billiesimon

I have never experienced something like this, not even on psychedelics, even though I've had around 50 trips. I've been practicing sober inquiries for 4 years too. Today something exploded in me and reality got completely recontextualized and I am in a deep state of identitarian confusion now, I have trouble doing human stuff because I'm still in shock. @Leo Gura of course this is not the God realization you talk about, but this is the deepest I've had and the most shocking part is that it's completely sober and it has escalated SO QUICKLY.... I am scared now. Here it is: I went to a meditative walk three hours ago. I love doing Eckhart style walks, challenging myself to become more and more conscious of my perceptions, I allow thoughts but I treat them as normal perceptions, not too seriously. I managed to keep this deep concentration for an hour and an half, and when I reached home I was so present that every movement and perception was slowed down in time. Deep silence, there were thoughts but these thoughts were not different from the other perceptions, nothing personal. Time was slowed down, deep silence, and a deep sense of mystery and of flowing easily with life, no worries. I decide to lie down on my bed to relax in silence. I enter into a DEEP meditative state (closed eyes) where my senses become fluid and like some kind of psychedelic blend of perceptions. I MELT INTO MY OWN SENSES in darkness, it's a melting pot of thoughts, emotions, sounds, feelings, smells etc. Everything melts into undifferentiated senses. Time STOPS. Time stops. ..... I wake up. I wake up but there is no billiesimon. I AM DEAD. I wake up, my body moves, I see the room, I am nowhere, I am in no time. FORMS ARE LIQUID, they are static but I deeply feel how liquid and mysterious they are. They are like clay, a clay I don't know how has the power to model. There is no identity, there is no one here, but forms. THERE ARE ONLY FORMS THERE IS NO ME!!!!!!! This bed, this wall, these hands, these are all true but there is no billiesimon here, it makes no sense!!!! There is no life here, only shapes and "perceptions" floating in the deep silence of NO-TIME. I am DEAD. I am dead. I am dead. .... After several minutes of staring deeply in love with these silent shapes, a voice comes up, finally. "Hey, hey, hey, this is not normal, billiesimon, please listen to me!!!" What? "Please remember." What? So.... my identity started to come back. I started to REMEMBER that I have a name, a past, a human agenda, a life-story, which seems quite imaginary now. In the end the voice GRASPS ME and BECOME ME. It's MAGIC. I've NEVER seen in my life formlessness become form (ego) in such a deep and clear way. I am a specific form now. I am billiesimon. PANIC AND TERROR. "Oh my god what the fuck just happened?!?!? Am I insane?????" Fear and terror, but the deep silence and the "melting forms" sensation remains there, calming me. It's ok, it's just a thought, it's not real danger. ------------------------------ I have no words to describe this, especially because it's completely sober, and it has escalated quite quickly (two hours at most), from a baseline common level of consciousness. I've had important glimpses on psychedelics, but this is another story because I've never had such a complete ego death with psychedelics. I was completely dead, yet I was so alive, because there were just Forms, there was no important distinctions between any form whatsoever, and time was COMPLETELY GONE. Timeless forms, united. No personal self. I don't know how to interpret this because it's not an emptiness awakening, it's some kind of "melting distinctions into silent oneness". The sense of mystery completely OVERPOWERED ME. Inexplicable mystery. Reality is TOO REAL, I HAD NO IDEA that reality was SO REAL. It literally felt like reality was way beyond realness. It's insane. I hope my identity doesn't get damaged by this because I feel some kind of fearful backlash now. @Leo Gura sorry for the long read but this was devastating yet blissful to me. I have no word to describe how beautiful forms are in that state. Hope you have some advice

It was a temporary state, but my baseline of consciousness has gone up. My everyday consciousness is a bit higher now, and I reach a good level of concentration/presence a lot faster. I think that now it will be easier to reach no-self again. I deeply feel that something subtle has changed. Today I did some self inquiry and I felt much closer to a state of samadhi, even though I did not reach it. Objects/perceptions are a bit more real now and I can notice way more how unconscious my everyday life is. It's literally a walking daze. Some of us have no idea how unconscious life is

Yes, exactly. The ego/human identity creates distinctions and meaning. My life story and the world history were gone, and so all human meanings and labels. It was really pleasant because there's a huge silent freedom in this, and my consciousness was closer to truth than before.

Yes, I believe it was a blending of emptiness and oneness too. It's more an experience of Anatman (Anatta). There was no cosmic Self, just fusion with a silent experience. I am really interested in moving up towards the true Atman, which is more of a Hindu-style awakening. Anatman is the classic buddhist experience.

Yes, I know, I'm following your work. I want to reach God realization. I'm trying to catch up but it's a long road

I'm not giving up spirituality, I've worked for it for almost 4 years But I need to slow down because it was intense. Why does it come back stronger?

Well, I meant dead as a human ego. But I am once again in my human identity, it was just a temporary state. Well, I wanted to know if it is possible to go deeper with sober techniques since this was all "manual work".

Plenty of philosophers believed that God = logos. I find this accurate in the sense that God is creating reality following an intelligent architecture and has a "plan" for all his experiences.

I feel like I'm going to be mindfucked several times in the future. Even though it already happened a few times ?

