LastThursday

I heard a handclap. In that moment I had crossed some unforeseen threshold. The handclap momentarily reverberated not in my ears but everywhere. It had not really been my ears at all that had heard the sound I soon realised. Something else reverberated along with the handclap. That something was familiar but had now become indistinct and spread out and less important. I sat suddenly in a daze. It was like I had crossed into a dream. It was the same world as before, but it felt as if it were new. I had fallen out of the black hole, gone in the wrong direction through its event horizon. I was no longer a slave to the gravitational pull of that old reality. Presently, I came to the momentous discovery that it had been the hands in front of me that had clapped. They had moved not through will, but of their own accord. I couldn't find the reason why they had clapped, it was lost to time. It seemed as I looked around, everything had its own will and way. This body I had dragged and cajoled like a dead weight, no longer heeded to any control. Escaping that gravitational pull had made everything lighter. The body moved of its own accord with its own unfathomable will. I was surprised but then that surprise itself reverberated everywhere - it too had a will of its own. I was nowehere to be found. The new dream had overtaken me.

There's a tendency to want to rationalise why the rejection happened and to over think it. No amount of thinking will undo the rejection or the pain you feel, thinking about it should be avoided if you can. Just feel into the pain and let it run its course, it will naturally subside in time don't rush it.

I'm constantly restless. This is something I seems to share with my dad and sister. When I was young I was physically restless, and at times could be very excitable, a trait I shared with my sister (my dad has never been very physical). With my sister I think that restlessness caused her to approach life in a very haphazard way, and she never really learned to stand on her own two feet. With my dad all that restless energy was always driven into working, he's a workaholic and always has been and shows no sign of retiring any time soon. With me, the restlessness is mostly mental, but there is a kind of feeling of constriction (which feels like lack of freedom) because I'm not generally allowed to be physical. Yes, I walk and play sports and at those times I feel some sense of relief. But that restless energy is always nagging at me. That restlessness for me, mentally, affects my focus. More rightly it means I'm extremely distractable. I have to succumb to the distraction or I just lose focus and energy on whatever I'm currently doing. The only thing that can override that tendency to distraction is if I have a problem to solve or a clear goal in mind. I know the merits of commitment and stamina, but only certain kinds of activity engage me enough to commit and not be distracted. It's like a balance, the energy has to be heavy enough that it overcomes the pull of distraction. I suspect it's something genetic, I can see the similarity of behaviours in my family. I'm sure it would have a big fat label stuck on it if I were to have it investigated, but what use are labels for something I already have a handle on? The reason I'm talking about it at all, is that it's problematic at times. Working from home requires me to be autonomous (which I like), but I've found that I'm way too easily distracted (a lot on this site!). When I was working in the office, I was confined to my desk, and people are looking over my shoulder constantly, mindlessly surfing was mostly out. But, because I'm free to service my restlessness now, I feel a thousand times better. I no longer get headaches or backaches or fatigue (physical manisfestations of stresss). But my productivity at work is suffering massively. That causes me a certain amount of anxiety, but so far I've been able to service the needs of my client without too much complaint from them. I completely realise that a game is being played here, both with myself and with my work. In a sense that tension is putting some drama - albeit negative - into an otherwise dull existence. In all, I need to lean into what I've been given. That restless energy I've used to my advantage, by learning a shit-ton of stuff in my life, which has had positive effects on me. I continue to be driven to learn and expand my consciousness. But I need to readjust the balance in my life: more physicality, more experimentation, less rigid working practices. I need to be free to engage my restlessness full on and be true to myself.

Ah I see. It's only an observation but maybe you'll get more mileage out of self-expression than self-centredness? Perhaps one will come more naturally than the other to you, I don't know. Generally the way with less resistance is the right way in the moment. Although you are right to try new things out. I guess you're asking for an instruction manual on selfishness. I suspect you'll find people are reluctant to admit to being selfish and so won't be able to tell you how to do it more effectively. But once you do know, put the theory into practice, lots of practice.

This was an interesting talk: This is how talking without debating looks like. One of the ideas presented of the past informing the present, fits in with what I posted about with Matryoshka dolls. In a way the past is telescoped into the present, the layer of the present moment constantly being laid over the past. Although I disagree that there is some sort of "past" per se - it's not in the same form as the present moment, but it is still within consciousness. I'm more of the persuasion that the present moment is constantly being generated from nothingness in all its full glory (hence Last Thursdayism). Consciousness is that powerful, it doesn't need a back story. I also notice the Lyall Watson books in the background. I always wanted to read Heaven's Breath, I'll go hunt for it. One thing leads to another. What I don't get and really want to know is, how does a philosopher stay alive? And how can I do it too.

@Preety_India it's all me me me with you (joking). Notice how many 'I's you used in your reply though. It seems like you already know how to be self-centred at least - it's not like there are no thoughts about yourself, there are plenty. The next step is to be self-centred to your advantage, i.e. put those thoughts and dreams into action. Taking that action is the hard part of the puzzle. Maybe you find it easier to defer to other people's dreams and wants, than your own?

