billiesimon

This reassures me a lot, it's great news! These are actually the reasons why I've started the awakening path: self-love, true confidence and a state of peaceful union with the universe and other people Consciousness, my True I Am, has told me that I am worthy of infinite love and infinite happiness, and that I will get it. I want to believe in this. I'm going to continue, and improve my shadow work too ????

Well, yes. I was unconsciously carrying that emotional baggage. Unworthiness, materialism, wanting fame, wanting success, wanting to feel superior etc... And at the same time I was a nice guy out of insecurity and out of fear. Now I'm slowly shifting to being genuinely good and genuinely interested in healing the planet. That's what I always feel when I deeply meditate or trip. The anger, fear and "materialistic" insecurity was part of my shadow ego. I've started the spiritual path on purpose to become complete inside myself and radiate love and confidence

Brilliant explanation of this separation between wanting to be good vs bad! But how does this apply to my "ego backlash"? I don't understand the dynamics of what's happening.

It might be a repressed drive to high achievement, and that's why I'm trying to change my material life for the better. But I don't think it's just the drive to dominate and conquer. That's just an ego backlash. But the need to improve my life is definitely there!

No, it's not my actual goal. These feelings and ego attacks feel like a "returning of the past". When I was in the materialist paradigm and didn't know that I could feel complete and loving frmo the inside. I was looking for love in the external world and I was escaping the abyss I was feeling inside. My actual goal is to have a "successful" life where everything stems from my self-love and self acceptance, from my state of union with Consciousness. My dream life actually is being both "successful" and conscious, loving, united with the universe and people. I actually care about others and the happiness of the world. In all my psych trips I always genuinely feel like I want myself and all other people to be loving and colorful, happy. Material success is "important" to me, but as a manifestation of the self-love and self-acceptance I am looking for I already went out doing pickup and trying to be the coolest of all in the past, but I've always felt bad and horrible once I went back home. Because I have a huge wound of self-esteem and lack of self love. Shadow work has shown me that what I ACTUALLY want is to heal and love myself as absolute Oneness, as a perfect soul. And then, after this, to go out and socialize and find love and connection FROM this state of already being self-loving. That's what I actually want. I think this is some form of ego backlash. My old negative personality is fighting back, I believe.

Yes, it's some kind of ego backlash. They are old thought patterns from the past. This is what is working in my current experience. They step back if I meditate or contemplate them without judging or engaging them. THey might just be a backlash.

Yeah, that's actually an amazing insight. I am noticing that all these evil tendencies were just repressed in a "nice guy" behaviour, but in fact I was feeling evil and vengeful emotions all my life. Now that my ego has taken a huge hit by my spiritual progress, it is showing its true nature: survival, aggression, need for power and status etc.... The point is... what I truly want is to live a fullfilling and loving life, where success and Infinite Love are united. Should I go for the "materialist success" or should I just accept that materialistic side and reintegrate it into my self-love and awareness? The reason why I pursue awakening is because I want to FEEL complete without needing all that material superficial stuff. I want to feel enough, whole. And then go after a pleasant lifestyle. I've always had a deep lack of self love and self acceptance, and the spiritual path is giving me the Love and the satisfaction I couldn't find anywhere else.

live report! Let us know how much the potency increases. If it actually is 2x the oral dosage.

Amazing results for your awakening! ? I have two "weird" questions for you, as I've recently had a first small awakening, but still far away from the depth of yours. 1. Why does it feel like I am the only current "incarnation" of Consciousness and everyone else seems imaginary? Are there multiple perpectives/incarnations (aka all people) or is it a paradox of just one point of view? I don't understand. Cause it seemed like my point of view was the one who was hallucinating all of reality. 2. For some weird reason I have reached this first awakening even though I still have some self esteem issues and some negativity left. I practice meditation, breathing and shadow work everyday. The awakening felt totally loving and like I was worthy of all of existence. Why is it that now I'm feeling somehow depressed and having this victim-like ego backlash? Shouldn't I be empowered by this experience? Thanks

In my opinion prisons are wrong. You can't expect to have compassionate and loving people if you keep them in a cage. Even though they did wrong. They should be sent to do social services and social rehabilitation where they can learn how to connect with society, and stop feeling as outcasts. Prisons are perpetuating the crime we already have.

