LastThursday

Lately I've been getting snatches of a weird kind of dissociation. It always happens in that inbetween state straddling wakefulness and sleep. It's the odd realisation that I'm just inhabiting this shell called Guillermo with all his baggage and history. In that instant there's a kind of distance as if I were thinking about another person. The implication being that there is separate entity that is making this observation. This is so out of my normal experience that I find it jarring, but it's always followed by unconsciousness. This doesn't stop in my dreams themselves. I have had dreams where I had breasts, that was definitely an odd sensation in retrospect. There was a weight and tangible feeling to them; despite being a bloke, I think I could explain what it was like to have breasts. I have also looked in a dream mirror and seen a female reflection. Basically I was a young Keeley Hawes, but with shorter hair (and a shameless excuse to show one version of an ideal looking woman): Also in that hypnogogic state I get glimpses of old feelings. This is hard to describe. But think back to yourself ten years ago say. Notice that there is a definite feeling of being you at that time, and that that feeling is different from the you of now. But it's more acute than that, it's more of a feeling specific to a definite situation in time. All these sensations are always annoyingly fleeting. The impression I get is that if they weren't fleeting, I would effectively be able to re-live them in their entirety. What all this pontification shows is that the very character of Guillermo is a fantasy and completely malleable. Given the right nudge and impetus I could suddenly become someone/something else, with the real possibility of not being able to "go back". Or instead I could just wait another ten years.

So: "Hey. I noticed your pink shoes from a mile away. Where did you get them? No! I don't want a pair for myself. I was with my sister the other day, and she was trying on the exact same pair. What? No she didn't end up getting them, way out of her league, she's more of a flat shoes kinda girl. But I see that you're not. They really work for you. Actually. Show me your calves... Wow. I mean just wow. I've been working on my calves, but obviously you can't tell because of these trousers I'm wearing. I don't normally wear trousers... LOL, no I'm a shorts kind of guy. You should see me in the summer. These clubs and wearing these rags do my manly calves no justice. So? What sort of calves do you like in a man?..." That sort of continuous bullshit. And obviously smirk like a mischevious kid throughout.

Conciousness has many forms, both alive and dead. An alive thing appears to consciousness as different from a dead thing: a corpse doesn't talk. But consciousness doesn't stop just because there are dead things appearing in it. The mistake is to think consciousness belongs to you, it doesn't. The concept of "you" can definitely die when you're being a corpse, but consciousness lives on. 5-MeO just plays with you by removing the separation between being alive and being dead.

The longer version is: selling your soul to the Devil. In other words making a deal with the Devil to sell your soul to him in exchange for supernatural assistance and advantage. In more religious times having no soul would mean you would go to hell instead of heaven. See here for some background: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doctor_Faustus_(play)#Pact_with_Lucifer

Creation requires time. There is no time.

The forum operates at whatever level you're at. It's a simple mirror of yourself. The rabbit hole effect isn't caused by the complexity, so much as by the ever present meta nature of every answer. There is a kind of oneupmanship based on being more meta than the other person. If you're going to be one of Leo's types of devil, then being constantly meta is pretty devilish. This constant metaness leads to a feeling of a slipperiness and no resolution to any question: complete relativity. The irony. But there is an upper ceiling of complexity on here. I will say that there are a lot of simple people here taking on very complex ideas and misrepresenting them. That's not their fault, just simply that the ideas being pumped into the forum via Leo are way above most people's pay grade. However, it's not above most people's mental capacity, it's just that you have to hang around long enough to understand what's going on. And when you do, you realise what's going on - as you have.

@Vibroverse this is abstract stuff. There are three things you will need to get: 1. There is no time line stretching from the past through the present and into the future. There is no time at all. Zip. Nada. 2. The only thing that exists is what is right in front of your face right now (aka Direct Experience). Thoughts are not proof of existence of anything. 3. Consciousness (you) will never die (immortality), so everything that can be experienced as Direct Experience will be experienced. In other words: infinity itself. So yes. Everything is happening at once. But the reason is because there is only "at once". There's no time. I repeat, there's no time. No time. No time. No time...

