billiesimon

Yeah, you are right, I focus more on being conscious than on inquiring itself. But I still call it self inquiry because I do it to get a "feeling" of who I really am, by silencing my sense of identity. My end goal is to find out who is really Being Present.

I'm still new and conceptualizing is an easy trap for me

Yeah, I try to avoid the theoretical mode, because it traps me into monkey mind. That's also why I don't use "verbal" self inquiry. I mean... I don't use the questions like "Who am I"? I just sit in silence after meditation and observe reality and my feelings to try to "feel" my Consciousness. Sometimes what happens is that my bodily sensations become distant, like my body is some kind of movie character, and sometimes I get absorbed by the scenery I am seeing, like I become partially connected to the moon/sky/horizon etc and lose a small sense of "human identity". I don't know if it's the right way to do it, but I'm doing it this way because I feel like it's a lot easier to merge with awareness with this method, for me. The verbal questions get me distracted by monkey mind, so I prefer to use this meditative state of "forgetting my identity".

Do you mean that I shouldn't conceptualize what happens to me on self inquiry? P.S.: are the practices I'm using correct? It's hard to understand if I'm doing it right, since you get such a tiny feedback from the inquiry

I want to add: Sometimes I self inquiry by looking at a star or at the moon, and focusing on the perceptions, gradually losing my sense of identity in the process of total focus. Sometimes what happens is that the star or the moon starts to distort like on psychedelics (but I'm sober of course) and the visual field around it gets very blurry and pulsating. Generally, when the visual pulsation becomes quite crazy, I've some few times felt a sensation of fear inside me, like I was getting lost in deep space and never to be found. And then the ego kick back immediately and I can't refocus again on the moon.... I'm like smacked down on earth again and defeated. Is this a sign of partial ego loss (during the inquiry) or self deception?

