billiesimon

That's amazing This authenticity and interconnectedness with others is actually one of the reasons I seek awakening. Also seeing reality in its purest form.

I wanted to ask you about this. Does social interactions/networking become emotionally easier to handle after awakening to the truth of being everyone? I mean... If you dissolve the concept of separation, does the emotion of effortless connection with new people arise? Does awkwardness and shyness dissolve? After all, you've just realized that they are all interconnected with you. Right?

I don't understand this... If there is no collective awakening, why do you (as Leo) continue to see non-awake people in your everyday life? The vast majority of people is obviously asleep, even though they are part of you. Isn't it so?

HEALING THE SHADOWS #1 Resuming the path of shadow work I have practiced a fair amount of shadow work in 2019, which was the year that I started with the intention of changing my old self into a new self. 2019 has been the year of deconstruction, of meditation, of spirituality in the form of theory and basic mindfulness, and the year of SHADOW WORK. At the beginning of this year I've had somehow abandoned shadow work in favour of more mindfulness and the path to dissolving the ego. But just after my Ketamine Trip, which blasted me into a strong ego-weakening state, a lot of deeper shadows have arised, and immediately the day after the trip, I have started to clearly feel a knot of dark emotions and insecurities arising. The Ketamine has unlocked deeper and older shadows that I wasn't aware of. At the beginning I was bothered by this revelation. I wanted to feel already healed, but.... after a few days I freaked the hell out, and my shadows were now on the open. I have realized that I have to heal these newfound shadows. Heal them, and then reintegrate them into my soul. I want to thank 2F-Ketamine for forcing me to accept and recognize these shadows, because I was totally unaware of them. Since I had healed the shadows from 2019, I thought I was ok. I was not. But now I'm aware, I can feel them. They need my help. Tonight I have sat on the grass in front of my door for some minutes. I have felt genuine and soft happiness, not a solid happiness, but a lighter and milder form. But it was there. And what's the good news? I have finally felt that my shadows are starting to heal. It's the first step, but I could clearly feel that they WANTED ME to enjoy the present moment, to connect with the night, with nature and with eternity. Yeah, it's going to be alright.

MINI INSIGHT - CONTEMPLATION #6 Reality is always magical and childlike, but we are ignorant about it I've sat on my small lawn, tonight, for 20 mins, and contemplated the sky and the sounds of the night. This worldwide crisis.... maybe it's forcing us to look inside. Maybe it's forcing us to stop living like zombies, running around, looking for money and forgetting our humanity. Maybe I'm here, sat on the grass, enjoying the night breeze, EXACTLY because of this crisis. Now it's so quiet. Now I can hear nature, and the city too. As I contemplate the night, the empty street, the peaceful breeze, I realize that thought are dissolving. Thought are dissolving in the night. I am peace. I am here. Yes, I am here. I have forgotten what it means to just sit on the grass of my lawn and enjoy the night as a kid. Thoughts are useless, thoughts are like a nightmarish voice, robbing me of the present moment. Now, sitting here, I realize that there can be happiness in the present moment, in silence and without artificial stimulus. Authenticity may be the answer for happiness. I don't know. But I'm gonna find out.

What does this mean on a spiritual "seeking" level? Are you going to shift to just self inquiring/being present to the moment?

I've just seen this short funny video, and after my ketamine trip it has struck me as very INSIGHTFUL. It mesmerizes me, it moves me to tears, and joy, and presence of being. Is this what Consciousness is? A cat watching lights, colors, events, everything changing, ever changing. And enjoying it, without judging it. Is this a metaphor for Consciousness? To me it definitely is Even though there is pain, I am still watching this life unfolding ?

