LastThursday

@Preety_India feel free to PM any time and I will try my best to offer you support. - Systemic Problems This post is a way to purge my annoyance, but also a case study to highlight how things go wrong if you don't think systemically. In my day-to-day job I produce a lot of reports our client. Effectively this is data analysis, but I'm no data analyst, I'm actually a software developer; when you work for a small company you end up wearing many hats. The system for requesting reports is for staff at my client's to contact me directly on my personal work email. This suits me on the whole, as adding any layers of formality and procedure doesn't make sense for a small company like ours. Formality and procedure is needed only when larger numbers of people are involved as a form of social cohesion and to stop chaos (tragedy of the commons). I was reproached - via email - by my client's top guy for sending out a report that he deemed I shouldn't have - data can be sensitive after all, even within a company. My initial reaction was to be infuriated, who likes to be told off eh? I've learned to hold off from responding to emails when in an emotional state though, so I slept on it. I tried to work out why I was infuriated. Was it just the knock to my ego and I was actually wrong and I should just suck it up? Was it that I felt I was being bullied in some way? Was the problem that I was unjustly blamed for a systemic issue? Yes, that was getting closer to the truth. My client's CEO suggested that report requests are vetted by him before I produce them (and as a way to assert his authority). The systemic problem here is that I'm getting requests directly from staff at all. All requests should be vetted even before they reach our company on the client's side. That way the onus isn't on an external company (ours) making decisions on their behalf. So my more mature response to the CEO will be to acquiesce to his demands (with the increased level of time and emails that entails), but also to suggest that he has a systemic problem and my solution for it - as a way to obliquely suggest I wasn't in the wrong, but he is. I will point blank to refuse to accept any wrongdoing on my part. He probably won't like it. And so it is with lots of similar situations where blame is being aportioned. A group of people get blamed for their lazyiness, for stealing jobs, for taking up resources, for not assimilating and on and on. Yet all these problems are systemic, there are nearly always larger forces at work: wars, poverty, migration, social organisation, inadequate infrastructure. Even on a smaller personal level, people are often blamed even when they acted as best they could - it's simply that they were constrained by whichever systems they had to operate in. If you are poor and need to steal food to survive, the individual can be blamed for stealing, or the system could be fixed so that poverty didn't arise in the first place. The next time you are blamed or looking for blame don't get emotional think instead: what in the system is causing this problem?

@Preety_India light travels very fast, so there's no problem catching up . I can see you have a hunger and creativity for change. I'm happy to help you in any way I can to get there.

Telescoping aerials. Matryoshka dolls. Onions. The concept appears in many places. It occurs most commonly when a thing is added on to layer by layer. It's a very useful way to fill a space and grow. That idea of growth by accretion in layers is at the heart of Spiral Dynamics. The idea of spiritual growth is no different. The ego of course wants to advance and outgrow and supersede and be bigger than the other egos around it. It has an inbuilt notion of constantly throwing away the older stuff and believing it to be laughable and silly. In this way it can't point to other egos and say: "that's so yesterday and dumb, I'm so much better than that [love me for it]". That sort of advancement by constant rejection of the old, is completely hollow and unloving and unnatural. It's as if we open the Matryoshka doll and nothing is inside. The last Ox Herding Picuture, the tenth one, is devoid of ego. The person hasn't thrown all the spiritual layers away. She understands that she too once hadn't even realised there was an Ox and that that naive person still exists in her core. She can re-enter the marketplace with full understanding and compassion because she still has all her layers of spiritual growth intact. She can re-enter and work from any layer and engage others on the same level as them, fluently as a native. Real spirituality is not just about ascending and growing beyond others' capabilities. It's about being able to engage others fluently at whatever level they are and gently pulling them up if they're ready for it. A mother does not talk finances with her child, she talks teddy bears and picnics, and enjoys her child's excitement.

This stuff is not for the chattering mind. All this talk of distinctions is just to keep the mind distracted with a good story. This sums it up completely: You are diffusing your "mind" and "you" into reality itself. You are learning to be indistinct from reality/God.

Different music has different effects on me. This track always makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. There's always strange mix of emotions. It's hard to describe why it resonates so much with me. Maybe a deep part of my Shadow is that I don't feel at home. I'm constantly restless, feeling lost and disconnected. I'm in need of a place to call home; wherever I look it's not there. What does home even feel like? I'm forever waging war against the injustice of feeling like I abandoned myself long ago. Everything is impersonal and un-familiar. I'm propelled forward only by the changing of the days and the whims of sea of change around me. If not for that I would cease to be as I'm unable to find true North and impel myself that way. There is no ground or earth to root to and claim as mine - nothing that will guide me when I'm unsure, comfort me when I'm uneasy, or return to after a long time away.

