YaMayka

@tsuki And that's the beauty of the paradox. Because you are and you are not authentic in the same time. You are a picture of the present moment that you preferably love and accept but at the other hand there is movement to the future (which is also a present moment in a way) and the way you develop. You may accept the resistance and that way move on to be more authentic, not lying to yourself. But maybe I am too dual to have a proper perspective (You are not preaching, we are just having an interesting discussion :)) @Psyche_92 It seems that way - my inner compass changed a direction and the taste will be there - the picture of the present moment shifted @Elysian I know - I am also struggling with my ancestral trauma and there was some! My mum has done her share but she still left a lot for me and now I need to do all I can for my daughter. And god knows it is a responsibility! I don't know if I had had the courage to have a child had I known how much. But here she is... In a way it would benefit her as well if I was more authentic and healed. I just need to know how to do it without disturbing her whole life....

It is my deepest desire - and my deepest fear. I think it requires a lot of courage. It does include self love to a high degree. Would be easier to start with a clean slate though I don't think we quite agree @tsuki (or maybe I misunderstand you). I think you are referring to the yes/no in the present moment, what feels authentic to you at each moment (which I agree is also the case). But in this moment you may be clouded by some feelings, resistance etc. which make it difficult to stay authentic. Like my dancer - the shyness is the fear of being judged by others and it is blocking her to express her real self. If she was really authentic would she care about her image? About what other people say? She would just express herself the way she is.

@tsuki I am not saying I should reveal all my "secrets" to anybody and everybody but concealing a huge part of myself from my family out of fear of judgement I suppose is more like it. Imagine a dancer who is feeling this amazing stuff inside but she can only dance that way when she is alone. When she is in a crowd she would just carefully choose her steps -enough to still feel something but not enough to represent her all beauty. Is she authentic?

I know the others are not authentic either but it is not my responsibility to change that - it's up to them. I would love other people to be authentic, it is then easier to do the same for myself. Being authentic would require revealing the part of me that is searching here, that believes in chakras and other non mainstream stuff. My partner is very orange and for him it's mambo jumbo BS. If I had no children I'd be willing to take risk more easily but my daughter loves me and her dad very very much and I want her to be happy. It would crush her world if something happened to the family. But you are all right that it is not a proper way to live and sooner or later I will have to face it. Maybe with little steps at the beginning. I just feeeeel that resistance in me, which is probably a good indicator what's the problem... I dream a lot, sometimes I do write my dreams in a journal, they are quite helpful if I manage to figure them out (sometimes I forget them). I am more authentic with my friends and at work (only starting though), trying to stop avoiding conflict, to work on other of my issues. Maybe that will give me encouragement (and courage) to face the closest to me as well... And I thought I was pretty well sorted out buhaha!!

I'm discovering that I am more inauthentic than I have thought... I have been lying to myself about many things, hiding out of fear of rejection. My family doesn't really know me because I have been showing them the face that they were prepared (in my mind) to accept. Now I am lost in this labyrinth and it is hard to restart. It is easier with a stranger because they have no expectations and you don't care about their opinion. I'm afraid of loosing them all and am afraid of all the battles I'd need to have to be myself in front of them. How do you manage?

Was this pulling sensation on the top of your head or somewhere else?

Deal with your emotional backlog, your blocked energy is likely causing your fatigue...

I’m a Polish citizen living in Belgium. Will they allow me?

In all possible forms. I have paper books, ebooks and I listen audiobooks. The last ones I do in my car, while stuck in a traffic jam (at least some advantage of that ), for the rest depends what's available, sometimes I actually like to have a paper copy to put on my shelf, it's easier to go back and forth with material (and they are easier on my eyes). Ebooks can be easily downloaded and carried around (I can have hundreds of them with me at any time) - I read on my iPad.

@How to be wise There is a shadow in being an introvert, the same as in being an extravert. As long as we are aware of it and it does not rule our behaviour we may appreciate the way we are (introvert or extravert), no need to change our core to do it. As much as I appreciate some traits of extraverts I would not change (even though I can manifest such behaviour on some occasion).

I don't know how else to call it - I think that's what is happening to me. It started with meditation when I was focusing on my body - at first I thought that my body was just re-adjusting a position or something - it would suddenly relax. Now I feel energy clouds of different forms in my body and when I focus my awareness on them, they dissolve. And most of the time I feel a relief. Sometimes they are very difficult to melt and they feel weird, sometimes I have to focus on another body part as well to have them disappear. After a while the process took over and it is happening just by itself, it is pushing me during the day, if I do nothing I feel bad. I think they were causing my horrible migraines, I just was not aware of them in the past. I had to go through a lot of memories to work through some issues (to be sure that I do not repeat the same pattern and I have a lot of homework to do). It just keep purging... Anybody knows how long it will last? I am not complaining or anything, just would like to see the light at the end

Thanks @How to be wise (BTW - is it Katie's photo in your profile? ) I will look into it. It seems to me that this cleaning up happens in my body a bit like in the Holotropic Breathwork just in a calmer pace. I keep releasing the energy and I see a change in my behaviour - e.g. yesterday I called somebody on the phone on my initiative without dreading it and trying to avoid it (which has been my pattern for years - anyone who is deeply introverted will understand and appreciate ), I try to make conscious changes in some other patterns. They are not all fixed but there is a start, a movement. I feel different inside - lighter, more spacious, I hear a different, higher humming tone in my ears, I feel more love. I still have some judgemental habitual thoughts but quickly notice them. I think this energy, emotional clouds make a change for me. I was hoping that maybe some one shared the experience.

