LastThursday

@PureRogueQ No, well spotted. It just arose from nowhere and subsided into no-nothing.

@Inliytened1 thanks mate. These free will questions drive me to insanity. My personal opinion? No free will. More accurately, God has free will and you are God.

Ah Jesus. For the first time in what like literally decades, I've decided to stay awake all night. It's super tempting to go for a walk at nearly 2 am here in UK land. But it's probably effing freezing. One day I may well recount my story of tonight on here in this uber-public journal. But not right now. Read my journal in depth and between the lines to get behind the story. 2am walks were de rigeur in my twenties, usually home from a club. I've broken several @LastThursday rules today, and engaged my kink. Three double shots of brandy and a pint of beer, so far. Gotta admit I'm feeling kind of liberated, not so much by the alcohol, although that helps. Let's just say expressing a side of my identity I seldom express is a relief. At least I haven't engaged with caffeine, that's a sweaty lightheaded wide eyed bunny insomnia I've avoided. Lockdown has been brutal. I've just looked at these four walls for a year solid. Human contact has be 2d for the most part. But I've been able to connect 3d with some friends and my mum (bless her). I've patrolled the environs of Tunbridge Wells like a security guard during lockdown, mostly as an exercise in exercise. There's a historical phrase for patrolling county boundaries but for the life of me I can't find it on my favourite search engine. I find myself here more often than I find myself at work. What does that say? Whatever it is being here brings me, is more important than work. My intuition is literally screaming at me and yet my rationality is saying fuck off, stick with job, earn money, have warmth and anaesthesia. I have previously succumbed to intuition and not particularly regretted it, but it wasn't sustainable. Like it or not I'm inculcated in Brit society, there's a lot of lateral leniency in what I can do, but not quite enough for me. I must get my fucking Spanish dual nationality, that way I can bypass the Brexit bollocks. But I have to live a year in Spain to do it. Try doing that at 48. No gracias, es muy dificil. 02:42. More browsing.

@Preety_India girl, your written use of English is superb, forget the disorder. Ok, alright, naturally, there's always room for improvement in any discipline. Here's a few things I use in writing, for what it's worth: Three word lists. Sex is like sunshine, thunder and rainbows. My favourite foods are omelettes, sushi and steaks. Alliteration. Sensusal suffering sadists. Improvising imperious imps. I often succeed in social settings. I think I thought that I was intelligent. Five or six sentence paragraphs. Interjection. Despite my hunger - which was self induced - I held off from eating. I enjoy dressing in pretty clothes, mostly on Sundays, but my boyfriend hates it. My religion (Islam) doesn't allow me eat pork. Metaphor, analogy and simile. Self developement is like a tomato plant, it always bears fruit. She sang like a nightingale. Skating on thin ice is dangerous, you're skating on thin ice Mr. Tell a story, beginning, middle and end with punchline. Morality stories are good. Metaphors are good, where the metaphor is realised at the end. Story tryptich: tell them what's coming, tell them what the story is, summarise or recap what you said. News stories are invariably delivered this way. Disjointed concepts. She whispered with her cherry red lips and my love blossomed. Repeated phonemes. What's not anticipated in today's culture will suprise us in future. I'm sure there's loads more. Practise, practise, practise (three word repeation for emphasis).

Self hypnosis, Fiona is good: Or this one works wonders on my Monkey Mind (if I don't actually fall asleep): Or ambient music.

