LastThursday

Normally Sunday afternoon when I'm doing extreme ironing.

@CreamCat with less teeth.

True magic. The effortless manipulation of the fabric of reality: conciousness. The 'laws' of physics will seem old fashioned.

Perform the following experiment. Choose two different objects. Hold each one at arms length, let go of them both at the same time. What did both objects do? Describe it to yourself. How is the description you told yourself different from the actual event? Is gravity the actual event, or the description?

Honestly, a feature length episode of quality content you'll find nowhere else every week for the last however many years FOR FREE. Give the guy a break. If he put out an episode a month and made me pay for it, it would still be worth it. As Leo says endlessly you need time to DO THE WORK.

I guess ambition (perhaps passion) can be both a pull and push effect and even both simultaneously. Maybe the creativity itself is not the ambition but this: I see the word 'need' in there, isn't that a deficiency? I don't really mean to break it down so much, but I just don't grok ambition - it's interesting to me to get to the crux of it. Isn't it just a future oriented process and as such a kind of story you would tell yourself?

Are ambitious people deficient in something? They strive, because they are lacking in whatever it is they have ambitions about? For example, if I'm hungry doesn't that make me ambitious about finding food? Or is it something else? Are stamp lickers fulfilled?

@Zigzag Idiot what is the difference between being conciously aware and not conciously aware? I mean I get it, you can compare yourself to another person and say, "gosh they're so unaware and distracted and they identify so much". But what do you do when it comes to yourself? You can't compare yourself to yourself. How would you know if you yourself are consiously aware? And what do you do if someone else tells you: "gosh you're so unaware and distracted and you identify too much"? Do you believe them? Would it suddenly make you conciously aware?

Cheers!

@Zigzag Idiot but what controls attention?

An ocean in a salty tear, a blink a blink for every year, that passes by, Tell me: what trick am I?

Cool breeze against my skin, Soft warmth of breathing in, Waves break gently again, and again, Where did I end, or begin?

I think many get their knickers in a twist about wasting time and being distracted. Think less about thinking less about being and distraction and wasting time, it's a distraction and it wastes time. Instead. Breathe. There's no question about not being 'concious'. You are conscious 100%, every second of your existence; there is no 'off' button. There is no better or worse, full stop. All comparisons are utterly ridiculous and futile. There is no insanity, because in the end that's just a comparison: which is utterly ridiculous and futile. There is no free will. 'You' are not in control of your life, your thoughts or your experiences. Nothing is happening to you. Just let you happen, the same way that everybody and everything else just happens. And pay attention to that.

Is there anything outside of awareness; does god lurk there too? Is god infinite in extent? Why is god infinite in extent? Is my manifestation of life a predestined game of god or a completely random and arbritary dazzle of lights and perception? Does god have a memory? Why? If I am god, why do I not have access to infinite experience? Am I an automaton of/for god? Am I a kind of toy or game for amusement? If god is eternal and I am god why do I not remember eternity? Am I just a shard or splinter of god, if so do I really matter that much? If god is non-dual then why duality? If I can only 'access' god through psychadelics and meditation, then exactly what is it that I'm experiencing now without psychadelics and meditation: is that a lesser god or no god at all? Is direct experience god? What is indirect experience if not god? Is god actually everything or are some bits left out? Is god, dog spelt backwards?

Ignorance is an affliction you had before becoming more aware. You will always be ignorant, but you won't realise it until it's passed.

True, but I'm not going to force it. I'm just going to increase my chances. If it doesn't happen by the end of the month, then so be it, move on.

Yeah, I did think about the impracticalities of it. For me personally, it's about getting over my own inertia. I don't know if you've read the Mastery book, but I have a bit of a Hacker mentality. This means I constantly distract myself with lots of different things with the result that I never get anything done. Taking a month run-up is good amount of time to seriously get into something. Also it's about working on all aspects of my life and not just spirituality. I'm keeping the order of things very flexible. I think I'll spend one day a month thinking about what I'm going to do the next month. Hopefully, all the months together will create some sort of synergy. Let's see what happens! I'll write it about it in my online journal.

I have a romantic notion of doing something different each month - to improve my commitment and focus. This would involve just doing that one thing each month and nothing else! No Youtube, TV, blah blah blah. Obviously eating, bathing, holiday and going to work and seeing people are still in. Items on my list in no particular order are: Jan: meditating, consciousness work, Tai-chi Feb: learning more piano pieces/music production Mar: buying a house (may take longer) Apr: writing a book - any book May: finding love (partner) Jun: planning my escape from wage slavery/ life purpose/ more rewarding employment/ setting up business Jul: artistic endeavours, sketching, computer art etc Aug: running a half marathon, getting fit, gym, badminton etc Sep: improving my social life and social skills, clubs, face to face meetups, Toastmasters? etc - no social media Oct: learning to fly aircraft - that's a bit more out there though Nov: helping/teaching/volunteering/mentoring others Dec: world domination Happy new year! Hip hip.

