This stream auto-updates
- Past hour
-
That is also true, but I just hate content feeds with a passion. I quit them and I feel significantly better. Not that they are not enjoyable. They are numbing. I have so much cringe music and content to share but... I don't want to return here. Anyway I am here! With regard to the forum the self-dev solutions are simpler in practice than endless QandA. Questions, curiosity and framing better models about reality is fine but, I come from a self-dev school where the solution is always simple and the one I am most unwilling to face - that which does the most damage and I don't want to see. To jump around it is to circlejerk. And my criticism is untenable after all. So don't mind my nonsense. Best regards.
-
When I came to AyaMadre for the second time in 2024, five years after my first time there, I made a deal with Maestra Estella. She agreed to build a house for me with a bathroom, a shower and a kitchen, and to let me stay at AyaMadre for one year for $5,000. The agreement also included participation in three ceremonies each week. This was almost the last of my money. I may have had only about $500 left in my bank account after making that investment. I was committing almost everything I had to the medicine path, trusting that this would become my home and that I would finally have a stable place from which to continue my healing and my work with Ayahuasca. The house was never completed. They did clear the land for it and began construction, but during the approximately four months that I spent at AyaMadre, they only managed to finish the initial frame of the house. What was supposed to be a simple agreement gradually became a constant source of stress and conflict. I kept asking them, with my very limited Spanish, "When are you going to build my house?" They kept postponing the construction and giving me different explanations: "What's your budget?" "You paid too little for one year." "We need to hire a contractor." "Building a house is a lot of work." "The materials cost a lot." I repeatedly told them that I didn't want to hear all the details about the construction. We had made an agreement. They would build me a house for $5,000, and I expected them to honor that agreement. This struggle continued throughout almost my entire time there, until eventually I felt that I had enough and decided to leave AyaMadre with my friend Kay. Looking back on it now, knowing what I already knew about Estella and her ways of extracting money from people, I should have known better. A smarter arrangement would have been to pay for the house only after it had been completed, rather than giving almost all of my money in advance. At the same time, I did spend approximately four months there, and at that time Estella was officially charging $2,500 per month, so texhnically I still received roughly a $5,000 discount for the time I stayed. I could therefore look at the situation as a difficult lesson rather than simply a financial loss. I had trusted someone with almost everything I had, and I learned something important about agreements, boundaries, trust and the difference between what someone promises and what they actually do. While I was at AyaMadre, I also received several warning signs that drinking a medium to high dose of the medicine, especially at night, was dangerous for me. There were several occasions when I felt a sense of separation returning. I could no longer feel the icaros in the same way, my movements would become awkward, and my reality would begin to look subtly "dead" or distorted. Despite these signs, I continued participating in the night ceremonies. Whenever I felt that sense of separation beginning, I would look toward the light, and again and again the light seemed to bring me back into a feeling of connection with Love. Eventually, I learned that the safest and most healing way for me to work with the medicine was during the light of day, with my eyes open. During those ceremonies I felt connected throughout the entire experience and received what felt like the deepest healing. Estella was the only Shipibo curandera I knew who regularly conducted ceremonies during the day, with two daytime ceremonies and one nighttime ceremony each week. The energy of AyaMadre itself seemed to reflect Estella's way of relating to her pasajeros and the way she ran the center. There was almost always a sense of lack and deprivation. There were frequent shortages of food and water. Construction projects seemed to begin and then be abandoned halfway through, while new projects were started before the previous ones were finished. There were unfinished tambos and others that badly needed repairs, with leaking roofs and mold. The bridge needed to be repaired, and almost everything at AyaMadre seemed to be constructed with the bare minimum of materials and, at times, what felt like the bare minimum of effort. The entire place felt to me like an Ayahuasca center for poor people, even though Estella was continually extracting thousands of dollars from her pasajeros. She somehow managed to make the place feel as though it were constantly dying of starvation because there were never enough resources. One pasajero even told me that he had received a vision that "the AyaMadre spirit is sick." Looking back at the state of the center during my time there in 2024, I thought that was an incredibly accurate description. The kitchen was probably the most stressful place of all. There were often stressed and angry volunteers, complaining, gossiping and smoking cigarettes. I remember that on the day I arrived, there were about five people smoking cigarettes in the kitchen. The contrast between the sacred medicine that everyone had come there to work with and the atmosphere surrounding its preparation