LastThursday

I must remember that for next time ARSS. Maybe Ejaculation at the end of it. Sorry, ignore me, carry on.

Another dose from the infinite @LastThursday well of observation. Coping With Attraction In my younger years I used to have a different style towards attraction. I used to love pubs, clubs and crowds in general - I still do to a lesser extent. One reason for it, was that where I lived in Brighton, there was a large student population. I wasn't much older myself, having just gone through the student mill. My favourite activity was basically oggling at girls. I was fairly shameless, but it was so much fun. I think I just enjoyed the visual variety and the exchange of glances and the occasional conversation. However, it was always window shopping, I somehow didn't exude whatever intoxicant (charisma, confidence etc) the female sex needed, the young women just enjoyed the flattery. Forward wind a decade or two and something happened. Inbetween girlfriends I would still go to pubs and clubs and oggle and sometimes engage. It was a favourite activity of mine to chat slightly drunkenly to as many girls in clubs as I could get away with. I say chat, most of it was gesticulation. I still didn't get much luck other than the odd kiss and dance - although, my intention was always purely the sensory overload mixed in with sexual frisson - rather than getting laid, although that would have been a bonus. I've always been one for messing about with sensory experiences (note to self never do hard drugs Guillermo!). So. What happened eventually, was that my taste in young women with good skin and pert bodies, never really changed, but I did. I think it happened in my late thirties, say 38, I became painfully aware that I was old (comparitively). It's taken me ten years to get over that pain and I'm still coping with it. My tastes well, there's nothing I can do about biology. I can't force myself to fancy a wrinkly, fake tanned 48 year old, who dyes her hair. However, what has changed is my need to oggle and get my cheap thrills that way. Don't get me wrong, if an attractive woman (of any age) crosses my path, then whatever happens happens, I'm not going to stop it. But I've found that my focus has completely changed. It's hard to describe, but I'm a lot more present than I was previously. This means I'm focused on conversation and completely on the people I'm with, I'm not distracted and "out there" gawping at girls. This is a result of a lot of work, meditation, and just learning to be present at all times. I found something flipped this weekend. I went out for a birthday meal in a pub tucked away in a village. Naturally, I was dressed up, I always scrub up well as they say here. The young waitress asked for our drinks order and she didn't the know the drinks selection well enough, I got up went to the bar and told her what I wanted. I found her attractive, but thought no more about it (oh how I've changed). After a while, I noticed that from the corner of the adjoining room she was looking over at me. I just suspected she was being attentive just in case our table needed something. But no she was definitely eyeing me up. I was definitely flattered, and the shoe was now on the other foot. I tried to play it cool and not fall back into old habits, but couldn't help the odd glance. Anyway. Whatever I didn't used to exude when I was younger, I do now (well at least sometimes apparently). I think what I'm giving out is a confident-I-don't-give-a-fuck-non-needy demeanor. Maybe it's true some young women just like older men. Who knows? The thing is, what to do about it? Do I just take the hot heat of disapproval of society and my peers and just date a string of young women? Mid-life crisis anyone? Nah, I'm over my crisis I wrung it out for all it had. Nothing I can do about biology, and pertness and energy. Does a beautiful young woman have anything to offer me? Are you kidding? Hahaha. Do I have anything to offer a young woman, yup, my handsome looks, money, and keen intelligence. Oh, and spirituality, that too.

I suppose in a rational light some emotions are negative and some positive and some neutral. Although even seemingly negative emotions can have a positive intent behind them. I would say that a negative emotion is just a signal that something is out of balance, so complaining is a way to redress that balance. It seems to me that you'd have to be superhuman not to be able to feel any negativity, but expressing is different. Emotional mastery comes into it, and knowing when and when not to express an emotion. And as soon as an emotion is expressed, then it's completely open to interpretation, it may be seen in a negative or positive light depending on the people involved. Just my two pennies' worth.

Constantly. It's the most annoying thing ever (if pressing F5 can be seen as annoying). But I know why it's done: to save on server resources.

There seems to be no expiration to log ins on multiple devices. In other words, once you've logged in with a device you stay logged in forever (on that device) until you log out again. It can look like you're logged out because as @cookiemonster says you will get served a cached version (local copy) of a page unless you press refresh in the browser. The cached version of the page can be one from where you were logged out before.