This is more of a note to self than anything else. I thought I would thematically list all the sources of knowledge I'm currently consuming, or at least give a flavour of it. Mostly, this is to see what my biases are and if there are any areas I could explore more deeply. My number one reason for consuming knowledge is interest. I find it hard to investigate anything that doesn't get the juices flowing. I'm also strongly into nostalgia as a vehicle for time travel, but that's really more about emotion and feeling and re-inhabiting old versions of myself for the purpose of escapism and comparison to my current self; it is also a tool for self-healing. You Tube This is my new TV. By theme: Ancient history and mysteries surrounding ancient civilisations. All sorts of music, mostly 80's and 90's nostalgia, but also electronic music to work to, classical guitar (got very into female guitarists lately dunno why) and piano music. Rick Beato, Paula Hermosin are great. Also, reaction videos for some reason! Self help and spirituality. I have my favourites here, maybe I'll go through them some time. Trains, especially London tube trains and history - I've always found trains fascinating, super nerdy. Anything to do with languages ancient and modern. Science related videos, especially if there's something I've never come across. Physics, astronomy, maths, computer science. Russell Brand, Joe Rogan, Brian Rose (London Real), Leo Gura alternative type content. This is more about getting a different slant on things, than actual conspiracy type bullshit. Retro-computing in general. I still own computers and from the 80's (and program them) and there's both strong nostalgic and interest value here. Young lifestyle and self-help bloggers, Matt D'Avella, Lana Blakely, Isabel Paige, Nathaniel Drew and others. I was young once, and getting youthful vibes and viewpoints is refreshing and useful to keep me optimistic. Plus nearly everyone is younger than me, so it can't be helped. Engineering and electronics. ElectroBoom and Fran Blanche. I have an engineering degree, so this has always been an interest of mine. Technology reviews. I don't really buy gadgets, but find these interesting nonetheless. Historical clothing. Priorattire is a good channel for this. I find history fascinating in general. House building and the tiny house movement. Mostly for ideas about alternative lifestyles. Odd and random content such as Tom Scott and a few others. The odd foray into pickup videos: but mostly for entertainment than instruction. Psychology, especially about human behaviour and thinking. Self hypnosis. I find these quite powerful for inducing altered states. Esoteric and fringe science and paranormal and UFO. Stuff that could be true, but no-one really knows. I like a good mystery. (What's missing here is art strangely) Wikipedia My main goto source if I want facts or history about a subject. But mainly: Maths, history, music (bands, release dates etc), music history, computing, art and artists and art history, languages, religion and spirituality, engineering, philosophy. Quora Maths, languages, ancient history, physics, some politics. TV Mostly as entertainment to kill time, so I won't list those. But also: The arts and art history, Science and environmental and nature documentaries. I was very into nature documentaries as a teenager. Music history (any period). Books I hardly read books any more. I was a bigger reader in my younger years, but electronic content is a lot easier to consume and more immediate, so it gets a greater slice of my attention. But: Science fiction, futurism (looking to read Stand on Zanzibar next). Classic fiction, you know, the famous ones. Neuro Linguistic Programming and self-help and philsophy and psychology. Some computer books, but the internet is a LOT better for this. Real Life I'm lucky to live close enough to London that I can do day trips: Museums. You get to see the real objects rather than just reading about them. The British Museum, Natural History, and Victoria and Albert are amazing. Art galleries. Tate Britain and Tate Modern are my favourites. But the National Portrait Gallery and so many others are just amazing spaces. I have seen a huge amount of both Salvador Dali and Picasso art: but then again I'm half Spanish so I'm biased here. Physical places, London and surrounding towns and villages are great sources of history in physical form. Bookshops. I could easily browse and read for hours in any bookshop. What's missing? I'm a huge art fan, but my other interests seem to take precedent. For me I guess it's more about aesthetics than actual thought, so I don't think deeply about art and I don't practise it. Both my father and sister are really good artists, and I was good at it in school; but I never pursued it that much. Certainly, seeing art physically is my favourite way of interacting with it. Politics and news. I purposely avoid news like the plague, because I know how negative it can be for my own mental wellbeing. But as a side effect this means I also avoid hearing about politics. I am political to a degree, but not strongly so. But getting to grips with political theory would be something that would make me more well rounded. One from the forums: dating. This is an odd one for me. I'm certainly interested in the meta perspective and psychology of attraction and procreation and relationships. I'd say I'm mostly interested in how relationships work. Again it's not something I think deeply about. But it would be good for my character to expand my knowledge in these areas. Maybe I should participate more in this area on the forum. LGBTQ. I have a vague interest in this area, more from a human psychology and lifestyle perspective. I do find alternative ways of being and living interesting (by which I mean different from mine), and I pride myself on being able to understand and get on with most types of people. But this is one area where my knowledge is thin. My half brother is gay, and I have also dabbled in my younger years, but more out of experimentation; so there is some interest here. Philosophy. I know the main historical players and some of what they stand for and are famous for. But the older I get the more I realise how much wisdom there is to mine here. The main problem is accessibility, it's arcane and presented in an old fashioned way. But Alain de Boton and a few others have brought it up to date. Certainly more juice to be had here. The Self Help and Spiritual sections of this forum - where I mostly hang out - are basically philosphy. Psychadelics. Until Leo this wasn't even a thing in my universe. It still isn't, but I've certainly had many incursions into altered states of consciousness, and I liked it. But using altered states to gain knowledge? That's new to me. I'm extremely curious about trying psychadelics, but, they are basically illegal (for better or worse) and getting hold of them is not frictionless. I keep an open mind.

