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Life is suffering- Buddha.😂
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But before I can be DONE, I have to be fully committed to the Truth of it all. I have to BE Truth. It ends the contract. I could have done it before, I'm sure, but the grief........
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Yup, they’ll only break your heart. ❤️ Cracked eggs are not all they are cracked up to be. Lol
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Interesting strategy.
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Hyperion replied to Hyperion's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
For an even deeper exploration of the dichotomy between relative truth vs. absolute truth, check out this video: And in case you're curious and interested in hearing more about Nagarjuna's (anti-)philosophy, this video right here does a beautiful job of breaking it down in an easily digestable way: -
@Leo Gura Now replace it with 8 breakups. What a pain.
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I never flirt with another woman while in a relationship. My boundaries are explicit by either bringing up my partner fondly or controlling the emotional energy around the interaction. If I were in a similar position I would drop the client, and gtfo so they forget I ever even existed as soon as possible. Unless it was truly truly the right thing to do, I wouldn't even bother telling the guy about what's happening; I don't know him and I don't know her, I don't know the dynamics, its none of my businesss and it would likely cause more trouble than what its worth. "Dear blank blank, thank you for blank blank but unfortunately my schedule has blanked. Blank, blank , blank, blank, blank. Ba, ba blank, blank. Thank you for the blank opportunities. Kind regards, Mr. Blank" Boundaries are only needed for relationships that matter, for me its better to just walk away as soon as possible. Another client not boundary violating would be preoccupying your awareness right now in a positive way about how you could be a better teacher if you didn't have to deal with this schmuck in your head enough to create a forum post about him. This is just from a man's perspective. Best wishes, stay safe.
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Nah, you’re never fucked, never give up hope, someday your princess will come. Just wait and see, you deserve the very best. 😉
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Don't put all your eggs in one basket? Lol Imagine 5 divorces. Worst investment evar.
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Hope he does .
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Evan Gill replied to ZenSwift's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
Amazing write up! Thanks for taking the time out to do this. -
@TheGod Man you spoke words of wisdom.
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One of the most widely misunderstood terms in all of spirituality is the Buddhist notion of "shunyata", which is commonly translated as or at least closely associated with words like emptiness, voidness, groundlessness, nothingness and no-self (which is also known as "anatta"). It is often (mis)interpreted as a kind of nihilistic denial of any inherent substance or meaning of reality; but once you become directly conscious of what it actually points to, you realize that it simply means the following: There is no particular way that reality is. Shunyata points to the fact that there is no such thing as a specific definable ultimate truth that can be fully cognized, conceptualized and communicated through language; it therefore implies that all definitions (aka. conceptual limitations) of reality are nothing but relative perspectives which are partially true at best and downright delusional at worst. Simply put: Whatever you say about reality isn't it - and also it is, but so is the opposite of whatever you are saying. (Of course, the irony here is that the statement "all perspectives are relative" is itself a relative perspective; this is why Nagarjuna, the famous founder of the Madhyamaka school of Buddhist philosophy, pointed out that "even emptiness itself is empty" and therefore cannot be absolutized.) So while shunyata should not be mistaken for an affirmation of existential nihilism (which erroneously tries to attach absolute meaning and validity to the relative concept of meaninglessness), it certainly refutes the notion of a concrete ground or essence of reality that you somehow safely "land on" upon enlightenment. Assuming the existence of such a specific definable essence is in fact a rather clear-cut logical fallacy, since it assumes the existence of something which is both absolute and definable. The simple fact of the matter is that the absolute (= undefinable) essence or nature of reality cannot be different from (all of) reality itself, as should be obvious to anyone who is capable of and genuinely open to coherent (meta)logical reasoning. (Note: When you say that Being is the essence of reality, then that is NOT a definition. Being does not and cannot have an opposite since it is all that there is, meaning that it must include