What a mindblowing experience +++ DISCLAIMER: this report seems like a bad trip, but in fact it was an AWESOME TRIP! It just felt very very cold and "noir", like a thriller movie. But I was in a nice quiet state all the time. +++ This is my 4th psychedelic trip (the others were with 1P-LSD). -- Condition: empty stomach for more than 8 hours -- Pre-start: I assumed 400 ml of grapefruit juice, just as recommended in the reddit community, to boost the duration of dxm's psychic effect -- Meditation for 40 minutes -- Set the intention to explore how reality works -- Assumed >>> 200 mg of pure DXM in syrup format (no other active substances, only sugar syrup) I'm shocked because the amount of dxm was pretty low, and I expected low results. Not this explosion of "madness". THE COMEUP I tried to execute this trip outdoor, at the park near my house. I went out for a walk, and then, when the comeup was building, the rain started to pour. I ran with my body still decently sober and took shelter inside my car. I decided to stay there, since the trip was building up and I needed to stay safe and put. My body started to dissociate from me, and I started to feel like under anesthesia, numb, sleepy and confused. I remained calm, present, and waited in the car silently. ALIENATED FROM MYSELF After several minutes inside the car, I started to feel this CONSTANT "what the hell is happening?" feeling. Like I was in a state of constant mystery and awe. This sense of deep, mystical mystery was the theme that accompanied my WHOLE trip. It was devoid of all emotions, except the emotion of confusion and mystery. I'm used to LSD, which is very warm and loving, and so DXM felt very distant and detached to me. I reached a point where I coulnd't feel my body that much and my head was somehow spinning in confusion. At that point... my sense of time was stretched and almost paused for more than 30 minutes. I lost myself in observing the landscape and the street, for what seemed like 15 or 20 minutes, only to realize, watching the phone, that it was only TWO MINUTES!!! My sense of time slowed down so much! SELF INQUIRY = DESCENT INTO THE HORROR At this point, both fascinated and creeped out by this weird feeling, I decided to try to do self inquiry in this powerful detached and dissociated state. It was very easy to just sit and contemplate reality, since my body was very numb and my mind was pretty clear from thoughts and from my sense of identity. I still had my core identity (age, birth, job etc) but not all the stories I tell myself about my persona. They were gone. ° 1st self inquiry attempt: Pretty freaky - I was capable of becoming completely still and statue-like and observe/hear reality from a deeply neutral and peaceful point of view. To be honest it was somehow between peaceful and thrill-inducing, like a detective movie. I could feel the mystery of existence in this completely still observation. At some point reality seemed to crystallize in a totally frozen state, where everything seemed to be eternal, like the stonehenge monoliths. ° 2nd self inquiry attempt: DAMN SCARY - After some minutes of chilling out in my ego and just checking my car, I decided to try again, and to go deeper. I reached a state of total stillness of my body, while looking at the empty street. My mind was completely clear and present. And then.... my ego got "frozen" and put aside. It was still there, it was not dead, but it was in some kind of standby, not interfering with my contemplation. My gaze was fixed on the street, like I was a statue made of marble. This greek column, made of the color brown and dark yellow (in a sort of tribal pattern), appeared in my imagination and was fixed in front of me. The column started to disintegrate slowly from the top down to the bottom, very slowly, leaving a trace of dust from its disintegration. AT THE SAME TIME, while my body was completely ok on a visual level, my hands and feet started to DISINTEGRATE on a TOUCH level. Which means that my sense of touch perceived that my bones and tissues from my hands/feet were disintegrating into dust like the column in my imagination. While all this madness was happening, I was staring at the column in absolute conteplation and adoration, and I was in stil blissful state of total neutrality and total detachment from reality. There was an egoic voice inside me telling me that I am disintegrating and that I need to stop, but I was raptured by the ecstasy of the colorful column and the magic of perfect disintegration. After some moments my ego kicked back in total despair >>>> "AAHH!!!!" I screamed briefly. I frantically moved my hands and feet to check on them and to gain back control of my identity. This part was so IMPORTANT to me because I realized for the fist time what it means to get inside the ego. It's like entering a really confined and tight place, where you have to respect the borders or the owner gets mad at you. The ego is very wary of you stepping out of it. That's why I felt the need to regain "control" of myself. The ego seemed to be completely terrified of my disintegration fantasy. 3rd and final self inquiry - YOU ARE WELCOME. COME IN This is crazy. I know that the most experienced of you will already know this, but to me it was completely unexpected and SHOCKING. But in a good way. It was mysterious and thrilling, but also very fascinating and magical. I sit again in contemplation, after some minutes of chilling out. My body is still completely dissociated and my ego is still weak and blurry. I look at the street, I breathe regularly, I have no thoughts, I focus intensely on my perceptions and the origin of this perceptions. I focus, I focus, I focus. Only external reality exists in this moment, not me. And then IT CRACKS. Reality cracks open. OH MY GOD. My visual field remains exactly the same of a normal sober person, but.... i feel a deep crack in the matrix, like some kind of illusion was removed from me. IT WAS FREAKY AS FUCK!!!!! I could literally feel that everything I was seeing and hearing was somehow... how can I say... a movie. But not just a movie. An infinite and perfecly realistic "painting" which could become "real". But still a painting. I started to feel a lot of HIGH AND DEVASTATING vibrations coming onto me, and they were somehow pleasant and somehow painful. They were like waves of hardcore energy bursting at me and reverberating in my mind. I've NEVER felt anything like this before, it's insane. Now the crack in reality has opened, I'm starting to freak the fuck out really badly and I notice that my body seems like A DEAD CORPSE on the car seat. Oh my god. I feel NO connection to my body, I feel like a soul floating inside my head, but detached from my body and egoic mind. And reality is this artificial painting that's been revealed to be created by someone. The crack now has a clear opening. It has cracked open. I FEEL THE INVITATION. Something is inviting me to come in. There are no words, no entities, nothing. Just me and the crack in reality. But I CAN FEEL, I CAN FEEL that Source is behind that crack in reality. At that point I was 100% sure. I was sure: If I accept the invitation.... my ego will be dead. I will merge with Absolute Consciousness. Oh god. Oh god. I am both blissed out and terrified. I start to get closer to that cracked opening, while reality is completely crystallized in a painting-like state, so absurd!!! I get closer and the invitation is becoming more seductive and ecstatic, but at the same time I can feel my identity starting to collapse and die out. "AAAAAHHHHHH!!" Something inside me, my ego, screams at me to stop and I scream in terror!!!! I refuse the invitation from Source and shake my body violently, CLEARLY FEELING my soul getting back inside my ego!!!! It was sooooooooooo insane!!!!!!!!! The feeling of coming back inside is so totally freaking insane!!!!!! I have refused the call. I listened to my ego and came back in my self image. Why did I do it? When I was approaching the cracked entrance, a voice in my head started telling me "if you enter in that crack you will DIE!!!! You will DIE!!!! They will find your corpse in the car and your life will be over!!! STOP!!!" Woah.......... ... .. . After 30 minutes of chilling out, the high state of the dxm subsided, and I regained a normal sense of reality. That night I didn't sleep at all. I've thought about the invitation from Source all night. I guess shoud have accepted. Let me know what you think about it, and if you can give an explanation

This is the video. Of course he says that thoughts and emotions are "dreamlike" and illusions, but he also says that life itself is real. I don't understand. A lot of spiritual traditions actually state that life is an illusion and a "manifestation" of the universal Consciousness. So it is just mind and fantasy. @Leo Gura too describes in his experience life and reality as a dreamlike state, made of Consciousness' capacity to manifest. Why does Sadhguru say that, apart from thoughts and emotions, life is real?