Dear diary, I woke up today after having dreamt about an ex of mine. In the dream we were knocking about in a large house. She seemed somehow distant and disconnected, and I knew the game was up. She was doing her things, and I was doing mine. There was a strong sense of not being a 'unit' any more. I woke up with a kind of sadness or melancholy of sorts. I had several realisations just as I came to. It seems my dreams are firmly fixated in the the past. They invariably involve characters from my (distant) past. This is in contrast to my daytime thoughts, which revolve more around what's happening 'now'. I can't shake off the sensation that there's unresolved stuff that needs sorting out, and that if I sort it out, I will feel freer and lighter and happier. It's like someone is screaming a message, but I'm deaf to the words. I don't understand the language! I need to keep listening and eventually it will click. Second, is that there seems to be a genuine difference in the quality of consciousness between having my eyes closed an having them open. It's hard to describe, but it felt quite stark as I lay in bed and it's something I hadn't been aware of before. When closed, there's a kind of floating disconnected sensation, almost a kind of pleasantness. When open, everything becomes stable and concrete and matter of fact. It's like having my eyes open distracts from an underlying 'more real' version me. Other concerns: The watch word for today is: Ambiguity. This is one of my greatest bug bears in dealing with people, be they friends or family or work colleagues. People are so damn vague and non-committal (yes the irony). Other people just seem not to notice or care about this at all. Except, very strangely, when I deliberately play the game back to them. Maybe I'm just too unsubtle in my gaming of non-commitment, and it shows? Going meta: why does it bother me so much? I think it feels like I'm missing something from my interactions with people. What is it I don't get about ambiguity? Am I supposed to make the first move in resolving an ambiguity? Or am I just supposed to 'read between the lines' and respond accordingly? Or do I just ignore it and carry on regardless? If you were to ask me to organise a get together for a bunch of people, I would refuse: the ambiguity and non-committal nature of people would simply blow my mind. Going meta meta: fuck ambiguity.

I guess every journey starts somewhere. Sometimes it starts without even knowing it. And by then going back is impossible and forward is the only direction. I hope to capture snippets of the moment, in the hope they they'll congeal into something that I can use to propel myself forward. As an experiment and to kill an addiction, I'm not going to edit anything at all. As soon as it's down, that's it! I hope it's not too bumpy. Current Thoughts: What is real? If everything is real, then what is illusion and delusion? Are they real. Yes I think so. But so what. Maybe it's more important that it's useful. Do my delusions help me? Aims: Get a handle on where I should be going and stop stewing in minimalism. I have driven my life down to the bear essentials in order to reduce stress and responsibilities and commitments. But in the process something is lost. Do I recover what's lost by losing my identity as well? Or do I ignore spiritual practice altogether and sleepwalk through the rest of life? Here goes.

It's good, but there's a bigger picture. All life on Earth shares the same DNA. We are in fact just one organism and you and I are just limbs of this crazy monster with a trillion trillion parts. We are not just related, we are the same thing.

Don't forget that women are human beings too, just like yourself; even the beautiful ones. Rejection often hurts the rejector as well the rejectee. Have compassion if you're rejected. Some prep is good, but nothing beats just doing it. You can think about skydiving all you like, but actually doing it doesn't even compare.

Damn. Doing an online journal is bringing out the commitment-phobe in me. I don't think I've quite grasped why avoid commitment. Some of it is to do with avoidance of pain. This is kinda ridiculous, as pain has no particular correlation with commitment. In fact some of my proudest achievements in life have been done through commitment. Did they cause pain? Yes, of sorts. I think I avoid pain because it seems stupid to go through pain, if it can naturally be avoided. No pain no gain, has always seemed to me a strange way of motivating people, it's a disengenuous way of being. 'You will succeed, but it will hurt', just seems spiteful. But in every saying there's a nugget of truth somewhere in there. Maybe it's just commitment with no foreseeable end? A prison of commitment. Maybe that's closer to the truth. The sort of commitment you have to bear by going to school or work or in a marriage or bringing up kids. I've neither been married or had kids. But I've seen enough examples of crap commitment to marriage and bearing kids to put me off. Why commit if your intent is half hearted or half-witted? So I do commit, but only if my heart is in it and I have enough knowledge beforehand. Perhaps this is too limiting a way to be? No commitment, no progress. I think my lifestyle minimalism has come out of this way of being. Avoid commitment, by keeping things stripped down and as simple as possible. I also have a fetish for minimalism, small is beautiful. Large, is unwieldy, scary, dangerous even. But I think my life needs largeness, I need to expand out, not stay shrunken in minimalism. My soul wants to be as big as possible, to be the best version of myself.

Having a super-intense curiosity about how things work, without passing judgement. Thinking in depth about everything. Putting knowledge into action.

Aiming high is great, don't stop doing that. Aiming low or not aiming at all is limiting. Aiming high is freedom. But aiming high takes work, some of it unpleasant, some of it boring, some of it may seem pointless or strange or going away from Truth. But. Nothing is wasted, it all counts in the end. The Truth will come to you in due course.