LastThursday

I think a part of my psyche is intoxicated by the idea of embodying different people. The normal analogy of conscious experience is the cinema film reel, where each frame is the present moment frozen in time. This idea is useful as a way to shift the paradigm you may be stuck in, in which you believe yourself to be a person with a unique set of beautiful characteristics and flaws. In that paradigm, you interact with others in a sort of default way without much thought, you embody "you" at all times. At different times, differing parts of "your" character get amplified, and in this way it seems there are "parts" to yourself vying for attention and recognition: there's a drunk you, a happy you, a morose you, a go getter you, and a slob you. The cinema reel analogy has a fatalistic view of life built into it, because each frame is immutable and preset way into the future; it would seem the film of your life is already predestined. When you start to question this fatalistic view of life it seems impossible to wriggle out of, and no matter what you do, it was always fate in the end. In the end you succumb to its charms and glibly concede that there is no observer or observed, no will and no freedom. Suddenly, you are told to spin things around and imagine that no, you are not the frames of present moments, but the celluloid in which the frames are exposed. You are in fact the very material in which fate itself is shaped. And in that spin around of paradigms you wrest back control and freedom from the hands of fate herself. "You" are satisfied and blissful: for a time. Yet, you become disatisfied again. All this talk of films and frames and celluloid is all so one dimensional and mechanistic. Can we swap paradigms once again and instead we play with light himself? It is not the film at all which breathes life into the frames, it is the light which shines through it. Light is just that, light and insubstantial and yet infinitely malleable and real. Just as a lump of clay can be sculpted into many things, so can the light of you become many different things. Seen in this light, your beautiful characteristics and flaws are simply like light dancing through the trees. But the light can become anything you or it wishes it to be. The light isn't afraid of which frame will come next or ruminates over which scenes went past, light doesn't care about film at all. What is this form of light in this latest paradigm? Well its consciousness itself. There's no good reason to keep holding on to yourself, start to play a different reel right now and let it play out until the next reel is inserted and the next performance begins. Consciousness has an impeccable memory but is also playfully forgetful, give yourself up now and forget who you are and see who or what you become.