was difficult for me to reconcile. I had come expecting a place dedicated to healing, love and transformation, yet much of the ordinary human behavior around me seemed to reproduce the same patterns of scarcity, fear, frustration and competition that I had spent so much time and effort trying to move away from. Despite all these challenges, I processed an enormous amount of trauma during the four months I spent at AyaMadre. Almost every ceremony brought tears of joy, gratitude and liberation. Toward the end of my time there, something profound was happening in the way I perceived the world. Every "scene" in my reality, even something as ordinary as the blue plastic table or the kitchen which was built with simple materials brought from the jungle, could suddenly look like a masterpiece designed by a genius artist. The beauty wasn't dependent on luxury or perfection anymore. I could look at the simplest objects and feel an overwhelming appreciation for their existence. I knew I was slowly waking up to deeper and deeper layers of the beauty of Paradise. One day, Kay and I were walking through the jungle when we discovered another center nearby called Marosa. It was only about a fifteen or twenty minute walk from AyaMadre. Synchronistically, I remembered that I had first discovered Marosa during my first stay at AyaMadre in 2019, about five years earlier. At that time, the maloka had only just begun to be built. Now, five years later, the entire center had been completed and was receiving pasajeros. What struck me immediately was how different the energy of Marosa felt from AyaMadre. The place felt tranquil, beautiful and well cared for. The food was prepared with love and served with genuine smiles. The tambos were constructed with quality materials and felt more like little cabin houses than the poor, barely raised structures I had become accustomed to at AyaMadre. Everything seemed to have been built carefully by people who knew what they were doing and who cared about the environment they were creating. I felt that AyaMadre had prepared me to appreciate everything about Marosa to the fullest. After everything I had experienced, I could see the beauty of every detail. I fell in love with the place. Eventually, Kay and I left AyaMadre together and went to the city of Iquitos, where Kay got me a room at what became the best hotel I had ever stayed in, Casa Morey. "Casa" means "house" in Spanish, while "Morey" reminded me of the Russian word "морей," meaning "of the seas." I began seeing the name as "House of the Seas," which seemed remarkably appropriate for what I discovered inside. The hotel was unlike any other hotel I had ever experienced. It felt more like a hotel and museum combined, with the entire place decorated with real antique artifacts connected to ships, navigation and nautical adventures, many of them appearing to date from around the seventeenth through nineteenth centuries. The owner was an antique collector of nautical artifacts, and there was an entire museum room filled with beautiful objects that seemed to transport me back into another era, making me feel as though I had suddenly become an adventurer aboard an old ship. In the center of that museum room, hanging on the wall, was an antique wooden masterpiece that immediately caught my attention. It looked almost like a Russian terem or palace, with sharp pointed towers and two angels standing on either side. In the center was Her Majesty Mother Mary, depicted as a tranquil, elegant, gentle and almost angelic Goddess in turquoise. Something about the image deeply resonated with me. After everything I had experienced with the Divine Mother, Mother Wolf and Mother Mary, encountering this particular image in the center of this antique nautical museum felt like another message of reassurance arriving at exactly the right moment. The rooms in the hotel had high vaulted ceilings, antique furniture and even old-fashioned rotary dial telephones. Every detail reinforced the feeling that I had been transported back in time. I loved the place so much that I decided to extend my stay for one more night, even though I had very little money remaining. In the second room they gave me, there was an Ayahuasca visionary painting depicting a ship in the center surrounded by all kinds of spirits and beings. At the wheel stood the captain with his crew of adventurers around him. After everything I had just been through, I couldn't help but see myself in that image. Casa Morey felt like a marvelous gift that had somehow appeared at exactly the right moment. I was basking in the beauty of the entire hotel, appreciating its antique artifacts, its architecture, its atmosphere and the care that had gone into creating it. I felt as though the entire hotel had been built just for me to discover at that exact moment and appreciate to the fullest. After spending four months at AyaMadre in what my mother had once accurately described as "bare minimum comfort," I suddenly felt like a king in a palace. I also felt like a captain leading the ship of my destiny, with my crew of Kay and her husband Dan beside me. Both were special forces military veterans whom I experienced as exceptionally intelligent, powerful and supportive people who believed in me and were willing to help me not only as friends but financially as well. At that moment, I felt like I had reached the peak of my power, both spiritually and physically. While I was staying at Casa Morey, I made a Facebook post titled, "I'm the captain of my ship." My mother then sent me a message: "главное чтобы твой корабль не потерпел крушение," which translates as, "The main thing is that your ship doesn't sink." I responded: "Уже терпел, теперь непотопляемый." In English: "My ship has sunk before. Now it's unsinkable."
