RendHeaven

the only thing you need imo is a pullup bar. Easy to find one at your local park

I just recently had an experience where I was talking to this very smart and sweet (but physically unattractive) girl for hours, getting to know her as friends and just really opening up. At the end of it all, she awkwardly blurts out that she likes me and that she wants to kiss. I immediately decline because she's simply not good looking. It's been a few days but I've been thinking nonstop about how ruthless yet authentic my reaction was. There was no way in hell that I would consider her in a romantic/sexual light. But why not? It strikes me that her personality was perfectly fine. Nothing outstanding, but we shared many interests and she revealed herself to be a deep thinker (which I like in partners). So why was there no doubt in my mind that she's not a romantic/sexual option? Well, simply said, looks. They just weren't there. And hence, to the chopping block she goes. In fact, if you took that exact same soul and put it in a sexy face/body, I would of easily said yes. That's so crazy to me. It's totally cutthroat and yet perfectly honest. In fact, if you asked me (or forced me) to change my preferences to accept this girl as a sexual prospect, THAT would actually be the inauthentic thing to do. If you critiqued me for being shallow or selfish, you'd be critiquing the most congruent aspect of me. Well, given all this, what the hell was she supposed to do? It fucks with me even more when I try to put myself in her shoes. She had absolutely no chance. It's actually unfair. I'm sharing this experience because there seems to be this common misconception that women by virtue of being pretty and having boobies don't even think twice about attracting a guy. This creates a false dichotomy of "men are the ones that care about attraction, women care more about the non-attraction aspects of dating like depth of connection." In fact, many men here seem to think that MEN are the ones that have it worse in terms of attraction. Really? It strikes me that as a man, you can always develop your humor, confidence, etc. and make a woman sexually fall for you. Looks matter somewhat, but they are never primary. As a woman, if you don't got the looks, it's all out of your control. Maybe some guy will sexually settle for you, but you don't get to be a chooser when that guy you really like is hanging out with you. Damn. At least, this is my current impression based on this recent experience. Also, I admit that I am assuming that other guys operate the way I do (which may or may not be the case). I'm really interested in hearing your thoughts.

I don't give a shit about this topic, I'm not even commenting with any of this in mind - But I just feel compelled to point out that "going by data" IS a personal bias. Contemplate this seriously. If you'd like me to say more, lmk and I'd be glad to. If you dismiss this, you're the one losing potential growth.

Unironically based. Nailed it bro you pulled out a fucking graph ???

LOL the irony

@Yali

You have a cute face ? I fiercely want to give you a fresh cut though. One of my favorite emotions ? Don't sleep on it!

These quotes are chillingly accurate to how my ex gf felt when we broke up over a year ago (I know because she and I talked about it). "What happened?" is exactly how I feel. In my case, my instinct was to take the "fault," to assume that I just wasn't good enough. And last year, that is how I reacted (you can still see all that in my actualized public journal lmao). e.g. I could've been more honest in my communication, encouraging more mutual independence so that we weren't just codependent blobs; I could've been more playful and leading in all endeavors, whisking her away on adventures, playful in the sense of never taking her for granted (I find that unplayfulness happens when I assume a sort of complacent expectancy about her existing in my life); or even further, sometimes I'd attempt a sort of playfulness but it was only to get a sort of validating/affirming reaction out of her to make myself feel good, i.e. in those moments I was thinking more about leeching love off of her than sharing the love that I am; going even deeper/darker, I noticed that I was the "daddy" mostly in-name - I had the social role of "provider" and the role of dominant in bed, and yet there were (in hindsight really shocking) moments of me treating her like she was "mommy." And maybe if we communicated clearly about this and if she expressed that this was to her liking, that wouldn't have been a problem, but unfortunately it seems that her soul wanted me to be her emotional "rock," (and for the most part I wanted this too!) and I spent about 90% of our time together "being there for her," but then that would eventually overwhelm me and I would no longer be able to act like a "rock," but more like play-dough. And when I was like play-dough, I would come crawling to her like a child. And then she would see me being play-dough 10% of the time, and that would seriously damage her trust in me; "why are you using me for emotional support? don't you see that I need support?" - and from that position I'm basically in check-mate. If I fake emotional stability "for her sake," she detects my fakery and feels unloved; if I say that I need emotional support more than her (honestly), she still feels unloved because I'm choosing my needs over her and she feels used; and if I explain to her in detail that "I need this time for my own healing because I've spent 90% of my energy supporting you until now" now she feels blamed/guilty and starts spiraling into lack of love, not to mention how one-sided my explanation is, and the more I talk (mansplain, really) the more disconnected she feels. And of course, if I just "let her be, to solve her own issues," this still leads to her feeling unloved even if I try to frame it lovingly and ~spiritually~. I've tried "just listening" as well, but usually in this checkmate situation she remains closed off and uncommunicative. She wants me to open her heart for her (and I don't blame her for this, usually I would gladly do this!) but I can only do that as a rock, as "daddy," not as a slimy glob of play-dough, not as a starving child. And when she sees me utterly checkmated like that (very unsexy - I mean frankly, how dare I act like her dominant after being psychologically dismantled by her so effortlessly!), from there onwards it seems that she would doubt that I was ever a rock. She didn't trust any face I put on, even my honest face. (I hope that made sense haha - a little dramatic, but true to my past experience. It might seem strange that I'm suggesting men and women in love are in a psychic DUEL as though it were a game of chess, but doesn't that seem right somehow? Pretty sure David Deida said something like: women test men hoping that the men will overcome these tests. This way y'all feel like you can trust us. But when we men crumble against the psychological test, you women begins to feel unsafe, unloved, and the spark dies) and on and on. To this day I think my reflections are still valid, and I have worked (and am still working) to be "a bigger man" (psychologically/spiritually). But certainly I'm realizing now that she was no angel: that she had a sort of black hole in her soul which lured me into codependency so hypnotically (and keep in mind she was a psychologically/spiritually "advanced" soul. Easily SD stage yellow, had the innate compassion of a goddess. Yet even she was susceptible to being an emotional black-hole) I'm still unable to answer the full picture of "what happened?" because there are so many small factors stacking up over time, and though I've spelled out most of my personal shortcomings, it's clear to me now that we both played a part; it wasn't just one or the other of us. Lemme know if you ever figure out the esoteric mystery of "what happened." If not, maybe in 200 years a team of scientists will have a breakthrough discovery LOL All of this to say, you're not alone - not in any human sense at least

