billiesimon

To be honest, now it's been 4 days since the intense experience. And I seem to get worse and worse in mood. I thought the experience was going to make me happier in "normal" life, but I am feeling more and more depressed... what the hell? I have a growing lack of motivation and lack of passion for my life since then.

Totally agree. The interesting fact is that on reddit all the reports about 4-ho-met are about having fun and getting wasted

Yeah, 4-HO-MET works great with plugging. It is slow to come up though. It's around 20-30 mins of slow come-up. On empty stomach. But it shows great introspective power, even though it is a "party drug".

Yeah, but only recently because I was obsessed with reaching a first glimpse of Consciousness. I generally wait 4 weeks between psych trips And I'm still somehow a newbie. I intend to wait around 4 weeks before attempting another exploration of consciousness. Especially because this one was very intense ?

Thanks ? Seems like my literature studies at the university was valuable at least for writing reports

I've also... finally... had my FIRST spiritual awakening ever!!!! I am speechless... yet I've found some beatutiful and poetic words to describe it. I LOVE YOU TOO

HEALING THE SHADOWS I've been away for some days now, because of a lot of ups and downs. But I still kept my daily onenote diary And have made more progress in my shadows. I have healed another little bit of shyness and self worth. Yeah, I am important, I am free. I am part of this immensely valuable existence. ?????????

Thanks it was both the happiest moment of my life and the freakiest. But why can't I identify yet with being Consciousness? I've noticed that it has manifested as a "third person", talking to me, hugging me emotionally etc. Is there a reason why it does not still feel like I am the One? That Voice had to TELL me as a third person that I am one with it.

This is a very weird but amazing period for me. I am going through some hard moments, fights, crisis etc... but... I am also going through a lot of growing, spiritual growing and lifestyle growing. I am actually HAPPIER. I appreciate the present moment MORE. I can sometimes clearly feel that I am immersed in this ocean of existence, and I feel warm and slightly happy. Yeah, it's definitely one of the most important phases of my life. I am changing. This might be the change I have ALWAYS wanted in the past but never actually started. Now, i realize, it is HERE. I am living it in the present moment. Yeah. You have to trust the Consciousness in you. It is vibrant and alive. If you are ready to listen, it will show you the way to evolve. Thanks ???

No, my car is just parked near my house. I went for a walk and then relaxed inside the backseat of the car, because I was already outiside walking and I was tired

