I feel? Should I feel guilty? Cuz I don't. I am afraid of that emptiness in me. I keep imagining very spiritual people in my head, looking at me (Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle) asking them to look at me. I want to be looked at and I want to see what they see. I don't know what I am anymore. So many times I have messed things up and felt broken afterwards. But now I just don't know anymore. I want to leave. Just hours ago I thought it would be nice to have a last few months at my parenst before I go to university. Now I feel like I need to disappear. It also feels silly to me, like nothing bad really happened. But then I don't know if anything bad happened. I just don't know what it means. Why did it happen? Why does it keep happening? Its so mysterious to me. I don't know how long this odd nothingness will last. How long before the guilt comes. I think I destroyed their holiday. She can't even take the stairs. She can't see. Why should she go? I was the sweetest when it happened. I am still sweet. I held no judgement against her whatsoever. I accept her anger, I want her to be as angry as she wants to be. Like I said, I just didn't know what else to do. I feel idle wanting to share this. Oh how painful haha. Its just so painful. Things just topple over each other. This looks so silly now that I look at it. Such a long post, trying to get some redemption from people I don't even know. Life is so stupid. I am a fool for thinking it could get better. It doesn't seem to work for me. It is embarassing, all of this. I don't care though, I don't know who else to talk to. I'm excited to see what others think, will someone reproach me or will people try to soothe my guilt. Or will no one answer at all. It doesn't matter, I just needed this to be put somewhere and I like this place. All you people here are so wise. I just keep asking why, why why. Why does anything happen. But I feel like things just happen as they please. I had made a whole plan of it. I had written down goals and intentions. For the coming months. I was so hopeful. Excited even, as I rarely am. Maybe this is what Leo means by growth sometimes leading backwards. Some part of me doesn't want goals. Doesn't want happiness. Whenever I am somewhat happy something gets in the way again. Maybe life is harsh so that we may turn inward and find happiness there. Like this. It keeps knocking me down over and over again. But whatever, I have to think. Thanks for reading. Maybe you'd like to share if you feel the same, or otherwise.

@Edogowa Conan Hey, I‘ve been following your thread for a while. With your last post, are you saying your ego dissolved? Was this temporary or constant? Also, was this achieved through the work or some other technique? Congrats btw on realizing, must have been shitty to carry around. Sorry for questioning you like this, I am just really curious what a regular practice of the work can do to the psyche and you seem to be pretty consistent. I‘d also be interested in how your general happiness has increased over the last couple months, if you practiced the work as you said you would. Cheers!

People use terms like "higher consciousness" or say "become more conscious". To know if consciousness is quantifiable, one would need to know what it is first. And as far as I have come to understand, it is, well, nothing. The sort of nothing that has no attributes whatsoever. So how can it be more or less? Does a rock have "less" consciousness than me? How can that be if consciousness is always the same (nothing). Or do people who talk about "becoming more conscious", actually mean the quantity and ability to understand or be conscious of consciousness itself? That which we try when we self inquire. Turning observation onto itself. Is that what they mean? A human mind seems to be more suited for that then a rock. But there will not be "more" consciousness still, right? We also talk about becoming "more" conscious when we talk about earthly matters like whats going on in the world or a particular field. Being more conscious about pollution or something like that. This definition to me seems to be more intelligence and knowledge based. In that case a rock would have less "consciousness" than me. Language makes this very confusing to me. Its like there are multiple definitions for one word: "Consciousness".

@FoxFoxFox Can you elaborate? I don't understand what you mean by dimensions. How can something without attributes have different dimensions? Or does the way in which it is perceived divided into 12th dimensions? But the perception itself would be consciousness.. Confused. @ivankiss So it has intelligence.. I can't wrap my head around it. How can it have intelligence? How can something that is nothing and is completely void, have intelligence? Of course this brings up the problem that I don't even understand intelligence. I get stuck on one particular thing. I divide the world in my head into two conceptual categories: The void, nothingness in which everything is occuring and the forms that take place in it. (Including any phenomena like intelligence, sentience etc.). I don't yet understand how they are both the same. Exactly the part where the duality of something vs nothing collapses. Hasn't clicked yet.

