Ali Reza

For the past 6 month I've been haunted by undesirable thoughts that I tried to leave for time to heal, but nothing changed. I am ruminating about an incident that happened to me about 8 month ago where I suspected that a laptop repair shop did fraud me. Right now people, I feel an urge to share with you the most accurate details behind my thoughts and I figure it is to gain reassurance but that is the only reason I will not. These 8 month, were a hell, literally a hell, and the more I feel that I have to go and face him the more overwhelmed and anxious and short cited I start to feel. In these 8 month I went 3 times in a raw and faced him, but as I did, I felt that I've been driven by something strange since I really forgot about the whole issue...Did he fraud me or not? I don't have an evidence but that is hardly the question now. After the 3rd time I felt that I had to face him again ( but for a different reason since I suspected that he fraud me with something else too), but this time I restrained and did nothing as I felt that my inquiring will not end. This urge to go and face him started to bug me up by ideas like, I am afraid and I am weak and no one in the world will surrender his rights like I did, If I watch a movie and come along someone courageous I would feel guilt for not standing to my rights as I come to call it. If I read a quote about fear I would feel guilt. But really what is it. I am seriously confused. However, I am sure of one thing, If I go and face him (I feel vomiting when I think about it), or seek reassurance from someone, the comfort will only last for hours before I get stuck in the same old pattern, it always did. I did have some peaceful days in which I felt that the whole issue is pointless now. But it only lasted for a brief period of time. What do you think people? But before you comment, here is a thing about me that I suspect plays a role in the whole disaster, as I am calling it lately: I graduated a year ago and I have no idea what the next step in my life is. I already have no strategy for the next step and utterly lost in my head searching for daily matters and I feel 'the disaster' is one of the matters that keep me busy. But such a hypothesis doesn't last long since I start to think it is an evading mechanism for me not to face my ''standing for my rights'' that I have little idea about. I would appreciate comments from a professional point of view. Thanks

@i am I AM I'll try my best... about 8 months ago I had my laptop repaired at a local shop, but something went wrong with it after wards and we couldn't be sure who was responsible, me or the repair guy? It might be my fault since before the laptop died, again, I did disassemble it. However I had a feeling that it wasn't me. I forgot about the whole issue afterwords, but months later the thought that it was his fault and not mine came back to me and persisted. The thought felt unnatural, out of place (it is months now), and very exhausting. But it persisted. And the thought soon grew up to attack my self image, i started to view my self as a coward not willing to fight for my right , as i used to call it. The situation was unbearable and I had to react. So I went to him and faced him trying to figure out if it was his fault the laptop died, and off course we can't prove anything any longer. I remember telling myself afterwards when I left his shop that all these thoughts should end now since I did confront him and I proved to myself that Im not a coward. I did feel abit in peace, but only for the next day when I felt another urge to go and inquir from him. Dispute my strong repulsion I did go, and I did that a third time too when I felt that I had to stop going to him because this behavior will not end. I want to share with you what I felt everytime, before and after I went to inquir the guy: a thought - that life is not easy and you have to stand for your rights however hard it sounds - would pop up in my head, and such a thought would drive me to the guys shop. At the shop I would feel that the thought that I was ruminating made no sense but I would i ask him anyways, after I leave I would feel some sort of peace in my mind, but before the next day the thoughts would come again. Till now the thoughts persisted and are really drying my energy up. sometimes I have a rigid feeling that the thoughts make no sense and might be OCD linked. However at other times the thoughts would generate negative feelings about my self and my future and are hard to deny. I hope this explains things better. Thanks