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- Past hour
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Wow thanks for sharing and being so vulnerable! Many sufferers to not even know that their experience is not the usual. BPD is tough because the emotions are SO strong. Every emotion feels to have the power of the world ending. Someone saying no can be interpreted as 'I do not love you'. Being unclear about who one is, is also very distressing. @integral My experience was very different. I was aware what the person was doing was wrong - but I made a martyr of myself. I took twisted pride in my ability to deal with violence and abuse. Men with BPD can be a lot riskier to be around - which isn't to say women cannot be also. But I suffered a lot of torture and violence and was made to consistently receive the message "I come second, my needs are secondary". I walked away with broken boundaries. Which was contrary to how I was raised; in a healthy and loving environment. I lost myself in them. The physical and mental torture when I did not comply with their needs was terrible. I lost my ability to fight back due to extreme backlash when I did so. During my phase of healing I was quite spineless and lost all drive. Prior I had been very decisive, headstrong and confident in an unusual way for a woman. I gained all of that back after healing and recovering. I was in this environment for 4/6 years on and off. I am can confidently say I am healed from all that past stuff. I learned a lot. I am stronger for it. But not everyone is able to recover from trauma. I wish I knew why I bounced back. But I have a feeling genetics may have a large component; I was always headstrong, decisive & a forward thinking problem solver. I've never been one to dwell on the past. It's just the here and now and whats next Annnnnnyway! Thanks for your words !
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Carl-Richard replied to Consilience's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
My point is MAPLE already called itself a cult, presumably while implying it's not a bad thing. I have trouble distinguishing the Discord "cult" from this forum with respect to Leo's definition (or any salient definition) of a cult. Leo's definition of a cult which he cherrypicks from one "expert" (an MD with personal experience of a cult, which makes me and you just as qualified as experts), has the trouble of defining what mind control is, what funneling of sex/money/power looks like. This is not a critique I'm making (but I agree with it), this is a critique scholars have been making of Leo's "expert". Consistent with how it's hard to define these specific things, scholars seem to agree more or less on a very general definition of "a cult is a social group with deviant beliefs compared to the surrounding society, often religious in nature". This resonates with MAPLE's self-identification as a cult, it resonates with why I want to call the Discord I was a part of a cult, it resonates with why you want to call MAPLE a cult (I'll explain), and it resonates with why people call Actualized.org a cult. For further "proof" underscoring this point, you will feel compelled to call a doomsday cult a cult even if they were the most benign and socially/personally/psychologically non-threatening group of people (no "mind control techniques", you're always free to leave, they don't want your money, no obvious sexual exploitation, etc.). It is because they are a group with highly deviant beliefs compared to the surrounding society (and it would probably classify as religious in nature). It is when the experiences in the cult becomes challenging somehow, that we ourselves want to label it a cult, but it becomes hard to pinpoint exactly what changed, because the dynamics are always there in some form. "Mind control", "funneling sex/money/power", is always there in some sense. That's why they're hard to define and why there is always doubt and two sides of the story and why people fall for them at all. They are subtle and pervasive, at least in the beginning. And they can become very severe, without a doubt, but it's like boiling a frog: it starts in water, the water has an existing temperature, and you slowly crank up the temperature so it doesn't notice. -
Have to learn to forgive myself yeah have to find peace For so long i was lost hustling in the dark, no one understood my choices, only judgment and ignorance, alone and ambitious but I was incompetent, so I couldn't back up my promises and i wont deny, many times the pressure and the stress tore me apart, my own friends abused my state of mind,, but from the pain I did grow eventually and, and I learnt, and i became someone inside, Became someone inside, so its only time the world reflects it and I will ascend and I will shine, i'm already half way their already had some moments but i continued to lose myself and it kept dragging me down, I built some castles but i guess they were made of sand, but im ready now im really ready for the crown.
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What did you mean? I'll probably gonna warch it anyways.
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wow i had no idea haha, what is the mindset when you know you're lying but the emotion is strong like you're about to die? lmfao
- Today
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I can. I have BPD. I didn't even realize I had BPD until like a year ago. I've seen many therapists throughout my life, so it's wild to me that BPD has gone undetected for this long. Cray cray!
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Yimpa replied to Ramasta9's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
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Did they win that in the end? Wasn't it the cup they won months after having lost the match?
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Morocco won the 2025 U-20 world cup. the same coach is now coaching the main team. they've been getting better since the last WC semi final, which was crazy. they have arab cup and afcon now. so it isn't luck, they are a serious team.
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I think that there's something deeper here that might not be related to the relationships that you had later in life. I grew up in a very healthy family with integrity and receiving kindness was clear when it's done in good faith or not. It's easy to tell. It's possible you had a blind spot here. When someone gives me love I think "i am already full, i dont need more", and I have a sense of obligation to thank them and to give reciprocation and it's always a bit of a drag even though I understand where they're coming from. I'd rather give to them and not have them give to me. I'm here to give. "I don't need what you have nor do you understand what I need." is what they dont understand. Love has to be tailored to the persons needs and very few people understand me to do that, ___ With my first BPD relationship, I was blindsided by not realizing that they were lying with emotional tantrums, and I took all of these tantrums very seriously, and in the end they lied and cheated and did everything imaginable while requiring my 100% commitment and involvement in every single emotion, where every time they had an emotion, it was my full responsibility and problem. I did everything imaginable to help this person and immediately dropped everything to help them whenever they needed me. I still remember all of the lies that were uncovered at the end of the relationship and it blew my mind because I was completely convinced. And I'm not a naïve person. I'm naturally very sceptical of everything people say yet I believed everything that she said. She was so good at lying, people CANNOT imagine, and it was all masked with extremely strong emotions, her emotions were all part of a lie she was telling, but they were genuine emotions and so I couldn't differentiate and I couldn't see the lie. Then I dated a second BPD a while later while fully integrating the first experience, i handled it more like a caregiver would, like a parent with a child. I provided the self-development and healing that I did with the first one but without being sucked in to the corruption of the child. ___ sorry for the long reply, I wanted to show the differences between how we might have experienced our BPDs LOL Is this experience similar to yours? Or were you in a different role play scenario?