Going on Holiday Why do we go on holiday? In fact, before I answer that, why do I feel the need to deconstruct in the first place? Good question. From a young age I've always loved taking things apart, mostly out of curiosity, occasionally I would put the together again. There's a small thrill in nowing how a thing is constructed and what makes it tick. More lately, I've moved on to deconstructing more abstract and intangible things, I still get my thrill dose from it. It allows me to more clearly see things for what they are, and actually enjoy it more because of it (because it becomes a choice not an imperative to do it). Anyway. The first thing that comes to mind, is that a holiday is about being somewhere completely different. This is most usually in a physically different place, although it could be in a more astract way. What's the point? I think it's really about removing the normal day to day triggers. Like Pavlovian dogs we constantly get triggered by the same things in our everyday environments. In my case I think about having a larger living space and a garden, I'm tempted by my laptop just sitting there enticing me. I'm constantly reminded of work by my work computer and monitors languishing in my makeshift office, taunting me as I pass them ten thousand times a day. I walk the same routes over again every day. I buy the same coffee from the same shop most days. You get the picture. All this triggering stops me/you from exploring other ways of thinking and being; it's a form of prison which is hard to escape from, you have to be determined and random to escape it. In fact I even built a phone app that would randomly buzz once for LEFT and twice for RIGHT, so I could use it on walks and see where I ended up! On top of being stuck in a prison of triggers, a lot of those triggers can be quite negative. Completely removing yourself from all that, allows you to temporarily escape that prison. Temporary is an interesting word. That word haunts all types of holiday. You always know that a holiday is not a solution to your problems, because you are not really escaping your problems, but simply temporarily putting them on hold. The hope is that you feel rested from a holiday. I've never found this to be the case. Not that a holiday isn't relaxing, it generally is (because you are away from the negativity of being triggered constantly), but it's never restful, because holidays are never long enough. My rule of thumb for even starting to feel "restful" is two weeks and ideally a month. Wage slavery generally baulks at having a month without productivity. Holiday pricing is set up in such a way that having a month or more off is prohibitive (especially for families with kids). I always have to restrain myself when my employer asks me if I feel "well rested and ready to go", my instinctual reaction would be to tell them to "go fuck yourself", but instead I just smile and say "yes". Going on holiday is also mostly a social event. People do go on holiday by themselves, but it's rare. Really we go to socialise. Whilst we can and do socialise on an everyday basis, it's mostly with work colleagues: people you haven't chosen to be your friends - although sometimes the odd one or two does become a friend. But in our topsy-turvy world we socialise less with the people we actually want to socialise with, their jobs and families suck all the leisure and pleasure out of them. With wage slavery we seem to think that socialising is a frivolous and indulgent activity. On a holiday we're actually allowed to socialise with the people we choose to and like, in a natural way. We are social creatures first and foremost (don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise), but we're treated like individuated commodities in the Western model and a holiday is the relief valve for this pressure. The travel to a destination can also be part of the pleasure too (although it can be hell). If it's a long distance by plane or train or even by car, we get to enjoy the sensation of going through and over alien landscapes, and get a real sense of the massiveness of the world. It can be humbling to realise that you are flying over continents, with all that weather and landscape and life going on beneath you. Or to hurtle through a landscape in a train where every few minutes there's something new to see, and sharing your experience with others. Or not rushing in your car, stopping sometimes to realise that people speak slightly differently and have different customs. Sometimes a holiday is all journey with no single destination as such, we just keep moving and experiencing novelty. We crave novelty as humans, and a holiday provides that in spades. What about doing nothing on holiday? It's a quaint expression. I'm genuinely happy to do not very much at all on a holiday: up, breakfast, walk, beach, read, afternoon nap, shower, dinner, night life, rinse and repeat. Other people are desperate to get as much activity in as possible: sighteseeing, organised activities, gym and so on. It's a mentality I will never understand, surely a holiday is also about getting away from all that planning and needing to be kept busy? Is the spectre of boredom really that scary? And other than the temporary nature of a holiday, this is the neurosis that sticks in the mind: this holiday comes at a cost and I better bloody well enjoy it and get the most out of it. Nothing would be worse than being bored on holiday, it's simply an unacceptible waste of resources (money/time); doing nothing in particular is boring for some. Finally, we go on holiday to experience different weather. Maybe it's obvious, maybe not. If your home country is one where it's cold and grey most of the year (e.g. UK), then going somewhere with bright days and a warm breeze is like being in heaven. I guess the opposite if you live say in Egypt, and you go somewhere to get cool and wet weather as relief (?). This in itself can lift the spirits, in more clement weathers there is more of an outdoor cafe and restaurant and beach culture, and those are the times when you really feel like you're on holiday: you're not stuck in your house or office all day. The simple act of being outdoors can be a relief. Being outdoors also allows you take in the local scenery and history and architecture. So how do we get the most out of a holiday? Here's @LastThursday's top tips: Go for at least two weeks if not a month Plan a few activities in advance but not too many Go somewhere with outdoor culture or with interesting things to go see Allow yourself to "do nothing" in particular most days Go with people you actually like Enjoy the journey to and from your destination Switch off everything related to normal life (don't work on holiday FFS) Ciao.

I'm reminded of all the Catholic festivals in Spain, a form of blue collective hedonism I'd say. And, the celebration at weddings in general from all cultures. Can't think of any more.

