LastThursday

Hell is being terrified of death right now. What's needed is realisation that things just carry on whether you're terrified or not. Worry about hell and death when and if they come, trust that your future self will take care of it.

Caveat emptor. What about play, love and laughing?

I think writing this journal is actually starting to impinge on my normal waking life. I found this morning on my walk thinking about various things and how I would get it down in my journal. This is most unusual for me. Generally I just have what I call "light thinking", thoughts arise and I don't pay them too much conscious attention, it's a bit like that state just after waking up. I've been like that for years, although rarely I do go back to my old ways of rumination, it allows me to be "present" no bad thing. What was on my mind? Some keywords: passion, femininity, humour, wage slavery. I've probably talked about at least three of those things before, but I'll elaborate on passion. I'll do the reversal trick and show an example first and then discuss: Rick Beato is a phenomenon, he's extremely passionate about music although he mainly concentrates on rock/pop. The way passion is talked about normally is as some kind of inner drive which leads to ambition and achieving goals. It's a bit like fuel you put into an engine. Personally, it's never clicked with me, you may as well be speaking Martian. I mean, I'm good at stuff yeah and I enjoy doing stuff, ok, but what the hell does passion have to do with it? But watching the above video yesterday something finally clicked. At first I just thought Rick was gushing about Seal unnecessarily. It's a good song no doubt but come on it's not that amazing, I've never really cared for it anyway. But Rick just kept on being excited about it. Then suddenly, bam, I realised what was happening. Rick was expressing his love and it was as clear as day; his love of music, his love of a good song, his love of deconstruction. He interviews Seal, and then Seal himself expresses his love of song. There was also a mutual admiration (love) between the two men. Now to me that makes much more sense. The way the word "passion" is used is normally in a kind of SD Stage Orange context, that is one of goal orientation and drive and work ethic, passion being the fuel for all that. I'm decidedly not of that persuasion, I've always been more exploratory and driven by curiosity and understanding how things work: it's why I'm on this forum at all. But passion is just love. Yes ok it's not that revelatory after all, if you really love what you do then most people would label you as passionate. It's about emphasis, passion is not work ethic, it is all love. There are lots of things I love for their own sake: abstract ideas, maths, information technology, walking, socialising, people, music, the list is endless. There are many things I don't love (which I can't bring myself to list). What life purpose is about, if anything, is simply channeling all that love and dovetailing into survival. Survival is love, love of being alive and love of the body; so it's not wholly incompatible with passion. The big question for someone like me who loves many things, is can I bring myself to channel my love into a few particular areas and make money from it? That's a big NOPE. It's not that I'm averse to making money, I love money as much as the next person. I'm just against putting all my love eggs into one basket (sounds kinky). If anything if I'm going to be "passionate" enough to base my survival on it, then I'm going to have to synergise all my different loves and then use that synthesis as a basis for survival. So it's all back-to-front. It's not that I need to somehow magic up some passion and that this will automatically set me off on a course of being super driven and focused to achieve greatness. No no no, that's all wrong, just no. All I need is love. I need to learn to really notice what I love, instead of just half-heartedly being pulled this way and that by it. Just by noticing and being more aware of what I love, it can be amplified and brought to the fore. I can then let that love take me to wherever it leads me. It's effectively what I've been doing since I was ten: I've been led by my love of computers; it's served me well and I live a life of comfort and security. But really it's run its course, I know that deep down. It's time to pay attention to all the other things I love and make them grow. Forget passion.

Indeed being lighthearted can smother the need for complaint. Everything is absurd and to be laughed at, and the most absurd being one's own righteous indignation. If I ever take on a way for living life it would be to be lighthearted at all times, even in the face of seriousness.