and transcend all possible opposites such as form/formlessness, time/timelessness, oneness/multiplicity, nothing/everything etc. Being is therefore synonymous with the totality of reality. Again, this is not so much an arbitrary opinion as it is a patently self-evident and tautological assessment based on very simple and obvious logic, and I would sincerely invite anyone who somehow feels compelled to argue against it to question their own underlying motives for doing so.) Of course, the inherently attachment-based ego mind doesn't like to hear any of this. It craves and demands ideological safety, reliability and stability, or in other words: a solid, unshakeable ground that it can build a strong and rigid identity on and thereby keep itself stuck in the treacherous comfort of delusion. And so it will compulsively attack, deflect, distort and/or deny anything that threatens to pull out the rug from under its feet and try at all cost to maintain its dogmatic conviction that "reality is XYZ" and definitely not "not XYZ". You will almost certainly see this play itself out in the replies to this post; there will be plenty of people trying to convince me as well as themselves that I am (absolutely) wrong and they are (absolutely) right and argue until they are blue in the face for the validity of relative positions such as "I am a person", "I am not a person", "I am God", "I am not God", "I exist", "I don't exist", "there is a doer", "there is no doer", "all is one", "all is not one", "there are other minds", "there are no other minds", "reality is physical", "reality is a dream", "reality is logical", "reality is not logical" or whatever other perspectives/beliefs they have built their identity on. Now, am I saying that I myself am totally free of this kind of argumentative pigheadedness? No, of course not. I assure you that I can be just as gleefully opinionated as the next guy; denying any such tendencies on my part would be just another dogmatic assertion and expression of deep egoic delusion. Besides, as long as reality is being observed and experienced from a certain first-person perspective, there is never going to be a 100% complete absence of attachment to that perspective, however faint and imperceptible it may be. But once this perspective is clearly "seen through" and recognized for what it actually is, there is now an opening where the gradual transcendence of all rigid ego identity becomes possible; where all relative perspectives are perceived as different sides of the same all-encompassing coin; where energetic contractions begin to soften, expand and dissolve, and where you start to taste the indescribable boundless bliss and freedom of tapping into and merging with the ineffable Divine, which is All That Is. But of course, that's just my perspective. 😘
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Time to invade Canada.
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WHAT I'VE AVOIDED SAYING TOO DIRECTLY// THE SHEER FUCKING BANALITY OF EVIL: Why is it STILL so hard to speak directly and plainly about everything that has happened to me? (And why must I always talk around it? And why do I have the urge to protect the people who couldn't be assed to protect me?) THE WORST OF MY PARENTS' SINS (from my perspective): The Jeopardy question of the day is.... ....and the answer is my father. Yep. I found CP on his computer because I was nosy child and my parents were very secretive, and I also never felt safe around them without fully understanding why until I was a teenager. I felt uncontrollably compelled to see exactly what type of people I was living with, even if I definitely did not have the means to understand at that age. Even up until very recently, I seem to keep "forgetting" that I found this. That this was a real thing that definitely happened. That the girl I most remember seeing.... had nearly the same hair cut I had at that age. The same stupid fucking hair cut that my mom forced me to have. The last time I brought this up to my husband, I was going through the motions of finding it impossibly hard to speak up, like I was mute, as if I was both making myself mute and being forced to be mute, as if there was some hidden contract I had "agreed" to and had been forced to keep all along. As if I had never told him this before (and up until now, he was the only person I have ever told this to). My husband was like... well, yea. I know. You've told me more than once. Also, remember when you were in uni? We found CP on his computer then too.... (it's not like he really went out of his way to hide it very well... and we certainly were not snooping around on his computer, I was just printing off something he helped me proofread for school.) And then I felt both embarrassed that I STILL keep forgetting that I told him about the CP more than once. --- then he asked me: do you think that girl was you? Nope, it definitely wasn't........... I'm pretty sure. As far as I know, he's never done anything to me. Unless....... (my soupy memories from 4 and under are not helpful here. But there is something still... not right.) My brother molested me between the ages of 5-10. 