Hey guys, I am looking for a good vipassana meditation retreat in Thailand. I've heard of one at the Wat Chom Tong and Wat Tam Doi Tohn Temple. I am looking for like a 10 day retreat (not basic course) that includes vegeterian food. Have any of you guys done a retreat in Thailand that you recommend? Also are there any other "spiritual things" you can recommend to do in Thailand.

I was wondering about this notion that the 100% happiness mark can only be reached if you are autonomous and on top of the pyramid of society so to speak. Some of the concepts Leo talked about in his video about escaping wage slavery. It was something about being really happy is possible as an employee but being something like an entrepreneur would be favorable. What about jobs and passions that require employment? Things like being a teacher or a doctor. Sure you could open up your own school or hospital but I doubt you’d be doing much teaching or stitching people back up because of all the organization and marketing etc that is necessary in entrepreneurship. I just feel like a lot of time would be used up and not much would be left for the actual craft. On the other hand entrepreneurship sounds totally great and amazing, I am just weighing out the pros and cons right now. This is not even really concerning myself I have no idea what I should do but I just had this thought. Can anyone explain this paradox to me? Or is the premise false anyways?

@exhale Thanks for your answer, I do agree! Its not a black and white kind of thing.

New video confused me a bit. When I do inquiry on things I find evil, I usually realize that it’s me projecting. But now considering what Leo talked about, should Ialso accept it as evil, as evil being part of me? Realizing that both good and evil is part of me, of the true self, seems a different approach than questioning both concepts and realizing that they both don’t exist. Or does it it ultimately end in the same result? He talked about accepting and loving unconditionally. Is that different from questioning everything through inquiry? Because in inquiry the usual approach would be to realize that the thing I am looking at is only a projected concept. So what do I love then? Also, when questioning beliefs, most of the time I would work on the ones that create negative emotion (eg:the world is unfair) rather than positive beliefs (the world is fair). Both are conceptual. Would it be better to just question both negative and positive ones? Because after watching the video it seems sort of non- holistic to only work the negative ones... Lol I think I am overthinking this a little bit haha Btw no hate on Leo I loved the episode. Really nice ears.

@Sahil Pandit as far as I can tell with my inquiry practice it sort of doesn’t exist. In fact, whenever I truly look at somethig, all attributes fall away @Jack River you are probably right haha, maybe I should not overthink this so much. I do like how these spiritual concepts can motivate one to do the work but other than that they can be very confusing. Sometimes I can’t decide if I should contemplate something or observe it as in meditation. Although those two practices blend into one another sometimes. Anyway, thx for the response guys

I was wondering if the process called the Work, created by Byron Katie, can be considered shadow work? If you would use it on past memories, maybe even situations of trauma, or to change a deeply seated belief, it should fall under that category, right? Sorry for this lame definition question

I couldn’t find any hypnosis books on Leo‘s booklist so I thought you guys may have some suggestions. Also, what do you think of the topic, is it a worthwhile pursuit? Anyone gotten some interesting results? I was thinking mostly of self hypnosis, not conversational.

@How to be wise Awesome! gosh I just love this process. I wasn't sure at first if the method isn't direct enough because you have to actively search for beliefs so to speak... but I guess if you do it long enough you’ll automatically stumble upon the hidden core belief.

@St Clair thank you for response! This is kind of late now, life got in the way one might say. I love your ideas with the Trojan Horse in relation to shadow work and stuff. Stories are good for that I guess. I thought of starting a blog many times before but I am never sure what to write about... fiction? I could write about personal dev. stuff but I don't know if that's a good niche to then sell novels suddenly. Do you use your blog to attract your audience that will buy your books or do you write about topics unrelated to fiction writing? I think you got me convinced, maybe I'll give this blogging thing a go haha @SirVladimir at 17! Don't stop mate, who knows maybe you'll be the next Rolling!