Hey! This is my first trip with Ketamine, to be precise the legal version of Ketamine (here in europe): 2FDCK. I have just one experience with dissociatives, precisely DXM, and you can find the report in my profile. This Keta experience, which is my first ever, was.... literally ALIENATING. But not a bad trip. It was utterly fascinating, DEEPLY MYSTERIOUS and deeply mesmerizing. It actually left me with MORE QUESTIONS than before. -- Technical data -- Empty stomach since 5 hours Night-time trip, around 3:00 AM 2 hours beforehand I assumed 500 ml of grape juice - the fruit's enzymes act as a slow-down for dissociatives, letting you have a longer high state I meditated 45 minutes before the session I did 15 mins of self inquiry just after meditation Dosage: 75 mg of 2FDCK >>> Plugged rectally (following all @Leo Gura 's tips for plugging) ---- THE EXPERIENCE ---- >> The quick start 5 minutes after the plugging, my body started to feel sleepy very fast, and I sat on the carpet of my bathroom with a nice lamp lighting to keep me calm. The first 2-3 minutes were still very "normal", I was still my old self, with still a very strong feeling of being "in control". Then.... after just 5 minutes.... IT PUNCHED me so hard!!!! BOOOOM!!! I had switched from a consciousness state of "it's ok, I'm still me, it's still same old reality" to "what?!? where am I? what is this existance? why?? why is this even real? why am I here?!?" It happened without even a transitioning! I literally switched from being "self-conscious" as always, to BEING without a concept of my self or a concept of "my reality". It's so weird, I can't describe it. It's not describable! >> The mystery movie I remember I was looking at the bathroom tiles and the bathrobe and they felt so ALIEN. These objects are my ordinary life objects, and they are so dumb and unnoticeable in my normal life... yet they were so mesmerizing and MYSTERIOUS! Oh god, the mystery!!! The bathrobe had these spirals (which it has in real life too), but... during the trip these spirals were so MYSTICAL and so UNEXPLAINABLE!!! It was like looking at an alien artifact, or a south american ancient artifact. By the way... 2F-K has no visuals, no sensory effects... it shows you reality as you perceive it daily, but what changes is the state of consciousness and the levels of ego. My ego was reduced A LOT, to about 30% of it. And my state of consciousness was of TOTAL MYSTERY, THRILLER-FEELING, like in a noir or psychological crime movie. It was deeply fascinating but slightly scary at the same time. My ears had this constant ringing, which was pretty loud, like some kind of static noise in my head. My mood was almost non-existant. I was very neutral, yet at the same time I was really puzzled and dumbstruck by the deep mystery of existing and witnessing reality. >> The insanity of existing (peak state) Since the assumption of the chemical, I never looked at the time, until the start of the comedown. Time was really slow... slow... slow... For some brief instances it looked like I was stuck in this eternity FOREVER, in that moment forever... and it scared me as hell. Then the absolute peak happened: I was 90% dissociated from my body and from my thoughts. My body was working all alone, without Billiesimon participating. My thoughts were passing by like clouds, and I didn't even notice them. For some brief minutes I WAS PURE WATCHING. I WAS PURE WATCHING. I WAS PURE WATCHING. I SEE. I AM THE ONE THAT SEES. I JUST SEE. I HAVE NO MIND. I CAN ONLY WATCH. This body is not even mine. These thougths are just random noise, what the hell?! This place... what is this place? What is reality? Why the hell do I exist? I am pure seeing, I am pure watching... why? This place... this house... this situation... this everything... WHY?!? NOTHING HAS A MEANING!!!! IT HAS NO MEANING!!! IT'S JUST SOME ALIEN PERCEPTION!! EVERYTHING IS AN ALIEN PERCEPTION WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!!!! And I don't even know what "me" means. >> Ego kicked back a little . The need for security At some point I believe my EGO kicked in.... and I felt the need to brace my legs and body, like a child who's scared... I grabbed my phone, while my hands felt like random meat and bones, and NOT my body. I sent some messages to my friend. He was asleep. I found comfort in sending the messages, it felt a little bit more like reality was still the same old. I could barely talk, my instinct was telling me that talking made no sense, that my state of being should be enough to communicate with others. Why should I use words? Can't I communicate just by being? The use of words feels so alien and so weird.... I managed to send three short audio messages, with very few words like "nothing has meaning" or "reality is so alien to me", in a very calm, sloooooow and very neutral voice, almost like a ghost voice. >> The Source calls me I reverted back to keep meditating on the present moment, I realized that my ego was in the way of my true objective: finding the ego death. After some contemplation of the bathroom tiles and the flowers depicted... I felt this Void calling me... I understood that if I continued focusing on the present and meditating... I could have reached a state of basic ego death, some kind of void state. I could tell it was the case, because the more I was meditating , the more I felt like I was completely losing EVERYTHING. Time, space, identity, concepts of life, everything was melting away and I WAS BECOMING A CAMERA. The more I meditated the more I was becoming a NEUTRAL CAMERA, STARING AT THE WORLD. The call from the Source became loud (as it happened in my DXM trip) and then the entrance to the Void was offered to me. Even this time I refused... again.... As I approached the Void in my state of presence, an explosion of FEAR AND TERROR rushed into me, and my ego screamed at me to stop immediately. The terror was so strong that I started to mentally say "no no no no!!! not this time! I'm not ready!!! I might die!!" Again... Source closed off the entrance to the Void and I was left alone with my ego, feeling safe, feeling "as my old self", feeling somehow angry for not accepting the call. But it was so massive... the entrance was so massive... I never entered the void, but... JUST THE ENTRANCE WAS SO MASSIVE..... I couldn't stand it. I WANT to enter it, but I was not ready this time. I was not ready. At the end, as my ego regained power, my body had some nausea, some pain in the stomach, and some small bursts of terror, as my reality was coming back to normal. At the end, I regained peace and a very pleasant feeling of sleepiness. I went to bed. I was not ready. Just the entrance alone was so immense and scary... oh god. But I SWEAR I WILL ENTER!