5 years straight. He is 5 years older than me. When I mentioned in an above post that he has taken great pains to make amends with me, this is the specific thing I am talking about. Anyway, when I first started journalling on here some years ago, I briefly mentioned that I had a moment when I was 7 when it felt like my own "Higher Self" left me, and told me that it would fully come back when I was an adult. This is why it left me. My "soul" fractured so that I could maintain a semblance of normality and safety as much as humanly possible to protect myself. Literally it was my best attempt at developmental preservation, to have a sense of childhood that I could build upon as an adult, and that requires salvaging some sense of orderliness and relative "safety", like maintaining a certain sanctity of mind and soul (I'm not sure how else to explain this...) I suspect that the age 7 is significant because that is when children start to have a concrete sense of reality, operational logic, and a rational sense of self, is it not? I lost my memories of everything that happened as well as the ability to form and keep memories about what was continued being done to me. Dissociation. But as they say now ---- THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE. Anyway, I've heard the perspective of everything that happened in quite a lot of detail from my brother in bits and pieces. He always tends to "bubble wrap" it in his choice of phrasing (as to not retraumatize me and be generally disrespectful and gross), but honestly I might as well have asked for everything in a disgustingly graphic amount of detail so at least there is no sanitized ambiguity about every exact thing that happened). My motto when I was younger was to unturn every stone and find the Truth. To return to myself, as I must eventually. And this.... might be the real day. (...and why not today? Why must I delay the inevitable?) So both of my parents knew the whole time, according to my brother. I found out about my family's secret that they all kept from me because my brother's ex-wife (and then girlfriend) told me. My brother had gone to my parents while I was in uni and asked if he should tell me about what happened to me. My parents said no, don't disturb her studies. Later it turned into, you should have to live with the weight of what you've done and bear that burden in silence for the rest of your life (my dad said that, my mom doesn't give a shit lol). That is the only moral thing to do. About 3ish years ago before my brother moved to LA to live with his now wife, right after things fell apart with his ex-wife (a CSA survivor herself, which is why she was able to instinctively identify the dynamic between my brother and I without him revealing his shameful dark secret), we both sat down with our parents to talk about what happened. Honestly I'm surprised that my parents even agreed to it; they definitely did not want to. According to my brother, my dad tried to stop him from molesting me once, but never tried again. My dad admitted that he knew what happened. My brother also actually came to my mom while he was still molesting me. According to him, it is because he said that he knew deep down, without anyone telling him, that what he was doing was wrong but he just couldn't manage to stop himself... and that he wanted my mom, that he expected both my parents, to stop him, I guess. To be parents. Because he was very insistent on trying and trying to get them to be parents in the EMOTIONAL sense in a way that I would not be bothered with because I knew it was a waste of time, like trying to make a stone cry or have feelings. This is what she said back then when he came to her about what he was doing to me: well, did you do PIV to her? My brother: no. My mom: well, it's not that bad then. ....and then that was the end of that. He did not go to her again. His mental health continued to deteriorate. At that same family meeting: my mom aggressively and vehemently denied that she ever knew, and also that it ever was her responsibility in any way. My brother then called her a liar. At this moment in this family meeting: I do not feel anything except shaken and very open, yet at the same time I will not give them the privilege of seeing my vulnerability, because they always turn against me if it's anything close to "too much" for them to handle and/or be bothered with. In general, and what I do very clearly remember about my mom was her literally looking the other way when I was molested on public in on a bus when I was 13 when I was in Hong Kong for the summer, and then I wondering if I was insane because ... I could have sworn that I saw her see that happen, and I saw her hardened, dead expression as she half-registered what happened and then looked away. Not her problem. I was 13, and had not yet blown up in rebellion. At that age, it was inconceivable that my mom would see what happened and ignored me. How could that even be possible?? I still wholeheartedly believed my parents had my best interest at heart, lol. Sure, I didn't feel loved at all, but still........ I mean, my mom was also a victim of patriarchal thinking, by this I mean old school Chinese culture. Quite literally, a boy is intrinsically worth more than a girl as he carries on the family name. I know that her own father abandoned and went to start a family and went on to have the son that she could never be, the son that he later bragged to her face about. She deeply fears being abandoned even though she puts on that hard, fake front, like "no one has the power to hurt me!" and "hurt them first and cut them out of your life before they can hurt you" type of mentality. Dog-eat-dog shit. I know her fears about aging and apparently 18 is the prime beauty age of a woman. (Forever 21? Why not Forever 18?... is unfortunately one of her phrases that lives rent free in my head.) Great mom. We both know by 18, we both also mean younger too as well, right? ((Oh, by the way mothers, if you have body image issues and issues related to aging, your body image, your weight, you've probably already given it to your daughter(s). Whatever garbage cultural virus you've inherited. Your actions and how you treat and talk about yourself speaks a lot louder than anything else. Kids aren't stupid and can very often figure out even if you've said nothing, but chances are you probably have. Maybe you've forgotten. Maybe you don't know the true weight of your words.) Shit my parents have said to me as an adult: EXHIBIT A) my dad: oh, you were so good as a child, so well behaved. The ideal child. That it was easy to forget that you existed (unlike my brother, who would shove things in both of my parents' faces, especially my mom's) EXHIBIT B) My mom, very recently: telling me about telling her friends, when they keep commenting about how great I am, such a wonderful, caring, respectable, GOOD daughter. She said to me recently: You're not like a daughter at all, but more like a friend. (This is a positive thing, apparently. What I hear in this is that: I feel justified in whatever parental responsibility I assumed for myself on my terms only, and nothing else (because my mom never really apologizes) and I don't feel any parental responsibility now. Thanks mom!) EXHIBIT C: My dad: well, at least you turned out as well as anyone could have turned out given your circumstances. Thanks dad for that. I actually KNOW that already without needing you to fucking tell me that. Jesus if I actually had no self esteem it's not like you'd be complimenting me now because that's not in our """SOUL CONTRACT""", apparently. Now continue to ignore and gaslight me when I tell you that adolescence was very, very difficult for me emotionally, that I was very severely depressed and hallucinating left and right, when I told you that it's fortunate that I'm even alive at all. That that is the truth of it. That it was not a given that I should still be alive. Keep telling me that I somehow would have figured out myself (great! And I did! Wow! I am so strong and awesome! And I did it pretty much entirely alone except for my now husband, and even he didn't know how bad it was or that I was planning to die after a certain age if I could not manage to hit the reset button on this body and identity and actually start over cleanly with a life that wasn't a continuation of the same dynamics I inherited from my ethically deranged family.) The things I wrote above about emotional neglect in above posts, and then some. When I first started to try to understand what people were saying about their own experiences surviving multiple types of childhood abuse, I have heard this this sentiment multiple times and its echo has lingered still: the emotional neglect and the lack of love was worse than any of the (usually physical) abuse that I had experienced growing up. This has been very hard to wrap my head around when I was younger, and also I had never experienced normal "physical" abuse. But now, I am inclined to agree. ""THE CURSE"": There is a certain pattern that has happened across my life. I call it.... the Curse. These are some of the rules of my "soul contract" with my family, apparently. 1) If I truly need someone at my most vulnerable, there will be no one there, very conveniently. Both literally (physical absence) and figuratively (emotional absence). You could try though, if you like. 2) I try to articulate my needs as clearly as possible while trying to cause as little offense as possible, but it is dismissed. No, those are not real needs. They are imaginary. I am erased in plain sight. I am nothing. A mute shadow. I don't deserve to have needs. Therefore I don't have them... etc. etc. 3) Now this is the thing that trips me up the worst as an adult, like it's disturbing to me: After I make peace with myself, resolve to see the Truth in full clarity, to do the work to resolve what I can of my currently available layer of trauma with literally every possible resource available to me, to whatever intuitive powers and raw intelligence and sheer willpower I have... I feel as if I am manifesting the means from thin air, at times. Finally, I get to the point that internally at least, I don't give a flying fuck about anyone's approval, and certainly not my parents' approval. I am free to act benevolent and civil toward them (and not feel like trash about myself because I greatly dislike holding ill will against people, and if I have it, I am almost certainly stuck in some way because