What you're experiencing is the end of one phase and the start of another. Sometimes its obvious what the next phase is, sometimes not. More often than not there's confusion and uncertainty as your drop one thing, before picking up another. What is life like without being addicted self help? It served its purpose and now you're ready to move on. Paradoxically, it can be beneficial to just sit with the confusion and uncertainty and ride it out - it's like a kind of grieving process. The impulse can be to try and fix things or find an immediate solution or replacement, but this can be stressful and unproductive.

@Preety_India I always thought friends should be more about giving than receiving.

@BornToBoil even if you're quite introverted and find people exhausting, you will still meet lots of people over time. The secret is to be open with the people you meet and be interested in them. You don't need to be fake though, some people are just not that interesting, don't pretend. Being open just means talking about yourself more, and finding things in common with other people and doing things together. If people don't find you interesting, then don't worry they're not going to be your best friend, move on. It also takes a long time to make good friends with people. I mean it can take months or even years. This is completely normal. I've met many people that I didn't get along with for months or I wasn't interested in, only to make really good friends with them in the long run. You need patience. Also, you shouldn't expect anything from friends, instead you should give them the things you want. So you want a relationship where you help each other out in challenging situations. In that case you should be the first one to volunteer to help. In fact helping people out is an excellent way to make good friends. You have to live and embody the values you want in a best friend, even before you meet the best friend.

May as well believe in heaven and God, just in case: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pascal's_wager

More like: "Emptiness is having the experience of somebody".

@Tim Ho I don't want to derail the thread, but I'm going to. No. Something always stops me from be able to: blocked toilets, can't find toilet, flooded toilet floors etc. It's both disgusting and annoying . It's probably a hangover from too many clubs and festivals IRL.

For me it's that time really doesn't exist. It sort of crept up on me and took me by surprise. Detaching from time is immensely freeing and I feel a lot lighter. And the implications are mind blowing, the main one being that "this" is all just nothing. Another is that I was created just now fully formed. Another insight which I had more recently, I can't even really put into words. But it's something like, all qualia are relative to each other, it's the contrast between them that makes them exist. And what creates the contrast in the first place is awareness being aware of itself. Something like that.

@Tim Ho I never thought of peeing as a special power. I don't think I can unsee that insight ever again.

It's a bit like trying to imagine what it's like to be a 99 year old. You have an idea, but you don't really know. So you go and talk to a 99 year old. You can see they're old and you ask them questions and they tell you all about it and their answers seem genuine. But you still don't really know. The only way to know for certain what enlightenment is like, is to wait until it happens. My guess is that it won't give you superpowers or take you to a magical dimension. But what it probably will do, is obliterate who and what you think you are.

Propaganda crumbles under the weight of facts. To counter propaganda and fake news, you need to keep yourself well informed. You also need a healthy sceptisism: don't just blindly believe everything you come across, apply judgement.