This has been the first experience where my ego gets deeply damaged and demolished, even though it is still not an ego death. Psychedelic: 10 mg of 4-HO-MET, plugged Empty stomach since 8 hours Time: around 8 pm I meditated 30 minutes before the session Intention: I want to "wake up" more to my true nature. I want to be more conscious. I also want to heal even more emotionally. ---- THE EXPERIENCE ---- I walk out of the house to get some fresh air and then find some nice spot to sit in the paeaceful evening. I feel the chemical becoming really intense on my body, but my mind is still completely clear. My body is now ON FIRE!!! I can literally feel hot lava flowing inside my limbs and internal organs. I'M FIRE!!!! I need to lay down on something as soon as possible, because my body is totally drunk and burning like hell. I reach my car, parked near the grassfield. I sit in there. THE EXPLOSION As soon as I relax inside the car... it's almost like the psychedelic realizes that I'm now safe and it can EXPLODE in my body without doing me harm. BOOM!!!! My body becomes enraged in flames, I feel tired but completely alive at the same time. I feel so alive and burning, like I'm on the highest fever ever. The visual field becomes suddenly blurred, and at this point the visuals kick in. I can see a lot of colorful distortions, the grass moves like in an abstract painting, the textures are moving on the objects. THE VISION I start to contemplate the scenery out of the car window. I try to relax my mind to enter into a meditative state. This is where the magic happens. Something is MOVING on the car window. Billiesimon starts to slowly disappear, as I notice that on the window there are little creature made of geometric shapes. These little geometric/prismatic creatures are swimming in this yellow flat surface, and they have their own identity, they start to build a civilization, they grow, they change, they expand!!! I am fascinated by these amazing creatures, as they work hard to create prismatic cities, as they change, some of them die, some of them are born, some of them wander off from the city.... IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL. LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL. They are alive. They seem like random geometric shapes but... they have life in them. They have a soul. At the end, their civilization dies.... In that moment... I realize.... . . . . It was just dust on the windows. It was. Just. Dust. Or were they real? Am I just returning to see the reality that fits my ego? These dust particles could really be vibrating with life and with conscious awareness. But the real insight was this: and it struck me like a LIGHTNING. I WAS THERE, WATCHING THEM, FOR ALL OF THE ETERNITY OF THEIR HISTORICAL LIFE. I was a silent, formless entity, watching them. I was not billiesimon. While I was watching them, I was like the eternal awareness of the universe, observing civilizations rise and fall. I did not have a body or an identity during their rise and fall as a civilization. . . . . Am I this entity here too? In human history? Am I eternal? Am I just observing human history the same way I was observing this geometric civilization rise and fall?!? ..... Silence. And mystery, engulfs me. I HAVE NO NAME The trip is constantly interrupted by egoic attacks, where my ego tries to remember constantly that "I am billiesimon, I am here, I have this age, I have this and that to do, bla bla bla", but I guess it is just a defense mechanism. Then it happens: a huge chunk of my ego collapses (this is not ego death). "Wait a minute, I actually have no name. I am not billiesimon. That's just a word that I am just conditioned to use, but it's not me. Who am I? I am not this body, I can be present in other realities without this body, I can witness other civilizations without this body and identity. Who am I?" "I DON'T KNOW. I really really don't know what I am. I just observe. That seems to be the only feature I have. I just observe. I am observing this life, this body, this human civilization. Observing, watching, is all I really do." How long have I been watching this billiesimon's life? Is it 30 years? Or is it just this one second? How long have I been watching what happens in general? Is it... eternity? I don't know. I HAVE ONLY ONE DUTY I walk the streets alone. I feel TOTALLY different now. I don't feel afraid of the dark. I don't feel afraid of what people think of me. I don't feel compelled to follow social norms (I'm still in the peak state, near to the come-down). I laugh. I realize that I am walking on a theater. I am living on a theater's stage. I feel it. BUT WHAT AM I?!? I NEED TO KNOW!!! I am not this person!!! I need to know if I am eternal. I need to know if I have truly witnessed all human history and all of the universe's history. How long have I been observing without KNOWING that I am observing?!?!? As I return home, I can feel the fakeness, the theater-like structure of my house, and my lifestyle. I look at the floor. I look at the floor, and concentrate on the void, to forget my usual identity. The floor starts to pulsate, the tiles become distorted and they emerge from the ground and shift, like monoliths from below. Under the tiles, I can now see endless and countless spirals swirling under the ground, like an ocean of madness and absolute chaos. I freak out. As soon as my ego claims that I am Biliesimon, the tiles and the floor turns back to TOTALLY NORMAL. Zero visuals. Yeah. It's my ego. My ego keeps this reality "human-like". But... it's not actually in this form. Or maybe this is just a crystallized form of reality. . . . I need to know!!! My only mission in this "life" is to know myself!! I now get it!!! I am here ONLY to wake up. I am here because MySelf wants to wake up, it wants to understand what the fuck is happening here!!!! I now get it... I know get it... I AM ASLEEP. I am still NOT awake, I am far far away from being awake.... but I now GET IT: I'M ASLEEP!!!! The question remains. I have no name, no identity. But still, I need to find out what I am. My only mission here on this earth is to wake up.

It is described as a noob psychedelic by almost all the wikis and articles. But in my particular case it was actually stronger than LSD, which is regularly listed as a more potent psych. It depends on the individual I guess. But on the average trip report you can find that 4-HO-MET is very light hearted and party-like.

Wow, amazing!!! I'm gonna read your report. Well, it definitely is not a recreational psych. ANd my dosage was not high, it was pretty low: 10 mg. Generally a medium dosage is around 15-20 mg. But it absolutely is a POWERFUL psychedelic, especially for the dreamy and hallucinatory visuals. They really shock you out of normal reality I've never had such hallucinations with LSD.

Here's the last trip report ??? I am on a deep journey right now. The most important of my life. Maybe the only reason of my life.

Yeah, that's the amazing and mindblowing mystery of psychedelics. But the question remains: why are there specific objects in the dream that can awaken the dreamer?

I've been away for a few days, but keeping my onenote journal, because I have had some shadow work to do and some late evening meditations and relaxation processes. And then.... Yesterday I've had my first psychedelic breakthrough. I'm going to talk about it on a trip report very soon ?

I'm not an expert on shadow work, but I've practiced it quite a lot and explored with different techniques. This release was first experienced with LSD, like you but then I managed to get them sober too. You have to dive deep into what you truly feel is LACKING in your life. Is it freedom? Is it self-love? (for me it's those two) Is it stability and abundance? Is it finding your passion? The pain you feel has a distinct taste to it. If you really really listen to it you will find that it's communicating some kind of lack or repressed quality The best mindset is repeating to yourself that "it is calling me everyday, I can hear it"! ?

