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  2. Yes it's very hard (impossible) to describe, so I'm with you on that. It's just happening. I agree re this "not calling experience my own". Has been quite humbling for me on many occasions. I don't know about the "center of experience" stuff. I still feel very much in my body. I still receive information with my senses which kinda makes me automatically the center of experiences. Don't really know how to put it...
  3. Day 17 “The artist committing himself to his calling has volunteered for hell, whether he knows it or not. He will be dining for the duration on a diet of isolation, rejection, self-doubt, despair, ridicule, contempt, and humiliation.” ― Steven Pressfield, The War of Art So I've been in Chiang Mai for the past week Lots of stuff has happened. Just to rattle off some events: I am semi part of hostel life. Have made many friends and acquaintances I went to a drag show. I got pulled out of the crowd onto the stage, shirt off, grinded on, whipped, mock oral sex, etc in front of 200 people. It was great Went out to a UKG rave solo, danced for 2h straight and had fun despite being scared at first Went to a jazz club with a Taiwanese influencer and hypnotherapist Among many, did a badass spontaneous cold approach on a group of 2 girls and 1 guy and ended up going on a date that kinda failed (will explain in a future post) Went Mui Thai with my hostel, also to some waterfalls, other excursions Starting to get abs now from gym and eating healthily But really, all my days are the same I feel closed and antisocial, but I bring myself to go into these social situations / cold approaches anyway. Often I succeed in acting despite fear, and it feels good. But often the fear is too much and I back out, and I end up by myself feeling bad. If I have enough presence, I meet these lows in a conscious and productive way - journalling, observing, studying personal development material, etc. Sometimes I succumb to avoidance strategies, to distract myself from this pain - porn, youtube, etc. Sometimes I'll already be with people when I feel the negativity washing over. Usually I make myself stay, and watch this all unfurl within me to the best of my ability. I've have had many 'aha moments', which I will share. There's going to be a big gap between my experience of these insights, and the experience of anyone reading them here. Reminds me of Leo's levels of understanding video. Because I got these from experience, from reconciling parts of my worldview etc, they are more meaningful to me, having 'lived them', than they will be to you. Also, these insights are not something I can have once and be done. Despite having 'realised' them, I haven't integrated them into my life. Bad habits creeping back in When I first got here, it was easy for me to maintain good practices and stay away from distractions. Now I have been here a while I notice it's getting difficult again. The novelty has worn off. A strong, specific, emotionally resonant vision for who I can become will help me here. I don't fully have that yet which is dumb. Be present always Despite having meditated for years, till now, I haven't made an intention to be present continuously every moment of the day. I have this intention now. Some days it seems like I've spent 60% of the day present. Which is crazy. Without an increase in awareness I have no hope of seeing all the crazy shit my mind throws at me. Taking a more professional attitude The War of Art says you beat Resistance by becoming a 'professional', taking on a serious yet detached attitude towards the work. That is what I have tried to do with socialising. First off, focus. I didn't really come out here to travel and have fun. I came to grow in a specific way. That is what gives me most satisfaction and makes life feel meaningful. I will stay focused, plan my trip around growth and socialising primarily, rather than having fun or chilling or anything else. This may sound overly harsh, but it doesn't feel harsh to me. It feels mature and inspiring. Next, discipline. A week ago I set the goal that no matter how bad I feel, whenever I enter or leave my hostel, I will meet at least one new person. And every time I leave, I will do at least 3 approaches. This was a great idea, I do it automatically now. Also, I changed my mediation practice to fit better with the work. Every day morning and evening for 20m, 'do nothing' mediation primarily. I have decided this technique specifically will help me but it's long to explain why. Next, detachment (this is one I am still working on) "The pro stands at one remove from her instrument - meaning her person, her body, her voice, her talent; the physical, mental, emotional, and psychological being she uses in her work. She does not identify with this instrument. It is simply what God gave her, what she has to work with. She assesses it coolly, impersonally, objectively. The professional identifies with her consciousness and her will, not with the matter that her consciousness and will manipulate to serve her." - Stephen Pressfield I find socialising difficult because I am overly identified with my instrument. When I face rejection, it's not my approach that was rejected, it was 'me', and it hurts. What is my instrument? What is it I can train daily with right practice, yet remain detached from? My instrument: My body language, words, facial expressions, jokes How people react to me How sexual I feel, my emotions, how closed or open I feel, how good in my body The content of my thoughts, the rationalisations and excuses that come up in my mind, the desires to avoid and hide My hardwired limiting beliefs and insecurities Any way that I show up physically and emotionally None of this is within my control, yet I guilt myself, get angry and take it all so personally when this doesn't go how I want it to What I can control: Walking up and doing the approach in the moment when I feel fear Staying in though I feel uncomfortable Going for the number, the kiss, the pull Doing this consistently, again and again over weeks and months Choosing whether to believe my resistance when