Oh yeah, don't get me wrong, it's all manipulation. It just depends on whether the manipulation is beneficial or not. Generally, being outraged and complaining about an injustice is about reducing suffering for the complainant in the long term. But you have to be strategic and take a systems view of these things. Is your reduction in suffering more than the increase in suffering for the persons carrying out the supposed injustice? I'm guessing that it's not always obvious.

I hate to bring Spiral Dynamics into this (I don't really), but I wonder if happiness is different at the different stages? I like the video it's simple and soundbighty, but strikes me as a very Stage Orange way of being happy. For example, happiness is not a commodity, it is neither found or created (Orange). Perhaps happiness is a process dependent on many factors (Yellow)? Perhaps happiness is empowering people to have opportunities in life (Green). Perhaps happiness is realising that life is a dream (Turquoise). Just my random thoughts.

That's real love right there. Hopefully she gets the hint. Anyway, I'm out of here. No more joking around. Good luck.

Erm... go to the gym 4 times a week? Sorry I got nothing else. My only other observation is that couples will often copy each other as a form of bonding. If you're scrolling, then it gives your girlfriend a free pass for her to do it too (and vice versa). If you can lead by example and stop doing it yourself, maybe she will stop doing it too?

I would agree that all these are undesirable behaviours on the whole. But isn't there a space for them to be used strategically or in moderation? Sometimes getting riled and authentically complaining about an injustice can be beneficial. Maybe. Dunno.

Man, that's a big question. It needs someone with more wisdom than me to answer it really. I would ask it as a separate question. But being your own independent person helps. Do you have any activities, sports, hobbies or anything like that going on? Doing or buying nice things for yourself helps. Catching any negative self talk and stopping that helps (using meditation). Maybe daily positive affirmations. Dressing well, keeping hygenic and so on. Really, just being the best version of yourself you can be. Being actualized. EDIT The man himself has some advice in this area:

That's normal and healthy, if you weren't triggered then I'd say you were in the wrong relationship. Some women would even like to know that you're triggered by it, because it shows you're into them and you're prepared to fight for them. I don't like this sort of behaviour personally, but each to their own. Be aware that you may be being tested this way. Anyway, either you trust your girlfriend or you don't. If you decide to trust her, then you have to keep a lid on your feelings and do it 100%. Just have clear boundaries for yourself, trust her, but if she messes about then cut things off immediately. Make it clear to her that's what you would do.

If you can, approach groups of women, especially in club situations. Always decide on one woman you find attractive in the group. Approach her less attractive friends (it's easier) and ask them questions about the woman you find attractive, make it blatantly obvious you are doing this. Get the friend(s) to introduce you, they may even be excited about doing this. Honestly, it's not going to work every time, but it does work and it's much easier than approaching directly.

Yeah I feel your pain. I think when you feel insecure in yourself and you're with someone you find beautiful, then it can be hard to believe it. It can be hard to believe that they find you beautiful back. You don't feel worthy of their love and you can't trust what they say because of it. You have to work on that. The best way to work on it, is to learn to love yourself for who you are. Imagine you are your girlfriend, what would you find attractive about yourself? I've had a hot girlfriend once, and she would regularly go see single guy friends. One she went dancing with, and one was a chef and he would cook for her. It gnawed away it me, but I never said anything about it, because she had the right to talk to and be friends with whomever she liked, it was none of my business. She liked the fact that I trusted her, it allowed her to be herself and that's true love. At the end of the day, she's with you and not some other man. And if she goes with some other man, then just move on.