Survival itself is selfish even when you're being altruistic. The fact that you are surviving at all means that you are regularly being selfish, although you may not realise how. One way, is that you're using resources somebody else could have. What does better survival mean to you here?

@Preety_India sure no problem.

@Preety_India feel free to PM any time and I will try my best to offer you support. - Systemic Problems This post is a way to purge my annoyance, but also a case study to highlight how things go wrong if you don't think systemically. In my day-to-day job I produce a lot of reports our client. Effectively this is data analysis, but I'm no data analyst, I'm actually a software developer; when you work for a small company you end up wearing many hats. The system for requesting reports is for staff at my client's to contact me directly on my personal work email. This suits me on the whole, as adding any layers of formality and procedure doesn't make sense for a small company like ours. Formality and procedure is needed only when larger numbers of people are involved as a form of social cohesion and to stop chaos (tragedy of the commons). I was reproached - via email - by my client's top guy for sending out a report that he deemed I shouldn't have - data can be sensitive after all, even within a company. My initial reaction was to be infuriated, who likes to be told off eh? I've learned to hold off from responding to emails when in an emotional state though, so I slept on it. I tried to work out why I was infuriated. Was it just the knock to my ego and I was actually wrong and I should just suck it up? Was it that I felt I was being bullied in some way? Was the problem that I was unjustly blamed for a systemic issue? Yes, that was getting closer to the truth. My client's CEO suggested that report requests are vetted by him before I produce them (and as a way to assert his authority). The systemic problem here is that I'm getting requests directly from staff at all. All requests should be vetted even before they reach our company on the client's side. That way the onus isn't on an external company (ours) making decisions on their behalf. So my more mature response to the CEO will be to acquiesce to his demands (with the increased level of time and emails that entails), but also to suggest that he has a systemic problem and my solution for it - as a way to obliquely suggest I wasn't in the wrong, but he is. I will point blank to refuse to accept any wrongdoing on my part. He probably won't like it. And so it is with lots of similar situations where blame is being aportioned. A group of people get blamed for their lazyiness, for stealing jobs, for taking up resources, for not assimilating and on and on. Yet all these problems are systemic, there are nearly always larger forces at work: wars, poverty, migration, social organisation, inadequate infrastructure. Even on a smaller personal level, people are often blamed even when they acted as best they could - it's simply that they were constrained by whichever systems they had to operate in. If you are poor and need to steal food to survive, the individual can be blamed for stealing, or the system could be fixed so that poverty didn't arise in the first place. The next time you are blamed or looking for blame don't get emotional think instead: what in the system is causing this problem?

@Preety_India light travels very fast, so there's no problem catching up . I can see you have a hunger and creativity for change. I'm happy to help you in any way I can to get there.

Telescoping aerials. Matryoshka dolls. Onions. The concept appears in many places. It occurs most commonly when a thing is added on to layer by layer. It's a very useful way to fill a space and grow. That idea of growth by accretion in layers is at the heart of Spiral Dynamics. The idea of spiritual growth is no different. The ego of course wants to advance and outgrow and supersede and be bigger than the other egos around it. It has an inbuilt notion of constantly throwing away the older stuff and believing it to be laughable and silly. In this way it can't point to other egos and say: "that's so yesterday and dumb, I'm so much better than that [love me for it]". That sort of advancement by constant rejection of the old, is completely hollow and unloving and unnatural. It's as if we open the Matryoshka doll and nothing is inside. The last Ox Herding Picuture, the tenth one, is devoid of ego. The person hasn't thrown all the spiritual layers away. She understands that she too once hadn't even realised there was an Ox and that that naive person still exists in her core. She can re-enter the marketplace with full understanding and compassion because she still has all her layers of spiritual growth intact. She can re-enter and work from any layer and engage others on the same level as them, fluently as a native. Real spirituality is not just about ascending and growing beyond others' capabilities. It's about being able to engage others fluently at whatever level they are and gently pulling them up if they're ready for it. A mother does not talk finances with her child, she talks teddy bears and picnics, and enjoys her child's excitement.

This stuff is not for the chattering mind. All this talk of distinctions is just to keep the mind distracted with a good story. This sums it up completely: You are diffusing your "mind" and "you" into reality itself. You are learning to be indistinct from reality/God.

Different music has different effects on me. This track always makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. There's always strange mix of emotions. It's hard to describe why it resonates so much with me. Maybe a deep part of my Shadow is that I don't feel at home. I'm constantly restless, feeling lost and disconnected. I'm in need of a place to call home; wherever I look it's not there. What does home even feel like? I'm forever waging war against the injustice of feeling like I abandoned myself long ago. Everything is impersonal and un-familiar. I'm propelled forward only by the changing of the days and the whims of sea of change around me. If not for that I would cease to be as I'm unable to find true North and impel myself that way. There is no ground or earth to root to and claim as mine - nothing that will guide me when I'm unsure, comfort me when I'm uneasy, or return to after a long time away.