it comes up with distractions, or stay focused Mediating and getting good sleep every day Staying in Self, greeting whatever parts and emotions come up with consciousness and love and understanding If I can realise what I've written here at a deep level and actually live it, then problem solved Connection practice My therapist recommended me a good practice, goes like this: I am always both disconnected and connected to others When I feel disconnected, like other people know each other and don't want me there, my fearful parts are feeling into something real. It's not nothing, it really can be an emotional, energetic field shared between the group that my 'field' is excluded from. Ok, yet I am always also connected. Just by being in the same room, our fields are overlapping, and I can feel this connectedness if I want to. So, when I feel disconnected, don't repress it. Expand awareness to fully include this scared part. Then expand it further to feel into the feeling of connectedness. When the part and the connection are there together in awareness, the part can see for itself that it's connected, it's not alone, and it can heal. I find this difficult to do in practice but I am working at it. Dealing with a specific fear The other day I was out approaching when I ran into a specific old fear. What if I approach a girl, it goes badly and she turns out to be in my hostel. She tells everyone how creepy I am and I become a social outcast. I tried to push through by reminding myself how low probability this is. I even did a calculation: (people at my hostel / travellers in Chiang Mai) x (% it goes badly) x (% I will see her again) x (% she tells others) haha. It came out at under 1%. But the fear was still there and I kept missing approaches. I sat down and began asking myself how I can deal with this. I realised I was trying to repress the fear, and fight it with other parts. I tried really understanding it and feeling into it, and ended up acknowledging that it is a valid fear to have, however small. The way I overcame it wasn't by dismissing it as low probability, but by reminding the part that worst comes to worst, Self is here. Even if I become a social outcast (whatever that means), I am 27 years old. I am here. I can handle it. Something clicked again. This is the way to deal with such fears. Acknowledge, feel, understand. Seek first to understand and then to be understood. And then trust that I can handle it anyway and act with the fear still there. Sexual mask part Last week I saw an interesting part emerge. I was talking to an attractive girl, she was introverted but I think she was into me, though there wasn't any man to woman stuff going on. I saw how even though I was attracted, something was cutting me off from this. My whole lower body felt vaguely numb. I didn't take it further, left the conversation early, then felt bad. I investigated this with IFS later that day. I lay watching sex tapes I made with my girlfriend, watching for any guilt or shame or constriction arising in my body. I found it, a vague feeling of sadness. I greeted it with compassion, and tried asking it questions, why was it sad, what does it want me to know, etc. I got some very confused answers out, the following is from my journal: Do I feel shame about sex? - Yes. Why? I want to understand why I am sad. - I am here for you - I feel sadness - Unloved, isolated, wanting to be included but not being, not shame or guilt, just sadness, grief - A clutching in the throat, feel like I will cry, resignation, hopeless and being alone - Wanting someone them to love me and knowing they don't, and feeling alone and unable to talk to anyone about it - 12yo lying in bed in Poland thinking about how they don't love me - 13yo being in a relationship with Sim and realising she doesn't like me - Protectors closing up again over the sadness and the tenderness, but with a sense of exhaustion and dullness - Not wanting to do this job, wanting to rest - Like a slave going back to work, resigned to the fact that this is his whole life, work work work, he will never be free, he has done it a million times and this is his life, a dull, drowning exhaustion - Why do you feel you have to do this? ○ That is my job, my responsibility - why do you feel you have to do this job forever? ○ I get almost no answer that feels valid ○ There is no alternative where it doesn't do this, this part doesn't think about any alternative, it's job is singular. To mask over and shield the pain and the vulnerable tender parts Whenever I do stuff like this I put it into ChatGPT and ask for its opinion. It's analysis was great. I assumed masking of sex was about guilt and shame, so went looking for that. But what I found instead was attachment grief. This develops when as a child, you needed emotional closeness or reassurance and didn't get it reliably, so you learned not to expect it and handle things on your own. The grief and pain of this harsh 'lesson' sits with you forever just beneath the surface. It was a surprise to feel this within me. I have never been in touch with this part or seriously considered it intellectually. This part sees wanting sex as wanting love, so masking isn't about sexual shame, it's protection from reliving that experience, which is really very innocent and pure. Needing love and not getting it. I don't know how to heal this part or give it the love it wants. But I have faith that when I am ready it will reveal itself to me again and it can be healed. This is real shit, real trauma work that I have never engaged in till now. As I write this, I realise again that this is where the work is. In bringing love into myself and my life. All the other things I am doing mean nothing without love. This is all within myself Every fear and limit I have is inside myself. Criticism and judgement from others is just a mouthpiece for my internal resistance. With love, I can heal all my fears, grow through all my limits, and be free, able to love and live the life I want. I catch myself so focused on the external when really I am working with my own mind, always. If you don't go within, you go without. Kind regards <3