What's your kink? Patent pink leather high heeled shoes. Black opaque tights. Long striaght black hair. Blue eyes. Gold in abundance. Tights? I mean stockings, thigh high. Enough for a handful, C or D. Confidence and knows their own mind. Skin colour optional. Must have energy and verve somwhat sill humour. Ablilty to laugh easily and show some teeth. Good with tongue. No pouting. No horses, pets, or familiar exes. If can speak several languages or can sing or play an instrument or all of those, then that makes me intellecutally wet. In fact anyone that can outdo me in the word department. Must be able to run hand through hair and it just flows. Vertical length has varying different effects. Acreage and smoothness is something to get lost in. Compactness is better for enveloping and sending to ecstatic bliss. Curly haired can be kink too, but must be wavy for best effect. Sensually wavy like actual ocean waves. Dress wearing, everything flowing as one, no dijoint aspects. Enjoys sunshine water sand surf exhibitionism. High maintenance exterior low maintenance interior. Must travel must wield a hammer or power tools must be able to change a bulb or a plug without assistance. Not bitter, a bitch, unhinged, neurotic, astrological, new age or offwith the faries. Dark and heavy eye liner with a flick. No eyebrow plucking whatsoever. Tatoos must be strategic or everywhere. Did I mention smooth and translucent skin? Must enjoy makeup as a form of expression rather than a mask. Must be able to go completely natural. Intelligence is a bonus, especially if can outdo me. And a bit of kink goes a long way. @Leo Nordin how did I do? Marks out of ten please. Categories are Letting Loose, Intellectual Disection, and Attachment to Patterns of Thinking. P.S. Fuck I forgot, must love pink.

@Leo Nordin you're very kind. I only edit spelling mistakes and missing words. You see my fingers have a mind of their own. I don't generally edit anything else, it comes out all in one go. For example my love letter was done in one go without editing at all - not even spelling mistakes - that was most definitely me letting loose. But you are definitely right, if you want to communicate well you have to put things together well, sometimes choosing a better word helps. It's all about improving my communication skills as much as possible. Plus, I've always fancied myself as a writer, but don't have the passion for it. This spills over into other things. If you notice where you go wrong or make mistakes or could have done things differently, then you should correct yourself for next time. It's a simple and effective strategy. Anyway just for you, my next post will be completely unedited and loose, warts and all.

@Leo Nordin you're going have to be more specific with your requests.

We all are all born by the magic of the universe. But we are reproduced nonetheless. Our bodies are a mix of our parents' bodies. Jesus was in the shape of a man. Moses in the form of a baby.

Materially: reproduction. Spiritually: uncovering the absolute nature of reality. As to why? None of us would be here without reproduction. And without the absolute, there isn't a reason for our existence.

What's the best strategy to win a game? Depends on the game right? What happens when the game is real life? Take sex, attraction and finding a mate or even plain just finding a friend. Is there a best strategy? The answer appears to be no. For every good logical strategy there's an alternative non-intuitive strategy. I use the word strategy because I'm talking about games. Let's talk about chess for example. What are the basic intuitive strategies in chess? Well the most obvious one is to take your opponent's piece if possible. Of course you have to maneouvre yourself so that you can actually take a piece. The second is blocking, where you intentionally block your opponent from being able to maneouvre into position. These two basic strategies can then be piled up on to each other by both sides. A pawn can be pinned where there are a series of threats and blocks leading to a position were either side finds it hard to act. Are there any unintuitive strategies in chess? A slightly less so one, is pawn promotion, where you doggedly push the pawn forward until it hits the last rank and turns into a powerful queen. Another is to reduce your chances of blocking yourself by sacrificing pieces. Maybe another is to play quickly or slowly to confound your opponent's pace. The non-intuitive strategies are endless. And so it is in real life. In reality the number of options available are large in any one moment. To employ a one size fits all strategy is both unimaginative and can be innefective or at least less efficacious. Real life requires imagination, improvisation, lateral thinking and risk taking in addition to convention or tried and tested methods. But just as playing chess is an endless process of mastery, so is finding your next girlfriend or life partner.

@Preety_India you're so sweet, you make this old Brit's heart feel younger. @Leo Nordin I ask myself that question every day and get a different answer each time.

I'm on a roll... A Love Letter To Nobody I can't stop thinking about you. That first time you were an apparition of beauty and sensuality. I was transfixed, but then immediately I blushed at my uncontrolled emotion. I thought I had temporarily gone insane. You saw me as translucently as glass smeared with my embarrassment and childlike fascination. I knew that you knew, it was unbearable, I was blissful and euphoric. When you decided to bring your cherry red lips close and whisper those words I shall never forget, my love for you blossomed and has been unshaken ever since. I do believe I have become lost to you and unable to return or even remember that insignificant former incarnation. When did we become one? That first day we awoke together exposed and at each other's mercy? That second day your laughter took hold of my soul? I don't know. I don't want to know. This love is not something to unknot with fleeting thoughts. I love you.