I DO NOT AND NEVER HAVE wanted to be like that. A small, sad hateful shell of a person, even if maybe there are some good reasons to feel the way I do. It manifests in like this: Like I stop seeking their love. ...and then suddenly, they decide to praise me when there was no praise as a child. Decide to say they love me. Hug me. (Which makes me viscerally recoil in disgust on some deep level, if I'm being honest.) Tell me that they are proud of me. ...what in the everliving fuck is this? They're afraid. I smell it. (great, more power games with my parents, and managing their guilt which they refuse to acknowledge. Because the surface must be maintained at all costs, right? They themselves, a mirror of civilization at this moment. You can't be fucking serious. Oh... they are............ so small. And scared. I see their fear in their hearts. I can't be mad at them, they are like children...) (God, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing........) (.... I'm still so angry... how can they be like this? how can they be..... so casually and negligently evil? So absent of Love? How do... human beings live like this? In such emotional squalor, in a world without the Real and the Colour? In the absence of Love? Why has my spirit been dragged down with these... people?) (you keep telling yourself, as you have your whole life, because this is just the way humans are. Our animality.) (......no animal has or would ever treat me this way though, so no wonder I often preferred the company of animals. I was also a witchy sort and had my soul-bonded Familiars. The saving grace of my years as a minor. They saw me when no one did, in the way that animals can often see your true emotions and other things you hide in your heart that other people cannot see because you mask those traits and feelings, even if animals do not cognitively understanding you.) AN EXAMPLE OF SOMETHING WHICH DIDN'T MAKE THE LIST ABOVE: I've told this as a joke a few times before: My parents traveled somewhere new every year, and when I was 6, we went to India. I was at the Taj Mahal. It was about 40 celcius, probably a bit over. The joke was that my future claim to fame (and maybe something I'd put in my autobiography in the future if I ever wrote one) is that I threw up on the Taj Mahal when I was I was 6. Haha, I threw up on a very beautiful, pristine looking UNESCO World Heritage Site when I was 6. I was deathly mortified about it then. In reality, I was afraid. Afraid of my family. Afraid of being an inconvenience, afraid of them being angry at me, of being told I was too sensitive and a whiner, afraid of being an embarrassment to them. Other adults walked up to my parents and asked if I was ok. My parents had given me a bit of water reluctantly, because their thing was aggressively conserving and rationing bottled water so that we wouldn't be completely out of it if we "really needed it" in a place where none was available at that moment. What I felt was like was a horrible embarrassment to them. And that I better not pass out. That's not acceptable. Don't want to find out what happens then. That would definitely be my fault. This is already all my fault. ...why am I so weak? My husband: that is child abuse. Pretty sure you were having heat stroke... Me: I was fully willing to accept what they told me at that age, that I should toughen up. Not be so sensitive. That it was for my own benefit. My husband: that's not how you toughen up a child lol. They were physically and medically responsible for you. The reason they gave you was them justifying their own selfish priorities (and basically not doing their duties as a parent). (Wait....you mean this is not a normal childhood thing?) ....... (Oh, I guess I have been physically abused. Just not beat with a belt or slapped across the face. Actually, remember when you rebelled as a teenager? That was the only time in your life where you told both your parents to go fuck themselves. You asked them to treat you like an actual human being instead of a science experiment, and not like someone you could just mould into whatever idea of what I should be as a person based on whatever values they had. Your mother told you ... well, why don't you just call CPS if it's that bad? Lol you have food and a roof over your head, access to education, what could you possibly have to complain about? What, are you going to go live with a foster family? Do you think that would be better?) (Oh wait, remember all the times you spent traveling and your feet were bleeding because you were being forced to walk for hours and hours wearing shoes, on the rubbed raw, bleeding blistered skin? You recall your mother being annoyed at dealing with the evidence of your injury? As if you had personally done it to offend her? You remember how you felt like somehow that too was also your fault? That you tried to make yourself as small, pleasant, and quiet as possible, while you spent hours trying to psychologically numb the sensation of pain, but at times, the feeling of pins and needles was too much. Still, stay silent. Try not to look bothered, or else mom will take it personally. You look weak and like a whiner. I feel the shame. I try to employ the right level of