Let me quote from ‘freedom vs Fear’ by Kiran Trace (it’s a free ebook you may download from her website) “It’s a very captivating, strategic layer of resistance. If aggressive mind and invisibility cloak don’t hook you, this one just might. Irritation is an intense version of resistance that plays on the hypochondriac in all of us. It plays on our impatience, on our stress, on the deep-seated fear that there is something very, very wrong. It’s got a good game going. And, like all of resistance’s games, it’s actually insane. It actually creates what it proposes to help us avoid. Irritation, however uncomfortable, won’t actually harm you. But it’s usually really effective at driving you straight into your compulsions, addictions, and distractions, which just might kill you. Until you catch on to it. If you are aware that this is what is going on, and that it’s only a pattern of resistance, you can dive for the source of what’s initiating it. You can dive towards the physical sensation in the body—usually a dense or tender place that feels like an energetic block. Or, you can direct your awareness toward whatever is going on that is triggering all this resistance, all this irritation. Then the irritation is no longer fully captivating—its primary power is that you believe it’s true. This involves not only seeing the pattern at hand, but un- derstanding that if you are aware of it, you are not it. You are the awareness of something moving in your system. That’s all. When you really get this, then you can go see what is mov- ing in your system that created this layer of resistance. When you get to the source, you can bring some tenderness to it and begin to unwind it.” I found it helpful.

I am struggling with the same problem as Elisabeth and I love your explanations. The thing is I am reaching 40 and by the time I unfold all these I will be very old. And in the meantime I would like to live a happy life which is very hard to do at the moment in my boring job where I have no freedom which is still organised as a blue system and I am yellow. And I have a family to think about - not only myself. Once I get enlightened maybe it will change things for me but for now I get what I get

Indeed ? Anyway, we all have some kind of role to play in the world, it is not up to me to decide who should live or die. I might have some personal gain to keep someone alive and in that sense this person will present more value to ME. Like Leo might ?

@Viking @LorcanThat was my first instinct - to check what you are eating (Viking). Clean up your diet because it is making you depressed. I agree to remove gluten and milk from your diet and add SUGAR to it - for minimum 3-4 weeks and see where it takes you. I'd add eggs as well in case they cause allergy but that is up to you. Eat a lot of vegetables, no processed food. I know it is hard but we can do ANYTHING for 3 weeks - you may decide if you want to continue after that or not. For me it changed everything. I'd advise some good supplements. I believe Leo has some video about food and he makes a smoothie or something - check that out. Your body needs an upgrade so that your soul could.

To whom? To me? Nothing. As to billions other creatures. It is all relative. Not to mention that we don't know the final outcome anyway. Maybe she had some DNA defect and it is better for all ants to be rid of her And in her nest she will be replaced by a new queen.

Out of experience I may say that you may have some issues worth looking into - repressed anger (there will be quite some of it, you most likely do not let yourself express it and probably have lost touch with it) and you might have lost yourself a bit - what you like, what you want, who you are, mainly because you are used to pleasing others and always doing what they want to do, tuning to their feeling and needs that you might have lost your own. It is worth looking into what has made you the way you are - maybe relationship in your family? trying to deserve love of your parents, sibling? you were the sensitive one and were protecting yourself by becoming invisible, mimicking other peoppl's needs? someone in your life was very easily "explosive"? What made you a peacemaker? Try to untangle it? Did you blend with someone more with the others?

@Shin it is not tact that they lack - it is insight and understanding of what other person is going through. It took me a while to figure that one out - I always thought people unwilling and not empathetic but they are simply incapable and insensitive, they don't feel the blues, lack self-awareness or miss a puzzle in their development. They don't mean to be unkind - they don't know how to do it properly, they are unaware.

I have been just trying to analyse retrospectively how I came to the stage that I am in now. I honestly have a problem to pick a point in time and say it happened then and then when I transitioned to a new level. But clearly I must have. Maybe I need to contemplate more... So far I only had this feeling that I more kept something from every meme that I valued most (maybe also some less healthy manifestations as well) and now I only use them in a manner that is unique to me and not disturbing to other people. What I mean is that I am trying to use these values (purple, red, orange, blue, green etc.) to my and other people's benefit being aware of their consequences. It's not like I am not these colours any more, like I am beyond them. It is like they surface all together at once. Am I making any sense?

For yellow, I’d say anyone interested in spiral dynamics or any systematic thinking will be a good starting point. That’s where I am looking and it is bringing fruit, hopefully it will continue...

No one picked up this subject but it does not mean that I stopped thinking about it - and the more I spend on it I think that there is no other way than to properly integrate all colours and have them at hand and using wisely with a meta-awareness. That's what makes you 2nd tier. That is also why you should not forget about beige and purple and red - they are crucial part of our development and they are deep inside us. All stages are and we don't just change into another colour - we simply get another layer until we are able to use them all. We are all bloody rainbows

I think I indeed keep hiding parts of me out of fear of judgement or rejection of others, it is one of my defence mechanism. I will try to be more aware of it now. Awareness is crucial Seems it was a good question to ask afte all. Teal gives me creeps but that was a useful pointer.

@Torkys I see your point and all I can come up with now is mostly excuses why it is not possible. I don’t know if my ego would die but most of my friendships and my job. I still have to work on that. I suppose you realise that not many people follow that path and that they do not understand what we are talking about here. Another excuse That is why I have always loved dancing - no hiding there... Maybe I could start with small steps. Now I don’t lie explicitly but I should probably move forward and be more authentic in expressing myself.

I remember from Castaneda’s books that don Juan even advised to leave everybody we know and live somewhere else so that their image of us would not affect our authenticity. (If I remember well, I read it long time ago). It does indeed imply that we are somehow incapable of being authentic when in company of others. So back to my question- am I a lier by not being fully authentic with other people? What if I don’t want to... hmmm