Hey guys, I am stuck and need some advice. I have several interests but I never know if any of them are marketable and what I really want to do for a long time. I like fiction writing but I also like to listen to people and to teach them, give them insights. I thought of researching topics like shadow work and emotional healing and conveying the information in a blog. (And then eventually selling a related product or doing coaching). I don't know if that is a realistic plan though... Making a living being a fiction author is sort of difficult I assume and I am not sure if it would have the positive impact the way the blog would have. Whenever I think of those ideas I feel overwhelmed by all the technical details I'd have to take care of and the time it would take to build it. I don't know how to decide, commit or actually start any of those endeavors.. any advice?

I am interested in the effects of doing the Work by Byron Katie for an extended period of time. As for myself I was not very consistent until now with the practice but still feel like it has helped me a lot. Feelings of peacefulness and openness wash over me whenever I do it, so I am curious what could happen if you were to do it for a long time habitually. Especially what kind of spiritual growth one could expect. Theoretically, if you were to question the statement "I am a person" and several other identifications, would it be possible to attain enlightenment with this process? Anyone here with some experiences? Also generally how the process changed your mind and life, short term as well.

I feel like I am mostly at stage green. I am not radical but most characteristics of green describe my way of my thinking, although we're probably always a bit of a mix in terms of stages, as it is only a model. I don't think I am fully green though. I am fascinated by yellow (and even more so by Turquoise, but I guess skipping stages is not recommended) and I was wondering how to determine if you are ready to transition into the next stage. Especially into yellow when one is not sure if orange is properly "integrated". Leo said at some point you can end up as a lazy hippie if you ignore (and even condemn) orange values at stage green. I am not particularly successful in business, have no money right now, I am not a very efficient and productive person (feelings determine my productivity) and mostly I don't desire the things orange desires. So what do I do now, go back a little and embrace orange (even tho I technically don't feel like doing that) or work on transitioning into yellow? I am currently working on creating my own business and how I can earn money but I want to do it in a "green" way, is that "orange" enough? Oh and one more thing. Sometimes I am frightened at going into yellow. It seems a lot colder and less connected than green sometimes. (Which it ultimately isn't, but it seems that way). Would it be better to fully embrace green first until you feel "ready" or is this just fear of change that needs to be overcome? I am generally confused as to how long one should plan to stay in one stage...(or if at all). All answers appreciated!

@CreamCat Your progression from orange into green and then into yellow is very interesting, thanks for sharing! So Yellow seems cold sometimes because it lowers ego defenses, that seems so accurate. It makes a lot of sense, green tends to be somewhat sensitive (myself included lol) and yellow starts understanding different perspectives, which makes it less reactive in a way I guess. I never thought of working both on orange and yellow aspects but now it seems to be quite logical. They are both focused more on the individual so that should work somehow. Thanks for your advice.

I will be graduating in about a week and I am supposed to start a mature life. And yet I feel like many adults are way too serious, way too heavy in a way. I'd like to combine the lightness of a child, seeing the magic of life, with the discipline of an adult. I don't know, self development always seems to me like a sort of struggle, a "no pain no gain" mentality. It's almost like we think things should be difficult, then and only then will they be worth it, and so they are/become difficult. Especially lately with getting out of school I notice that most of these achievements that we set for ourselves are hollow. I used to think it would make me happy to graduate. I sure am relieved but there was no actual happiness of fulfillment. I sort of knew it was gonna be like that but it kind of hit me the past few days. But now I am stuck between two ways of thinking. Experiencing the magic of life, like enjoying a musical play, and doing hard work to achieve future aspirations. And by aspirations I mean things like meditating, reading, contemplating, Life purpose etc. Its not all fun and games. Sometimes I feel like it should be. But many times even these more 'spiritual' goals seem generic and dry and, well, not 'magical'. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with the beauty of reality that it makes me sad I don't always see so clearly. In one of his videos, I think it was "10 things you don't know you want" or something, Leo said we want to see the magic of life again. How do we go about that? Is there a specific exercise, meditation or anything like that? Maybe it's even possible to combine the disciplined approach with the 'magic' approach? Getting excited about the hardships? Happy about any thoughts on the subject :-)