Missing Cat Syndrome This is going to be another observational post and I'll try and be clever about it and give it some sort of punchline, maybe. So: I got a flyer this morning in my mailbox (physical one) and it was the usual "my cat is mising" with a nice picture of the tabby on the front. Underneath was a "please please look for my cat in your sheds and stuff". I mean, the person actually went to the trouble of making and then posting the flyer, I'm sure it was posted to everyone. That's one up from the usual ones stuck to lampposts, generally with washed out colours and happy looking cats. I'm not an animal person, I couldn't be bothered enough about looking after a pet. But I do understand the distress that pet owners feel when their pets wander off. The bond can be strong. My ex made me search the streets high and low for her kitty when it wandered off one day. Eventually it was found drowned in the small pond in the garden which had a tarp over it. With cats especially wandering off is what they do for a living. My personal view is that cat owners should be more realistic about what they're getting themselves into. The operative word here being "owners". It's blatantly obvious to me that a cat has no idea about ownership of anything, it does what it likes and it has been proven that cats will "live" in multiple people's homes - essentially anyone who's prepared to feed it. In that sense a cat is more sensible than its owner. The owner is unfortunately locked into a game of ownership and bonding; the cat isn't. The cut suffers less as a result. Of course, I think the Missing Cat Syndrome is also largely about parents appeasing their children, who are more prone to getting upset and not understanding how cats work. In that sense, it's fine, there are lessons to be learnt for the children, and children shouldn't be made to suffer unnecessarily - putting a flyer out helps with the suffering. Realistically if a cat goes missing it's for two reasons: either it's found a new "owner", or it's dead. Cat's don't get lost. In some ways people are much the same as cats: they are also prone to wandering off and doing their own thing. People go missing too, and I suspect in a very small percentage of cases they've simply had enough and decide to disappear, that being their only option. I thought about doing the same myself in the depths of my depression, France was looking tempting. It wasn't rational but it was what I felt at the time. In a real way choosing to just let go of everything and starting again as an anonymous person somewhere else is freedom. And, in another way it is like being born again. We all of us should be able to wander off - metaphorically or actually - and be reborn as someone else; or at least do it the way a cat does it, and that's by being a cat. EDIT The thought did occur that cats are territorial. There is a cost involved for them in defending their territories, so in an odd way they "own" their territories. Perhaps cats see their owners as their territory? I have no idea if that is anthropomorphising though.

Reminds me of Saturday mornings at my grandparents, happy days they were. Don't worry I'm like a dog with a bone sometimes, I like to run with things to see where it leads. I only take things personally if it's personal which in this case it isn't. I am basically in agreeance with you. If we encounter someone who is complaining, then we can try and undestand their position completely, and then that emotional transference of negativity doesn't occur. Instead it's replaced by some sort of compassion or solidarity or a least a utilitarian need to help. On the flip side, if we have a complete understanding of where our negativity is stemming from, as well a meta-view of how our view fits into the greater whole, then we have a choice about how to express ourselves to others. I think I was commenting from that point of having a grasp of the meta-view. For example I can get upset that my neighbours overflow the communal bins every week and complain bitterly about it to them. Or I can take the meta-view, that the bins should be emptied more frequently by the local council. So I have a choice about if and how I complain: it becomes strategic. And I think there's room for that sort of strategic complaining. Is this negative? It's hard to tell, yes and no. It's still manipulation and transferring negativity, but also overflowing bins are a health hazard and ultimately I will suffer less in a healthy environment and so will my neighbours. The big question is, do I have the time or inclination to understand a thing thoroughly? Is my interest in the removal of rubbish from my premises enough for me to have a deep understanding of the problem? Probably not in this case or even most other cases. So the default is to fall back on complaining as a tool to get what I want: I'm no Jesus Christ. The other thing that springs to mind is: is being mechanical authentic? And is authentic good in all cases? I think you're saying no, and we should be getting away from being mechanical and instead apply some sort of awareness and understanding and this will ease suffering all round. I need to go off and contemplate that. My immediate reaction is no, but I could be wrong, probably am.

Sounds like a bad joke: How do you awaken a fool...? You don't, let the fool awaken you.

You can impose any framework you like on reality, it doesn't mean a thing. Reality is always bigger and more complex. Reasons and purposes are just logic like cause and effect. A reason is just the first cause, and a purpose is the final effect. But cause and effect are just mental constructs, we're in a timeless void (more constructs but closer to the truth perhaps), cause and effect are meaningless without time.