dissociation to adapt perfectly to my situation. Watch where you're going, eos_nyxia. Don't dissociate too much and forget where you are. ....eventually, like some years later, my mom did help me get wide fit shoes.) ........I learned to bear psychological and physical pain to the point of learning to control my ability to dissociate. To hold what causes Memory and Unmemory. To run higher cognitive functions (enforced homeschooling because I was being a "bad kid" and rebelling) and higher extrasensory functions (the latter being much more energy consuming at the time), while under this type load. To leave no evidence of vulnerability that could be picked apart by people who are like animals drawn to scent of blood. .... like, haha. I already know that I had done the best a human could probably do with my particular situation. ......and there's always more to remember, if I wanted to. Which I do not. It always seems to go on and on and ON. I am DONE. I have done my best to specifically avoid situations which would result in me getting so angry I feel compelled to disown all of them, and I am very intent on wrapping up our karma as a family and I have believed disowning them to be running away, specifically in my case. And also, I believe that it is bad juju to curse (hold seriously ill intent in your heart) toward the woman who birthed you, regardless of what she has done. Mostly, you'll probably just poison yourself and divorce yourself from the Nurturing aspect of Reality, shutting yourself off from experiencing secure love and attachment, emotional safety, and groundness in the future, and honestly even a certain aspect of Presence along with it.) Anyway, At that point, I'll feel absolutely nothing about it, like I always have. And that's fine. Because I am done with it. Also at the very least, I need to admit to myself, these people tortured me. Not just that they hurt me and they had their reasons. I need to call it what it was, and what was actually true for me. I must stop dissociating and splintering myself in small and larger ways out of habit, returning and looping back to the inheritance I was born with. I must end this whole war within myself. I have to finally tell myself, this ends now, and believe it. To put it in place. To put things in place. To switch on all the lights and leave them on this time. .... .. .. I have been waiting for this moment my whole life. I want to use my real power now. I want to remake the world in my True Image.
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There is nothing good about porn. It took me 5 years to quit it because I started watching it at the age of 13. Porn fucks up your rewards system and you become addicted to it. It's an easy escape and you don't have to try hard to get a real partner or to master your discipline and become good at controlling your sexual needs. Quitting porn was one of the most difficult but at the same time the best thing I ever did for myself. Healthy masturbation without porn is a great thing though. I am not a big advocate of semen retention because it seems to be an ego game.
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You're describing something akin to Stoicism, I don't entirely disagree but you have to actually accomplish things in the external world as well, not just master your mind and thoughts, but yes inner mastery is a big part of happiness for sure!
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@Inliytened1 Ok that came to my mind but I have seen many players chasing girls and ending up nowhere . I was also a sort of player very earlier in life and I noticed that it's a pathway of hurt. Rather screen women according to alignment ,talk to many of them but settle for one of them.
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GTA6 looks like GTA5 with RD2 graphics. Physics still look cartoonish. But I think the gameplay, immersion and storyline looks promising. What surprised me that there is no HUD.
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But if that one investment you put everything into is a bust you're fucked. So divergence is good too because your eggs aren't in one basket.
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okay, that makes sense.
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This is gold .
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Nope relationships are like investments. If you scatter your investment in different domains you may get or master nothing . But if you put a single targeted investment then you get really cool dividends . Watch Leo's video - Why valuable things take development over time.
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Keen observation! I think it's mostly a problem of ego and self-esteem. It could also be stemming from lack of self-control. But also it's partly and essentially because the human touch is irreplaceable. The physical touch of a safe partner is one of the most precious things in a relationship. On the flip side, porn and masturbation can become an escape from real effort and vulnerability.
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I’m laughing with you, not at you. 😂
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