It's tricky. What you call the "mind" is yet another set of distinctions; what are these distinctions created by? If the mind isn't created by distinctions, then it must be infinite oneness as you say. The mind is in fact seamless with reality as it is all infinite oneness. If we redefine reality to be this way, then reality is creating distinctions within itself automatically. This must be true for anything to exist at all. If there's nothing to be distinguished then nothing can exist. This is how reality bootstraps itself from nothing, all it needs is that single spark of distinction and the rest follows. Distinction is built into the fabric of reality. Distinction is reality. "You" are yet another set of distinctions - and you can already see where that leads. Reality does what reality does. God does what God does. In fact doing is overstating things because it implies separation: a doer doing something. More accurately reality exists or unfolds or arises or is. So joy, peace and satisfaction are just more distinctions. The distinctions are in constant flux. Joy comes and goes and so does everything else. The utility of spirituality is in recognising reality for what it is - and not seeing yourself and your mind as separate from it.

Everything is always changing, decaying, growing etc. But that change happens at a finite pace. We can count changes and get time as a result. For example we can observe a swinging pendulum and count off how many swings it makes, to get time elapsed. The rate of change is observable and real, the elapsed time is inferred - it's a construct. Once an event has happened it's no longer accessible and so it is doesn't exist. All that's left is an imprint of the event in the present moment. You can count the imprints, and infer some time passed, but that's all.

It definitely hurts the ego to know that you're less smart than you thought you were. But it's ok. From a less ego-centred perspective all that's happening is that you lost in a contest of comparison. But smartness is not one dimensional, it's actually nonsensical to compare smartness between people; it's always apples and oranges. It may feel wrong, but even people who are smart in the same areas (say playing Chess), have different methods and intuitions, it's never a like-for-like comparison. The other thing is that there's not a ceiling on smartness. In a sense you're always showing yourself how dumb you were, by ever increasing your smartness. So even if you're only competing with yourself, you'll always be losing (and winning). This is the natural order of things. And, the ego being humbled is no bad thing. It gives you the space to appreciate how smart and wonderful other people are too.

I couldn't possibly comment

@Preety_India ??? that cracked me up

Prrrrr prrrrr prrrrr

Ok some assorted craziness as is my want. I'm going to model myself after some forum members. So look at me. I'm so effing amazing, you shmucks don't deserve to even comprehend what I'm comprehending, I'm so far above your level that I everything that comes out of my mouth is pure God wisdom. But's it's ok I'm so meta and gansta, that I can still love you, but my love is harsh like the light of Sun, both nurturing and deathly. I was just born at the wrong time, the world isn't ready for me and what I'm capable of, can't you see how much like a God I am. I don't need to do pickup, I don't need to psychadelic myself, I don't need ridiculously worded mystical advice, I am a real MASCULINE man (take a breath) and all sexes just can't help themselves around me, I'm just oozing charisma. I've got so many projects and ideas on the go that I'm going to be a millionaire next week and take the whole planet to the next level. I only grace this forum because I'm elevating the human race. (Gosh that was cringey) Next: Just been watching Missions (french Martian drama) and the immediately watched Gravity afterwards (what is it about Sandra Bullock that does something for me? Huh). It all ended up giving me that odd feeling of detachment from myself. I think it comes from experiencing something - albeit fiction - not in my normal sphere. We're constantly connected by an umbilical to our circumstance: that job, that house, that spouse, that bed, that food. We rarely get that chance to detach. I went through a 10 mile walk through North London just to do precisely that, detach. I was floating in space. But now I've landed again on my laptop. And more next: I have occasional moments of clarity whereby I see myself from the outside. Imagine talking to your friend John or Jane, yes just like that. It's as if I momentarily see myself as someone else, it's the most peculiar sensation. I know that that sensation is real, that the character of Guillermo is just a facade. I suspect at some point that detachment from the character will become permanent. One day it will just go pop and I won't be able to return. Oh and: This is not a story, it's a stupendous happening and here I am to witness it.

@Leo Nordin living the dream. Hopefully, you've got internet. It's definitely not for everyone. What I've noticed is that a lot of of these tiny houses are in the countryside and have a large amount of land right outside. I think this helps with not feeling too confined. If you're very much an indoor person, then having more room to do stuff in is going to be important - especially dancing. But there's a large variety of sizes of tiny house. I would like to think it would work for me, because given the right lifestyle and weather I would probably spend all my time outdoors. Or in an urban setting in various bars or coffee shops. You should write up your experience somewhere, it would be useful for others thinking of doing the same.

Because those perspectives can experience things that you don't and tell you about them? Oh, hang on a minute... who's doing the proving?

Yeah. Don't. Move on.

Immense work. Should be pinned somewhere no?

@Preety_India in a word: love. Healthy motivation comes from love. But pushing against that love, all action has a cost. It takes time and energy, focus and commitment and sometimes courage to act. To do anything, that love has to be stronger than the cost of acting. It's like a see-saw. You can either reduce the cost involved or increase the love (motivation). It's possible to have fear-based motivation and this can be effective. For example wear a mask or you might spread Covid. But it's a less healthy way to motivate yourself. There are many ways to reduce the cost of acting: planning, breaking big tasks down into smaller tasks, creating habits, getting others to do things for you, involving others in your plans, building up routine, reducing distractions, setting clear goals, having vision, deadlines. The list is endless. So. What do you really love?