To integrate those two things sounds nice, although it must be difficult to find a balance.. I'll look into the book, thanks for the tipp! @Brittany Lol I guess you're right haha. In my country there is no crazy student loan so I think I will be fine. @Leo Gura By 'deconstruct your web of beliefs', do you mean self inquiry? I always wonder what the best way of doing that would be. Do you think something like the work from Byron Katie covers this as well?

Loving what is by Byron Katie

Same lol I can't wait. It's like waiting for the new episode of your favorite show (just that the show is not dumb like most)

So the advice your family gave you was "wrong" or "low conscious"? What exactly about this observation is making you feel depressed? Would you have liked them to be more supportive, to be more "conscious"? The thing is, we always act upon our current level of consciousness. Your family never intended to hurt you in any way. They themselves were under the spell of their beliefs, given to them by their family. They always had the best of intentions, deep down. I'd suggest to you to think about your family and then to write down any thoughts, beliefs and judgements you have about them, especially the ones that evoke negative emotions. Then, one by one, ask yourself if they are really true. Look what happens when you believe in these thoughts. And try to reflect what you judged your family for onto your own behavior. It's always a mirror. A statement like "My family should be more conscious" can easily be turned around to "I should be more conscious". Your own consciousness is really the only consciousness you should worry about. If you want to know more about this process you can check out Byron Katie and her book "Loving what is", or just watch her talks on Youtube.

Are there unhealthy side effects if you do this daily for a longer period of time?

When it comes to relationship advice, everyone seems to say that you shouldn't "need" someone, in to be attractive. Meaning that you should be able to live a good life without someone you have a romantic relationship with. My problem is now that I feel like I never get to this state of perfection. I always find something to fix in my life, or I have a depressive Episode, or anything to improve before being ready for a relationship. I always end up saying "I don't have time for this right now in my life" or " this is not spiritual enough". These thoughts are mostly semi conscious to me and I only notice them when friends point them out to me. Also, if the Law of Attraction really is a thing, I fear attracting someone into my life whose as emotionally distant as my subconscious (appareantly) aus, much like the past "relationships" I've had. I'm still young and there's much I want to do and create but sometimes I feel drawn towards having an actual partner. Is this misleading? How should I prioritize? And how do I prevent ending up desperately searching for a boyfriend if I do go in that direction? Thx for taking the time to read this

@Nahm That's a beautiful post! I think I'll have to meditate on that. So I feel like relationships, or what comes before them, are more about being aware, allowing, giving and most of all getting to know oneself more. I have a feeling that going against the desire of being in a relationship is just as hurtful as desperately trying to fill a void with one. When I get more into the spacious feeling of awareness I sort of get the intuition as though I don't need someone in my life but rather that it naturally would occur if I would let things flow. Because most of my previous dating ended up in me not committing and telling them that I am not ready for something serious. So maybe my problem isn't about finding a way to get someone interested, but rather finding a way to just allow things to fall into place. And to be more present with myself. Definitely to meditate more frequently. @YaNanNallari About this feeling of not being good enough... I always think that I should be more confident, successful and have my shit together before I storm into any sort of relationship. But that's not actually what the common advice is, is it? It is more about being able to be happy, like you said. I only now noticed that I really had the belief of "I need to be perfect before I can be someone's boyfriend" and since it was coming from lack, it only attracted more situations in which I felt imperfect. Thanks for everyone's answers!