It's tricky. What you call the "mind" is yet another set of distinctions; what are these distinctions created by? If the mind isn't created by distinctions, then it must be infinite oneness as you say. The mind is in fact seamless with reality as it is all infinite oneness. If we redefine reality to be this way, then reality is creating distinctions within itself automatically. This must be true for anything to exist at all. If there's nothing to be distinguished then nothing can exist. This is how reality bootstraps itself from nothing, all it needs is that single spark of distinction and the rest follows. Distinction is built into the fabric of reality. Distinction is reality. "You" are yet another set of distinctions - and you can already see where that leads. Reality does what reality does. God does what God does. In fact doing is overstating things because it implies separation: a doer doing something. More accurately reality exists or unfolds or arises or is. So joy, peace and satisfaction are just more distinctions. The distinctions are in constant flux. Joy comes and goes and so does everything else. The utility of spirituality is in recognising reality for what it is - and not seeing yourself and your mind as separate from it.

Everything is always changing, decaying, growing etc. But that change happens at a finite pace. We can count changes and get time as a result. For example we can observe a swinging pendulum and count off how many swings it makes, to get time elapsed. The rate of change is observable and real, the elapsed time is inferred - it's a construct. Once an event has happened it's no longer accessible and so it is doesn't exist. All that's left is an imprint of the event in the present moment. You can count the imprints, and infer some time passed, but that's all.

It definitely hurts the ego to know that you're less smart than you thought you were. But it's ok. From a less ego-centred perspective all that's happening is that you lost in a contest of comparison. But smartness is not one dimensional, it's actually nonsensical to compare smartness between people; it's always apples and oranges. It may feel wrong, but even people who are smart in the same areas (say playing Chess), have different methods and intuitions, it's never a like-for-like comparison. The other thing is that there's not a ceiling on smartness. In a sense you're always showing yourself how dumb you were, by ever increasing your smartness. So even if you're only competing with yourself, you'll always be losing (and winning). This is the natural order of things. And, the ego being humbled is no bad thing. It gives you the space to appreciate how smart and wonderful other people are too.

I couldn't possibly comment

@Preety_India ??? that cracked me up

Prrrrr prrrrr prrrrr

Ok some assorted craziness as is my want. I'm going to model myself after some forum members. So look at me. I'm so effing amazing, you shmucks don't deserve to even comprehend what I'm comprehending, I'm so far above your level that I everything that comes out of my mouth is pure God wisdom. But's it's ok I'm so meta and gansta, that I can still love you, but my love is harsh like the light of Sun, both nurturing and deathly. I was just born at the wrong time, the world isn't ready for me and what I'm capable of, can't you see how much like a God I am. I don't need to do pickup, I don't need to psychadelic myself, I don't need ridiculously worded mystical advice, I am a real MASCULINE man (take a breath) and all sexes just can't help themselves around me, I'm just oozing charisma. I've got so many projects and ideas on the go that I'm going to be a millionaire next week and take the whole planet to the next level. I only grace this forum because I'm elevating the human race. (Gosh that was cringey) Next: Just been watching Missions (french Martian drama) and the immediately watched Gravity afterwards (what is it about Sandra Bullock that does something for me? Huh). It all ended up giving me that odd feeling of detachment from myself. I think it comes from experiencing something - albeit fiction - not in my normal sphere. We're constantly connected by an umbilical to our circumstance: that job, that house, that spouse, that bed, that food. We rarely get that chance to detach. I went through a 10 mile walk through North London just to do precisely that, detach. I was floating in space. But now I've landed again on my laptop. And more next: I have occasional moments of clarity whereby I see myself from the outside. Imagine talking to your friend John or Jane, yes just like that. It's as if I momentarily see myself as someone else, it's the most peculiar sensation. I know that that sensation is real, that the character of Guillermo is just a facade. I suspect at some point that detachment from the character will become permanent. One day it will just go pop and I won't be able to return. Oh and: This is not a story, it's a stupendous happening and here I am to witness it.

@Leo Nordin living the dream. Hopefully, you've got internet. It's definitely not for everyone. What I've noticed is that a lot of of these tiny houses are in the countryside and have a large amount of land right outside. I think this helps with not feeling too confined. If you're very much an indoor person, then having more room to do stuff in is going to be important - especially dancing. But there's a large variety of sizes of tiny house. I would like to think it would work for me, because given the right lifestyle and weather I would probably spend all my time outdoors. Or in an urban setting in various bars or coffee shops. You should write up your experience somewhere, it would be useful for others thinking of doing the same.

Because those perspectives can experience things that you don't and tell you about them? Oh, hang on a minute... who's doing the proving?

Yeah. Don't. Move on.

Immense work. Should be pinned somewhere no?

@Preety_India in a word: love. Healthy motivation comes from love. But pushing against that love, all action has a cost. It takes time and energy, focus and commitment and sometimes courage to act. To do anything, that love has to be stronger than the cost of acting. It's like a see-saw. You can either reduce the cost involved or increase the love (motivation). It's possible to have fear-based motivation and this can be effective. For example wear a mask or you might spread Covid. But it's a less healthy way to motivate yourself. There are many ways to reduce the cost of acting: planning, breaking big tasks down into smaller tasks, creating habits, getting others to do things for you, involving others in your plans, building up routine, reducing distractions, setting clear goals, having vision, deadlines. The list is endless. So. What do you really love?