Go meta. In what ways do you want to be more attractive? Who do you want to be more attractive for? Why do you think being attractive is important to you? You can set up habits and principles, but you should understand why you're doing them too, so you can focus on the right things.

We're all stuck in double binds. A concrete example is that my landlady increases my rent once a year without fail. I don't like this - who likes paying more money for nothing in return? In this case the double bind is that I cannot move without reducing my standard of living. This is because all the other rental properties in the area have similarly increased in price over time. And yet, my rent increasing is actually reducing my standard of living because I have less disposable income each month. In this particular example, I have many options: I could move into somewhere cheaper and smaller; move to a cheaper area; buy a property; move into shared accommodation. All have their cons. All involve some sort of increased suffering. The result is I stay put as it's currently the lesser of all evils. I could list out lots of other double binds I find myself in, briefly: wage slavery, familial ties, wanting sex and intimacy and freedom at the same time, being part of UK society, reliance on having money, and the biggest of them all survival. All double binds lock you in to a certain way of being and as a consequence restrict personal freedoms. It may seem possible to break a double bind by just walking away or not caring. For example you are in a relationship with an abusive partner. "Just walk away!" you might be told, but you're not financially self sufficient or have no other support: you have no ways or means to pay for rent (for example). It's either get abused or live on the streets. Similarly, it's an ongoing trope that the poor just need to work harder and not be so lazy. And yet the poor are in the double bind of survival, it's either poverty or death. The dating section of the forum here (oh what fun it is) is all about double binds. Young males are in a double bind: they have a strong desire for sex driven by biology and hormones, and yet it seems that desire isn't getting fulfilled. They are told to do this and not do that, and yet doing anything different means going against their very nature. They are also in the double bind of immaturity, to get their desires met they are effectively told to act and think more maturely, but in order to gain enough maturity they have to wait and suffer the uncertain process of maturation. All double binds cause a certain amount of discomfort and suffering. Some people never escape their double binds. Acceptance can be one way out of the suffering. Over time you learn to exist within the confines of most of your double binds and you just accept your lot. If life is a game then it is one with rules and double binds and you're simply not able just to do and be what you want. Society itself is a double bind, either you play by it's rules or it makes life extremely difficult for you. You could move to another country with a different set of rules, but it's no different. Even if you lived anonymously in a jungle away from society and living by your own rules, then you hit that bedrock of double binds: survival. You can choose not to eat or drink or sleep, but you won't live long if you do that. And yet, out of double binds can come a lot of creative energy. When forced to operate within the confines of a double bind, there is still generally a lot of leeway in what can be achieved. For example escaping wage slavery requires a lot of work and cunning: you effectively learn to live day to day by your wits and this sharpens all aspects of your being. It is stressful for sure (hence the double bind, wage slavery is less stressful), but humans are meant to live creatively and by their wits. In other words a double bind is sometimes a phantom of our own creation. Wage slavery is only slavery in our minds not in reality. And yet, you can't simply tell a person "don't be a wage slave!". To escape a double bind sometimes it is necessary to get a taster of something new to convince yourself that there was no double bind in reality. Perhaps working for yourself is actually the lesser of the evils. It then pays to be experimental around double binds. Test the waters and see if a double bind is actually real or just borne out of habit or ignorance of other options. But it has to be done in a way that causes least suffering and is authentic to your needs.

Good. At least one woman knows what she wants right? Maybe there's more like her?

Most women know exactly what they want. Most men just don't want to listen or don't know how to listen. This is exactly how women get supressed in society. What @Preety_India is really asking is: how do I know if I'm being duped? The answer is you don't. You only have behaviour to go by, you have to be sharp and attentive to notice and it may take a while to "work him out". Even the man himself maybe confused between love and lust and not know the difference. Men also don't know what they want.

I wasn't aware this was a stage in a man's life, but I suppose that was a figure of speech? The question is, is pickup necessary for a man to get sex, love, confidence or shape his character? The answer is of course no. Can pickup provide all those things in one package? Potentially, yes. Is pickup and the way it's talked about on this forum objectifying women? Yes.

If you're still out of the country, then wait until you are face to face with him before deciding anything. At least tell him that what he did for you was special and that you have fallen for him. I don't think you outright have to decide to move in straight away, you can just spend a lot of time at his place. With one of my girlfriends I spent so much time at her place, that it didn't seem strange for me to move in after about six months. Take some time to work out if he's comfortable with the idea.

I suppose it's a matter of definition I guess what this whole thread is about is active pickup and particularly cold approach in the street or club. The whole motivation is to "pickup" women for sex like you are going hunting for rabbits. I'm advocating not doing that, but as you say living life in whatever situation you find yourself in. But also not having that "hunting" mentality to it. Simply genuinely enjoy yourself and let that signal attraction when the situation arises. I'd say 99% of attraction is unconsciously motivated, just being open, agreeable and enjoying yourself makes you instantly more attractive/interesting to everyone.

It reminds me of the slogan here in the UK: Drink Responsibly. An oxymoron if ever I heard one.