I'm itching to know who reads my journal. Who is that has viewed my journal nearly 18,000 times? Honestly, most of them were not me. And... I already know who some of you are. Ha! Anyway, in the olden days before the dawn of the internet proper (c. 1995), there were only a few ways to know anything at all: Mass media (TV, Newspapers, Films) Books (local library or school) Make a phone call (various services) Word of mouth Write a letter requesting information Divine thunderbolt (rare in my case) Nowadays we have the opposite problem. We only have a few ways of not knowing : Switch off your mobile or device Step away from the laptop Switch off the streaming service Get away from people I think I'm from an age group that can just about can resist the temptation to look up information, when we get together. It always happens, when did Tom Cruise do his last film? Whatever happened to Daryl Hannah? What is the weather going to be in East Sussex next week when we're having a picnic? But, even we still can't resist the temptation when our phones beep and bop at us for attention, and we simply must take that phone call even if we're in the middle of a good conversation. Do I lament the passing of the olden days? Nah. But I do have the ability to contrast 2021 with 1984, and something has been lost because of technology. It's got a lot harder to let go of things. In 1984 if you didn't know something and couldn't find out, you'd just move on and forget it. In 1984 if you arranged to meet somewhere, and no-one came, then you made the best of a bad situation and found something else to do or went home again. It was common for teenagers to run up big phone bills - that was the only way to contact someone instantly (from your home only though) - or you physically had to meet up. We seem to be ever drifting away from direct physical face-to-face contact. Instead we're lost in a world of text, images and constant attention and ego stroking (the irony of this post isn't lost on me). I've got very good at ignoring my mobile when I want to. Some days I switch it off entirely, I take a walk without it. I pretend to have bad reception or that I've forgotten to charge the thing. I notice that people get kind of worried or jumpy when you're not instantly contactable, or if I go days or weeks without contacting back. I just don't care. I don't feel a constant need to give attention or to receive it to cater for some neurotic underlying neediness. I find it a lot harder to step away from the laptop. My work is in IT so I'm already fighting a losing battle. I still feel a deep down wonderment at what a laptop can actually do, even though I know how it all works to a deep level (bits, bytes and transistors). I used to read science fiction stories, where there would be portals through which you could view other worlds (in 1984). And fuck me, I'm now living in that science fiction story. I used to code programs on my home micro (pre PC days) just so I could have conversations with it. And here we are, the computer talks back to me in 2021. I'm still in the thrall of my laptop and technology, it's a privilege be able to experience it and live through it. I'm from the last century and strangely proud of it.

I wonder if the genius of the internet was invented by a loner?

Doesn't sound crazy at all to me. Self delusion is always possible though, never assume you're right.

I'm going Mooji style today: YOU are not an object. You are not an object. You are not an object. You are not a vessel full of crap. You are not a vessel full of crap. You are not a vessel full of crap. You can be loved. You can be loved. You can be loved. You can love. You can love. You can love. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone. Your potential is endless. Your potential is endless. Your potential is endless. You are not an opinion. You are not an opinion. You are not an opinion. You are not less than others. You are not less than others. You are not less than others. You will change. You will change. You will change. We have each other. We have each other. We have each other. You are human and proud. You are human and proud. You are human and proud.

I would say there's neither observer or observed, this is just a feature of (the English) language confusing the issue. You're brainwashed by things like: Mary looks at John. The verb looking requires there to be a subject (observer) and object (observed). Something closer would be: Mary looks. The implication being that the act of looking (verb) is the same at what's being looked at (noun). But it's still not quite there. The act of observing is in fact exactly that which is being observed. They're not different things. Ask yourself, does the observer observe itself? How do you know you're an observer?

Regardless of whether we get a new section or not, we can all lead by example (and do already) and show that empathy and emotional intelligence and unconditional love are important and part of the mix. I know that I could definitely improve in these areas. I realise it's a like swimming against the current, but it's doable. Let the workers revolt! Sorry, I mean forum members work in partnership...

@Shin it's a great idea. But it will need strong loving moderation from the outset, otherwise it will degenerate into "I'm more loving than you" or "emotions are silly" type battles. And the super-rational-analytical-left-brained types will need to be kept in check too (guilty).