This might be because psychedelics adapt to the personality and the mind of the user. To be honest I didn't find it hard to contemplate. Instead of a drunk feeling, I had a strong alienation feeling, like I was very PRESENT in reality but at the same time very SHOCKED by reality. Like seeing wild animals for the first time.

I believe I will follow your advice and keep doing it both ways!

It's a very aggressive substance... compared to LSD at least. It's also very scary. But fascinating

Yeah, the meditations, self inquiries and trips will continue for me But do you mean consistency with the SAME psychedelic, or consistency with psychedelic use in general? - BTW I hope you will release a new updated video on how to get insights and growth on psychoactive substances! -

Thanks Leo! LSD has done shadow work on me, but it seems to NOT remove much of my ego. Ketamine instead seems to be very hardcore on the ego, it has robbed me of a lot of my identity in a matter of 5 minutes... But yes... I recognize that it is not the best of psychoactive substances

I attach here my recent trip report with some insights below: Insights: #1) I might be a CAMERA just looking at reality, experiencing reality. My thoughts are not me, but perceptions passing by and entering the scope of the camera. #2) Reality stripped of the ego is UTTERLY MYSTERIOUS and ALIEN. It has no meaning but it also has a deep unknown nature, which is NOT the meaning we give it in our normal everyday life.

MINI INSIGHT #5 - After a session of 45 mins meditation + 20 mins self inquiry There's someone experiencing all of reality but I can't find it I feel the perceptions (sight, sound, touch etc...) but they are NOT me. I am not the perceptions. My body seems to be just perception, so I'm not the body. I'm SOMEONE that seems really hard to find! The biggest insight of the last sessions (recapped in this entry) is that my true "I", my true identity, seems to be here and now but.... it's also nowhere to be found! But still I don't have the answer! I just have understood that it's not my body, it's not my perceptions and not my thoughts. But I still can't grasp that FEELING OF EXISTING. The understanding of "just existing"... I still cannot grasp it. And it's frustrating because I can understand that it's always here and now... but yet I can't.

