LastThursday

I really enjoyed both interviews @Vido @Davino @Natasha Tori Maru, it's always good to put a face to a name. We could learn a shit ton just by listening to each other. GIVE US MORE. Second that! But it would definitely need some structure to stop chaos (@Vido).

Short poetry: I couldn't love myself So I looked somewhere else But it wasn't good enough Never quite right However hard I looked Despair was easier Self-love is harder I am whole

I have to lean into my God given intelligence instead of trying to hide behind it. What I mean by that is that I've used my intelligence at times as a kind of shield or weapon against the nasty old world. It keeps throwing difficult things my way and I've never been the brutish or dogged kind of person, instead I improvise and parry with my brain. It requires a sharpness of observation, mental rehearsal and a great deal of experimentation. This journal is a microcosm of the way I deal with the world. Experimentation makes me chaotic at times, as this journal shows; there's a constant kind of probing of the world around me to see what happens when I poke it. I do have a strong academic kind of intelligence born out of necessity with fitting into society and school and university and work - but I've also always had an inherent joy of symbolism and its magic for its own sake, the culmination of which is the life-giving ability to survive by manipulating symbols as my job: information technology. However, I also have a strong intuitive intelligence which is not based in symbology. My academic brain doesn't find it particularly easy to categorise that intuition. I have a strong affinity for music, for art, for theatre, and for all those non-verbal forms of intelligence. When I sit at the piano and noodle, I employ both types of intelligence, I learn the symbolic musical score and learn pieces that way, but I also improvise and create intuitively. It's the same with writing, I adore the letters and shapes of words and how they fit together (the how), but also my intuition largely guides what I write. I know intimately how a large part of the world around me works. I'm largely silent about this with others because despite that understanding being largely academic, the real-time expression of that knowing is intuitive and doesn't need words to explain it. This is especially so with the understanding of human nature I have, but I've got to admit unlike the understanding of a machine such as a computer which is finite, humans are anything but - they are an endless form of learning that I'm still embodying, I even don't fully understand myself yet. Reality is absolutely insane. My intelligence both the symbolic and flowing strands gives me a lot of frustration and I sometimes feel like it's always ready to explode, there's a lot of inherent inner tension to it. I feel an impulse to constantly raise my intelligence to push it as far as it can go, it has a natural momentum to it and very regularly surprises me, especially the intuitive aspects of it. Other people have muscles, determination, hard work, self-worth, conformity to rely on, my identity is my intelligence, intelligence is my identity. I both fit into this world and don't fit into this world, intelligence is a double-edged sword. Society is hungry for it, and yet the masses care more about those other things: using intelligence rather than embodying intelligence. But my intelligence isn't mine. I am honestly humble. I was just lucky to have had some iota of it when I was born into this world, and my intelligence has been its own springboard - I don't lord it over others and I try and give mine freely if I can. There are greater intelligences than mine, different intelligences, beautiful intelligences, intelligences I hardly recognise, a whole community of them. And of some of those, mine is pallid next to them.

I think it'll be good to get out things that arise and put them down in written form. I have so many lost thoughts and ideas, and some of them were very good.

There is a kind of platonic absolute truth, but there is also empirical absolute truth. The platonic kind is a truth that stands no matter what you believe to be true. It's a kind of faith based truth. It's absolute because it is always in play. May be to some the existence of God is an absolute truth. The empirical kind is a truth that requires knowledge or perception. For example I know I'm conscious. What makes empirical truth absolute is a temporal component: the knowledge I have of the truth never changes over time, I am always conscious and by extension I always will be. I find neither satisfactory, and so find the idea of "absolute" truth suspect. Both types require some sort of faith.

I held the Moon in my hands, her once subtle illumination extinguished. I did not understand how this could be. Hadn't I wanted to cherish her beauty and hold her tightly, so dear to me as the thought was? She, the Moon, weighed heavily in my hands, cupped. I slowly opened my hands and watched intently hoping for a sign of redemption, there was none, she had disappeared. In a melancholic panic I searched hill and valley for her until the dawn drew closer and brighter. And in my tiredness I slept by the river; a full day passed, waking only in the darkest part of night. And there! In the water reflected shone a silvery light I knew well. I cupped my hands once again and drank the cool water and at once looked up, whilst she looked down at me.

You don't fight it, you get away from it, and go find people that don't do those things to you. On the flip-side nobody ever died from humiliation or embarrassment. They are just sensations in your body that if not given too much attention will go away naturally. If you don't tie these emotions to your identity then you are invulnerable. Philosophically, people who purposefully embarrass or humiliate others ultimately suffer themselves - not in a Karmic way - but because to carry out an act you have to embody it first.