One phenomenon that I've had to deal with throughout my life is the sensation of being sidelined. It's only really quite recently that I've begun to work through this shadow. The reasons for that sensation are kind of complicated. The most obvious one being that I'm from two cultures. They were definitely not mutually incompatible cultures (both being Western European), but they were different enough. I think I felt this keenly as a young kid. Looking back on it as a family unit in Spain, we were relatively isolated. I don't remember having that many friends not even in school. We would never get visitors. It would seem that my parents themselves were quite isolated in this respect too, I don't really remember them having friends either. My sister and I made up for this lack by being each other's best friend, this was just a natural thing. My dad would often say we were like twins. Back in England and being older I was much more aware that I was "different". However, I did make friends easily and this made up for the sidelining. However at home, my parents continued to be quite isolated, but mostly it didn't matter, we were either in school with our friends, or playing outdoors my sister and me. We never really fitted in with the local kids as we got older, there was a difference in temperament and attitude. The local kids were rough and physical and there would often be skirmishes; arguing, fighting and making fun of people was the way to behave. We were soft and defenceless kids my sister and me, we were never inculcated into that way of being. I never grew up to be a "lad". Of course that sort of weakness was taken advantage of both in and out of school, kids are ruthless. That in itself made me feel different and somewhat isolated. The final straw was a fight started by a local kid with me and my sister, and my mum ended up manhandling the kid to stop the fight. The police were called in, and it was all very tense and emotional. From that point on I kind of decided that it wasn't for me, and I stopped "playing out". My sister followed suit, as I could no longer protect her outside. From the ages of 13 to 19 I felt very isolated with just one or two friends in school. School in itself was brutal at times and the constant low level bullying just intensified the feelings of not fitting in. I think those years were especially formative in setting up how I viewed myself. My dad showed little interest as he worked all hours, and my mum wasn't ever that good at showing me and my sister the kind of interest we needed. We mostly just entertained ourselves: computers for me, and art and music for my sister. At 19 and at university I finally let loose. My friends were mostly middle class, I wasn't, but I felt that I fitted in for the first time ever. One effect of my feeling different and isolation was that it allowed me to behave differently from the people around me. Over the teenage years I had learned to be self sufficient and got to know myself quite well. This gave me a certain confidence to be authentically me, I wasn't out to be a sheep and just fit in anymore! I noticed that some people found this attractive in me, I had a certain confidence in myself. However, I did a 180 degree turn and became quite hedonistic after years of feeling repressed. Whilst it was fun and a relief, I started to realise that I wasn't being taken seriously. Despite my intellectual abilities my friends never did think much of me in that department, they were clever as fuck themselves. But nor would they take my advice or think that I had anything to offer, other than simply being entertained by me. And at the bottom of it all I was from a different social background - I had to learn to be middle class to fit in. It grated. This feeling of never being quite up to scratch no matter what I did, has ingrained itself deeply in me. It has lead to a kind of mixture of emotions: frustration, disappointment, embarrassment over expressing myself, and lingering social anxiety and a largely stubborn attitude. Even now I find it hard to engage people on my terms, so much so that I've mostly given up on that. Either I go along with what other people want, or I do things alone and how I want. People are just not interested in what I'm interested in. One of the biggest reasons I isolated myself from my long term friends in Brighton, is that I was never taken seriously, and worse I didn't have kids and all that to talk about. I didn't care about what they cared about, and I couldn't talk at length about the latest super hero film, or what happened in the news, or anything at all. Fast forward to now. I've been forced into a position at work at least, where I am listened to and my advice is taken. In that small sphere of my life, I've got what I always wanted. It's taken a good few years for my employer and customers to trust my judgement. And that pattern has been repeated again and again in my life. I always seem to be treated as if I was near invisible or just not seriously at all, and then over some time, it dawns on people how much I have to offer. I also have a set of friends that have started to take me seriously. They listen to what I say. They're even interested in some of the things I am: walking, photography and so on. They still don't do spirituality, consciousness or even computer programming (although even I can't bring myself to talk about that), but you can't have everything. I've never particularly lacked confidence in my abilities, but I have lacked confidence in expressing myself to others. I'm able to express certain aspects of myself well, but not others. This feeling of being sidelined for most of my life, never really had anything to do with other people. It had everything to do with me. I felt wounded and abandoned and honestly, I didn't take myself very seriously for a large part of my life. Slowly I'm learning, slowly I'm getting there, I'm taking responsibility for what I want. I'm a force to be reckoned with.

It's been a while (understatement) since I dated. The following is exactly how I would like to date (swearing warning): Which character am I?

Even an unperceptive person will recognise the vulnerability at some level. I agree we don't show vulnerability because of neediness on our part, it's not to get a positive reaction from people - that would be manipulation. We get hurt because people are hurtful, not because our expectations were dashed. I can be genuinely open and vulnerable: I go on this forum because I'm lonely; you call me a loser who should get some friends, and I feel hurt. I'm hurt at your unpleasant reaction, not because my ploy for being vulnerable failed (for example). In fact the worst reaction to expressing vulnerability is indifference, because a connection to the person wasn't made. Again, showing vulnerability is not about forcing a connection, or expecting one, but just a side effect of it.

@Leo Nordin if we're not worried about each other, then what are we honestly doing here? I journal to share a part of myself, of course I'm worried about others. Honestly? Start journaling to occupy your mind, let the rest happen by itself. Part of the "package" of enlightenment is that you realise there is no time. It doesn't matter if I wait two seconds, or until my deathbed for enlightenment. Urgency and impatience is ego and all that. Anyway, no more labouring my points. Feel free to PM me if the need arises.