Who is King? Knowledge or intuition? I think it's safe to say that we all lie somewhere on the spectrum between cherishing knowledge or going with the flow of intuition. On the extremes of the spectrum it can be difficult for one type of person to understand the other. Knowledge hoarders are happy to pull out information and science and "hard truth" to advance their arguments. The intuitive types will gaffaw at the ridiculousness of relying on the word of other people that knowledge implies. Maybe I'm caricaturing for effect a little bit. I do suspect that those who rely on intuition don't see knowledge acquisition as a prerequisite to being able to get on in life. Dare I say, that these are the artists, actors, healers and earthy dreadlock wearing types? On the converse the knowledge mongers are the stiff analytical libriarians and accountants of the world. The average Joe is somewhere inbetween. Really, knowledge and intuition are not diemetrically opposed forces, it's possible to be in touch with and encourage both. If you believe in evolution and a 15 billion year journey to get from the Big Bang to you, then your body innately has a nearly infinite amount of knowledge. This has been accumulated in your DNA and its expression in matter over that time period (ok, DNA is not 15 billion years old, but DNA had its precursors). Is it possible to consciously tap into that tacit biological knowledge (a.k.a. intuition)? One way to tap into intuition is through a process of priming. This is where knowledge comes in. Knowledge in itself is just a web of connecting truths (facts) about the the world. In a sense this is codified explicit intuition. By explicit I mean consciously generated and investigated. The taking in and learning of facts is on the whole a mentally labour intensive process; whilst it comes naturally to learn certain things, such as walking and language, other things such as Quantum Mechanics are hard and unnatural. It's no surprise that we give people awards and certificates for the acquisition of knowledge: it's hard and takes a lot of time. Given enough mental - or even physical - effort, knowledge can become automatic. After nearly 40 years of programming I can honestly say, that my fluency in it is close to that of my English speaking. This is the priming I'm talking about. That hard work has paid off in my ability to "intuit" programming solutions. And so it is with other areas of intuition. Knowledge may be scary and hard and pointless, but get over the hump of learning and it gets transformed into intuition itself. Naturally things work both ways. Intuition primes the acquisition of knowledge. Really, intuition guides attention. I became a programmer precisely because my childhood intuition guided my focus into all things symbolic. A virtuous loop got set up. For a proper balance and an ever upward tractory both the acquisition of knowledge and a strong reliance on intuition are a must. One informs the other.

To sharpen the sensation of impending death, just look at life expectancy in your nation (thanks Google). Plenty of nice graphs and maps there: https://ourworldindata.org/life-expectancy

Never mind about @Leo Gura. What are your personal biggest flaws, especially when it comes to using the forum? Here's some of mine: I don't post enough questions. I don't always bother to read all responses in a thread. I get irritated when someone misunderstands or twists what I'm trying to say. The non-duality this and that are the same, and everything is relative non-answers drive me insane. I use too much flowery language. I'm sure I have more of them.

I went through a phase over a decade ago where I would cry at the drop of a hat. I would be in the car say listening to some music and I would have tears streaming down my face. Some would say that I was having a nervous breakdown, which is obviously not a DSM recognised condition, but it would have summed me up nicely at the time. In my insanity at the time, what was making me blub? It was really about feeling an intense beauty in everything. It was like electricty coursing through my body which I couldn't subdue, sometimes it was overwhelming. I've always been more sensitive to music than other modalities, so that would often tip me over the edge. Obviously, socially, it's not the done thing for a grown man to start crying for no reason, and the worst place was work. I would be working, and suddenly I would just be overwhelmed. I often had to leave the room and just walk and breathe to keep myself under control. At home I would just let loose. Films especially were bad. It was intense and awkward at times. What was going on? The flipside is that I also had a real drive to both fill my environment with beautiful things and to create beauty in my world. It was the only time I bought prints of famous paintings and had them framed. I still have them hung up. In hindsight I was having some sort of enlightenment experience. The side effect of that was that my emotional body was re-calibrating. Before that point I had always been very controlled and distinctly un-emotional, it simply wasn't in my repertoire to feel or express strong emotions. I was confused for a long while, like suddenly the emotional lights had been turned on and I was dazzled by them. The crying and the desire for beauty slowly faded over time, and the re-calibration had run its course. Occasionally I still cry at films or an emotional tune, but it doesn't overwhelm me any more. And I've become a more balanced and caring invididual than I was in my twenties and thirties. I can also see that the world is still a beautiful place, you only have to look.

@modmyth what a gorgeous death that would be. You can nearly taste the stillness and gloom. If I know that death is coming, shouldn't it be simple and beautiful?

This made me think of this painting for some reason (Ophelia by Millais): There's a kind of surrender and serenity to it. Anyway, not sure what I was trying to convey other than my spontaneous thought.

@Nahm thanks I take the compliment. I'm just practising some altruism and trying to hold up a non-judgemental mirror. Or something like that! Thanks to everyone so far for your wonderful open and frank answers. Keep 'em coming.