- Today
-
Finished another 100mg ALA + 50 MG DMSA round. Dosed every 3 hours. 72 hours. I haven't been using that much vitamin C this time nor did I load up for 2 weeks. I didn't crash and sleep was decent. I have done higher doses in the past so this was pretty light. I had zeolite nanoparticles at hand in case I miss a dose. I'll try a 200MG ALA 50 MG DMSA round next time. I'm just mopping up with DMSA only right now. I'll take 3+ days off before next round, at least to get some proper sleep
-
Ziran replied to Hyperion's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
IMO, examples are needed: Contradiction: A married-bachelor Paradox: bitter-sweet chocolate A contradiction is intuitive: the union of opposing forces is false. A paradox is counter-intuitive: the union of opposing forces is true. Yup If it's invalid, then it's a contradiction. If it's valid, then it's a paradox. Yes. Within all of reality, the paradox is a union of paradox and contradiction. Maybe what you're observing is: This union, this paradox, is valid, always and forever? -
Oh god I need to watch this at some point. This needs to be a one time exception.
-
Post #82 The devil can only exist so long as God is asleep. It’s not in the devils interest that God awakens. But there’s nothing God wants more than to awaken. You’re playing a game against yourself.
-
Willy Phallicus replied to Terell Kirby's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
Science is the Holy Church of the Random Accident. Different dogma but still dogma. -
I know what you mean. That's why I was asking what I was. "I" "asked" how to stay there or get there permanently and the answer was when my stay here has ended. No rush obviously as its inevitable but that was the answer. To be clear I am not advocating you speed up the process.
-
-
Cell Biology is hallucination https://www.instagram.com/reel/Dc6JCdFxLeQ/?stkn=NzhhaG82endvNHA1
-
-
Mellowmarsh replied to Mellowmarsh's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
Yes, exactly! -
Mellowmarsh replied to Mellowmarsh's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
Yes, that’s it. I can’t accept that, so I’ll accept that too, yes. -
Ziran replied to Hyperion's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
It's objectively true. Can you describe any conditions which render the statement untrue? Prove it. Bring a set of conditions where the following statement is untrue? "In total, All of reality includes: truth, fiction, and the inconceivable" ? Did someone tell you that everything is relative, and you accepted it without testing ? -
Yup absolutely . I have experienced in my life that authenticity/vulnerability is like a filter . It does both - attracts and repels.@Olaf puts it more nicely .
-
But the point of authenticity is not to get people to like you.
-
@Natasha Tori Maru I would say authenticity is a bit complex, today I am actually gonna try to be a bit more unflitered when I go out and approaching and I will let you know how it goes. What I have noticed is that being authentic here and there about things that aren´t really attractive per say, does make a woman more interested, because your not wearing a fake performative mask. At the same time trauma dumping isn´t really good either. It is kinda scary to be vunerable with literally a stranger, it is like when you perform, you don´t get rejected, the personality gets rejected, when you put yourself out there vunerable, then you get rejected like the very deep core side of you, which of course is allot more painful then someone rejecting a more performative side of you. I think there is something to authenticity for sure, yet it being the only solution to everything seems a bit like a sales tactic to get people buying your course about authenticity, also how authentic should you get? Because at some point you can get more and more and more authentic to the point that it becomes completly unrelatable, a good example would be some homeless dude who is saying whatever is on his mind and is rejected by everyone.
-
Last thing about the needles and haystacks- it's not like a woman with a smaller haystack somehow has a better ratio of high quality to spam options. She still has to sort out the hay and find the needle. Also, the size of the hay stack should correlate to amount of needles. For example; young model has 1,000 courters, of those 25 are potentiall solid husbands (2.5%) 90 yo grandma has 100 courters of those 2.5 (round up to 3) are potential solid husbands (2.5%) It's not like grandma has 100 courters and 25 of them are legit husbands. Or are you saying that they are? It's not like the guys going for uglier women are somehow more committed and not playing games, they just aren't having success with beautiful women. If it were up to them, they would be on dates with more beautiful women. it's not like out of the goodness of the heart and great character they are talking to 2s and 3s
-
The biggest problem with AI is cost-efficiency. In the beginning, it's high. It can do a lot of things very fast and probably cheap. It's better than humans. Then as your needs become specific and care about details, it will fail. Or it will cost a lot to achieve what an experienced human can do in a similar time range. AI is great for creation. But not so great for maintenance. This will be the hard problem of AI, and there will be no way to fix it or work around it. This is where AI will hit its limits. Mark my words.