Deconstruction or wage slavery which one shall I talk about? Hmm... I'll alternate the paragraphs for a lark. A thought came back to me recently in discussion with a friend of mine. It's one that I'd put to the back of my mind for a long time, but it's appeal is still there nonetheless. It is, to work for only three days a week. The main pressure against doing it is of course money. It really boils down to how I want to live my life in the future. See my Restructuring posts in this journal for an in depth analysis of that. In short I have no answer to that question, I have no idea and no immediate motivation to know what to do with my life. This is pretty unsexy for most people (aka potential partners, sigh), and to be honest is fairly unsexy to that Stage Orange part of me, but my Stage Yellow+ parts don't give AF - it's nothing to do with me, but it's systemic, ha! There's a Deconstruction thread somewhere in the forum. I did think about posting my musings in there, but to be honest it would get lost in the pseudo-philosophical toing and froing that normally happens there - the forum is for soundbites, the journal is for in-depth analysis of current affairs. Anyway. Where was I? Deconstruction. As I've mentioned quite recently I have a love for deconstructing abstract ideas, that should be obvious just by reading my journal. The first thought about deconstructing deconstruction, is whether it is a reductionist process or not. I mean, the word deconstruction sounds like reducing one big blob into lots of little smaller blobs, in the hope the smaller blobs are more comprehensible. But actually it's not about reductionism at all. It's about focus or bringing to the fore ideas and mechanisms not previously noticed, it's an additive process. This is how learning of any sorts takes place, there's a kind of ratchet effect which takes place with learning (and increasing awareness). If I were to go part time, this first thing that anyone will scream at me is: why? Especially, since I have no intention of filling those two extra days with any wage paying activity whatsoever (not in the short time anyway). The logic my peers throw at me is: if you're not doing anything at all for those two extra days, why not just work and get paid, are you crazy? Of course, it only seems crazy from a certain viewpoint. What isn't realised is that any time worked it time lost forever (putting aside arguments about time itself), realistically money is not a good recompense for time used. Seen in this light, I would actually be gaining back something more valuable than money itself: freedom. Naturally freedom is completely relative, the sort of freedom I'm after is the space to think, play, research and just develop myself generally. All of that stuff however is nothing to do with Stage Orange and capitalist and societal ideas, but my ideas and my wants and desires. I want freedom to be me, my way. Really, Deconstruction is mislabeled in this context. It should be more accurately called Reconstruction. That is really what the Construct Aware stage of the Ego Development model is all about. It's about taking a thing - say love - and really examining it deeply, in order to learn more about it and raise greater awareness of it. The first place to start any deconstruction, is to look at the words being used. Language has a large distorting effect on everything. A word like "love" is very overloaded with meaning, but also at the same time is very nebulous. You should always be very wary of these types of words, further examples are: god, everything, consciousness, time, work, good, happiness, bad, develop, higher, lower. Comparatitive words are especially pernicious, because there is almost some type of oneupmanship (Leo's: devilry) going on - distrust them all when deconstructing: higher consciousness, levels of awakening, greater intelligence and so on (all bullshit). Can I actually afford to cut my wages by two fifths? Probably, but I haven't sat down and done the calculations. Can I actually cope with the same workload in less days? That's an interesting question. I know for a certain fact that I "waste" a lot of time when I should be working. Most of this is because I'm not being kept tabs on working from home, I no longer have to exercise presenteeism. On the flip side I am just about managing to keep up with the important work which comes in. I'm fairly autonomous is how I do my work and I get to choose which bits of work I deem to be priority and which can be quietly brushed under the carpet. I like this state of affairs, but really it's a consequence of my client being super disorganised and largely ineffectual at planning and communication - everything is now, everything is last minute, everything is important. If my client could be convinced that the important things would get done in three days, they would probably be more than happy to pay me 3/5ths wages. If you can get past the quagmire of words, then deconstruction can happen more smoothly. The comparison I like to make is learning a new subject, especially a technical one. You spend 90% of the time just learning jargon, as if that is actually learning anything at all! And the same goes for deconstruction, you spend 90% of the time just going round in circles with the meanings and definitions of words (aka the forum), but the real juice is the actual deconstruction and the 10%. To deconstruct "love" say, forget about the word itself: instead go directly to the meat, love points to a sensation or emotion, just sit and be with that emotion and understand it for what it is. Proper deconstruction is actually a process of being, which requires large swathes of time to incorporate and learn from. Proper deconstruction is a process of noticing too. Notice how love manifests itself in all its different ways and understand what the thread that joins all those ways is leading to. In a strong sense, deconstruction is not something that can be talked about, because as soon as you do, you're in that 90% lost in words. I have no particular intention for not being at work for four days out of every seven. But I do know for a certain fact that that freedom will lead to better things (comparitive word alert!) in the long run. But, I also know for a certain fact that the times I didn't work at all, I kind of floundered, because I didn't really have anything to anchor my days: I'm a dreamer not a doer. However, even having a small anchor point stops me from drifting about too much, and having four days a week to think about how to lead a different life will eventually pay for itself. Maybe I can even start working for myself and escape wage slavery altogether (or at least escape being told what to do and how much to do).