Very interesting. Yeah, I'm definitely in the category of "psychedelics are vain dreams" when I'm using them I feel in a magical and unified reality, where there's love and pure interconnection. But after a psych trip I always get an ego backlash of feeling that reality is actually really crude and dumb like the concrete of the streets. Spiritual experiences tend to give me the loving side that I needed and that my scientific paradigm was denying me. It's actually a really amazing process. By the way, really shocking story about your niece

Ok, now I get it. It's just a duality to see imagination opposed to reality. In nonduality they are the same I guess.

But what I don't understand is.. The butterfly dreaming of being a man is a real experience? Does he mean that?

Today I did my usual meditation practice, but increased it to 40 minutes (and will remain 40 for some time I believe), and then... after some hours, I was laying in bed and I started thinking about Consciousness and the fact that I still can't grasp the Silent Watcher (as Eckhart calls it), the Awareness behind our eyes that is always present. I thought "Where is this Consciousness in me?". And then it happened. I gasped in shock. ""WHO is asking this question?!?!" Who is asking that question? My ego? Or my Consciousness? I literally don't understand, I'm puzzled. I can feel that there's something weird happening in my mind, but I can't tell if all this "self inquiry" questioning is the voice of my ego or my consciousness. I feel somehow torn between two views of myself. Someone can help?

@Leo Gura, you mentioned that psychedelics are made of Consciousness like everything else in this reality. But you didn't explain in detail why are these specific molecules changing the dials of awareness and not a rock, or water, or other random substances. Why are LSD, NN-DMT, AL-LAD etc so accurately able to change the dials of awareness and not the other molecules? Aren't all molecules equally made of Consciousness? That's the only thing I didn't quite understand in your video.

It's so weird, man... I mean... I think my former psychedelic experiences have unlocked something in my sober awareness (this event happened in my normal life after a normal meditation). I am millions of miles FAR AWAY from enlightenment, but.... I can actually somehow remotely feel that there's someone watching all of this "billiesimon" experience from behind "me". And with "me" I mean my concept of self image. It's really weird and somehow disturbing, because I feel like my usual everyday identity is becoming some kind of show being watched by this Observer. But again... it's just a glimpse of a shadow of this Consciousness... I can't even see it directly. It's there. I can only feel this. It freaks me out.

Amazing response But should I just passively accept the present moment or follow my bliss? When it comes to being present I mean. I don't understand this paradox between accepting everything and following the path of your highest vibrations.

Like identifying with it, I guess. It's hard to grasp this "feeling" because I am becoming more aware of the fact that I'm aware, but the sense of "I" is becoming now torn between the self image of billiesimon, and the awareness behind his actions. Today I've done several things in a state of "Am I just inside a random body? what the hell is happening? And why do I have a voice?". This madness is very weird, I was a lot more stable when I just believed I was this random guy with some random problems. Now it's becoming blurry.

Actually you are somehow right. I like studying edgy spiritual topics, and I love Leo's work exactly because it's very edgy and groundbreaking. Certainly I would love to discover new shocking aspects of reality if I found a way

That's probably the best explanation we have so far. But the depth of the mystery is more about why Consciousness decided to create random molecules that trigger this huge spiritual expansion (and why Consciousness allows them to remain illegal) instead of giving us a natural internal power of expanding fast.

After my mindblowing starting experience with psychedelics, and after more than a year of constant meditation, I have discovered in these few recent days that I have this weird feeling in my head and body after a meditation session. I feel "cuddled", somehow buzzy, peaceful and very relaxed. I exit the meditation session with a very cozy and mellow sensation, like being lightly drunk and slightly happy in an idiotic and content manner. And this started to happen recently because now I tend to meditate by just focusing on the flow of energies in my body and this generally dissipates all my thougths and give me a warm sensation during the session. Basically I've noticed that this type of meditation raises my vibration. Am I doing something wrong or am I going in the right direction?