Learn to be present as much as possible. Rumination and over analysis is not being present. The greatest tool for doing this is learning to stop that inner voice (subvocalisation); meditation is a good way to do this, as well as hypnosis. It can also be done through distraction, but that's less effective. Notice that there are times when you're not mentally preparing things, what's special about those times? What triggers the need to mentally prepare? I have been there, I used to do this chronically and it used to cause me a lot of anxiety. But it's definitely a habit that you can unlearn.

Do different things on different days. Make a schedule.

Tell a story. People love stories. Just before I made this comment, I was contemplating eating lunch early. I think it's because I got up earlier than normal, who knows why I woke up at 5:30? Has that ever happened to you...

It helps to read a lot of different material. But also just write a lot. Find complex ideas to write about, just trying to get them down will improve your English grammar, the same for German. Being able to write and communicate properly is incredibly important in everyday life.

I must remember that for next time ARSS. Maybe Ejaculation at the end of it. Sorry, ignore me, carry on.

Another dose from the infinite @LastThursday well of observation. Coping With Attraction In my younger years I used to have a different style towards attraction. I used to love pubs, clubs and crowds in general - I still do to a lesser extent. One reason for it, was that where I lived in Brighton, there was a large student population. I wasn't much older myself, having just gone through the student mill. My favourite activity was basically oggling at girls. I was fairly shameless, but it was so much fun. I think I just enjoyed the visual variety and the exchange of glances and the occasional conversation. However, it was always window shopping, I somehow didn't exude whatever intoxicant (charisma, confidence etc) the female sex needed, the young women just enjoyed the flattery. Forward wind a decade or two and something happened. Inbetween girlfriends I would still go to pubs and clubs and oggle and sometimes engage. It was a favourite activity of mine to chat slightly drunkenly to as many girls in clubs as I could get away with. I say chat, most of it was gesticulation. I still didn't get much luck other than the odd kiss and dance - although, my intention was always purely the sensory overload mixed in with sexual frisson - rather than getting laid, although that would have been a bonus. I've always been one for messing about with sensory experiences (note to self never do hard drugs Guillermo!). So. What happened eventually, was that my taste in young women with good skin and pert bodies, never really changed, but I did. I think it happened in my late thirties, say 38, I became painfully aware that I was old (comparitively). It's taken me ten years to get over that pain and I'm still coping with it. My tastes well, there's nothing I can do about biology. I can't force myself to fancy a wrinkly, fake tanned 48 year old, who dyes her hair. However, what has changed is my need to oggle and get my cheap thrills that way. Don't get me wrong, if an attractive woman (of any age) crosses my path, then whatever happens happens, I'm not going to stop it. But I've found that my focus has completely changed. It's hard to describe, but I'm a lot more present than I was previously. This means I'm focused on conversation and completely on the people I'm with, I'm not distracted and "out there" gawping at girls. This is a result of a lot of work, meditation, and just learning to be present at all times. I found something flipped this weekend. I went out for a birthday meal in a pub tucked away in a village. Naturally, I was dressed up, I always scrub up well as they say here. The young waitress asked for our drinks order and she didn't the know the drinks selection well enough, I got up went to the bar and told her what I wanted. I found her attractive, but thought no more about it (oh how I've changed). After a while, I noticed that from the corner of the adjoining room she was looking over at me. I just suspected she was being attentive just in case our table needed something. But no she was definitely eyeing me up. I was definitely flattered, and the shoe was now on the other foot. I tried to play it cool and not fall back into old habits, but couldn't help the odd glance. Anyway. Whatever I didn't used to exude when I was younger, I do now (well at least sometimes apparently). I think what I'm giving out is a confident-I-don't-give-a-fuck-non-needy demeanor. Maybe it's true some young women just like older men. Who knows? The thing is, what to do about it? Do I just take the hot heat of disapproval of society and my peers and just date a string of young women? Mid-life crisis anyone? Nah, I'm over my crisis I wrung it out for all it had. Nothing I can do about biology, and pertness and energy. Does a beautiful young woman have anything to offer me? Are you kidding? Hahaha. Do I have anything to offer a young woman, yup, my handsome looks, money, and keen intelligence. Oh, and spirituality, that too.