Yup. Not only do you suffer, but so do the people you complain to. I guess it's the all down to wanting the world to be a certain way, but the world has other plans. It's a lack of presence.

Awakening has absolutely nothing to do with authority and being limited.

If it were possible to jump around in time or repeat events, then we could say that time exists as a one dimensional stream - a bit like jumping around a YouTube video and replaying the same bits of video. Clearly, if you could jump around (time travel) then everything physically would have to be repeatable. All the positions of atoms in the universe and so on would have to be in exactly the same place to repeat the same events again. Also, there would have to be an observer to observe the same events again. You could argue that an event could have many conscious observers. Let's make things simple and say you time travel backwards into your younger self (not someone else's consciousness) to yesterday at 9 am. The question now arises, do you still know that you've time travelled? Say your memories are intact from yesterday at 9 am up until the point you time travelled a day later (now). That would mean the younger you of yesterday (after time travelling) would have knowledge of the future. This doesn't seem right, because the first time you experienced 9 am yesterday, you didn't have knowledge of the future. Therefore the first 9 am is different from the time travel 9 am. So there are several ways to fix up the problem: 1. Time travel (backwards) wipes your memory of the future. 2. Consciousness is outside of time (not affected by time travel, and by extension separate from physical reality) 3. Time isn't linear, and you can never time travel back to the exact same state (arrangement of atoms etc, because your consciousness affects future arrangements) 4. Time doesn't exist at all and it's not possible to time travel 5. You did actually have sudden knowledge of the future the first time at 9 am, and knew that you'd time travelled. But because of this you don't know if this is the first time or the millionth time you've travelled. Personally, I like number 4. But if materialism is wrong and there is only consciousness, then number 2 is the same as number 4.

Colour perception is all about context: https://www.ted.com/talks/beau_lotto_optical_illusions_show_how_we_see#t-228783 There is no absolute red or blue. In a way, you're asking the wrong question. You should be asking: why is colour different from sounds or touch or taste. But even here things can get murky: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synesthesia

By definition.

@Preety_India I'll miss you if you leave and I'm sure many others will too, keep moving forwards and growing, don't look back.

I think a part of my psyche is intoxicated by the idea of embodying different people. The normal analogy of conscious experience is the cinema film reel, where each frame is the present moment frozen in time. This idea is useful as a way to shift the paradigm you may be stuck in, in which you believe yourself to be a person with a unique set of beautiful characteristics and flaws. In that paradigm, you interact with others in a sort of default way without much thought, you embody "you" at all times. At different times, differing parts of "your" character get amplified, and in this way it seems there are "parts" to yourself vying for attention and recognition: there's a drunk you, a happy you, a morose you, a go getter you, and a slob you. The cinema reel analogy has a fatalistic view of life built into it, because each frame is immutable and preset way into the future; it would seem the film of your life is already predestined. When you start to question this fatalistic view of life it seems impossible to wriggle out of, and no matter what you do, it was always fate in the end. In the end you succumb to its charms and glibly concede that there is no observer or observed, no will and no freedom. Suddenly, you are told to spin things around and imagine that no, you are not the frames of present moments, but the celluloid in which the frames are exposed. You are in fact the very material in which fate itself is shaped. And in that spin around of paradigms you wrest back control and freedom from the hands of fate herself. "You" are satisfied and blissful: for a time. Yet, you become disatisfied again. All this talk of films and frames and celluloid is all so one dimensional and mechanistic. Can we swap paradigms once again and instead we play with light himself? It is not the film at all which breathes life into the frames, it is the light which shines through it. Light is just that, light and insubstantial and yet infinitely malleable and real. Just as a lump of clay can be sculpted into many things, so can the light of you become many different things. Seen in this light, your beautiful characteristics and flaws are simply like light dancing through the trees. But the light can become anything you or it wishes it to be. The light isn't afraid of which frame will come next or ruminates over which scenes went past, light doesn't care about film at all. What is this form of light in this latest paradigm? Well its consciousness itself. There's no good reason to keep holding on to yourself, start to play a different reel right now and let it play out until the next reel is inserted and the next performance begins. Consciousness has an impeccable memory but is also playfully forgetful, give yourself up now and forget who you are and see who or what you become.