I'm floored. I have no words for the magic that Source has created on this Earth, and how much it loves me. It loves me so much, and I've been ignorant of this energetic umbelical chord I have with it. It's in all of us. Maybe @Leo Gura can give some insights I've had three psychedelic trips total, and this one is somehow the fourth one, but it's not an actual trip. DOSE: around 40 ug 1P-LSD, which is almost nothing. But it has breeded SO MANY INSIGHTS that I'm shocked as hell now. - Setting: I've taken it while doing my daily activities, mainly because I was curious to see how it affects my daily normal life as a very tiny dose. I'm shocked guys. My INTENTIONS for this dose was to try to discover PRESENCE and CONNECTION TO SOURCE, as an Ego. I'm not talking about enlightenment. I've taken a walk along the river, to relax and chill out alone. And then the LSD started pumping in my brain. - Zero visuals - Zero high states - Zero special effects of senses BUT ASTOUNDING PRESENCE I was SOOOOO clear and sooo immersed in the magic of the present moment!!! The river was so magical, so beautiful in ITS NATURAL LOOK, it was my usual sight as a normal person with no psychoactive brain. Yet the river was so beautiful. The sun was enchanting. The grass was so perfect and green and full. Life was STILL. There was NO RUSH. NO ANXIETY. NO PAIN. NOWHERE TO RUN. At that exact moment, as I was completely enamored by the beauty of the present moment, a beauty I'VE NEVER NOTICED in my everyday chores and walks to the house.... I finally connected with Eckhart Tolle. YES. NOW I UNDERSTAND. Now I understand why he sits on the bench for an entire day. Why he speaks so slowly. THERE'S NOWHERE TO RUN. YOU HAVE ETERNITY. Oh my god, I was genuinely floored. I love Eckhart but.... I've always found hard to understand his attitute to life. Now I understand. He FEELS the eternal present. After a long pleasant walk with zero badass graphics and zero badass sensations, I noticed it. I noticed it. I forgot all my past. And all my possible futures. There WAS NO PAST!! OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!! I literally lost the memory of my past for several minutes!!!! It felt like being a child again!!!! And then, after this , the final MAGIC OF PRESENCE. I was walking towards my house and a group of kids (I'm 30) walks towards me and I'm peacefully walking in total bliss without noticing them. They are happy too, and we seemed to be doomed to crash into eachother. Then the magic happens. I literally feel a magical force moving with love my feet and body to avoid the happy children, and we literally cross eachother gracefully like a dance. Normally I would have felt nervous about crashing into them or hurting them, because they appeared out of nowhere. I literally felt Source gently moving my body such as to avoid MY and THEIR BLISS from being disrupted. I got back at home in a state of total happiness and childlike fullfillment. "I am so pure. I am so innocent now. WOW!!! The infinite source is ACTUALLY giving me life force, and guiding me, and I've NEVER NOTICED it my entire life!!! The last insight is that I've also noticed a strong river of energy (prana) moving through my spine (I practice the chakras when meditating usually). I've never felt the energy of prana in my normal life, only sometimes in meditation. It was so INSANE!!! I was feeling an immense stream of FREE ENERGY coming directly from the source, just for me. Because Source loves me. Yes. It loves me. And now I've started to listen to it. I'm so addicted to source energy now. I want to listen more. Thanks.

Ahah What's your experience with ayahuasca? Did it clean up all your emotional blockages? I'm interested in it exactly because of this Yeah, I'm discovering that my hot emotionality is actually my spiritual asset, while in the past it was demonized. Amazing that's one of the facets of reality manipulation that I'd like to learn. Super amazing

So you are naturally gifted for psycheds, right? I appreciate your suggestions I am a natural empath and I also have huge passion for emotions (I'm easily moved by emotions). After the 3td trip I've kept this identification with masculine Love power as my own power, it resonates with me so much, that it has increased my self esteem a lot as a boy I was ashamed of my passionate heart and now I'm claiming it back thanks to that trip. It was soooooo intense and raging, it was like Spiritual Love was my warrior nature, I felt like a tribal hero charged up with masculine Love and Pure heart ??? I'm planning on trying out some ayahuasca-related plant, which is perfectly legal in Italy here ? I was dreaming of trying it in an open field, alone, on a sunny say I'm also interested in learning how to bend reality with mind, on psychs. I would like to see if I can master imagination to shape reality ?

I'm shocked by this because all the reports I've read on reddit tell that 40-50 ug just give you a weird sensation and that's all. To me it was insane, it released all my stream of prana connected to Source. There were moments in this semi-trip (I wasn't even tripping but in my normal ego) where I was feeling literally fed and nurtured by Source, and I was as happy as a child. At the end I also cried some cleansing tears If you want, read my previous trip, which was a literal explosion of Love for the Earth, it's the thread previous to this one It was 175 ug of 1p-lsd, and it triggered an explosive ecsasy of passionate Love in me

Thanks, I'm going to watch the video

Since my "eternal present" psychedelic experience, I have this subtle feeling that I'm just experiencing my own personal perspective of reality and that there's no objective reality out there. Since I've started going really hardcore on self love and meditation, a lot of random people I know have started to evolve, out of the blue! And also my reality is becoming more and more loving and peaceful. I mean, material reality, not just my emotions. Am I the only one in my physical reality?!? Are there 7 billions different "physical" realities out there? Each for every single mind? I'm pretty shocked by this feeling. But my last psychedelic experience has demonstrated me that I am shaping my reality. So.. There's no objective reality out of my mind? Can some of you explain this? Am I talking to myself with this post?

I'm asking because I don't know if it's just me or not I'm still shocked by this feeling and I want to understand if I'm alone or there's an actual physical reality.