  4. San-Pedro trip

    Porphyry Fedotov posted a topic in Psychedelics

    Hey everyone. I’m currently in Cusco, Peru, where San Pedro cactus is legal, you can buy it at the market, which is exactly what I did. A few days ago I brewed a decoction and drank it at night. At the peak, I felt like I transcended into some kind of energetic being made of pure energy. I perceived other energetic entities as blob‑like forms of flowing energy, somewhat similar to TV static. The energy flowed like liquid mercury. Just perceiving that plane of reality felt like it reassembled me from the inside. I found myself on a strange level of existence populated by jellyfish‑like beings. It felt as my interest in them was what pulled me into that plane, the more I focused my awareness at them with curiosity, the more clearly that realm manifested itself. At some point, I myself became a blob of pure energy - that I literally wove myself into the structure of their world. It even felt like I was replicating there in the form of energetic constructs. It was weriedly easy - as simple as having a thought. Fractals were pushing in from all sides chaotic and relentless. So intense that I couldn’t focus my eyes on anything; reality shattered into endless patterns, everything flowing and breaking apart. I also saw shimmering energetic snakes crawling along the corners of objects. I drank the brew around 4am, and by 3pm the effects were still going strong. Time behaved strangely. At one moment, around 11am, it felt like time had completely frozen. I started shivering violently, as if I were turning into ice. At times it felt like linear time had broken down and multiple things were happening simultaneously. I put on Kali kirtans, and I began to dissolve into dust. It felt as though parts of me were being erased, page by page, from the book of existence and carried away. I seemed to spend eons in this cycle, slowly moving along the dial of some cosmic clockwork mechanism. Moment by moment, particles of me crumbled like decaying pages of ancient papyrus and drifted off into cosmic space. It felt like a slow death of the ego, not harsh like with mushrooms, but softer and more gradual. There was also a moment when I felt as if I had ascended to the top of the world, to a place where the creator or the source of everything was present. Some kind of ritual mystery was unfolding there, and then light began to burst outward in all directions. Overall, the cactus feels like this: it’s a very slow but unstoppable truck. At first you think nah, this is weak. But at the peak, the fractal energy presses through you completely, and there’s nowhere to escape. What’s interesting, though, is that throughout all of this there was still an observer present. I clearly and distinctly realized during the trip that there was me as the observer and the observed - all this psychedelic madness. There was no total collapse of subject and object like I was hoping for. There was a brief moment when I saw an unopened lotus flower and felt as if I were rushing toward the observed like a train, trying to merge into an embrace - but I barely remember it, and it doesn’t feel like any real union actually happened. So, guys what do you think, is reaching a truly non‑dual state is more about dosage, or more about mindset and intention? I’ve had dozens of mushroom trips behind me, with doses starting from 5gr of dried Cubensis and up, and I’ve experimented with many different psychedelics. Yet genuinely non‑dual experiences are still very rare visitors for me....