-
Why is attention from being attractive automatically "low quality men" I almost feel like you are swinging the pendellum too far, maybe because you used to think "Men only want me for my beauty, that is my only form of value in a relationship" (which i agree is incorrect) to this now "beauty means nothing and has no value and is even a liability" I think Natasha's pov is more level-headed tbh I agree, pre-pick up time was much more innocent and "human" we could say. But i'd argue on some level the dynamcis were still at play. It's like how people use grammar without consciously knowing all the rules of grammar. These same dynamics of beatuy, status, were very much in play, even being goofy at a club and dancing up on a girl. The difference now is these dynamics have been studied and hyper analyzed by some pretty clever minds and men and women are exploiting them for personal gain. That is the red-pill in it's more tactical forms. Orion Tarabahn is the poster child for that shit. Yes but some men have a smaller desert and some women have a larger swamp. A larger swamp is likely to have more clean water in it.
-
@felixk_priv Great !
-
A lot of this comes down to high status traits, it's not just some random thing, and his level of investment will likely correlate to her beauty and how attracted he is to her. If a woman was a fan of say, Led Zeppelin, and went on a date with Robert Plant she would likely delude herself to think they had incredible chemistry, he was totally invested (or at least could be in the future if she slept with him enough times), and of course she admires him, and that they have a super deep connection and speak each others langauge. Why? Because he is high status based on her values. Unless he totally bombed the date, there is little he could do to mess that up. Similar to how a guy will do the same shit if he is a 50 year old divorcee and goes on a date with a 20 year old OF model. He will walk away feeling like they are soul mates. This happens all the time.
-
I want to say that getting clarity changed everything for me . This is how I have sorted things out in my life , and In dating it's been THE FUCKING SAME . I think if you are out doing pickup but you are not clear on core things or doing the process to get it , red fucking flag . I feel this is the core , the core of the process . GET CLEAR . I wasted lots of time ' doing pickup ' without getting clear on things . Big mistake , except for that fact that it taught me the importance of getting clear which is : questioning , processing , contemplating I spent time getting clear and now my dating life is fucking fixed and pretty .
-
That's the mistake that I would agree with. Thinking the guy is only interested in sex. But as Natasha mentioned too , the nuance is the sexual attraction as a bridge then you can discern if he has better qualities or is interested in you as a person or you have chemistry or whatever. Sure i would agree, if a couple forms solely on the basis of some kind of exchange (like Orion Tarabhn would advocate) of Resoucres/Status for Beauty , then she will easily leave him for the next higher status guy and he will divorce her for the younger model, which there will always be, if they don't grow and connect on any other qualities. And obvious as this may seem, many people do use this strategy and yes, it's unwise, because it's almost like an unconscious non-transparent negotiation that has happened "you be my trophy wife arm candy, i'll put you in Benz" Yes, I'd agree, on the basis that she doesn't have dsicernment skills Is it superficial though? I think we should be careful about labelling this as superficial. It's like labelling mens attraction to youth, curves, and beauty superficial. I believe we have deep evolutionary wiring for being attracted to these things and if we are honest with ourselves we care deeply about it. If a guy is anxious, not respected by anyone and basically a wimp, then the context for attraction is gone just like how an 90 year old grandma doesn't have a context for attraction. No matter how comitted a guy like that is (or how horny for casual sex a Grandma is) no woman (or man) will want it. Now I'm not saying every woman is secretly a gold digger, but status and wealth usually equate to character. Think about it. Even if she doesn't care about a rich guy, like a girl in Bali or another Stage Green environment, even a hippie commune living off-grid. The higher desired males will be the ones with emotional stability, intelligence, social skills, leadership qualities, strength, resiliance, passion, spine, etc - it just so happens in the modern world that equates to wealth so i almost feel like actual money is just an indicator of a mans competence because usually rich men (espeically self-made) don't just get there without having seriously powerful qualities like that. But equating money to strong internal characteristics is problematic in a tons of ways that i don't agree with. We will just have to agree to disagree here then. I don't disagree with you about the discernment skills needing to be sharp as a tack for women, if i've gotten anything from this exchange it's the importance of that for women, so thanks for that. But I refuse to admit that attraction and beauty has 0 use for women, even in finding their ideal husband. My logic is more beauty = more potential mates = more high quality filtering = more likelihood to land the best option for her specifically. Kinda like house shopping i'd rather have 1,000 houses to sort from to find my dream home than 52.
-
Post #81: C'est la vie Reality has a brutal and unforgiving side.