Going on Holiday Why do we go on holiday? In fact, before I answer that, why do I feel the need to deconstruct in the first place? Good question. From a young age I've always loved taking things apart, mostly out of curiosity, occasionally I would put the together again. There's a small thrill in nowing how a thing is constructed and what makes it tick. More lately, I've moved on to deconstructing more abstract and intangible things, I still get my thrill dose from it. It allows me to more clearly see things for what they are, and actually enjoy it more because of it (because it becomes a choice not an imperative to do it). Anyway. The first thing that comes to mind, is that a holiday is about being somewhere completely different. This is most usually in a physically different place, although it could be in a more astract way. What's the point? I think it's really about removing the normal day to day triggers. Like Pavlovian dogs we constantly get triggered by the same things in our everyday environments. In my case I think about having a larger living space and a garden, I'm tempted by my laptop just sitting there enticing me. I'm constantly reminded of work by my work computer and monitors languishing in my makeshift office, taunting me as I pass them ten thousand times a day. I walk the same routes over again every day. I buy the same coffee from the same shop most days. You get the picture. All this triggering stops me/you from exploring other ways of thinking and being; it's a form of prison which is hard to escape from, you have to be determined and random to escape it. In fact I even built a phone app that would randomly buzz once for LEFT and twice for RIGHT, so I could use it on walks and see where I ended up! On top of being stuck in a prison of triggers, a lot of those triggers can be quite negative. Completely removing yourself from all that, allows you to temporarily escape that prison. Temporary is an interesting word. That word haunts all types of holiday. You always know that a holiday is not a solution to your problems, because you are not really escaping your problems, but simply temporarily putting them on hold. The hope is that you feel rested from a holiday. I've never found this to be the case. Not that a holiday isn't relaxing, it generally is (because you are away from the negativity of being triggered constantly), but it's never restful, because holidays are never long enough. My rule of thumb for even starting to feel "restful" is two weeks and ideally a month. Wage slavery generally baulks at having a month without productivity. Holiday pricing is set up in such a way that having a month or more off is prohibitive (especially for families with kids). I always have to restrain myself when my employer asks me if I feel "well rested and ready to go", my instinctual reaction would be to tell them to "go fuck yourself", but instead I just smile and say "yes". Going on holiday is also mostly a social event. People do go on holiday by themselves, but it's rare. Really we go to socialise. Whilst we can and do socialise on an everyday basis, it's mostly with work colleagues: people you haven't chosen to be your friends - although sometimes the odd one or two does become a friend. But in our topsy-turvy world we socialise less with the people we actually want to socialise with, their jobs and families suck all the leisure and pleasure out of them. With wage slavery we seem to think that socialising is a frivolous and indulgent activity. On a holiday we're actually allowed to socialise with the people we choose to and like, in a natural way. We are social creatures first and foremost (don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise), but we're treated like individuated commodities in the Western model and a holiday is the relief valve for this pressure. The travel to a destination can also be part of the pleasure too (although it can be hell). If it's a long distance by plane or train or even by car, we get to enjoy the sensation of going through and over alien landscapes, and get a real sense of the massiveness of the world. It can be humbling to realise that you are flying over continents, with all that weather and landscape and life going on beneath you. Or to hurtle through a landscape in a train where every few minutes there's something new to see, and sharing your experience with others. Or not rushing in your car, stopping sometimes to realise that people speak slightly differently and have different customs. Sometimes a holiday is all journey with no single destination as such, we just keep moving and experiencing novelty. We crave novelty as humans, and a holiday provides that in spades. What about doing nothing on holiday? It's a quaint expression. I'm genuinely happy to do not very much at all on a holiday: up, breakfast, walk, beach, read, afternoon nap, shower, dinner, night life, rinse and repeat. Other people are desperate to get as much activity in as possible: sighteseeing, organised activities, gym and so on. It's a mentality I will never understand, surely a holiday is also about getting away from all that planning and needing to be kept busy? Is the spectre of boredom really that scary? And other than the temporary nature of a holiday, this is the neurosis that sticks in the mind: this holiday comes at a cost and I better bloody well enjoy it and get the most out of it. Nothing would be worse than being bored on holiday, it's simply an unacceptible waste of resources (money/time); doing nothing in particular is boring for some. Finally, we go on holiday to experience different weather. Maybe it's obvious, maybe not. If your home country is one where it's cold and grey most of the year (e.g. UK), then going somewhere with bright days and a warm breeze is like being in heaven. I guess the opposite if you live say in Egypt, and you go somewhere to get cool and wet weather as relief (?). This in itself can lift the spirits, in more clement weathers there is more of an outdoor cafe and restaurant and beach culture, and those are the times when you really feel like you're on holiday: you're not stuck in your house or office all day. The simple act of being outdoors can be a relief. Being outdoors also allows you take in the local scenery and history and architecture. So how do we get the most out of a holiday? Here's @LastThursday's top tips: Go for at least two weeks if not a month Plan a few activities in advance but not too many Go somewhere with outdoor culture or with interesting things to go see Allow yourself to "do nothing" in particular most days Go with people you actually like Enjoy the journey to and from your destination Switch off everything related to normal life (don't work on holiday FFS) Ciao.