I am healing, it's finally happening ? I have waited for so many years to finally FEEL this, to finally stop thinking about it and learning and studying about it. I now start to understand. I'm not enlightened at all, but after one psychedelic breakthrough in shadow work, and three sober breakthroughs (in shadow work too), the last one happened a few hours ago.... I finally start to feel what it means to feel alive ??? Today I've had a huge moment of mental suffering, monkey mind, paranoia, excessive thinking etc... I was so tired of this... I just wanted to... be free. A dear friend of mine helped me to process this moment of pain, helping me with some visualizations and asking how I feel. At the end I just felt it, and it was as strong as in my last LSD trip, but this time it was sober. ? I am free, I've always been free. And I have forgotten what it means to be free expression. I have no fixed character, I am just a free roaming child, who has learned how to behave in a fixed character. What do you really want? What is the core of your happiness? I JUST WANT TO BE FREE. I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF. Not a specific set of rules, behaviours and identities. I just want to exist fully. I'm sick of being defined as "this" or "that". It's just causing me suffering. I have cried so much today. It was painful, but it was joyful too. I have really enjoyed this feeling. Maybe there's no negative in crying, maybe I'm just here to be colors, to be what I happen to be, to just be here. I am here ? I am here because I must have wanted to be here! I am no mistake. I don't know what's happening to me, I feel so weird. But I'm happier. I don't want to think so much anymore, I just want to be expression, I want to be all the colors that I want to be. I'm still crying while writing this, but now these tears feel so true. They are so trueeeeeeee ??? I am my own truth, there is nobody out there telling me what I am, I'm just here, alive, I'm just here, and I want to stay connected here, to my heart, to my will to exist. It feels so much like a psychedelic trip, but I am completely sober since weeks.... I still have all these worrying thoughts about my life, but NOW I don't care. I DON'T CARE about them!!! Because now I can FEEL the freedom of just being here. I'm still crying. I'm healing. There is no fear, only ?????????? Thanks, especially @Leo Gura

Thanks I'm still healing, the path is not finished. You can heal too. Shadow work and self inquiry are your best bet ?

Love you ?

It's finally happening ?????? I am finally healing. I can be free ? I am free, I am free, I am free, I am free. I am myself, and everything else I try to be is false, is ignorance.

SELF LOVE JOURNAL #4 Everything is going to be alright Yeah. As long as I am willing to reconnect with presence and being, everything will be alright. There is no way to get lost, if you don't get lost in your mind. Mind is always screaming, worrying, dividing, judging and fragmenting existence. Mind is afraid because it want to keep everything in control. Abundance rises from being. That's why we meditate, self inquire and explore consciousness. We recognize that the mind is becoming toxic and our existential cage. I was tempted all day to worry A LOT. In the end, I forced myself to be present and to look at something for several minutes, or just feel my body without thinking. And I returned back to a decent amount of peace and stillness. But the mind always tries to return. It's going to be hard, but I'm going to master the monkey mind. I want to reconnect with being. I want to reconnect with self love.

I've been away from this journal for some days, but I've kept my onenote journal updated, everyday. This one is more of a shadow work/insight journal, for the most interesting self discoveries and self reflection. Today I have worked on my future brand. I want to start my own self help business. I no longer find satisfaction in the nine to five job, and I feel completely out of place. It's time for the big change, it's time for the evolution I never dared to try. It's now or never. I wanto to bring my newfound authenticty and self love to my future business, I want to help people find passion in their life and compassion in other people, relatives, friends and strangers. I want to learn deeper connection and teach it to those who need it the most. Yeah. My last psychedelic trips have shown me that this is not my place anymore. I'm here to learn Love, and then to teach Love. I'm going to appreciate my nine to five job, because I recognize it's still part of my path of self discovery. But then I'm going to leave it as soon as my project starts to take off. It's going to be interesting! An adventure. I've been a nice guy for too long, now it's time to become truly authentic and free. It's going to be all right, keep believing in yourself ? the path is open.

MINI INSIGHT #8 My path was prepared exacly for me I'm starting to notice that all my problems, all my challenges, all my needs, all my desires etc... seem to be all linked to my life purpose and my interest into awakening. It's almost like someone put me here in this condition to push me, to motivate me, to show me what I am and what I need to do to rediscover myself. All my self-hate of the past. All my self-insecurity. All my fears. It's all related to this path. I am here thanks to those. My interest in awakening has risen from there.... Yeah. Maybe it was all right all the time. I'm not awake, not even close but... Now I can sense that the present moment was never appreciated by my past self. Now I am starting to recognize the immense and exclusive value of the present moment. The present moment is somehow my essence, my home. SELF LOVE JOURNAL #3 I was meant to arrive here, starting from self hate Yeah, I might have been wrong all my life, thinking that I was a victim. I might be no victim, just a blind boy with no clue that he's been put here to learn and to rediscover his true power. I don't know what I am, for now. But I know I am here I am the perspective of reality Because my reality is the only real thing I have So... I am the only one who can fix myself There's no one else viewing my perspective. It's just me. I don't know what or who I am. I'm not enlightened at all. But I'm starting to see that.... Life is just my own perspective, my own present experience. I want the best for myself ???

I understand that after your awakenings it seems like there's no point in teaching us, but can't you see it from the perspective of helping other parts of Consciousness to wake up? Your life purpose was and in my opinion should still be that one.