Each to their own, it's not one size fits all. On average however, there should be no disposition towards one or the other. Wisdom and genius lives both in loners and crowds.

Is that silence in a crowd or alone?

I'm going to be extremely picky. It doesn't follow that meditation allows you to see the vast interconnections between things. It doesn't follow that happiness comes from seeing the vast interconnections between things. And it doesn't follow that being happy is fulfilling your potential. In general. Maybe it does for you specifically. The original question is asking are you more likely to fulfill your potential by being a loner (in general)? The answer is, it depends on what "fulfill potential" means in general. And, once you've fulfilled your potential, is there any utility in it? If I learn to speak Russian, I'm I really fulfilling my potential if I don't ever speak it with anybody else? Does being a loner really allow you to fulfill your potential?

I would only counter by saying that it's non-obvious what: actually means in practice. Is an advanced meditator a wise genius? What potential is being fulfilled here? I don't have the answer, but it's always interesting to notice the meta aspect of a question.

One needs the other. The crowds need loners and loners need the crowds.

@Preety_India I'd say that no one became less delusional by being a loner. You need the wisdom of other people (the crowd) to keep you sane. Isn't this forum a crowd?

Obviously there's no wisdom in crowds. Crowds, for example governments, have never been wise that's why we don't need them. I wonder if the pandemic has made us all wiser with all that time spent alone? Ok I'm being facetious. What is the use in wisdom or genius, if you don't have a crowd to practise it in? Is it even wise not to share your wisdom?

If self sufficiency is the opposite of neediness, then there is no need to fake it. We aim to be completely comfortable in our own skin when we're single, we enjoy being single. This is attractive to any person. When we pair up, we are also completely comfortable, we enjoy being in a relationship. We don't expect our partner to cater to our every need. Instead, whether single or not, we stay open, show vulnerability and grace, and this provides the authentic connection to other people. This openness is also attractive, people recognise that expressing vulnerability takes courage.

Midnight Euphoria I just this second noticed an odd sensation that I get around now (23:56) some nights. I normally try and practise sleep procrastination. I hate getting up in the morning. And, equally I hate going to sleep in the night. Don't know, it's probably some pattern that started when I was small, lost to time and memory. In my scrambling to do anything but sleep I play music, surf, look stuff up, it's like I suddenly wake up out of my daytime trance. The body gets tired, and the eyes heavy, but my soul loosens a bit and I break free. I start to feel euphoric, on the verge of tears at times, and I feel like I'm on the edge of something wonderful, I can taste it. Yet. I must sleep and I can't indulge the euphoria for too long lest it take hold permanently. @Leo Nordin I'm guessing enlightenment is not something you know how to do do. I'm pretty sure it has nothin to do with doing. There isn't a method to it. All that can be done is to lay the groundwork, which you seem to be doing, and hope for the best. There is the idea that enlightenment requires removing everything - like furniture in a room - before it can be invited in. The ideal enlightment is to both be an egoic human and realised at the same time. I'm going to cite @mandyjw here, because she very much embodies that principle: both being human and being enlightened, there's no separation between the two: This idea is also reflected in the Ten Ox Hearding Pictures. The tenth picture, is Entering the Marketplace with Helping Hands, which is this idea again: https://tricycle.org/magazine/ten-oxherding-pictures/ You are enlightened, yet you wish to rejoin humanity.

Do love me a bit of Chemical Brothers

@Leo Nordin I disagree that it's a waste of my time. The original intent of my journal hasn't changed: The intent is not to get enlightened through journalling. That would be futile and silly. It's also not about playing mind games with myself. But it's just about writing things down as they come up so I don't forget them, because they might come in useful in future. It's also just an expression of my creativity, I enjoy writing. That's good enough for a journal. You ask why I don't just become enlightened? I'll give you an analogy: Imagine you've fallen down a well. The well is damp and dark, all you can see is the light of the opening to the well far far above. How do you get back out? You try and climb the walls, but they're too slippery. You shout and pray for assistance, but no-one hears you. You wait hoping someone will come by and rescue you. You use your intelligence and make a mental map of the well, brick by brick, hoping it will give you a clue to escape (my method). You start taking bricks out and think about digging your way out, but it's too much work. Then, one day it rains hard and the well starts filling up, and slowly you float up to the surface and climb out to freedom. You really shouldn't get too concerned or upset about what I write: just get to know your own well.