  5. Website stability issues

    LastThursday replied to Natasha Tori Maru's topic in Personal Development -- [Main]

    @Miguel1 yeah! I've learned not to panic. I just have to wait twenty minutes and get the browser to resend, normally works. That's if I remember to do that before I accidentally close the tab, which is actually the problem.
  6. This is something i want to leave for myself nd everyone else~as its good for getting yas to stretch. im posting the one with him talking about the "upside down world" we live in, and how we should be thinking in terms of doing things backwards—to counteract the upside down world. Anyway, bottomline, its these two videos that i wanted to post. He often blends into the realm of spirituality. I believe we need these new ways of thinking about our body. We need some genuine remedies for the body, and this guy drops one idea after another that many people have never heard of or tried, and life is about experiences and trying things out, so here yas go... For the spine and proper laying, For the *Upsilon down world and counteracting a life of overstressing of *forwarded muscles, p.s., he has quite a few many videos, so yous'll have to explore them all.

  7. DXM - Understanding Nothingness

    Davino replied to Lazarus93's topic in Psychedelics

    They are different facets of the Absolute. For more on that check Leo's video of the many facets of Awakening. There's value on saying it's the same on some level, but there's also a lot of value on distinguishing one from the other, because you may have them in isolation or in aggregate.
  8. Today
  9. There's no solution other than sitting with it and burning imo. Either you distance yourself from the world and live in the woods. Or you participate in the madness. Like the proverb says: "if you can't handle the heat, don't go to the kitchen" If you learn to harness the fire, you can use it for good means and make nice dishes, or you can be a bad cook and burn the kitchen down.
  10. I dont know for sure, but it sounds to me similar to a couple of experiences I have/had where the centre of experience is dissolved. I simply can't claim experience to be my own. It just happens. Experience of clouds, experience of dog. Experience of smell of roasting potatoes. In those moments I am the potatoes, the dog, the cloud. Non-local. No claim. The centre has vanished only to be left with feeling. Breath. My description is shit really. Because as soon as I describe it, it is not it. But I remain in this non-centre for large swaiths of experience... Remarkable and quite lovely!
  11. I don’t dismiss that the self functions as will at the human level in, for example, choosing, acting and orienting the organism in the world. Where I make a distinction is in equating that functional will with authorship in the absolute sense. From my perspective, the self participates in movement, but does not originate meaning, existence, or reality itself. What falls away in liberation is not the capacity to decide or act, but the belief that this deciding center is the source from which reality proceeds or to which reality must conform. So where you describe enlightenment as the self becoming a frictionless flow of the real, I commend this as a description of a perfectly integrated self. Yet what I am pointing to is subtler: the self no longer experiences itself as the one to whom flow belongs. Will continues, movement continues, life continues, but all without the added layer of ownership: “this is my will, my life, my continuity.” The flow is not claimed. This is why I will hesitate to say the self “becomes one with reality.” Rather, the self is seen as within reality, not its representative or expression-in-chief. The difference is small in language but large experientially: one preserves the central authority that is now harmonious while the other lets central authority dissolve with function remaining intact. That, I think, is our real divergence: integrated centrality versus the quiet loss of central authorship. So this is not about the annihilation of the self, but its relegation from being what reality was ever about.