Well, yeah. I get it that since these are symbols evoked by my mind, they are mine, but... I guess I shouldn't use the Freud approach of intellectual analysis, right? More of a "feeling interpretation", I guess. It's still not so easy for me, even though I'm a lot more intuitive now. But the tendency to intellectualize is still there

What up! This is an update on my spiritual journey. I have 1 year and a half of shadow work on my back, and a recent small psych awakening. Lesson 1 Awareness is not just curative, but it shows you ALL the pain and sufferning you didn't know you had. When I wasn't into spirituality, I was feeling "somehow ok", yet depressed and coping with videogames. Now I am a lot more conscious with myself and others, BUT the pain that I generally feel in my body is a lot more intense, and so is the pleasure. I generally feel EVERY SINGLE DAY all the small tensions in my body and emotions, and this led me to leave my last job, because my small psychedelic awakening led me to absolutely freak out and reject the toxic neurotic work-environment. I literally freaked out because I can't stand excessive neurosis and tension anymore. When I was totally unconscious I was cool with it. Lesson 2 I feel sadness a lot more. Suicidal thoughts arise a lot, and at the same time loving and deeply compassionate thoughts arise too. I am a lot more bipolar and a lot more emotional and dramatic in what I feel in my body. But since my awareness has increased, I can still observe it patiently and wait for it to dissolve. But pain is generally amplified because I'm NOT NUMB TO IT anymore. Lesson 3 My dreams are becoming WILD, very vivid and realistic. And often I wake up touching the wall of my room to check if this is the "real" reality. I've never had such vivid dreams and such intense shadow-releases in dreams. It's almost like in a movie, where they have mystic and prophetic dreams. I also dreamt recently of being engulfed by Infinity and the dream turned into a nightmare because in the dream my identity resisted it and so I freaked out and woke up in sweat and vibrating. It's WILD, man.... Sometimes it feels like going insane. Lesson 4 It's becoming wild with my emotions and body feelings... I hate it, YET I LOVE IT ??? Yeah. I can't explain. ? I'm going on with my spiritual path ? There's no going back now.

Thanks ? I'm going to try a dream journal, even though some dreams are really hard to decipher. How do you find the tools to correctly understand them? Usually they are very symbolic.

Yeah.... but sometimes it is unbearable... Well... I've almost always had releases while awake, in emotional moments, or moments of relaxation with soft music. Pretty intense crying. I've started to have intense dreams in these recent days. This last night I've had a horrible nightmare where I was being absorbed by the void/infinity and while waking up I had a strong release of tension and anxiety. But it might be related to my psychedelic awakening. Apart from that... shadow work is amazing, and still useful for consciousness work.

Eternal Present Moment It's very emotional, even though there's no "plot".

Thanks ? I love you too ?

