LastThursday

Apathy.

There's two approaches which I use: Structured approach Unstructured approach With the structured approach, I use it for work that doesn't excite me very much. Mainly I use the Pomodoro method, with a pattern like: 30,5,30,10,30,5,30,20,30,5... all in minutes of work/break. This works for me because paid work is mostly boring and I'm very easily distracted by more exciting things. With the unstructured approach, I use it for work that does excite me. I start and then keep on going until something happens, nature calls or I get hungry or I feel brain fog coming on. My breaks will be longer to go and service my bodily needs. I may go for a walk or have a nap. After feeling refreshed I'm back to it. I tend to work in much longer periods, maybe 90 minutes or two hours between breaks. I find naturally that working longer than about two hours my brain starts to switch off. So this is a more natural approach to work.

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Some insights into the world of dating:

I had some musings on the epiphenomenon of thought and being a "me" in a body. One question that continually bugs me is why am I me? The slap your forehead answer is: because I'm not someone else. But there's no joy in that answer, the alternative answers fling you down a deep rabbit hole of existentialism. One of those anwers is that the notion of me is just an epiphenomenon. The analogy is like that of a computer, hardware and software. The hardware is of course physicality itself, all those transistors and silicon. The software is the configuration of electrons in that all that hardware; electrons themselves also being physical, but the combinatorial properties of shuffling electrons around is the epiphenomenon of software. So it is with "me". The hardware is the stuff of consciousness, colours, sounds, smells, the software is the sense of a "me" inside a body and being a world. The stuff of consciousness arranges itself combinatorially (in patterns) out of which runs the program of a self. This analogy has a strong whiff of the simulation hypothesis. In a way it is, a "me" is being simulated, as if I were a computer game character; except the hardware is definitely not a silicon computer and the software is not electrons running a program. So what should I make of this fact in relation to asking myself "why me"? The first thing is perhaps the software is such that it has tendency to ask this sort of question about itself, maybe it's completely an epiphenomenon of no value whatsoever; if the software of "me" were to be wiped the hardware would persist and do its own thing. This is just enlightenment from a different angle. Enlightenment is just trying to break the programming enough that these sorts of questions are meaningless, it baldly points out that I'm just software and a frivolous epiphenomenon, and that the "me" can become aware of this. What enlightenment is, is the hardware asserting its authority over the software. Ok more about the question "why me?". What's the alternative? Maybe I would jump from person to person and time period to time period Quantum Leap style. In this scenario some core essence of "me" would remain between jumps, because if it didn't I wouldn't be aware of jumping at all. I say "person" because hardware-wise that is the nearest analogue that would fit my program. If I were to jump into a fly, the "me" program would have a very hard time running. If I were to jump into different persons, then that core essence would bleed into that person's character. There would be a discontinuity in that person. If you go to the literature this indeed seems to happen (walk-ins or possession for example). What about jumping around in time? This should be possible too as an alternative. Again the hardware of consciousness is all-powerful, it can manifest anything it likes. Time period is a very high level concept and involves notions of change. For example to say I could jump into a Victorian gentlement, my core essence would need enough knowledge to realise that this had happened. There is this sense again, that my core essence would have a hard time running say 10,000 years in the future on a foreign planet, so would prefer more familiar time periods. Maybe the idea of familiarity or compatibility is all that's needed. I am "me" and not "you" because if I were to jump around inhabiting different bodies and time periods, they would be too alien and basically incompatible with the software. I stay as "me" in this body because the software refuses to run on any other hardware. Don't get me wrong though, hardware is not materialism, it's not that "me" couldn't run in your body, that's not it, it's because "me" runs on this particular configuration of consciousness. That's the problem with epiphenomenons, they give the air of being detached from the substrate that gives rise to them, but in reality they are the substrate behaving in certain persistent ways. I am consciousness not separate from it, it's just that that consciousness has become configured in a certain way that gives rise to a "me". This begs the question of whether "you" actually exist. Maybe the reason I can't jump from body to body, is that there is in reality one instance of software of "me" running, otherwise known as solipsism. You see the software is programmed to recognise other persons and to reflect that back onto itself. I see two arms, two legs and a head that talks at me, and recognise that as some sort of analogue of "me". So not only is the program simulating "me" it is also simulating "you". Don't confuse the raw conscious experience of a person (hardware), with the experience of seeing your mother (software). The hardware itself does not recognise anything at all, any attempt at recognition or familiarity is all software. All the hardware is able to do is be aware, and it is aware of itself, all the rest is hardware configuring itself into software (like physical electrons running in physical silicon). So we have a picture of the raw consciousness of the world with the singular ability to be aware of itself, and the rest is simulation. Even enlightement can't jack you out of the simulation, because if it did everything would cease to make any sense at all, like turning off the power to the computer (and aborting all running programs). The power of enlightenment is over-stated. So, why me? Because I am an epiphenomenon of a slice of consciousness, that has sandboxed itself. The only option open to me is to modify the program of "me" running enough that the hardware asserts itself more strongly.