I've noticed society has a very strong attachment to seriousness and cold hard structure of living. Since I've started my self help journey, I've discovered that I have a huge tendency towards art, free expression, chaotic lifestyle (except for meditation, self inquiry etc, which I do regularly with discipline) and sharing expression. My family and even some of my friends are disgusted by this "non productive" artistic way of expressing and organizing one's life. I don't understand why. On the the other hand, since I've started with self help, and especially SINCE starting with psychedelics, I have developed a huge disgust for societal norms and societal need for cold productivity. You can also say that I've become a full blown stage green guy. What I want to understand is... who's more in tune with reality? Creativity or productivity? Seems like the whole of society judges me as an airy fairy person now... I'm good at creating and appreciating meditative insights, but it's so rare to find aspects of society which appreciates this.

I completely agree on this part. I am interested in awakening from this matrix, and I don't want to waste 40 years, I want to see fast momentum and interesting insights at a decently fast pace. Will you release a full updated guide on how to reach enlightenment according to your new knowledge?

I remember an old video of yours, where you said that one of your friends (who's into spirituality) can withstand a dentist session without anesthesia. Is that right?

Mh, ok! What about touch and hearing? Do they remain human-like? I have some experience with LSD and they don't change that much.

You said this regarding the visual field of 5-MeO-DMT. Do you mean that you can see distant galaxies by looking at the sky? Is that the infinity you mean?

This interests me a lot. I have found some small insights with active inquiry and active focus, but I have problems understanding the "do nothing". Does the "do nothing" approach bring up insights/shifts in awareness? But what's the difference between aware "doing nothing" and non-aware "doing nothing"? You should still be laser focused on perceptions I guess.

(MINI) INSIGHT #4 45 mins session - Looking at my hand - sitting in a meditative pose "Seems" natural to separate my hand into segments, and these segments tend to become more and more. My whole arm, then the two pieces of arm and the hand. Then the hand has 5 fingers. Then each finger has three phalanxes. And each phalanx has a lot of lines and smaller and smaller lines. So what's the right border? How far can we go with the separation? Seems like it can go on quite a lot, if my sight's zoom wasn't limited. And then.... I see that these "lines of separation", like the lines of the knuckles, or the lines of the nails etc... they are NOT borders. They are ACTUAL entities. They are like brush marks, they have a body, a color, a shape.... so... these are not separation lines.... What if the "separation lines" that we humans see are just imaginary concepts? We actually need some concrete things to use as "separation lines" to actually see separation. And here comes the true mini insight: Borders, markers, which in reality are just OBJECTS like everything else, are NOT lines of separation. They are lines OF UNION. The hand is UNITED with ALL of its lines, shapes, colors etc.... We are conceptualizing separation because we see different qualities in the hand. Some parts are tall, small, white, red, pink, blurred etc.... but if I look closely... they are ALL GLUED TOGETHER!!!! Diversity is a feature of union, but it can be conceptualized by the mind as separation. It's my mind that's trying to FIND SEPARATION!!! OH GOD!!! Lines of union are just lines of union. But we THINK about them as lines of separation. Separation is union. Or at least so it seems by observation.

I'm pursuing awakening through meditation, self inquiry and even testing some breathing techniques for shadow work and consciousness. I've started and I'm doing all of this for just one purpuse: Unity and absolute Love. Feeling reintegrated with reality and with my self. Finding the completeness that I've never felt in my life. But... apart from the "classical" goals of awakening (unity, truth, love etc).... What are the success-related benefits? What are the social life benefits? What are the physical-health benefits? In a few words: Does spiritual awakening give you a psychological empowerment if you want to achieve success? (in a conscious manner of course) Or is it just getting the absolute Knowledge and then reverting back to living a loser lifestyle? (but with mystical knowledge in your head) My intellectual guess is that once you awaken you get so much confidence in Love, in Life and in your Existence that you receive a HUGE BOOST in your practical success-related lifestyle. Am I right or wrong?

This section here made me shed some tears. Yes, I got a glimpse of this suffering Earth with LSD too... but not so intense like yours. It's like this collective emotion is all around us but we can't hear it in a low state of consciousness... Makes you wonder. I'm happy for your renewal experience But I believe you should shoot for enlightenment, since you've come so far!