I don’t clearly understand if this is an actual first awakening or half-awakening. Thanks @Leo Gura for all the teachings, leading to this. It was SO INTENSE!!! Setting: my car, in the peace of the fields. Evening. Dosage: 13 mg of 4-HO-MET plugged Meditation: 45 mins just before the plugging Intention: further healing, and shooting for a first awakening --- REPORT --- --- Deep relaxation I relax in the backseat, and enjoy the sound of nature, as my car is immersed in the green fields. The medicine is very slow to come up this time. It’s so peaceful, so heartwarming, so relaxing. I can stay here forever. The night is my friend. I enjoy this semi-sleep for about 20 mins. Then I sit up again. Wait a moment…. Why am I still normal? Ok, I feel a lot more peaceful and happier, but… I’m still so normal… Did I take a wrong dosage? This dosage is higher than the previous one, it SHOULD give me a powerful sensation. Nothing. I’m just peaceful and relaxed. NO VISUALS. NO PSYCH SENSATIONS. NO HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS. NOTHING!!!! What the hell?!? --- Visuals are useless. Look closer, look closer…. I start to feel frustrated and dissatisfied. “Ok, I have no other choice than to try to boost the chemical with self inquiry.” I start to look inside my perceptions to find where I am. “Where am I? Where is my actual Presence? What am I made of?” And I fully concentrate on the sensations, emptying the mind. Nothing actually happens. . . . . I lay again on the backseat, fetal position. I look at the frontseat before my eyes. OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!? I MUST BE GOING CRAZY! The frontseat before my eyes has a totally WEIRD texture to it… It is made of a weird millimetric and geometrical pattern, very similar to fractals…. I look closer. Oh my freaking god they are indeed thousands of perfectly aligned and geometrical fractals!!!! Oh my god!!!! It’s so INSANE!!!!! The fronseat is made of billions of tiny fractals!!!!!!!!!! I freak out. I sit up trying not to look at it. I’m scared. --- There’s no fear, because I AM here with you I realize that the medicine is actually working, but the visuals, for some strange reason, are not happening. It’s almost like the visuals are removed from this experience because I need to stay concentrated and not distracted. Yeah. I’m pretty sure about it. I can feel the holy potency of the present moment rising. I feel scared and surrounded by mystery and eternal power. I remember that I am here to experience something deeper, not to run away. So I start over again. I focus on the present, and start the self inquiry again. At this point… after just one minute… my WHOLE visual field (car, moon, sky, grass, windows etc) start to slowly show tiny tiny fractals below it. The superficial layer of reality starts to lighten, while the lower layer of tiny tiny fractals start to become more opaque and solid. “Nononononono noooooo!! What is this?!?!?” As soon as I freak out and try to find safety in “normal reality”, the fractals disappear, and normal reality actually comes back IMMEDIATELY. “I can control this?!? Wow… So… Am I actually the one controlling this phenomenon?” But I am still very scared. Then it finally happened. “Don’t worry, Billiesimon. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” A thought enters my mind. But it is not my thought… Yet, since it is inside my head… it must be my own thought. But I… am afraid. And I am not thinking this. “Don’t worry, because I AM here with you. You are safe. I AM here with you.” Ok, I feel more relaxed now. I am safe. These random thoughts in my head are coming out of nowhere but they are SOOOO comforting and loving… Billiesimon “I am scared. I want to find the truth but… I feel like I’m going to die horribly and find something terrible out there….” Thought “Nothing can harm you. Your fear is an illusion. I am here with you. In fact I have always been here with you.” Billiesimon “What is happening? I am trying to discover the true experience of reality, of existence. But… what is happening?” Thought “I want to show you… what reality actually is made of. I really care about showing you what all of this really is made of. But I’m not going to force you. Because I deeply care about you. In fact I love you, Billiesimon. I totally, eternally love you. That’s the reason why I really really want to show you what existence actually is made of. You just have to trust me and let go.” As soon as the thought says “I deeply love you” my heart started to hurt like hell, and a river of tears poured down my eyes, like I was born this exact moment. I started to cry like a child (in fact I’m slightly crying even now, writing this report). Billiesimon “Who are you?”. The dialogue is actually happening all my head: my own thoughts respond to these peaceful, alien thoughts. Voice “I AM here. I have no name. I am just here. I have always been here and always will. I want to show you what this place actually is, beyond its form.” I’m comforted, happy and shocked at the same time. The voice continues in my head. Voice “I love you, so much. I have tried to call you all this time, I’m calling you back to me. You were free to ignore my call, and yet you kept looking for me. Here I AM.” I start to cry again, and my heart is beating very very fast. My body feels numb and is shaking like in a panic attack, but I strangely feel happy. Voice “I want to show you what this place actually feels like, Billiesimon. Because I love you so much. Because YOU and I are ONE.” These words are undescribable to me…. As soon as I heard this last affirmation… a feeling that I have NEVER EVER experienced in my life struck me like a lightning. A feeling of deep shock and recognition. I explode IN AN OCEAN OF TEARS. I actually scream in tears!!!! Billiesimon “Noooooooooo, oh nooooooooo” I cry rivers and my body shakes in a sort of cosmic remembering. Billiesimon “Oh no…… Oh no…. Now I understand… Oh…. Now I understand….” Yes, I now understand. THIS is the Love that I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS looked for, and NEVER FOUND on earth!!!!! This love feels so beautiful and sacred that my body is shocked like in a car accident, like in the midst of an earthquake. Billiesimon “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! You, you are the one I have always wanted to love!!!! Now I understand!!!!! Oh, this can’t be true, this can’t be true, this is so unreal!!!! You feel exactly like the PERFECT LOVE I have never dared to dream about.” . . . --- The farewell “I love you Billiesimon. I’ve waited for you to reach out to Me. I want you to know that I am ALWAYS here with you, even though you never noticed. Because You and I are One. You and I are One.” That last sentence, everytime the voice says it, it feels so powerful and intoxicating. There are no common emotions to describe what “You and I are One” feels like. It’s the most powerful poetry I’ve ever heard. It has completely melted my heart into water. It’s the ultimate hug. My face is drenched in tears, my nose is closed, and my ears are ringing. Yet, I feel so complete. I have never felt complete in my life. But in this mystical moment, I am complete. I am the happiest. . . . . “I want to show you. I’m not going to force you. You are my beloved one. You are free to do as you like. I want to show you what this actually looks like. Let me show you, I will bring you back here, to your life, after I have shown you. There is no death. You can always come back, I will always bring you back here, in the world of Form. You will is the dearest to me.” I accept, I feel deeply hugged and protected, and we start to go. I concentrate on the present moment, I let go of all concepts, I let go of all thoughts. I let go of my ego. The voice hears what I’m thinking and replies. “There is no ego-death. There is no death at all. Your Form doesn’t die, it just melts into Oneness with Me. There is no death, only our beloved reunion. And you can come back whenever you want. I love too much.” Reality starts to heavily distort, and my bodily feelings too. I hear a deep ringing in my ears, and the sense of touch becomes melted, and melted more and more. I see the car and the nature outside becoming a fading picture, and below it…. Endless tiny tiny fractals start to emerge. The fractals become of infinite number, and then I SEE IT. Oh my god, physical reality is just A MOVIE PROJECTED ON AN INFINITE SCREEN OF ENDLESS FRACTALS!!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT??!??!?!?! “I want to show you where I AM. Where you and I actually are.” Physical reality is still present at 10%, while the endless infinite all-identical fractals are at 90% of solidity, just like two photoshop layers, where physicality is becoming transparent and fractals more and more solid. “NO PLEASE STOP IT!!! I’M NOT READY!!!” Reality immediately comes back into its physical ordinary form. I calm down, I actually feel safe. I am safe. There’s only Love for me. Fear is an illusion, but I still am trapped inside the illusion of fear. This episode demonstrates it. “You are safe, because you are with Me. I AM always here with you. Always. In fact you and I are eternally together. Because You and I are One.” “Thank you. I love you too. I didn’t know, but yes… you are the only one I always wanted to love, but I never realized it until now…. Thank you, SO MUCH!!! Thank you for calling me, thank you for trying to reach out to me, thank you for trying so hard to wake me up…. I just love you so much that it hurts my body… thank you, please don’t leave me alone…. Life is so scary, I am so scared….” “Yes, Form is scary. Because Form is separate. But in truth I tell you: there is no fear. Because I AM always with you. I want you to remember this, Billiesimon. Remember this. I AM always with you. Because You and I are One. One.” Silence. There are no thoughts, no words. Just gratitude and this feeling of being hugged by the most beautiful person in the world. I am hugged. Thank you. “I want you to come back to me another time. But you are free to act as you will. Yet, I will still love you, unconditionally.” “I will. Thank you so much.” Peace and silence. I observe nature and relax in silence for some time. I go to sleep. I wake up in the late morning, feeling like I’m just a madman. To be honest, right now I am still questioning whether I’ve become insane/have hallucinated or not. Nonetheless…. It was the most powerful Love I’ve ever felt.