Is it possible to name God? Surely, that's what I've just done? Slapping a label on something doesn't exactly tell you what that something is. The other problem is that the label must be attached to something that is definable. Here's where we come unstuck. To name God we must define God otherwise we're just playing word games and getting nowhere. What I mean by this is that we can band around "God" as if we knew what is being talked about; but in actuality not having defined what God is, we don't actually know what we're talking about - this is a problem. Ok, let God be defined as everything. Very good, nice and simple and we can state that whatever we choose to focus on, that is God. So then there's the small problem of parts or whole. If God is everything and we concentrate on a small part of that everything, say an apple, is that apple God or not? If not, then if we take two apples, is that God? If we go on taking larger and larger numbers of fruit and throw in cows and sheep and people and and and... is that God? Clearly there's something fishy going on. Ok, let's change our minds, let's say an apple is a part of God. Is that God? No. God is everything (that's the definition), an apple is an apple. Ok let's shift our definition. Let God be composed of parts that when taken altogether go to make up God. Good. God is the set of all parts taken together. So is God one thing or many things? What else is like God? Hmm. How about consciousness? Yet another label, yet another definition. So substitute "consciousness" for "God" in the above and rinse and repeat. Where does this get us? Well if God is everything and consciousness is everything, then surely they must be identical? They are two labels pointing to the same definition. Notice that the problem here is not the labels, but the definition. Everything means everything without exclusion: objects, thoughts, memories, smells and so on. Included in that definition however, is the concept of everything itself (now we're on really shaky ground), this is because all concepts are included in everything. We can indeed have a definition that includes itself (for example a fractal). But it's not at all clear that our direct experience of consciousness includes itself (you know what I'm talking about eh, or do you?). This is were the map is not good enough to describe the territory. The concept of everything is simply not up to the task of describing our supposedly concious experience. Consciousness cannot describe consciousness (!). It is possible to name God. But what we think the word refers to is only a map to an indescribable territory. Words are not powerful enough.

No. It's the nature of reality. Stuff happens when it happens, not before, not after, there is no free will, there is no need to try and control or manipulate anything. As the folks say here often everything is perfect. It's the nature of self-help that you can't know something before you know it, and you can't be aware of what you're not aware of - that's what makes it so difficult and hard to get traction. We are ignorant of the depth of our ignorance, but it's only with hindsight we realise how much we didn't understand. There's only three ways to gain knowledge and self understanding: Someone tells you. You discover it (by accident). You uncover it (by deduction). The last one is weird but think of it like this: what's the area of a triangle with sides 3, 4, 5? It's obvious the triangle has a definite area, but it requires some sort of deduction or method or drug or whatever to realise the answer which is in plain sight.

Self awareness. Which can only be gained by a lot introspection and meditation:

I often think about age, it's said that it's just a number. The problem I have with age is one of emdodiment. I feel like there's kind of double standard that goes on whereby other people are "old", but you yourself feel "young". It's a peculiar effect, because you look in the mirror and lo and behold there is an old(er) guy looking back at you. Don't get me wrong I know that I look young for my age, one of my exes told me as much - she thought I was ten years younger, it's not self bias honestly! But I can't deny my history, that alone tips the scales. I can say, that for myself my mindset is really stuck in the 1980's. It's not that I'm old fashioned per se, I'm very up with how the world functions right now and very much part of it; however, the 80's were my formative years, the years where I became me and when my essential nature took hold. It's like the core part of my operating system was etched into me then. For example most of the music on my iPod is from the 80's, despite having a wide range in musical tastes. I know nearly nothing of the popular music of the last twenty years, it just doesn't gel with me in any way, although one or two songs stand out. Or, if I watch old TV shows from the 80's it feels totally natural, the fashion of the time doesn't seem odd to me. It nearly feels like I went to sleep on 31st December 1989 and just woke up on 7th March 2021. It's not quite that jarring, but you get the picture. So despite living and breathing in 2021, I feel like a time tourist who ended up in a foreign place. I suppose I should be thankful I wasn't born in 1923, the difference between then and 1972 would have been enormous, I wonder how my grandmother felt? I was born in 1972 and she would have been my age then. I'm certainly very different to the teenager I was in the 80's in a lot of ways though. But those differences are mostly natural progression rather than the result of doing solid work. For example, most of my confidence is just the result of having had lots of experience in dealing with people and situations. And, I'm a lot more emotionally stable than I was back then, but that's largely due to circumstances then and having a stable life right now. The largest difference is really one of understanding the world in all it's different aspects and that naturally changes your approach to it. Other differences from teenagehood are that I'm a lot less anxious and a lot less emotionally needy. But I also feel as though I lost some of that spark and energy I used to have, and that high optimism that all my troubles were just temporary and there were golden days ahead. That spark and energy is something I would dearly love to embody again, but work life and social life just simply don't allow me to express that any more, I'm expected to behave like "my age", I've had my time. So is there a better way to compare ages and get a feel for how us older people understand time? Yes, and that is to use a logarithmic measure of age (my nerdiness was born in the 80's). The formula I'll use is 50 x log(age), which really captures how you should think of ages and how to really compare them: Age 5: 35 Age 10: 50 Age 15: 59 Age 20: 65 Age 30: 74 Age 40: 80 Age 50: 85 Age 60: 89 Age 70: 92 Age 80: 95 Age 90: 98 Age 100: 100