I suppose in a rational light some emotions are negative and some positive and some neutral. Although even seemingly negative emotions can have a positive intent behind them. I would say that a negative emotion is just a signal that something is out of balance, so complaining is a way to redress that balance. It seems to me that you'd have to be superhuman not to be able to feel any negativity, but expressing is different. Emotional mastery comes into it, and knowing when and when not to express an emotion. And as soon as an emotion is expressed, then it's completely open to interpretation, it may be seen in a negative or positive light depending on the people involved. Just my two pennies' worth.

Constantly. It's the most annoying thing ever (if pressing F5 can be seen as annoying). But I know why it's done: to save on server resources.

There seems to be no expiration to log ins on multiple devices. In other words, once you've logged in with a device you stay logged in forever (on that device) until you log out again. It can look like you're logged out because as @cookiemonster says you will get served a cached version (local copy) of a page unless you press refresh in the browser. The cached version of the page can be one from where you were logged out before.

Oh yeah, don't get me wrong, it's all manipulation. It just depends on whether the manipulation is beneficial or not. Generally, being outraged and complaining about an injustice is about reducing suffering for the complainant in the long term. But you have to be strategic and take a systems view of these things. Is your reduction in suffering more than the increase in suffering for the persons carrying out the supposed injustice? I'm guessing that it's not always obvious.

I hate to bring Spiral Dynamics into this (I don't really), but I wonder if happiness is different at the different stages? I like the video it's simple and soundbighty, but strikes me as a very Stage Orange way of being happy. For example, happiness is not a commodity, it is neither found or created (Orange). Perhaps happiness is a process dependent on many factors (Yellow)? Perhaps happiness is empowering people to have opportunities in life (Green). Perhaps happiness is realising that life is a dream (Turquoise). Just my random thoughts.

That's real love right there. Hopefully she gets the hint. Anyway, I'm out of here. No more joking around. Good luck.

Erm... go to the gym 4 times a week? Sorry I got nothing else. My only other observation is that couples will often copy each other as a form of bonding. If you're scrolling, then it gives your girlfriend a free pass for her to do it too (and vice versa). If you can lead by example and stop doing it yourself, maybe she will stop doing it too?

I would agree that all these are undesirable behaviours on the whole. But isn't there a space for them to be used strategically or in moderation? Sometimes getting riled and authentically complaining about an injustice can be beneficial. Maybe. Dunno.

Man, that's a big question. It needs someone with more wisdom than me to answer it really. I would ask it as a separate question. But being your own independent person helps. Do you have any activities, sports, hobbies or anything like that going on? Doing or buying nice things for yourself helps. Catching any negative self talk and stopping that helps (using meditation). Maybe daily positive affirmations. Dressing well, keeping hygenic and so on. Really, just being the best version of yourself you can be. Being actualized. EDIT The man himself has some advice in this area:

That's normal and healthy, if you weren't triggered then I'd say you were in the wrong relationship. Some women would even like to know that you're triggered by it, because it shows you're into them and you're prepared to fight for them. I don't like this sort of behaviour personally, but each to their own. Be aware that you may be being tested this way. Anyway, either you trust your girlfriend or you don't. If you decide to trust her, then you have to keep a lid on your feelings and do it 100%. Just have clear boundaries for yourself, trust her, but if she messes about then cut things off immediately. Make it clear to her that's what you would do.

If you can, approach groups of women, especially in club situations. Always decide on one woman you find attractive in the group. Approach her less attractive friends (it's easier) and ask them questions about the woman you find attractive, make it blatantly obvious you are doing this. Get the friend(s) to introduce you, they may even be excited about doing this. Honestly, it's not going to work every time, but it does work and it's much easier than approaching directly.