My alter ego

@Ulax someone's anxieties are specific to them, but in my case it was about control and trust in myself. My anxieties were around being in situations with people and feeling a sense that things could get out of control, and that I wouldn't be able to cope with it. This would also make me hesitant to enter into certain new situations. In a word "fear". Fear of embarrassment, fear of violence, fear of humiliation etc. I'd constantly ruminate about upcoming things that I was anxious about. I would endlessly mentally rehearse situations to make sure I had all angles covered and how I would "control" the situation. I'm not exactly sure how I started to overcome anxiety, but it probably started with a kind of meditation. I had incessant inner dialogue as I've just got that sort of mind. It was a kind of experiment where I thought "I'm going to stop that voice in my head", and so I started to practise constantly at it and it literally took me years to master it. Another strong revelation was that the future couldn't ever hurt me now. In a real sense I realised that I was always safe in the moment. At some point I started to leave my future self to worry about what to do - he could deal with it! That separation along with a silent mind, really helped me stop ruminating and reduced my anxiety tremendously. The last thing was learning how not to hesitate before entering a potentially difficult situation. The bottom line with taking any action is a binary choice: either you do it, or you don't. Any emotion you attach to a choice is completely arbitrary and invented by you, including anxiety. My last revelation was that choice and emotion have nothing to do with each other, the choice itself is neutral. That sort of thinking really allows you freedom to not hesitate if you don't have to, you choose, yes or no, and take the consequences either way - letting your future self take care of it. It's about trust in your abilities, you are a lot stronger and capable than you could possibly imagine. Once I had trust in myself, I had control, and no anxiety.

I found that eliminating rumination and hesitation are key to overcoming anxiety. Anxiety can be debilitating @Rishabh R

@AtmanIsBrahman you're correct in so far that it is a category error to count consciousnesses, like it's a thing. There is neither two consciousness nor one. The correct view however you stated: But still, be careful with words like "imagining" and "it", because they also don't apply to consciousness, although I get it, it's hard not to use words like that. If consciousness describes everything, then in fact it is everything and so it is unable to define itself, because any definition would be a simplification of itself, which can't happen by definition. The only way something can define itself is via recursion, so it is either a fractal or something like a quine from computer coding.

@eos_nyxia craving, desire, want, need, are the supporting structures of the temple, and need regular upkeep and devotion. Just notice to start with, nothing more. It's funny because I suspect I'm in the opposite camp where I actively want to be seen. It's neither here nor there though, I just see it as a natural disposition rather than an imposition as such. Freedom of choice is the way to happiness. It's like how an opera singer with a large dynamic range allows them to sing more songs and be more versatile. Being able to be seen, even if it wouldn't come naturally, would allow you greater dynamic range and choice. And, it wouldn't be a constant "on" switch in any case, sometimes you're unseen, sometimes you're seen. Likewise in my case, being comfortable with not being seen, would improve things for me too and make me less neurotic 🤪

Entirely my take on it too. Solipsism is entirely like the "this statement is false" paradox. The solution is to take the 'I' out of solipsism, but then it becomes something else: a self-defining field of consciousness entirely without ground.

You've got to love that tasty non-dual cheese. I slept, I breathed heavily into a brown paper bag. And, I've still got my wonky humour at least, I didn't lose that. What will happen, will happen organically and without too much forcing (keep breathing). Whether I chose to stay on this forum or not is irrelevant to the great scheme of things. It will stop when it stops. All of life is ephemeral and grabbing on to things too tightly is a recipe for suffering. Constantly having to letting go of potential and people is also a recipe for suffering. Being alive is both - suck it up Guillermo. Carry on...