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This feature doesn't work on iPhone or Safari browser 😭 Workaround is using FireFox on my MacBook Neo
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Is suffering smart? No. Is it smart to suffer? Still no. But actually, it logically makes sense to suffer. Still no! You can package the horseshit any way you want and it's still horseshit. Even a child or an animal can see it. The eggheads are blind to their own horseshit.
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Yeah man. Fucking not that hard to wrap your head around the notion that advanced minds can literally warp to wherever they want in reality. Makes so much sense when you realize the limitlessness of Mind at large. Humans project their bullshit limitations onto the aliens and create a self-deceptive narrative that prevents them from being able to realize their existence. Of course they can fucking beam themselves here, we are like a retarded fish compared to them.
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@Joseph Maynor Yup, Van Halen was also a pianist before guitar. Allan Holdsworth learned violin after guitar (and tried emulating the sound of a horn on his guitar).
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That must have been exciting. It was more of a jab, Italy didn't even qualify out of the 48 teams. 😬 The bastards eliminated Spain and Portugal in the last world cup, reaching the semifinals. I don't think they're as strong as back then, though, but you never know.
- Yesterday
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yep.
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Relate to this a lot 🙏
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“Hey Siri, how excited am I?”
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Thin serif is especially bad in this configuration of colours, white text on black background. It's hard to read, the text gets crushed by the black fill around. Thick sans-serif stands out well on black. Although, the fact that the font size is really big helps in that situation. The sans variant has been a little too large.
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You being passionate about soccer/football is a surprise! Don’t think you’ve ever talked about it in blogs or videos before. I don’t care about it, but I do like when people share their passions so openly.
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Joseph Maynor replied to Mellowmarsh's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
Of course. -
I feel mid... This is going to make me sound like an asshole but I was hanging out with some people the other day who were quite impressive and I found myself feeling very mediocre in comparison. I know, I know, I should be happy for them and see it as aspirational and that's the right, good person, way to feel but I found myself feeling inadequate. I graduated from a mediocre university and I didn't even have a good GPA. I'm not the type of person who reads 50+ books a year. I'm not super busy in terms of my social calendar. I'm not out here working at a high paying job nor do I have a side gig. I'm not super athletic to where I'm running marathons and shit. And I don't have a masters degree. I don't think I'm a loser.I graduated with a double major and I think I'm decently educated in the world around me. I do read like a handful of books per year. I have a job that pays me well enough to support myself and to where I'm content with my life in a material sense. I have some close relationships. I have hobbies. I do have a habit of working out regularly even if I do suck at things and i'm not particularly atheletic. I have decent habits in terms of functioning in my day to day life and in terms of taking care of myself. I'm financially stable and have good saving, spending, and investing habits. I have some career related goals I have met. I travel every now and then. I have worked through most (but not all) of my issues regarding childhood trauma. I have decent communication and conflict resolution skills. I think in most metrics, I'm not failing at life. But I don't feel like I'm excelling either. I just feel painfully average. As narcissistic as it might sound, I think I do wish I had something that made me special or made me stand out in some way. I think there is a part of me that thinks it will make me more interesting, more desirable socially, and someone who is easier to connect to. I think it's also because I don't have the best core of self esteem and that part of my psyche never got properly formed growing up. If I were to describe myself, my brain will blank out. I'm not notably any particular personality, trait, or characteristic. I can't say I'm smart. I can't say I'm pretty. I can't say that I excel at x y or z. I feel like a grey blob.
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I never said sex in itself is a low consciousness activity. Where are you pulling that from? All I said was having sex without soul is low consciousness, and the need to go through as many bodies as you can might be compensating for something. On the other side, not making the dating journey and living in reaction to those who have succeeded could end up as bypassing or being needy. Of course that's also true. I'm assuming I don't have the same standards or sex drive as you. If I had your results it'd probably be more than enough for this lifetime. Bonding is important, yes. I'm still in my dating journey with my own unique goals and desires so I'm not in any way done with this. In that last part you're basically talking about lifestyle design which I think is a great idea. In my life I've gotten my best results dating while in lifestyle-design-mode. No disagreement there. Stage yellow derives its values from being, so I don't understand the argument you're presenting. If your goal is conscious relationships, then that sounds more Tier II to me (note I haven't reached that place yet so I'm not some preacher). If you have, great. Please enlighten me.
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@integral I recall you having experience with BPD partners/people close to you. After my experience with two people close to me that suffered from BPD, I had a lot of trouble accepting compassion and empathy in good faith. Charm too - my mind would jump right into "What does this person want from me?" "If I let this person help me, what will they ask in return?" It was really hard to break these patterns - it was like I had some leftover trauma from the experience (like a samskara) causing me to view empathy and compassion as weapons. Took me a lot of reprogramming to break that pattern and learn to accept love, compassion and empathy again.
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