I have a dream to write a book of some sort, either fiction or non-fiction, and see my name on the spine of a book in a bookshop. Are you thinking about or actually writing a book, and what genre is it and why? How do you keep up the motivation? Have you written a book, what's it about and why did you write it? Any tips on getting started?

I guess there's a sober realism about what he says, that makes it less than fun.

Appreciate what is not truth.

I understand now. So the same roots as: interstate and superstate.

Hail Ra: https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Great_Hymn_to_Aten https://www.worldhistory.org/Ra_(Egyptian_God)/

Some people do remember everything since birth, that's why I posted the video. I admit it's rare, but it doesn't seem to affect the actor in the video negatively. I guess she has no reason not to remember. In any case you're specifically talking about autobiographical memory. You actually do have perfect recall for other memories, such as walking and talking, or maybe riding a bike. And certain smells or places can trigger recall of some autobiographical memories from a young age. It's even possible that some people have other (autobiographical) memories from a different life before birth (although I don't have a view on this either way). Some people can miraculously start speaking a new language or have artistic skills after illness or head trauma, where do those memories come from?

You could ask the converse question: what's the reason for remembering stuff? My earliest memory is being tucked into my pram by my mum and looking up at her, so that's before I could walk. There appears to be no reason to have that memory, it serves no purpose for me right now. Why that memory and not the thousands of others? Still some people have perfect recall:

I'm ambivalent about buying a house. I ought to do this for future financial stability. House prices keep increasing, so negative equity is not a thing any more, all your money is yours in the end except for the cut the bank gets. This situation is better than renting, where your all your money goes down the sink. But once you've bought the house you are chained to the mortgage and the bank "owns" you, realistically this means you need a steady income for long periods: probably wage slavery and having a partner who also works (in case you lose your job), banks get jittery about lending money to the self-employed. You will be paying more for a house than for rent in most areas, maybe 1.5 to 2.5 times. Saying all that, you can just sell the house at any point, you take a penalty for breaking the mortgage early, but there's nothing stopping you. Or alternatively you just let your house out if you're going to be away for long periods - although the norm is 18 month rental contracts (in the UK), but unlikely less than six months. However, there are a lot of regulations around letting a property and being a landlord, unless you have some informal arrangement with a friend. It's swings and roundabouts. It's a commitment to pay for and maintain your own home, but most of the money you get back at the end. On balance, the older you get the more it makes sense to do. In my case I don't have a partner to share the risk of defaulting, and I will essentially double my payments each month, which means reduced money for leisure.

Let me take you by the hand and lead you to a new self. Let me take you by the hand and lead you to a different way. Let me take you. Let me take you quickly; slowly. Let me take you by the hand and lead you to Nirvana. Let me take you by the hand and lead you to a unity. Let me take you by the hand and lead me to you.

I'd say concentrate getting into a flow state around women. A flow state is a kind of calm focused attention with no mental resistance or chit chat. Up until you talk to a woman it's all positive body language and eye contact. This can all be learnt. Any negative intrusive thoughts you have at this stage will signal in your body language and women will spot this immediately. Learn to trust your body, let it flow and be itself, get out of its way. Once you open your mouth, you can stay in that flow state. You've already mastered speaking, so there's nothing to do but talk. Your bodies will know if attraction is there or not. If so, what you say doesn't matter too much. If not, then smile, say thank you and move on.