  12. OCD

    Oppositionless replied to Oppositionless's topic in Mental Health, Serious Emotional Issues

    Other people’s opinions do not matter — at all. God loves you. It’s okay to be a little cringe.

  13. Examples of Neurodivergence from real Life

    Natasha Tori Maru replied to Cred's topic in Personal Development -- [Main]

    How are you differentiating inherent neuro divergent behaviours (nature) from external incentive / conditioning structures (nurture)? A lot of this can be looked at as social conditioning from the rise of technology and modern living. From one lens, at least. Not discounting natural tendancies of course. But it seems we have no way to know what is causing what.
  14. What do you mean by "transitioning"?
  15. Oh oh. This gets our minds twisted up into a knot like lemniskos like, its a puzzle for the mind, right? For there was something else i was tryin to express, which was "how simple" we believe things are, as a result of seeing things *simply*, like... Starting from this first.. Think of "mindfulness". It assumes that there werent already "mindful" qualities within; spirituality assumes we werent already spritual/or more spiritual, and philosophy assumes we hadnt established some seed of philosophy without explicitly mentioning it as a philosophy. You can continue that with everything else. or ill ask the ques., "What else can just *be*, without there requiring a thing to fill it in with the paint bucket tool? What else are we creating, and, is it adding to that which already *is*? Can there even be a *thing* without there being *mistakes that were made* in the process leading up to?... Like, its very complicated when you are looking at it like that, since everything would often, more than likely, require *mistakes made* in the process leading up to, like, its not so *simple* when you really dig into it is all. Thats usually followed then by "its not that hard", like, but that lasts for like 5 seconds until you realize thats b.s., as its exceedingly complicated once you start asking questions, which is all you can ever do right? To be sitting silent is to ask the question of, whether or not a truck isnt driving through your wall, like... We dont just sit in quiet, we actively engage the stuff of mind

  16. A Syrian story in progress

    integration journey replied to integration journey's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    we should realize ourselves as pure consciousness - Turiya - and everyone and everything as none other than the same Turiya, and live life in peace and fullness and joy. Realize the divinity within yourself and the spiritual oneness of the whole universe. Manifest that divinity in daily life through peace, love and service to all beings. That is the spiritualization of everyday life. Sarvapriyananda, Who Am I?
  17. @Joshe "Seek n ya shall find" i have a very different interpretation of this. nevertheless, i really like where that quote starts from, though i want to frame some of these things from a different perspective, to show you what i would be seeing. You mentioned somethin along the lines of "Ask the community what spirituality is for and they'll say equanimity, peace, love, presence. Interesting how these just so happen to be things they desperately want. People rig the game so that..." You know, theres another way to phrase whats been said here, and thats how "People only search in those areas that have the most street lights illuminating it", that is, if they lose their keys in the dark, or theyre searching for an answer whilst in the dark—Its sortve like saying "Hey, Look. People only look in the daytime for things that have been lost at night", right? Its like... Of course people are searching from the vantages where they can see, right? Thats precisely where you can see the best at night! duh?! Do you get it? One cannot simply START by searching in a maximally efficient area, through edges of personality and perception with extreme clarity, like, that comes w/ a lot of time and effort. Ppl simply *look* in the places theyre most likely to find, they *act* from the places they are most likely to *feel*. Leo mentioned somethin in another thread~about God's dilemma or something along these lines, and that applies to this. That is, you have things you would *like to create in the center (the idealized vers., of something) but that pre-supposes that theres an "outside" to this. It subsumes everything else in order to bring into existence that which is an *idealized* centerfold. That is to say, the reason it is so difficult to understand "why people are searching for answers in their own idealized realities" is because, think about it, how can you be sure that you are not "just starting" in the center of the center? In other words, How can they know they havent just lost their keys in an area that exceeds the area of where you lost them initially? But its not about "how much space is around you", thats not what im saying, its about "how does that space you are in—*contrast* with the space outside of you, via the assumption that there was a space~to begin. That gets into a deep philosophical lineage of ques., that youd find yourself in if youd carry the inner torch of the mind forward, because all questions would be doing this. They would be presupposing that there is a *good reason* for anything—for why there exists outside of them some more idealized version of their *own* idealized version of reality. So to put it in a way, people who are just starting out, or who have questions to answers in the dark, they dont know any better, and when you *look*, you *act*, and that *acting* looks like things like this. It looks like this *idealized vers.* of a reality that *isnt there yet. It presupposes no outside, it subsumes the situation w/ their own mind, by virtue of assuming that "this is the center of where the keys are at... And that other stuff is NOT!.. So therefore, THAT is ideal, and THAT is NOT", "THAT" being the implicit pointing of saying to theirselves "Yes, to that", or "No, to that". And just to circle back to the beginning "Seek nd ye shall find", that is a reference to the "Seeking in the first place". Ya know? Its an initialized, idealized route that you take from the perspective of seeking. That is all. Theres no secret sauce beyond "getting started in the MOST likely of areas or situations, to find those answers or ques., where they are most likely to *fall out of the sky* from, which is followed by a many~a~dilemma thereafter, a cascade if you will.