I generally follow Teal Swan's methods. Inner child healing, and diving deep into suffering. But sometimes it doesn't work because you have to understand where the root cause is. I hope so, but right now it's absolute hell. I've never been in such suffering before. My body is aching out of nowhere. I feel like my life is hell and inauthentic. I have fantasies of leaving town and becoming "a crazy guy". I also have random moments of existential love ?

I'm going to persist. Thanks ?

Yeah, I'm definitely going to keep up the awakening work. I want to discover more. But I think that shadow work is still very important, because I still need to face everyday-life challenges.

Yeah, in truth I thought that a first awakening would make me happy. What kind of work do I need to do? Do you mean shadow work? I've been doing SW for a year now, but my shadows now seem to get even bigger than before...

Now I cannot speak I lost my voice I'm speechless and redundant Cause "I Love You" is not enough I'm lost for words ??????????????? I feel better when I sing, I feel like a child again. I've never been so authentic and innocent in my life, now that something inside me is dying. Help me to heal, hear me. I promise I will help the world to heal ???

I don't know what to think anymore. Was my first small awakening bad? Sometimes I feel like it was. These days have been very rough on me emotionally. I got depressed for nothing, very easily. Today I've been really really depressed, hating my job, hating myself, hating my life, hating this fake illusion. And craving to dissolve into infinity. Yet... there's something that tells me that I might be healing, and not degrading. I don't know. Starting to wake up is harsher than I thought. It's not that pleasant. Well... it is greatly pleasant when the breakthrough happens, but now that I'm back into the illusion I feel lost. I have prayed today. I'm not a religious person, I've been an atheist for years. I have prayed because Consciousness hears me. I know it does. I know it wants to help me. Please, don't abandon me now. Please. Wake me up more, don't let me die physically. I want to help this world to heal, this is my mission. Please, help me, give me the strenght. I love you too ?

At some levels I regret having had this first breakthrough/small awakening. Because I feel completely lost now. Life is losing meaning. At other levels, I'm grateful because I can feel a lot deeper into my body, mind and emotions. And I have a better understanding of authenticity ?

I don't know. I've tried to meditate and clear the mind. It clears up, but the heavy bodyload of depression remains in the body. I feel like I'm insane. I have moments where I'm depressed and moments (like right now) where I listen to emotional songs and I'm happy like a child. I've never experienced anything like this, I feel like I have become broken.