Ever since Saturday I've been feeling kind of tired. I went out Saturday with friends about an hour and half away to meet at a country pub, we ate, drank, went for walk - all very pleasant. How many of those of you outside the UK get to stroll by someone's house in a little village that was built in 1637 and talk to the owner about its history? We're spoilt so many ways in this country. But come Sunday I felt sleepy the whole day. And that tiredness hasn't left me, I want to return to my sprightly self. That phrase has been niggling away at me. I have a love hate relationship with this forum. Yes, part of it is to do with the idiocy of the way the forum is, the people in it, but also that the forum is insignificant in the same way that a cafe down the road is insignificant - and yet I seem to keep returning to it. It gets under my skin that I choose to get embroiled in its stupidity, I AM above it, both in maturity and common sense. It is not the place for me and I get no substance from it any more. I suspect I'm probably one of the oldest guys here too - I really do have a different perspective from everyone here. The main thrust of why I do so is that I know that I need to keep introspecting, something within me compels me to do it. It is a way of forcing my hand. But when I do so it sucks the little life I do have out of me. It's like holding up a mirror and seeing my reality for what it is and I don't like it. I don't like it because I have no answer for how to change the bad bits. At 53 years I've run out of steam, I've done so many things in my life that the excitement and freshness got drained out me. I remember that optimistic, excitable, energetic and flirtatious youth I was. I was immature yes, but I was also more vibrant and full of life. Earlier this week, I was minding my own business, but found myself idly curious about a police-woman walking on the other side of the street. She was older, tanned and chiselled in her features, very serious. But we made eye contact and for an instant I could see her soften, nearly smile, before she realised what was happening, and carried on looking away seriously again. THAT. That is the real me. That I miss. I used to flirt with anyone who'd care to pay attention to me. I wasn't trying to pull - although sometimes I was - more like I was saying "this is me, let's play". A friend of mine calls me "The Wolf" and for good reason, he remembers who I was before. Maybe I was a wolf, I like to roam the outdoors, I like the chase! I read the signs of things that go on around me, my tiredness is just that, both a literal and figurative one. It would be nice to sleep and start dreaming a different dream from this one. Don't worry I'm not suicidal, I've been through all that and out of the other side. No, there is no easy escape, instead I must go through it. Other people depend on my presence, my dad, my sister, my nephews and nieces, my friends; and I decided a long time ago that I couldn't do it to them. In fact I couldn't bear it going wrong either, I don't need that hell. I find it useful to get out my thoughts in this journal. I could just as well make a private one for my eyes only. But I always was a bit of an exhibitionist by nature, it all fits together with those other things I mentioned above. I really don't care if no one responds to what I write, it's enough that others see it. My energy, the good, the bad, and the ugly is held up for scrutiny, and disseminated for others to make what they will of it. It's not all bad. The large tract of introspection and self-scrutiny I've gone through has sharpened my wits, made me see far more clearly, and made me a lot wiser than I once was, even in the short time I've pissed around on this forum. I'm less of a try-hard than I used to be, I do actually flow in life and my interactions with people day-to-day, something that I've always sought after, mostly overcoming the autistic hurdles I was born with. In fact I just don't care if I'm awkward, absent-minded, or that my "mask" drops at times. Social interaction for me - as much as I've always loved it - has always been hard work. Only now at 53 can I say that I've nearly cracked it FFS. I need more. Yet another phase in my life. I want it to start now. But I'm a bumbling idiot who doesn't know what the fuck they're doing. I feel like I've hibernated for long enough now, and I'm desperate to stretch and wake up. I don't know what that looks like, and perhaps it isn't going to be handed to me on a platter either. But I know one thing, I need to have a word with that younger me, mug him, and steal back that flirtatious, playful energy I once had. Cheers to that!

Thanks @Yimpa I will repeat the mantra regularly.

In no particular order the highlights are: Sweet, innocent, gut wrenching, Protracted loveless friendship, Potential wife, asymmetric, shrug, Slow motion car crash, Self absorbed, brief, immature. I have to laugh. I always wondered why I stayed single...

Thanks. You're most welcome.

Nuance man. Sigh. Women are not machines that are to be dissected and inspected like a clockwork. This is the wrong framing for what you want to achieve, you just don't realise yet. It's more of an improvisation, a dance, a ritual, a live exchange, a seduction. You're presented with a living breathing human being and you have to somehow enmesh yourself with that person. How do you do that? By paying attention to everything that's being presented to you in the moment and deciding in the moment what to do with all that. Sure, it helps to have a few rules of thumb, but that barely accounts for anything. Every single person gives you something different, you can't generalise it's not that easy.

There are no generalisations to be had, each woman is different. You're better off understanding what men are, since masculinity in all it's ways is what the majority of women find attractive. Since you're a man you're already at an advantage in that department, gotta flow with that more.

Noooo dont' break my fourth wall. Oh ok. I'm saying that women may have one or all or none of those attractive attributes, and that's it's ok. Obviously, my list is gross simplification for effect.

Each to their own lol.

Women's sometime beauty, women's sometime inscrutableness, women's sometime nuturingness, women's sometime defiance, women's softness, women's hardness. Call me an old romantic. Ha!

Damn you Zan Perrion. You may wear a costume, but I can sip coffee.

For sure, but it's not universal yet.