Interesting insight. So write the book for with your agent in mind...

Perspective does not exist. Only this exists imagining perspective.

You can suffer physically, to go hungry or to have bad health. You can suffer mentally, to think the worst, or to lose hope. Most mental suffering comes from telling yourself bad stories, it's letting our imaginations run the show. The answer should be obvious, drop the stories. Keep bringing your attention back to the present moment, being present now and not lost in fantasy. It's not easy to learn, but it is simple. Meditate. Understand that everything that's happened to you, is no longer happening to you, it no longer exists. Let it all go.

@Raptorsin7 my shortlist: Intelligence - must be able to communicate well and think for herself Self sufficiency - must be able to operate without me Complementarity - strong in areas I'm weak in and vice versa (e.g. I'm hopeless at keeping contact, lacklustre at organising) Agreeable and level headed - not too based in emotional thinking to the exclusion of analytical thought (balanced), doesn't overreact or get easily overwhelmed, isn't moody or erratic. Spontaneous/adventurous - able to do things without having to plan weeks in advance, can leave home without make up, is comfortable with dressing up and dressing down, happy to try new experiences. Financially stable - is able to go to a restaurant or book a hotel without breaking into a sweat about cost. I'm going to have to look at her a lot, so ongoing attraction and to have that reciprocated. Not much really...

I found it! The picture of the place in NZ I was talking about two posts ago, although it doesn't really do it justice: Some I took of Salisbury Cathedral: I forgot about the rabbits:

(beauty alert) Thinking about beauty makes me emotional, it seems to stir something inside me. I want beautiful things in my life, beautiful people, beautiful surroundings, beautiful experiences. I went through a phase nearly ten years ago where all I wanted to do is be immersed into beauty, and I travelled, visited many many art galleries and museums and tried to have beautiful experiences. I was constantly emotional to the point of tears. Even now I can't work out whether my emotions triggered this seeking or whether the seeking triggered my emotions. I have had this constant nagging sensation that I'm missing something or I misplaced a part of myself somewhere along the line. A few minutes before starting to write here I worked out what it was, you guessed it: beauty. My listlessness and lack of motivation is caused by one thing only, and that is a lack of beauty to my life. I really thought that what was holding me back was my mediocre circumstances, and my mediocre self and that was causing my lacklustre approach to life. All I needed was to be more excited, more extrovert, harder working, more committed. No. I'm excited and attracted by beautiful things and people. In that race for comfort I've pared everything down to the essentials so that I could live as a distraction free life as possible. My teenage years so unbalanced me that I withdrew into austerity and self deprecation, I didn't want life to intrude and assert its unwanted distractions and tribulations. I was never allowed to sit still however, life won over me. At university I was constant motion, after that I had girlfriends and careers to think about, constant socialising and my family never let me off the hook with their incessant neediness. Inwardly, I gave up all responsibility to myself and lived for and through other people. Through no choice of my own (I think) I've been given the chance to get what I always desperately wanted: mostly to be left alone by the ugliness and neediness of life. I've managed to take a deep ten year breath and managed to regain some of that balance I lost all those years ago. I've stopped being beholden to anyone (except my employers and landlady). I'm really free to take flight. I've wiped the slate clean so to speak and now I need to fill it with something. It has to be beauty. Not some limited definition of concensus beauty, but a wider more embracing kind of beauty. I need to be grateful for the beauty around me I already have and even just to recognise it and nuture it. Also, I need to learn what beauty really is to me and pay very close attention to it and be guided by it. And lastly, I have to actively create it for myself, be inspired by it, excited by it and let it motivate me. When I fantasize about the things I want in my life and who I want to be, I realise now that there is a common thread. I'm ready to tug on that thread.

@gettoefl it's good to see the process from the other side too.

@Sine great advice, thanks for sharing your method. I have written in notebooks, especially when I was backpacking. I guess the takeaway is to get into a regular writing habit. I do journal here and that's it, but actually writing in a notebook means I can do it anywhere anytime. Have you written a book?

Happens once or twice a week. Normally around 9am UK time. I just assumed it was server load.