Xam

Thanks a lot for your insights I tried to let it go using some sedona style method and just sitting with it. But it did not feel right. Thanks for your words Osaid. I am not sure if I am at a stage where I fully comprehend your message. What do you mean by "that"? What is helping currently is the act of figuring out how to integrate the experience and talking to good friends. I am at a point now where it feels like this feeling was already always there, but it was covered up. Like a cave entrance in a jungle hidden by bushes, the experience burned down the shrubbery and laid bare the entry to a gaping hole in my life. I feel the need to make sense out of it, I feel like if I let it become overgrown again, that I will be at square one again if the bushes are burning again. Does this make any sense? I don't know.

Hello Leo and all fellow self-actualizers I had 2.8g of dried mushrooms in the last 48h an fell really depressed afterwards. A short trip report for some context: It was not the first time I used mushrooms, so I had an idea what I got myself into. I took it with a good friend and we made sure for a save set and setting, including a trip sitter, and chilled at his place on the couch. We took the mushrooms with some bread and honey to ease the taste. The beginning was great, I felt like eternal love was flowing through my chest it very pleasant. It was not overwhelming. I had the expected visuals but only few open eye visuals, only if I really concentrated on some particular surface. Then something in the vibe of the environment changed. I cannot put into words but I suddenly felt restless and had the urge to be alone, lie down and trip with an eye mask because it got recommended to me, as so you could focus more on the inner flow of thoughts and workings of the experience than being distracted by all the outside visuals. After a while, I think after 2h so I guess I already peaked, I finally got up and slowly collected my things. I felt very stable and went home, which took me about 5-10 min by bike. And it felt amazing. I was really looking forward to tripping at my place. But then as I got into my flat it felt like a hammer fell on my head. It is very hard to put it in words but my life just felt miserable. I tried to follow my initial plan, put on some nice music and lay down on my bed. I tried to go with the flow but it became so negative that I couldn't bear it anymore. I felt awful mainly on a physiological level. I felt nausea from the mushrooms and tried to vomit, as it felt like I have to purge some bad energy or some emotion, but I was not able to do so. My next plan was to just sit there and meditate until it was over. But the whole in my chest kept growing I have never in my life felt so bad before. I tried all possible things, switched music, tried singing, finally I got outside and went for a walk. It was somewhat distracting but I was in an uncomfortable place. Because on one hand I felt super tired from the experience, on the other hand I felt like this awful feeling would hit me as soon as I would sit down. As I got back to my place it felt like I was on square one again. I tried writing and journaling but nothing really helped. In the end I was so scarred of my self that I called a friend and asked him if he could come over. This helped a bit and we went for a long walk together where I tried to talk about all the feelings I had and I was able to let some of it out. But still afterwards a profound emptiness continued. In my mind I was always positive and I was certain that it will go away at the end of the trip. He stayed with me for another hour and we watched some TV until I felt like I wanted to go to bed. I was able to sleep. But the problem is that this feeling is persisting even long after the trip and I am a bit worried what is happening to me. I realized that the reason why I had this negative hit when I entered my flat may be due to the fact that when I initially moved in, I was super tired, it was not well cleaned and I really felt miserable at the time because I had a long journey and started life in a foreign country. So I guess this could have been the trigger. But why is it so persistent even now? I already have plans to move out in a couple of month, but until then I have an important project I need to finalize for my work. So I am really looking for help how to integrate this experience and how to deal with the depressive feelings. I considered myself a pretty stable person, maybe with some incline for melancholy but with a huge goal oriented drive. This post got way longer than intended but if anybody bothered to read through all of this - please share your advice and experience about this topic.