@Leo Gura I have been following you since the early self-inquiry videos, vedanta style (before 5-MeO), and I have seen an ever-evolving arc of deeper and deeper realizations. I have also benefited spiritually from you a lot. So the question arises: could there be a deeper, more awake, layer than God realization? And, I'll go as far as saying: could reality be an infinite regress? For example, under material reality there's nonduality, then there's God consciousness, then there's another material reality of which God is just a byproduct or a small insignificant component, then this deeper material reality has its own Oneness, then it has its own higher-order God etc etc etc in an infinite regress. Is it possible? it's still Infinity, if you think about it. The only problem with that is that invalidates the Self, because it might mean that even the Self, or Absolute I, is a fiction, or just a small sample of reality. What do you think?

Blink 182 ?⭐

I think you're talking about radical recontextualization. I have experienced hardcore recontextualizations of objects and even my bedroom with salvia divinorum. The object remains the same but it has lost ALL human contexts, labels and perspectives. Is this what you mean? Also, this experience has some salvia vibes in it

This is a huge step towards progress. Of course the end goal is to decriminalize all psychedelics, especially DMT, 5-Meo, Salvia, mushrooms etc. Really important progress

The poetic description video was one of your best but I think you have had a lot more spiritual insights after that. Can you do a new video about the newest levels of awakening? Also some new techniques for sober inquiry would be really interesting

Yes, I totally underline this, about Salvia. Salvia Divinorum can actually be a powerful nondual psychedelic, but it needs to be understood and mastered. I've done several light and medium trips with it. It has nice healing powers. But the best part is how it makes you realize how everything in the universe is "in your head", because that's the feeling that you get. The entire universe is some kind of content inside the context of your "metaphysical head". No other psych has given me this kind of insight. Really shocking.

The first one is incredible... The concept and its color rendition are something really close to a talented human artist. That's insane

Ok, thanks for the explanation, I still can't feel this boredom when I reach higher states, only attraction for the nondual state. In my direct experience I don't have the answer. I'm only certain of being "stuck" here in this no-place. It feels like my human life is a deep dark mystery. The only glimpse of answer I got was "I like the challenge of starting as a resentful loser and then becoming a loving and wise entity." Which is exactly why I have stopped resenting my victimized past and started feeling deep compassion for everyone. But... Yeah, in those peak states I feel like there's satisfaction in the challenge of "from loser to loving being". I've become such a bleeding heart since I've started spirituality 4 years ago, I can feel empathy even for insects (even though I don't like them and have a bias). Your question is really deep, it's no joke. It triggered this profound reflection, I needed to write it out to you all On some level it's hard because now I feel too much compassion and it's making me a people pleaser I know you might say "compassion it's just a dream bla bla", ok, I'm not arguing. But... yeah, I'm trying to convey what I can't convey. In those states, sometimes even during your "hand meditations/inquiries", I get that devastating feeling that I'm not here to fuck around with a useless commoner life. I'm here because I am special. Not in the egoic sense. I'm special in the selfless meaning. I'm special because I can grow from resentment and hurt (my past) to share compassion with everything. The process of feeling love for insects even though I have strong biases has shocked me precisely because I got it from your famous hand meditation Yeah, I really needed to write this out. It's a really really vast and intricate question.

Have you felt this even in the higher states of god realization? I have felt so much satisfaction in my experiences of nonduality that I find it hard to believe. Is it even possible that the Godhead feels boredom? Boredom is a slight negative emotion, not a nondual state.

It depends. My first time with 2C-B-FLY I was already experienced with LSD, and already have had some small spiritual insights. I got serious fear of choking, fear of death and deep anxiety on the come up. Like some kind of small 5-meo trip. At the peak I got powerful bliss states and cried a lot for the beauty of nature and life. So, yeah, it depends. I fear 2C-B-FLY trips, they are harder than LSD for me. I've had 4 trips of this compound and it evokes really strong emotions, sometimes shocking. I remember I was trying to remove the 2C-B-FLY from the body by going to the toilet (plugged) but it was too late. And it was not a big dose, around light-common, 10 mg.

That's amazing! I have a decent experience with spiritual insights on psychs (40 trips) and even in some deep sober inquiries. Would you recommend a THC trip? Could it be beneficial?

But I guess that after the death of this form there is no eternal black void. What happens if this form dissapears?

I've read a book from @Leo Gura 's list about the law of attraction, and I don't understand if it's just mumbo jumbo fairytales or a real spiritual phenomenon. I've also noticed that everybody in the spiritual community believes in it. Is it true? What are the right explanations for it? Maybe Leo can answer

Another feeling I often get is that it's just shapes moving, but the awakening process is not related to the forms moving around. It feels like a big eye, and this eye is all the human senses, and this eye is the whole universe watching itself. An eye made of different shapes watching themselves. Really weird but I get it only a few times and it messes with my psyche a lot.

I can't, since I don't know myself as God in the present moment while writing this. It's a memory from a "past" experience where I contemplated the question. Of course the insight might be wrong, but I feel that psychs are nothing special, since i've had even some small oneness moments in my normal dreams. So it's not about the psychs but all about God's plans for the ego. Sometimes I feel like I have no other choice but to walk the spiritual path. But if you have a different experience I am open to hear it

From my own experiences with psychs, it's not a paradox. Psychedelics seem to be just a form, like all the others. They are just dreamed up to be the enhancer of consciousness. In other words they are just a "plot device" to wake up more directly than classic spiritual techniques (which are also plot devices). I mean, there's nothing special in psychedelics. They are just chosen by God to fit that role in the story. At least that's what I have contemplated INSIDE a psychedelic trip