I'm reminded of all the Catholic festivals in Spain, a form of blue collective hedonism I'd say. And, the celebration at weddings in general from all cultures. Can't think of any more.

I'm itching to know who reads my journal. Who is that has viewed my journal nearly 18,000 times? Honestly, most of them were not me. And... I already know who some of you are. Ha! Anyway, in the olden days before the dawn of the internet proper (c. 1995), there were only a few ways to know anything at all: Mass media (TV, Newspapers, Films) Books (local library or school) Make a phone call (various services) Word of mouth Write a letter requesting information Divine thunderbolt (rare in my case) Nowadays we have the opposite problem. We only have a few ways of not knowing : Switch off your mobile or device Step away from the laptop Switch off the streaming service Get away from people I think I'm from an age group that can just about can resist the temptation to look up information, when we get together. It always happens, when did Tom Cruise do his last film? Whatever happened to Daryl Hannah? What is the weather going to be in East Sussex next week when we're having a picnic? But, even we still can't resist the temptation when our phones beep and bop at us for attention, and we simply must take that phone call even if we're in the middle of a good conversation. Do I lament the passing of the olden days? Nah. But I do have the ability to contrast 2021 with 1984, and something has been lost because of technology. It's got a lot harder to let go of things. In 1984 if you didn't know something and couldn't find out, you'd just move on and forget it. In 1984 if you arranged to meet somewhere, and no-one came, then you made the best of a bad situation and found something else to do or went home again. It was common for teenagers to run up big phone bills - that was the only way to contact someone instantly (from your home only though) - or you physically had to meet up. We seem to be ever drifting away from direct physical face-to-face contact. Instead we're lost in a world of text, images and constant attention and ego stroking (the irony of this post isn't lost on me). I've got very good at ignoring my mobile when I want to. Some days I switch it off entirely, I take a walk without it. I pretend to have bad reception or that I've forgotten to charge the thing. I notice that people get kind of worried or jumpy when you're not instantly contactable, or if I go days or weeks without contacting back. I just don't care. I don't feel a constant need to give attention or to receive it to cater for some neurotic underlying neediness. I find it a lot harder to step away from the laptop. My work is in IT so I'm already fighting a losing battle. I still feel a deep down wonderment at what a laptop can actually do, even though I know how it all works to a deep level (bits, bytes and transistors). I used to read science fiction stories, where there would be portals through which you could view other worlds (in 1984). And fuck me, I'm now living in that science fiction story. I used to code programs on my home micro (pre PC days) just so I could have conversations with it. And here we are, the computer talks back to me in 2021. I'm still in the thrall of my laptop and technology, it's a privilege be able to experience it and live through it. I'm from the last century and strangely proud of it.