  18. Your Recent Movie Picks

    emptiness dancing replied to Nemra's topic in Off-Topic: Pop-Culture, Entertainment, Fun

    Watch Send Help! Absolutely don't watch the trailers! Don't even try to get a hint what the movie is about! I was hooked from start to finish. I absolutely didn't know what genre or the direction the movie was going to go!!

  19. Ladyboys

    Kid A replied to Butters's topic in Dating, Sexuality, Relationships, Family

    It clearly seems to be the case with women, at least. And with all the homophobia and concern about whether other men are gay or not that men display across the globe - that reeks of gayness, if you ask me. For us non-homophobes, other people’s sexuality is about the most boring and uninteresting thing there is.

  20. Ladyboys

    emptiness dancing replied to Butters's topic in Dating, Sexuality, Relationships, Family

    Don't forget your ladyboy declaration form

  21. Ladyboys

    Talinn replied to Butters's topic in Dating, Sexuality, Relationships, Family

    Make sure you clear out your browser history though, don't want any funny stuff in there..

  22. Ladyboys

    Shermaningeorgia replied to Butters's topic in Dating, Sexuality, Relationships, Family

    Fine. That’s your opinion. And just that
  23. I don't. It just keeps happening. Did not choose this, these experiences just began to happen this year after intense Vipassana practice. It feels like the antenna metaphor. I don't do anything, but sometimes my personal perception has the right channel to receive things.
  24. @MaxVHell yeah man I wish you luck. It's my first time travelling properly also. I feel like I have grown faster out here than I have in years, I'm sure you'll find the same @Butters I have mad fear of flying too. I watch lots of air crash analysis on youtube. Probably doesn't help lol @Lyubov The air quality in Bangkok and Chiang Mai is awful. You can actually feel it stopping you breathing properly as you walk down the street. I would recommend getting a PM2.5 mask for walking down busy roads, you can pick em up in 7-11

  25. What's your favorite anime and why?

    integration journey replied to Never_give_up's topic in Off-Topic: Pop-Culture, Entertainment, Fun

    Currently mushi-shi
  26. 😂

  27. Ladyboys

    NewKidOnTheBlock replied to Butters's topic in Dating, Sexuality, Relationships, Family

    Keep coping buddy; genitals are absolutely crucial in this aspect and the moment I'd find out a "woman" has a dick I'd be immediately grossed out; even if prior to possesing that knowledge I was attracted to the outward feminine bodily characteristics and behaviors. See this definition sicko:
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