Insist on a video call for interviews. Trust me some employers will see this as initiative. If they won't bite, then feed back to them and suggest that they're losing potential candidates by not providing video interviews. Job done. Take back control.

There's only one way to cure it. Work in a call centre. Joking aside, I hate talking on the phone too. In fact I prefer any other type of communication to it. I give talking on the phone a 1 out of 10. Getting philosophical about it, I think I hate it because there are no cues to let you know how to guide the conversation, and how to end it. Also it's very immediate and there's no thinking time. Also the kind of the people that like using phones are talkers (auditorily lead, in NLP speak), and I'm not really a talker, I'm a thinker and more visually lead. Also on a phone call there is generally no record of it, so people make stuff up about what happened on a phone call. Phones: just say no. Just to actually answer the question: there are a ton of other options available nowadays, just avoid calling on the phone - suggest Zoom, email, etc.

True that!

Anger or more specifically agression would be biological and related to testosterone levels - but has been culturally appropriated.

@Haumea2018 I get your point, personally I don't have an opinion on the hypochrisy one way or the other. Other people here might. But I think the stigma arises because there is an expectation, and probably high chance, that a man in his thirties and older is already married. So the thinking goes that he's mostly likely only having an affair with someone so young; because what has she got to offer the man other than her youthful looks and body? I also think the stigma is almost always against the older man and not the younger woman, for the reason I've just given. He's trespassing on the sanctity of marriage. The younger woman is being exploited by the older man, not vice versa. You can argue about single older men, but they're few and far between. Amongst my many friends in their 40s and 50s, there are only two of us single blokes. Even for a single older man, the assumption is still that they're married and just looking for an illicit affair with a 19 year old.

And the other dirty secret is of course, those MUCH older men enjoy the attention. But, being a much older man you would wisely consider your options (and probably your wife and children) before engaging.

@roopepa a lot of us get backed into a corner by our circumstances and society, and we don't feel like we can express our true nature. You already know what your true nature is: You just need to step out of your own way.

Being social is necessary. Social media is not. Email only took hold with the internet around 1994. Myspace and Facebook in the 2000s. Before that the only social media was writing a letter to your overseas pen pal or writing a letter to a TV show or gossiping on the telephone. Yes, there were bulletin boards and email way back in the 1980s, but they were for rich tech nerds - you needed an acoustic coupler, a computer (a novelty) and deep pockets for the phone bill. Saying that, like all other technology once it's mainstream society can't function without it. Try doing anything without cars or email. So social media will be around for a while, but Facebook and the like will be taken over by others in time. The serious problem with Facebook (and others) is that they are advertising agencies in all but name. They're not interested in the people they serve, other than to simply squeeze money out of them by tracking their every transaction and targeting them or selling their data. They're metaphorically selling you crack to get you addicted to their services. That addiction can be a problem for society: for example just look at the ferocious bullying that happens in schools though social media. So there is definitely room for a more imaginative and higher conscious social media platform - one that doesn't hoodwink its clients - one that protects younger users. That's not to say they shouldn't make money, but they should do so transparently.