I understand this so well. I suspect ALL egos encounter this sort of haunting loneliness out of self-neglect, it's just that the neglect runs so deep that most of us don't even realize that this is happening. Some of us are just fortunate enough to be forced to drop the self-neglect by painful circumstance. It's a fundamentally inexpressible experience, to realize you've been turned away from yourself this whole time, and to finally reorient. The catharsis of realizing that I'm allowed to direct love at... myself!! Oh man! Unlocking this valve is like hacking life. It makes any previous external validation/affirmation/love-seeking goal look so silly (and yet you have perfect compassion for these past behaviors as well). It seems that this experience is inexpressible because talking about it to "others" subtly shifts you off-orientation once again, from Whole Singularity to fragmented duality. Though you could argue from a nondual standpoint that there is no distinction between sound and silence, I find for myself (at least for now) that Self-Love is dozens, if not hundreds of times stronger when it is allowed to be implicitly (as opposed to explicitly). Self-Love is a non-flashy phenomenon. From the outside it looks like nothing. As you actualize Self-Love, nobody will really "get" what's happening to you, even if they catch a whiff of it intuitively. This makes us all the more lonely in a fleshly sense. But paradoxically this is the most Whole and Fulfilled we will ever be. To be so lonely to the point that we're infinitely connected, together, and happy. Such a Noble, Intelligent, and Beautiful endgame.

Yeah you can really feel this energy when you go to one of their events. There's a sort of collective implicit idol worship that just feels so greasy. The way Owen gets you to eagerly and enthusiastically throw money at him as though it was your idea and free will (hah) is pitiful.

go out and find out

I used to be a competitive sprinter, but those are bygone days. Some part of me still resonates more with the explosive short distances, but recently all I do is long distance work. It's like an extended meditation - the joy and suffering are both slow burning, but its sure as hell fulfilling

I've quietly had this very intuition for about an year now, but I've never seen it spelled out so bluntly. Thanks for this. Unequivocally based. Esp the part about the superiority of social skills, and the fact that desiring bulk is sheer social-matrix-hypnosis.

Oh that explains me~

@SonataAllegro Lol my dad wanted me to go to IU, but luckily I didn't. @soos_mite_ah Bravo~

I'll be travelling to Manhattan Wed 10/6 - Sun 10/10 PM me if hanging & bonding over actualized.org sounds exciting

Yes

Untrue. "We are humans" is assumed by natural philosophers and scientists prior to the discoveries and assertions of philosophy and science itself.

Rarely the case, unfortunately.

At face value this critique made sense to me, but then I thought, well all things torn down had to be built up first. So as such, there is no conflict. You can't even set a guy on the saint's path (tearing down) before he has a "normal life" (building up). Otherwise, you just get spiritual bypassing....

I communicate Love by embodying and teaching Acceptance.

With regards to dating + relationships, or reality at large?

I don't see this at all. Leo is far more integrated than whatever credit you give him. Of course his advice to struggling men will be within the confines of the status quo social game. You can't expect struggling men to "rise above" a crooked system while they're starved and hungry. Leo's advice is tailored. Don't equate him to his advice. We would see different advice from Leo if he were to answer the questions of a non-starving and fulfilled man. Unfortunately, we just never see this happening because fulfilled men don't come crawling onto online forums for help.

@Raphael It's a stunning video. Highly recommend. @soos_mite_ah They're lonely and reaching out, not so different from you and I.

I'm not a lady, but I'm relating strongly to a lot of the responses so far, so I'll add my story to the soup too, as encouragement. Currently, I have 2 guys that I'd consider very close friends. They are on their respective spiritual journeys and are startlingly mature for their age (20ish). I have a couple dozen more people that I hang out with regularly and bond with, but there's a sense that they will "never understand me" because they're not serious about contemplation and introspection the way I am. I often dumb myself down to vibe with these people. Aside from that, I loosely consider anybody that I interact with a "friend." I had an amazing 40 minute conversation with my uber drive today. Even though I'll never see him again, he felt like a "friend." At the end of the day though, I understand that even my 2 closest dudes are temporary. Furthermore, I only hold them in high regard insofar as they serve my egoic survival agenda (acceptance, being listened to and understood, they provide massive value to me through their presence, energy, and insights, etc.) Truly, they are not any more special than someone I feel unable to befriend. Being friends with all of humanity is my ultimate ideal, but fundamentally I'll always be alone, as are we all.